got an empty head that weighs 50 Lbs

"and I'm beginning to see some problems with the ongoing work of my mind" Words are a tool, and every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. I fight fire with fire, and I have a lot of anger. I thought I had a better handle on the problems I face regularly... but I'm starting to realize I actually have very little control. I'm a lose cannon, and my emotions rule my every movement. An escape is what I'm after, a moment of peace. Why is that so much to ask? I feel like I keep trekking through the wild and I just keep coming up in places I've already been, running around in circles with a lack of direction. I am so good with words, I can talk myself into or out of pretty much anything. and it's starting to take more than it gives, and im starting to wonder when the payoff comes - when do I find a reward for all of my sweat, blood, love and dedication? why isn't what I have a payoff? I keep asking questions like this white screen will have answers, like I will find my way through my writing - and at the end, I'm always at the same spot.... typing away into a screen with no reprise.

heal.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7jpxEziKfnQIi4Cbbuh_nyhzYP8hc4QmMQ999K6Ity74nDXHyNBVvvtdduG_tLsdPYz1amancD9KiO86iOsChswu3E3odTMI4NzJ5fXibrfKWwJ9HS9AlC7WnaivyUQaEFCYguaf9xfs/s1600/heal.jpg

they were right with the order of things, parenting alone is for the dogs.

so with everything aside, I'm literally falling apart. the pressure is too much, the expectations too high - and what is my most comfortable reaction? self destruction. I've never felt so lost in my entire life, so utterly and completely baffled by my every surrounding. sleep away the pain. and so I do, and get further lost in the abyss. I can only hope I come back, or if not - that they will be okay without me. I guess it's time for someone else to pick up the slack now that I'm finally failing.

not all those who wander....

the separation of head and heart. it's been a battle my whole life, i realize now. Ive never let the two coincide... never have I had the ability to let down my walls enough for them to meet. constantly waging wars on myself - and somehow, after everything... I am still worried what other people will think of what I do. Why have I ever been under a microscope? have I really made so many bad decisions that nobody trusts me to make the right one anymore? when did I give up the right to make that call? What does it say about me, when I am constantly worried about being abandoned? I am so worried, all of the time - what will be said, what will be judged ... I don't even give myself time to figure out what I want, or what's best for all of us. I let others opinions guide my choices. when did I get so lost....

Such a heart that will leave you to deceiving

proof is such a tricky thing. The evidence you need is sometimes unattainable, and often times it doesn't even exist - words are slippery and the past is but a memory. All we have is now. And tomorrow and the rest. And I often find myself in a state of "what's the point?" Why....What is in it for me? My whole world is devoted to doing and giving to other people.... why put more weight on my shoulders? Because that's who I am. Giving up is not something I do, and hurting people is not something I swallow easily. I always want to give. I want to make life a better place for people I care about.... but I'm left wondering... who cares if its better for me?

stop pretending, i'm so tired.

and there it is. that's what I was waiting for.. and why am i surprised? It was empty for me, it was nothing - I let my heart be cold, and didn't see the consequence. It won't be nothing for her. The fall will be quick, just like it was... it shouldn't hurt like this. It shouldn't matter... it shouldn't phase me. So why am I fetal positioned, sobbing? why am I unable to breath because the attacks come so strong, one after another. I hope you break her heart, too.

i tell myself.

you're in the dark, swinging. no matter how passionate, or how much anger you put behind the throw you always come up short. the result is never what you wanted, and you'll never make the mark. you take another swing, and you fall on your face. you wonder what it will take to make you quit. what are you after anyways? I ask myself. You'll never get what you are after. The end result will never be what you're hoping for. so how long until you turn on the lights, stop blindly taking shots and own up. yesterday is going nowhere, and tomorrow is slipping away too fast. wake up!!!! WAKE UP!!! you are only making it worse for yourself. stop fighting the nothing that's left, close the chapter, make peace with your anger and move on. you're heart can't take much more of this.

not that

not that it matters... but today was hard. not that it makes a difference... but this hurts so much. not that it changes anything... but I'm so tired. not that you will notice... but I've changed everything I am. not that I can stop it... but life is passing to quickly, and you're missing it. not that it means the world... but I will never stop fighting. one day at a time, and today it isn't enough.

me myself I got nothing to prove.

She's a fighter, they say. She'll be fine, she always gets through. And I do - but at what cost? What is left of me after all of this? Is living enough? What happened to quality of life? a mistake is a mistake is a mistake. So why am I just going through the motions? When does this become real... when do I wake up? Oh that's right - rhetorical questions don't have answers, and I am left to the demons. But of course, I can't say this is too much. I can't hide in my bed and cry out the pain... I get up, I force myself through each day - I look back wondering how we got so far in the days without even realizing I had slept and woke again. Wishing for something more, hoping for a better way : and I come up short, again. These words are empty, my head is full - and they say I'm a fighter. So I guess I will be fine, and I'll get through. I just wish I knew at what cost.

Mugey.

It doesn't take a lot to fall in love with a being like Mugen. So against the idea of a pet, let alone a cat, I stood my ground on disliking him. But the days passed, and then weeks, and slowly I felt myself bonding with this strange, sketchy animal. I remember the first time he crawled into my lap, timidly - as if to say... I'm here, whether you like it or not. What can I say? he grew on me. No matter what my annoyance was with what he had done (puking, shitting, scratching, dead mice) I was always able to put that aside and love him still. The nights where I would fall apart after a long day - he would come near, stay close, and keep me company. He made sure I was never really alone. It's strange, what kind of relationship you can have with a creature so unlike yourself. When he started to get sick, I wanted to pretend I didn't notice. I'd see his ribs, I'd try and ignore it. When he stopped eating, I convinced myself he was just particular about the food he liked... he can't really be sick, I don't have the energy to admit it. The days grew into weeks, and he started to get sicker. As I watched him struggle to breath, to walk, to eat ... I started to realize this was the end. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for making the choice to put him down - I don't like the job of playing ruler over life and death. I just feel like he is in pain, I see it in his eyes - his very being, he is not the same. I wish there was an easier way to understand, wish I hadn't grown so fond of him. This would be easier, then. Despite the odds, Mugen became my friend - and as I sit here choking back tears, wishing tomorrow wouldn't come... I hope he knows how much he has impacted my life. Funny, the weight a life can have on your own.

who do you think you are, running round leaving scars?

heart in my throat. it sits, cause I didn't do the work I said I had done... and now I will pay for my hastiness. you can't skip steps in this process, and for that impatience it will hit me 10x as hard. I say what I know will meet the mark - but the rest resides, here... burning holes. It won't come, my pride gets in the way. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed. I don't expect this to make the sense it does to me, but if you took a walk in my shoes you'd never move the same again. the flames die down, and I'd rather watch the fire burn with someone else... so I know that you can't hurt me anymore. find another broken soul who can take that weight. and I will never fill the void. I can only accept what is, and embrace what comes. this is not the life I chose.

broken glass

Ive lost what little understanding I had left - wandering amongst the rubble, trying to pick up pieces I had convinced myself were back in place. How can I be so naive? Still.. after so much, I am still here. Time, they say. I judge myself so critically, no faith in my heart and my head. Going in a direction I have told myself I need to go. I don't have any answers, no explanations for the actions I've taken and the pain I have endured. Maybe somewhere deep, I deserve the pain... for the broken hearts and the mislead. Maybe this is the way that I get my karma... this broken heart never mending. Days that are long past still following me everywhere I go. The words slip into my conscience like a ghost in the night, and I am embodied by the mourning. There is no starting anew when the last love is still holding strong and encompassing you entirely. So forgive me for my ignorance, stand by as I conquer the next wave of demons, and maybe I will come out stronger. Or maybe, it will pull me under and leave me breathless and defeated.

disappointed.

It came rushing through me like I was 7 years old again. The crack in her voice, the sadness in her eyes - and i remembered the times I asked, and didn't receive. Circumstance is not always on our side, but it doesn't change the broken heart of a child. Just another strike against the confidence she seeks so hard to find, struggles so much to carry - to young to understand why, to smart to let it weigh her down. but subconsciously it is already at work, and one day she will be me.. and hopefully she will pair herself with a man who won't ever give the excuses she fights so hard to understand. I can only want more for her, and teach her what she must do to achieve the goals she sets in place. I can only sit here, cradling her in my lap, telling her "maybe next time" and holding back the tears that come rushing through me like I was 7 years old again.

begin again

It's a pit in the bottom of my stomach, some sick need to hold on. Still feeling desperate, still wanting to "fix" it. There is no fixing, there is nothing. So i go through the motions of being alright - telling myself I'm doing okay. So why is it that the pain holds on like super glue? Why is it that in a moments time I feel it all over again, and the idea of this being "real" makes me sick to my stomach? I wonder how it is that it can be so similar, but happen to be worlds apart. I wonder how I'll ever get over this...

give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light

desperation. it's such an ugly thing, laced with so much shame. and I wear it always, no matter how hard I fight to stand tall. It's so easy to hide behind this wall of stubborn hard-headed anger. So much easier to just leave it on the curb with all the rest. No one is coming to pick it up, though - so I am reminded every time I come out from behind the wall... it's still sitting there, and it will never go. Not until I find a way to sort it out, and find peace with my misdirections. A lifetime of mistakes and regrets that have piled up - and no energy [desire] to make a dent. some days, I can see the way - and I start to follow through... but it never lasts, and I'm never found. I am always waiting, on something to come next - waiting and wishing, will get me nowhere. I fight hopelessly to make sense of the mess in my head, but not even my heart or my gut knows whats best anymore. what an awful mess i've become.

why me? why this now? why this way?

Its supposed to be therapeutic to write it out. So I type the words on the screen and find some comfort in the familiarity. I guess it is never going to be as easy as it seems. The waves.. the ever present waves. I wander out to the mid waist, and wait for the current to pull me under. I don't know if I would fight for breath... I don't know that I could. My wondering will be the end of me - my curiosity. My inability to start a new chapter.. always revisiting the last one in order to try and gain a clearer understanding of -what-went-wrong- I will never understand why you couldn't love me like I loved you. I will never know what happened to my sense. I will not find an answer to how I ever let the outcome of my sanity lay rest in your care. I will spend the rest of my life building back the castle you tore down. I won't ever know how that can be compared to the position of my cunt. Move on, let it rest, let it be - I tell myself. But then I look down at this beautiful life that encompasses my whole being and I see you. It's a constant reminder of what could have been. They tell me "he looks like him" and I say... he looks like himself. Because if you think I don't know, you're a fool. The biology of the lives I have single-handedly brought this far, always thrown at me like its a fault. Like somehow, it changes the purity of who they are. Like my demons speak for their destiny. It's a story as common as a penny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQyF-bazxQU

building from the ground up

One foot in front of the other, like a child learning the ways. I am starting all over, from the ground up. I lay awake and wonder, I close my eyes and do the same. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns... and all these ideas are not new. I have thought them all before. This feels different, this feels solid. I can do it, I am capable. It's not ideal, but when is it ever? Have I ever had a taste of ideal? Nothing but fabrications, nothing but galleys to lead me here. But here I stand, here I start again. Turns out, they were right - I am one in a million, and it will burn like fire till the days end that I am okay. I won't burn, like it was planned. I am standing... next I will walk, steps will come. So go ahead and doubt how far I'll get, go ahead and will me down. I will not stop. I may falter, in fact I likely will falter... but no one will ever stop me from getting up again. Better alone, with my trio at foot. We won't slow down.

patheticwhorecuntslutbitchuselessmoron

I wear no shame, despite the path you have so carefully paved for me. I wear no fear, despite my insecurities. It has taken so much time to be the person I wanted to be, and life has thrown in so many obstacles. What would it be without those barriers, though? I never would have gotten the determination i have to succeed if it was all handed to me, like you were. It's taken me a long time to understand that I don't need you... that I don't need a warm body. Or who needs enemies, when I have friends like you? I just tack it on to the long list of fuck-me-overs. And you won't ever see it like that... it will always be the pain done to you. It will always be the victim played.. and karma is a bitch. I won't ever regret a decision I've made, because it all leads me to the future - and I'd never go back, not for anything. Turn your head and deny the cards played - it does not phase me. I am forward bound, and I won't slow down. I am proud of who I am and how far I've come, and no words will change that.

I'm wiped and I'm wired, but I guess it's just as well

Silence. Is this what I was after? The days have gone by so fast and I wonder if I'll ever feel sober again. Every morning I open my eyes, my head throbs and my throat is sore - like a bad hangover. My body alone has shown me something is not right... my heart and head know, as well. I try to put it down in words, but it all comes out jumbled and confused. I could spend forever wishing and wanting and come up with empty hands. Nothing that worth it is ever easy. The constant buzzing in my head never simmers, and I am left to decipher between thoughts and distractions. I've never doubted you'd be better off without me, until you were without me. The worry is incessant, and I wonder why it holds me... when it never held you. This is the right thing to do.. but the right thing and the hardest thing are often the same. 'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail all the chance that i need is one-in-a-million and they can call me brilliant if i succeed gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound i'm just going to get my feet wet until i drown

okay

I wish I had more to say. My words fall short, my heart stays empty. I will never forgive - because this time, forgiving means forgetting. I won't let myself fall apart again, it's too little too late. I want more than anyone will ever be able to provide, and I won't settle. I'm doing okay - and okay is better than nothing.

I do(n't)

It all happened so fast, and I'm learning now that it only worked to destroy. It feels as though a lifetime has passed, but some days, like this day.. it's as fresh as the one that ended it all. I can sympathize with the misunderstanding that I should be happy, relieved - that this shouldn't phase me. But if you've never had to face this shame, you can't possibly know. If you've never known the pain of losing something you loved with all of your being, of failing at something you put everything into - there is no way to comprehend it. It probably seems foolish - a day in time, devoted to something riddled with the lies of a commitment that never followed through. To me, it is the heart break all over again. It's a love I let burn so high and so hard - without reservations. It's a life I so badly wanted, a life I deserved. So today, this 25th of August, I will revisit the love and the lust and the loss. I will let my whole being shake with the pain that has been left to fade away... the pain that will never fully fade away. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.

dream

I dream that days are short and I am lost. I dream that I wake without having slept, that I am living outside, but inside I am dead. I dream that you can make it all go away, and numb the pain - but morning drags me from the other world, and I am groggy and tired. I wake up, not ever really awake - one foot in front of the other, and I work with what I've got, and remind myself it's not all my fault. It's not all fault. So much to be content with, so much to be proud of - but how do you enjoy a life that comes and goes in waves, and leaves you feeling abandoned and alone? So hard to separate the two, the me and the provider. I wake up, and stay asleep in my head - and do everything to hold off all the weight that I must put on as my feet hit the floor. I deserve it. This is something I caused. This is nothing I can comprehend, and sometimes all those words slip through the cracks. The cracks are getting bigger, and those words are losing their baring. It's time to wake up.

deserve

It's the rise and fall - the inconsistency of my every day. I just want it to level out, and stay the same for a little while... I am asking too much. It changes every day - and for so long I have been programmed to believe this is a fault of mine. That what changes, is my responsibility ... when reality is, I would do anything to stop the constant changing. The only constant is change, though. I wonder when I will find peace with the ever-moving style of this life I lead. The drastic ups and downs leave me drained and heart broken - and the reliance on the people who can't be relied on. I wish it were easier to just pack up and never look back. But I've never been able to let go, and so I will stay here, and let the weight kill me. Until tomorrow, when I find my strength again and keep moving onward.

know the difference.

You can not make someone else happy. Your only business with happiness is to bring it on yourself. You are not responsible for other peoples feelings. How you react to something, or anything, is your responsibility. No one can change you or force you to feel or do or say anything. Your actions, reactions, feelings and motions are yours - and you have to own it. Blame is far too messy, and some is bound to get on you while you're trying to put it on someone else. Take charge of your day, your life. It is no ones hands but your own. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone grieves. You can not believe that you are the only person experiencing pain, and that no one else could ever understand. There are billions of people on this one tiny earth - and there are millions if not billions, grieving with you. It is YOUR job to change something you dont like. You can not sit around expecting someone to change it for you. All you can do with this life is make yourself happy, follow your gut, and own everything you do. It's hard - but you won't be any closer to happiness if you don't. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

fogged

I'm standing in a crowded room, wall to wall with people, and I am screaming at the top of my lungs - but no one looks up or even notices. Melodramatic fool. I can't make sense of this spot that I'm in, but I am bound and broken and cannot find the words I need to break the noose around my neck. Speaking forces the ropes tighter, and fighting it makes me weak. So i submit, and let myself fall. It breaks to pieces, and I am worked too hard and thin to the bone - but it's never enough. Words have lost purpose, for what good am I doing by speaking such thoughts? No one can help me, no one can save me - this is my battle, and I'm fighting against myself. I'm doomed to fail. Days merge into one another and I can't find a way to stop it. I need more time - there is never enough time. A list of tasks, a list of emotions - all laid out on my lap, patiently awaiting me to get it together and start tackling the demons. So why am I so tired? so unable to get up and make it happen. When did this fog pull me under? and more importantly... how do I get out?

baby steps

I always hold back - walking on egg shells, for fear of the next outburst. For what? I have no reservations of what will come after this storm... other than a goal to be in a better place than I am now. A very murky place exists within me and in it, I delude myself. I find justifications in actions, reason where there is none - I let myself believe the lies and the fabrications. I start listening to those words, worse is I start believing them... Only in this murky place. Once away from there, I realize I am happier alone - getting healthy for the first time in a very long time. Never fully healing from the depression that jumped on me when I first took the steps into motherhood. Just relapses of the same pain, the same humiliation. Respect. Understanding. Equality. Trust. Honesty. SIMPLE requests. But they aren't, not to him - it's like I am asking the world. I never would have gone this far, had I been able to forsee what was coming. But you can't change the past, you can only change the future - so that is what I will do.

pits

A grey has taken over, and the day seems bleak. Nothing I am doing feels real, my head is somewhere else. Forced into circumstance, despite my best intention to be blinded to the bad. I hope that one day it will stop feeling like it's my fault. I hope one day I will look back and see this for what it really is - instead of holding on to a guilt for something that was never mine to start with. It can only go up from the bottom.

thrice

I blocked the pain, held strong to my decision. No matter how much it hurts, going backwards will hurt more. I can remember a time when three years felt like a life time, and now it feels like days or even minutes past. How can so much go wrong? When you begin on ground that is already forming into a volcano, it's bound to blow. Yet here I am, still wondering if I could have done more. I pushed myself every single day to the max, out of my every discomfort and anxiety to accommodate someone who wouldn't ever consider doing the same for me. But here I am, still wondering and letting the guilt override. Three years. I wonder how long I could have held it together if it didn't reach that dreadful moment? Wondering gets me nowhere more than here, and only causes me more pain. I think I have severely underestimated my pain threshold,I for if you'd asked me if this was too much I'm sure I would have said yes. Each day is a battle, each moment is a trial. The hardest part is, I'm missing so much for lack of ability to do anything but truck on forward. Can't win for losing.

wolves

I'll spend some time trying to find my way, because I deserve that much. I'll do some work to ensure that I can find happiness within, I have been through enough to realize it's importance. I will follow no one's agenda, but my own. If you can't follow my flow, and you can't swim - you best step aside, because you will only be pulled in by the current. I don't owe anyone, anything. I have done so much, in such a small amount of time, for people who wouldn't do the same for me - I will not feel guilt. I know I have done more than my fair share, have swam against the current and fought through regardless - because I was always determined to please. I'm done pleasing, and I will not fall under the microscope to be evaluated. I have never been first, and this time? I'm leading the pack.

fuckyoutoo

Why can't it be understood that any following of a life that I have kept from you for a reason is wrong. It is not a right to know what I am doing, where I am, who I'm with. It's an EARNED privilege to have access to that kind of information. So who the fuck do you think you are to feel entitled?? You see that woman standing over here? You let her go, you took her for granted, you pushed her down, and you made her cry - so FUCK YOU for thinking you deserve ANYTHING. I am not obligated to share my life with you, especially when it's a life you never took the time to appreciate or cherish when you had a hold on it. So tired. So frustrated. So disappointed. And for what? So much wasted energy on someone who can't even give me the respect I have earned.

self-proclaimed fool.

The worry. It follows me around like a lost puppy, always in my mind and on my heel. I wonder what it takes to live a life without it, what a freedom it must be. I imagine the joy of not having to go through the motions of what a real anguish could burden me with... I imagine feeling like I am walking on air. Float through, keep your head high and wave down at those whom feel a right over you. Wave down at the worriers. Up there, it must be something out of this world. All dreams are possible. So what is to stop me of dreaming of no worry? I'm not asking for much... just the ability to walk through unscathed. I suppose in the realm of go-doers that dream might sound foolish. Self-proclaimed fool, I am. Just look at my track record? One foolish step after the other. I have a hundred when, why, what, who, where's... with no answers but the sound of my voice echoing off the walls on the inside of my skull.

can't make me.

It's a sad state of affairs, when the genuine happiness that life's small pleasures brings you, is plagued with guilt. Guilt for what? For being happy, when you are not. I want to take that, and exemplify it. Poke it, prod it, and determine why exactly it feels like that is the most unhealthy thing I've felt in a long time. How dare I! How am I to be grateful, appreciative, happy... who am I to do any of that? Surely I don't deserve happiness... surely I've made a wrong turn somewhere. Or is that what you want me to believe? When has my happiness, or my comfort and my security ever been a priority? I don't dare let it show - hold back from letting it seep into the sound of my voice. Just another strike, another reminder... that it is not what it seems. I get caught in the words, the language used... and I start to believe it. Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am {ENTER insult here} like I so often let myself believe. Or maybe I'm a good person, whose made some mistakes. And maybe, it's okay that I'm happy and that I'm finally starting to understand that I not only earned it.. but I deserve it. Maybe it's time I realized that I don't need another person to do that for me, that I actually like me quite a bit. I have a lot to bring to the table, and no one needs to be holding that table up for me. I'll make my own fucking table. Maybe it's time you stopped trying to bring me down, and maybe try and join me, up here. The air feels cleaner, smells fresher. I'm not coming back down, you can't make me. Self-worth is a wonderful thing to get acquainted with.

words slip away, I never really have them at all. Just passing through, in the vastness of mind that floats around inside my skull. and I'm scared now of what is outside these walls, so scared to take a step in any direction. it's infectious, this misery. I am wary of the oncoming traffic of better intentions... wary of good.

do a little something

It all feels wrong. Every word I write, every song I sing, every sentence that stumbles out of my lips.... nothing adds up, and I'm still lost. No matter how many steps forward I take - there I am, still sitting duck, like a stupid fool. Get a fucking grip lady!!! How can I still be so clouded? It all feels so wrong.

puddle dive

I open my eyes, its dark. I lay in my bed, its warm. I feel the wounds, still raw and bleeding. I acknowledge the pain, it doesn't seem real. I wonder, it get's me nowhere. The whatif's and maybe's ... always a better grip on me than what is. I wake up, and float from room to room, conducting. If I were to make a bet, years before this - I would have said I'd be dead by now. I would have looked at all the what are's and be overwhelmed by what I was about to face. Here I am now, after facing it all - and I wonder most days, how I get out of bed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leFFC4tQ3yE

I've learned to live, half alive

What if I told you I could be what you wanted? If I was the person you had fantasized I would turn out to be? What good would come from the death of a person I worked so hard to be... a person who just isn't what you want (or need, or hope for) What if we could stop time and go back to a time when we both believed in the love we found in such a dark place? What if you had cherished my heart, instead of left it in the puddle in which it now permanently resides?

What if's won't change what is. I can't get back something I never had to begin with..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&ob=av3e

fool.

talk is cheap. like a fool, I am pulled under by the current and held there without hope. I want to be proven wrong.. want so badly to look back and wonder why I ever doubted it. but like a fool, I let the words soothe my broken mind. I let it swallow me, encase me - render me helpless to the love I believe you once held. Im so full of misery, it feels like I really am drowning. any false hopes just sends me spiraling - so how do I stop the false hopes from rolling in without cutting you out, altogether? You'll keep me here, suspended in thin air. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, eat, think. So many cant's that I wonder what I can. I miss the sun, the force it puts behind me - the strength it gives me, the reminder that there will be better days than this. My mind is so full, my heart is so sore - and like a fool, I take the sharp sting of temporary hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MJio3s2wFI&list=FLoxe3Yc5_jovNxeQ9nA1oDA&index=3&feature=plpp_video

tick tock

all-consuming grief. It doesn't take much of anything at all and the tears are streaming down. How to explain to innocent little souls that I am not as broken as I seem, that one day this will merely be a memory? I find myself engulfed in a fog and I can't seem to make my way to a clearing... nothing makes sense, nothing equals up. I'm just lost, wandering. I try to tell myself that they are resilient - that this won't phase them in the grand scheme.. I'm not very good at convincing myself. I'm not very good at convincing anyone, it seems. Delusional, unstable, ready-made disaster. all-consuming grief.

masochist

Restless nights, restless heart and mind and soul. I can put on a strong face, but behind it I am dieing. I struggle to switch positions, force the ready-made women inside of me to come forth and take charge of the three lives who have been left in my care. I find the nights hardest, when the rooms are dark and the emptiness is suffocating. What do you do when there's nothing left, when everything you have has been expended and you've tried every thing you know how, and it just never equals more than the same run-around that has become almost calming after so much time. I find comfort in knowing that despite the destruction, I can count on the numbing of your voice through the receiver reprimanding me. I can count on the disappointment, the pain, the tears - and when there's nothing else to count on, you take what you can get.

Ive been away, alone, this season.

and it only takes a moment, though I thought it would take longer. and maybe it was never meant to be, maybe we fell for something that was never really there to begin with. I wonder if you feel like a fool, for I know I am one. I wonder if it ever really mattered. and some days the constant lag is too much to bear and I feel myself slipping. and now I'm scared, to face the days that will come. but it only took a moment, and I knew it was dead.. it was laying there, on the floor at my feet. I thought it would take longer, than that.

I can't make you love me if you don't

thoughts buzz around, bashing into the interior of my skull - begging to be freed. what's the worth of a thought, an emotion so pure it stains my lips red as it leaves my mouth..? what a sad state to find yourself in, where speaking has lost its ability to free you of the weight you carry. and so my lips are sealed and my heart is smashed and scattered about. my back is broken from all the years of picking up the pieces, and my cheeks have carved paths from where the tears have fallen in a steady stream. The privilege of a companion is so sweet, so easily taken for granted - until you find yourself alone, in a dark corner of a place you hardly know. All I can do is wander around in the darkness, bashing into walls and falling to my knees ... waiting for the light to come on again. I have to keep telling myself that it will come on.. it will come on :(

take flight

The harsh reality - someone who squanders your ambitions, and mocks your attempts at bettering yourself... doesn't actually love you. I woke up this morning, and realized this. The cold hard truth of something I wanted so hard to believe in, is really just a show. Just an attempt at normalizing something that has gone too far, has been too cushioned. I keep letting this naive hopes of a better future together cloud the reality that it is going to be a very long, hard, grueling road. What I need to remember is that, despite the rough beginning... every trail even's itself out eventually. It will be hard for awhile, I'll be stressed and scared and lonely and frustrated - but that will pass, as we all adjust to a new, better, healthier lifestyle. Don't try and hold me down, I'm only just beginning.

hope it's nice where you are

caught, somewhere between the surges of emotion that will pull me under at a moments notice. the hardest thing I've done yet, is coming back up for air - force myself to the surface, because I can't just give in. and so, I will let the tide eventually wash me up on shore. I just need to make sure, that I keep breathing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kALSETZ9ngk&feature=bf_next&list=FLoxe3Yc5_jovNxeQ9nA1oDA&lf=plpp_video

should-have-beens

joining the ranks of women (and men) who sit alone on this day, every year - mourning. the loss, the never-was, the should-have-beens. the whatifs and onlyifs playing through over and over again in my head like a tape reel. and what good does it do? left unsatisfied and distraught just like the memories floating through my mind. I don't suppose I'll ever know just why it came to this.. it's so far gone, so past my peripheral vision. the haunting realities of not being enough to deserve more, not validated in my demands to render better. So if I lay down, close my eyes and keep still .. it can't touch me. The surges of pain and regret will course through me, just enough to keep me rooted in the place I lay.. but not enough to pull me under. Maybe for a day, I can hope for something more than this.

and all of the moments that have past we will try and go back to make them last

I've haven't had to walk on my own two feet in a very long time. I've so easily taken the hands which guided me through and let me have it easy. When I recently told someone that I haven't had a "real" job in over 4 years, they were in disbelief... how did I manage that? On one hand, I am really good with money - on the other? someone has always picked up the slack for me. Maybe that's where I've went wrong - believing that someone else would always help me through. It's time now to find my way, without someone leading it for me. It's time to stand up, and create my own journey - find a new independence that I have always so easily surrender to someone more willing to take on the task. Where has that left me, though? In a spot I never wanted to be - because I let someone else direct me here. You will probably sit there thinking, that's it then - this is done. I only see it as just beginning. Putting the past away, and starting over. Admit to the failure - we failed. We tried (whether it was our best or not, remains to be said) and it just wasn't enough. All we can do is try again. Leave the path we came from, and start off in a different direction. There's no use crying, it won't change our fate - it's time to get up and make a fucking difference.

a moment in time

How to articulate something so big, with so much attached? I often find myself at a loss to effectively communicate what I'm thinking.. maybe I'm just not doing it right. I am often left in a place to second guess my decisions and feelings.. it's a very destructive place to be. and I know nothing but being last to someone who I always put first. Now, in time of despair and tragedy I am realizing that in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone else I need to have a healthy understanding of my own self. I don't know who I am anymore.. when did I lose it? ...What I do know is that I need some help, I need some understanding... I need some time. How am I to care for another if I cannot, firstly, care for myself? I sit on the sidelines watching myself deteriorate.. watching myself fall, get back up, get knocked down, get back up, get pushed down... get back up. And so all I'm asking for is some peace. Some moments in time to devote to getting back to a place where I am able to love me first. What else have I ever asked for? What have I ever taken for myself? I give, and I give, and I give.... and it's not enough, it's never close to perfect. So give me the time, with no reservations. Give me the peace, that I've worked so long and hard for. Give me the respect, that I have not only given, but that I deserve. It is not about yesterday, or tomorrow - it is about a moment in time, that is mine alone. When you're at the bottom, there is no way to go but up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eX7nMCRSqJU&feature=g-all-u&context=G216118bFAAAAAAAABAA

fool

how can you be so angry if your so sad? The crippling sadness that I know, does not leave room for ferocious animosity. so I can't help but feel like I am going to fall into another trap to get me where you want me. Make me vulnerable, make me weak - and wait until I feel helpless again.. put on the mask of someone who would do anything to make me happy. and the moment I agree, you'll turn and run away. It's so easy to play nice long enough to fool.

one foot infront of the other, you can't stop me now.

Who am I fooling, really? The ones who know me, love me - know this is not right. They know I'm not right. I walk around defending my actions, pleading for a clean slate. I want it to all disappear and fade to black so that I can just move forward. Always moving forward, forgetting yesterday and hoping for better tomorrow. Where am I when the day ends? In the pit of blackness I have create for myself, begging forgiveness.. begging for a light of some kind. I am waiting for this person who doesn't exist - and I am still surprised when he doesn't come around. Made a fool. So whose to say I am not entitled? Let me fade to the blackness. After all of this time, always getting the worst of the people who get the best of me - I'm defeated. I welcome the pain, because somewhere inside of me I believe I must have done something to deserve this.. at some point in the elusive 'time' of life I have done something awful to render all of this pain. So I will sit back, watch the flames - and wait it out. Pack up my bags, wipe away the tears and dirt and pain... and keep moving forward.

the caring

to understand what you are going through as an individual, you must first try and understand how you got there. every event plays a part in the place you have come too, and you must find it within yourself to be open to the demons that come. there is no fault in trying to be a better person. and when the walls come down, and you are naked and broken on the floor - all of your errors will be highlighted, your demons will fly free and your tears will flow. but nothing new can come from a broken heart, so you first must feel out who you are. there is no chance of a better future without a better person to start from. caring is something that is second nature to me - and not a moment goes by in my day that I don't think about somebody else. I care more for others then I care for myself, and that's one of our biggest problems. I put you, and everyone else before me ... so how am I to be the best for anyone, if I'm last? The damage that has been done is so big, so irreparable.. and nothing is ever guaranteed. all we can do is try and if you've decided you quit, I can't change your mind. I am always going to try and be better, always try and be happier - and I'm never going to settle for less than I deserve again. If that means that I don't care about you, in your mind, then I hope you find someone who accepts that.

reconstruction.

All the words have been written, the plea's have been made, and the tears have been shed - I can't tell you I'm anywhere different now. This place is grey, and in it everything moves slowly. So I will carry the weight of the world, and hold myself strong for the ones who need me too. And when night falls, and the house is quiet and the floors creek under the weight of my step - I will weep. I will say my goodbyes to the life I created, to the person I built from the rubble of my past. I will be better, I will find peace - I will start building again.

done wrong

the wind is ruthless
the trees shake angry fingers at the sky
the people hunch their shoulders
hold their collars over their ears and run by
it's a cold rain
it's a hard rain
like the kind that you find in songs
i guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache
here to sing you about how i've been done wrong

and i am sitting, watching
out the window of the coffee shop
and i am waiting, waiting
waiting for it to let up
i am rocking like a cradle
warming my hands with the cup in between
i am leaning over the table
holding my face over the steam

and before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

it just all slips
away so slowly
you don't even notice till you've lost a lot
i've been like one of those zombies
in vegas
pouring quarters into a slot
and now i'm tired
and i am broke
and i feel stupid and i feel used
and i'm at the end of my little rope
and i am swinging back and forth
about you

before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

half the time the world is ending.

I've spent a lot of time in my short lifetime worrying. I worry about whether I am doing the right thing, the wrong thing, the best thing, the worst thing - whether you think it's okay, or if you will never be able to look at me the same. I worry about today, tomorrow and yesterday. I worry that my wounds won't heal, and I worry that eventually I will stop being able to pick up the pieces all by myself. I worry that tomorrow might not come. I worry that yesterday will never stop haunting me.

Some days, I think that I will probably have no choice when it comes down to it - that goodbye is the only way for me to grow. Other days I feel like I can't breath without you. Every day I feel pain, for being neglected. But I have lost - I don't stand a chance against the person you have created of me. I have nothing left - I tried to compete in a race I lost long before now. And I come out of it, broken and battered and worn and in a wreck. Somehow, it is still not about that. It is about this, and that and then and there and when that's all been sorted, there is still no time left over. I have never went after what I needed - have never set standards to ensure my needs were met. I have always settled for what I want, in hopes that needing something would come along in time. Well, here I am - long past the finish line and I'm still in need.

So much time has been lost, days that can never come back. And if I died tomorrow, would you say to yourself "I tried my hardest"? I know I couldn't.

I don't know how to be something you miss

it's a chain reaction. I start to put pieces together, and make progress through the maze inside my head, in which I have been stuck for so long. Then, just as soon as the direction is there it is gone. And it's just that, I can't fix it. I can't change the direction because, the moment I do, it is a counter move to you. This is natural, how can it not be? We protect what makes us safe, it only makes sense. But when the day end comes, I realize one very important thing. Regardless of direction - I can't live being hated by someone I love. And whether that hate is shared equally for humanity, or if it is divided or if it is reserved for just those you love the most - it doesn't make it hurt any less. And so, bags packed - I am facing the unbearable. I don't want to admit this is happening, I don't want to start dealing with the pain because it means I have accepted the fate of it. But it's time, it's been too long - and so the real hurt will begin. I will lay, broken on the floor, until eventually I can pick up the pieces together again. Time heals all wounds, they say.

and dreaming, pick up from - the last place we left off

Like a choke hold, the missing has me stuck in place. I thrash around, trying to hold onto something, anything to anchor me away from here. I just want to be somewhere else, anywhere else. It feels like sinking - I am in quick sand, and there is nothing to pull me out. I'm just going to stay here, until the end comes swooping over me. And it doesn't have to be this way, we don't have to be sinking. I just can't do anything from where I stand. Hopeless, helpless - I'm begging.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfa9yxCpWoA&list=FLoxe3Yc5_jovNxeQ9nA1oDA&index=2&feature=plpp_video

three

blog posts, msn, facebook = communication. what the fuck has it come too? a babysitter - to come there. not ONE single person I know would condone me coming TO you, and they would especially not come babysit for me, to enforce it happening. Your dreaming.

3 days. I'm leaving for 3 days. What happens after that is all up to interpretation.

but you ain't leaving without a fight

I lay my head down, take a deep breathe, let the tears flow from my eyes, stinging my cheeks as they run down the carved out path. Continue breathing, hold back the shaking, clutch something to stop it. Curl my legs up into my stomach and wrap my arms around them, hold them in close. Choke back the sobs that are creeping up through my throat - begging to be released. Bury my face in the sweater balled up at the top of the bed, it still smells like you. The hours pass, I come in and out of sleep. Restless, haunted by nightmares that always feel too real. Baby wakes, I pull him in close and hush him back to sleep... roll away and lay with my eyes closed shut, holding in everything, holding up nothing. Fall asleep, for an amount of time I couldn't possibly record. Wake to a wet pillow, and realize the tears did not stop while I slept. Get up, and start all over again.

is he different, has he changed - or is he just a liar, with nothing to lie about.

BAM. Explosion. And I'm to do what? Oh yeh, pick up all the fucking pieces. Put it all back together, by myself, in the rain no less. And then when I admit defeat, acknowledge that maybe it's just too much to do alone - I am once again, at fault. So what I am to do when it's always wrong in your eyes? You can't ask someone for the world but keep the gravity for yourself. So I do what I can, keep to myself - and mend the broken hearts. I'm starting to come to terms with the sad truth that if I can't trust one thing, I probably shouldn't count on trusting much. Words are cheap, and I'm running out of time. I've left it all open, I've kept a place for you - but eventually, there come's a point where you have to work to keep a place just given to you. Not everything can be handed on a silver platter. Stand up and fight - show me the person I found in the beginning, before it all fell down.

speechless

there are no words that could efficiently describe the intense and relentless emotions that course through me these days. i feel like i've said it all, i've done my best to acknowledge, and begin dealing with, the surface problems. but there are no right moves when your standing in the middle of a mine field. it's just a matter of waiting for it all to blow up in your face.

you take whats yours and ill take whats mine

pretend that it wont change anything for them, we both know it will. anything to give you an upper hand. this incessant need for control over the daily course of life is only getting in the way, and stopping any progress. so whose to say they're not better off? i don't believe the thick and poison laced whispers that escape from your pursed lips. i don't trust the vague attempts. i don't understand the cruel and vile temperament. and once again, here i am - left with nothing, but everything at the same time. here i am, expected to make my mark... when i'm all dried up and i don't have any juice left to move onwards. and i'll watch them grow, without someone who promised forever. if it's not great, it's not good enough.

all wrong

I am listening hard, through the splintering shards, of my life, as it shatters. I go through the motions, and it feels all wrong. Nothing fits, nothing seems to flow anymore. And somewhere I feel as though I am missing something important. You'd say I'm missing you, you'd say I made this choice. Who is to prove you wrong? I'm certainly in no position, no state-of-mind to be proving much of anything. You've heard it all before, so have I. Still, we don't move forward. If anywhere, we go back - and mull in the puddles of memory. and I miss the smile I found on my face on cold nights like this. But I now am in a position of questioning 'did you ever bring that smile?'