got an empty head that weighs 50 Lbs

"and I'm beginning to see some problems with the ongoing work of my mind" Words are a tool, and every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. I fight fire with fire, and I have a lot of anger. I thought I had a better handle on the problems I face regularly... but I'm starting to realize I actually have very little control. I'm a lose cannon, and my emotions rule my every movement. An escape is what I'm after, a moment of peace. Why is that so much to ask? I feel like I keep trekking through the wild and I just keep coming up in places I've already been, running around in circles with a lack of direction. I am so good with words, I can talk myself into or out of pretty much anything. and it's starting to take more than it gives, and im starting to wonder when the payoff comes - when do I find a reward for all of my sweat, blood, love and dedication? why isn't what I have a payoff? I keep asking questions like this white screen will have answers, like I will find my way through my writing - and at the end, I'm always at the same spot.... typing away into a screen with no reprise.