but you ain't leaving without a fight

I lay my head down, take a deep breathe, let the tears flow from my eyes, stinging my cheeks as they run down the carved out path. Continue breathing, hold back the shaking, clutch something to stop it. Curl my legs up into my stomach and wrap my arms around them, hold them in close. Choke back the sobs that are creeping up through my throat - begging to be released. Bury my face in the sweater balled up at the top of the bed, it still smells like you. The hours pass, I come in and out of sleep. Restless, haunted by nightmares that always feel too real. Baby wakes, I pull him in close and hush him back to sleep... roll away and lay with my eyes closed shut, holding in everything, holding up nothing. Fall asleep, for an amount of time I couldn't possibly record. Wake to a wet pillow, and realize the tears did not stop while I slept. Get up, and start all over again.