give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light

desperation. it's such an ugly thing, laced with so much shame. and I wear it always, no matter how hard I fight to stand tall. It's so easy to hide behind this wall of stubborn hard-headed anger. So much easier to just leave it on the curb with all the rest. No one is coming to pick it up, though - so I am reminded every time I come out from behind the wall... it's still sitting there, and it will never go. Not until I find a way to sort it out, and find peace with my misdirections. A lifetime of mistakes and regrets that have piled up - and no energy [desire] to make a dent. some days, I can see the way - and I start to follow through... but it never lasts, and I'm never found. I am always waiting, on something to come next - waiting and wishing, will get me nowhere. I fight hopelessly to make sense of the mess in my head, but not even my heart or my gut knows whats best anymore. what an awful mess i've become.