baby steps

I always hold back - walking on egg shells, for fear of the next outburst. For what? I have no reservations of what will come after this storm... other than a goal to be in a better place than I am now. A very murky place exists within me and in it, I delude myself. I find justifications in actions, reason where there is none - I let myself believe the lies and the fabrications. I start listening to those words, worse is I start believing them... Only in this murky place. Once away from there, I realize I am happier alone - getting healthy for the first time in a very long time. Never fully healing from the depression that jumped on me when I first took the steps into motherhood. Just relapses of the same pain, the same humiliation. Respect. Understanding. Equality. Trust. Honesty. SIMPLE requests. But they aren't, not to him - it's like I am asking the world. I never would have gone this far, had I been able to forsee what was coming. But you can't change the past, you can only change the future - so that is what I will do.