ebb and flow

You can never make everyone else happy, though we all know I try. Constantly sorting through masses of chaos to try and keep everyone somewhat content. Failing, because it's not enough when it isn't really happiness.... Mediocre attempts at a smile, vague attempts at staying on both feet. We all know most of the time I'm falling, but at least I do it gracefully. I can't clean up the mess, but I am okay with it so long as it's organized. Organized chaos, and it's not good but it's enough. I keep hoping that maybe one day I'll make it up, one day what I'm doing will be enough.. but living in a fantasy is never good for the soul. So I do what I can do appease my heart, and hope that someday I can make it up to you. 

our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

And it happened almost suddenly, without warning. This acceptance of how hard this is going to be. I guess I knew somewhere deep within me that it was a solo journey all along. I keep saying it aloud, hoping that will cement it. It didn't though, and I was still somewhere thinking that it didn't have to be this way. I can't let anyone in, these walls really are too high. It's not even admirable to try anymore, I just look foolish flopping around struggling with my own indecision. It's high time I put my head into war mode and just march on, without hesitating to see if you can catch up. It's too far gone, it's too hard to tackle me down and keep me stationary. I won't believe for a moment that I never tried, that I never cared - for only I can know the ways of my mind and my heart. Only a fool can believe they know one better then they know themselves. I am content to understand that in all fairness, I know practically nothing. But I am eager to learn, I am excited to know a new way, I am anticipating a lot of walking. I learned a long time ago that if it's handed to me, I will take it for granted. I need to work, I need to pour my heart and my time and my blood and my sweat in to feel like I've earned it. Call me stubborn, I won't argue. Call me fierce, I'd be honored. Call me hard to hold, I know it all too well. "Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are done.. setting fire to our insides for fun... collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home. it was a flood that wrecked this."

maybe this year will be better then the last

There is so much that will hold us back if we let it. It's been a year as hard as any other, but I am looking to the rewards and holding on to the good stuff. Saying goodbye, welcoming new beautiful life, wounds turning to scars, picking scabs, climbing mountains and falling down but getting up... and I'm reminding myself to hold on to these moments as they pass <3 br="">

let it rest.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed.
Get along with the voices inside of my head.
You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath.
You think I'm crazy, yeah you think I'm crazy...
Well that's nothing.

and you said that these mountains that I choose to climb will hold the rewards of so much more. These mountains that weigh me and level me - they are my choice, and I am scaling them. A little faith in my judgement would go so far. Trust that I have learned, and am learning, and I am doing my best to get by. It's all water under the bridge - so let it rest. The ice is forming and it's time to cold now to fight it anymore.

seven hundred and thirty

it snuck up on me without warning, and suddenly the sadness made sense. I suppose it will always be hard, this time of year. I hit replay, like I can maybe somehow come up with an answer for why it went so wrong this time - and every time, I come to the same place. I thought I'd blame myself forever, and maybe in some ways I always will, but I know well that you can't love when you don't love yourself. I was so busy fixing, that I lost sight of me. I remember a time when I believed it, when hearing the word "selfish" felt like a true definition of what I am. It doesn't take a genius to look around and see the actions of my selflessness. It doesn't take a genius to know that sometimes, I need to put me first too. Two long years, and the days didn't go by quickly. Though I stand here now, and see all that I have done, all that you said I'd never be able to accomplish without you. It must kill you, it must drive you mad - and deep down, I'm glad. I have never been, and never will be, any of the things you said I was. I will never sacrifice who I am to please somebody else. This has been the hardest lesson to learn, and everyday I am still learning - but I know my worth, and I know what I am capable of. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

every painful ending is the mark of a new beginning

It carpets the world around me, it speaks of new beginnings. I search for something more to hold on to, and I wait for a moment in time that leaves me feeling this alive. It would be so much more if I could tell you what it means, what it does to me - but words aren't enough, and I am silent anyways. The changing of the world around me has me searching for just a little bit more. My standards are higher, my heart is stronger, my mind is made up. "When you fall in the winter, that's when I'll believe it" ... and so will that tell all? You always know me best, no bullshit. I am wavering between the war within and the war without and I am hoping that despite my flaws, it's still visible. I am still fighting, and I am still working - and sometimes, I just wish for it to be a little easier. The world is white, and I am ready.

creativity

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? I don't even have words - all I can say is, shit is getting fancy! If you don't know what a Succubus is (it's the definition of me) ... buut just in case you need the actual definition


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Succubus

Speaks for itself :)

I am folded and unfolding and unfolded

If I could find the words, it still wouldn't be enough. It's always changing, moving - so even the words I capture and regurgitate for the sake of clarification are constantly up for debate. The words don't fit even now, because the mood changes and I have something more to say about the next thought and I can never keep up. I am fine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeehlhaMs50

I took my love, and I took it down.

In those few moments of naive intervention, I feel jealousy and anger and hatred and confusion. It washes over me so quickly and I realize I'm just not where I ought to be. Words have always been so easy for me, flowing effortlessly. It takes so much more time then I'm willing to put in to move past the hurdles that have slowed me down. I made no promises, and I never told a lie - I believe everything I say. But life changes, and so do people - and if I knew the consequences of actions taken upon me, I wouldn't say so many words before hand. That's not the way it works, and you can never know what's to come - all you can do is live in the moment, say what you feel and live honestly. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. Time changes us all, and I'll never be the person I was yesterday because I faced different obstacles yesterday than I will today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsLykJ17Oxc

passive agressive.

... nothing make's them angrier than being happy. unhappy people HATE that - they hate to see you doing well, to be smiling even though life is rough, to be getting by when everyone thought you'd fail. It kills people who can't be happy with themselves, to see you happy. I don't even think life is going okay - but I know if it's not right not, it will be. I know that even though it's hard, we'll make it - and we'll be better off because we know how to pick up the pieces of a heartbreak. My children will be stronger for knowing that life isn't easy, that it takes work, and that you have to fight to make it through. They will ask, and they will search for answers - and I will be proud knowing I raised kids who think for themselves, who look for the answers to their questions, and who can think critically about what they are told. The answers are never in the words, they are in the actions - and you can't believe what you don't see. My head is held as fucking high as it can be, and I won't ever let the hate and the anger and the resentment bring me down a single notch again. I love me, and I love them - and we'll be fine, if not better.

jump ship and swim, that the ocean will hold me.. that theres got to be more than this boat I'm in.

I look around and think, this has got to be enough. This is the reality - this is what you've got to work with, so work with it! Constantly waging wars against the wanting. The ongoing dialogue that I work against to chase out the demons sometimes drives me insane, and I hide in the dark and listen to the sounds of songs that drown the noise. It's something above and beyond the level of understanding I hold for the way my brain works. I am left out of the realm of understanding - so again I am left to work with what I've got. The ever present acknowledgment that only I can climb this mountain. My nails are bitten down to the skin, my hair is falling out, my body is sore and my mind is tired - but if I stop, everything stops. Tell me how, I'll ask how come. I won't let it shape me, I won't hold on to the pain - I stay close to the brook on this journey, so I can put the negative energy on a log and send it down the mountain and back to where I started. I'm working, and it's with what's in my reach. Now that I'm on the outside, I can see all the beauty of something more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg

Help, I'm alive

It's the hardest, when you think you have it under control - and you don't. I've got my mind made up, and I'm not going backwards again - and I'm sorry it didn't work like we had planned. It never does, though. Expect the unexpected and you can't be disappointed, and if you`re going to fall without a safety net... don't act so shocked when you hit the ground, shivering and stunned. I can't change the tides, though you know I've tried... or maybe that's it, you don't know that I've tried.Time changes everything, and life will surprise you continuously if you let it. I want to say I'd change it if I could, but the truth is I wouldn't - we're here for a reason, and if I've learned nothing else.. I've learned that I cannot force change against gravity. https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWNfumxLgITbRuED1mhKVhNAR6U35sEzcQwQA7gFhPmRB1Cl6nlCb7ucIXHTswQ64bknlKyHKnY0jFie-DZLTHBQmEGBb5Aq5lP6p_ltLarW1BdMmeJY0M91-3IylbSvJkmB52rL3uQR0/s1600/18sametime.jpg

out of my head

I wake up in a cold sweat, I panic, I can't figure out where I am. But I'm here, I'm always here... I'm just outside the realm of my normalcy. Like a bloody 1000ft wall... I stand on the outside, looking at what I've built. I crafted it so high and so tall, that not even I can get in now. I'm endeared, it's quite sweet - but you're wrong about me, and sooner or later you'll have to face that won't you? I'm out of my mind. Don't be fooled by the motions, by the smile on my face, by the life I lead - it will kill me, in the end, be sure. It's some terribly tragic tale of what could of been, and what should have been. It's out of my hands, I'll say... what's done is done. Truth is, I just can't. As soon as I've found myself at the starting line... to fight against the elements for what "should be" ... I just give up. The anxiety of the battle to come is too high, the stakes are too high, the probability of my fate is just too damn high. And I'm out here anyways, side by side - looking in and wondering what the actual fuck happened? How did that wall get so high? and how the hell am I going to get back inside?

For you are fearfully and wonderfully made

You left an impression on me, the day your parents drove up behind me and told me you were coming. I went to bed that night, tears in my eyes, fear and joy and love and excitement all deep within my heart. I watched you grow from the outside, as your mother's belly swelled and you moved around within the cocoon she had help grow just for you. I sat in amazement as this women I have shared every part of myself with started down the journey I have been walking for so long now (with her at my side, all the while). I was graced with her insight, her intuition, her fear, her love, her doubts, her dreams. She amazed me at every turn, and I began to realize that you were the source of this new part of a women I thought was already perfectly complete. I wanted so badly to be everything for your mom, that she has been for me - an impossible feat. Regardless of that, when the decision came that you were coming.. time froze. I was paralyzed by a feeling I didn't know could even resonate within me, a anxiousness I didn't know possible. I wanted to compare it to the feeling I had when my own children entered this world, but it was somehow different. This feeling came from somewhere else within me, and it held me... it still holds me. I sat, like all the rest, and waited... helpless. And so were your parents, for mother nature had plans unknown to us. And then after a day of restless and helpless pacing... your dad walked through those intimidating doors and with a look I'd never seen on his face before that moment, told us of your arrival. And I wept, and he wept, and everyone surrounding us wept as well. I went home, knowing that you had just changed the world of so many - including mine. I loved you long before I knew you, little boy. I will love you long after you are gone - and when I held you in my arms for the first time, I was overcome with the feeling of profound admiration. For your strength, and for your parents. I will do everything I can for you, at any moment for any length of time - I promise to love you, and protect you, and guide you and help you. I promise to be the person for you that your mother has been for your cousins (who love you more than I thought possible). Welcome to the world, child. We've been waiting for you <3 nbsp="" p="">
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmi3Dk1YAFI

the room is spinning now, darlin'

This black line, flashing at me... reminding me that more words are needed. more attention is required. more of me is never enough. I am overwhelmed and held down by the anxiety of the longing. Why can't it just be something I don't have to hope for? Should I have to ask? This isn't supposed to be done alone. This isn't how it's supposed to go. Always wanting more, always expecting nothing. I'm never disappointed that way. Except when I am, like now, when my mind needs to stay focused on the task at hand.... the black line blinks and reminds me there are words needed else where. It's due tomorrow, stop changing your focus, stop obsessing. You can't change them, not one single man. You can't change the tides... so focus, regain composure... focus.

you decide to be alone.

It could be so easy, if there were a way to switch it off. After a whole life time of looking for ways to numb it... shut it down - I have come to terms with my inability to do either. So I will listen to songs that make my heart ache and feel it all as it comes, and for once in my fucking life trust my gut and go with what feels right... not what everyone expects of me. Here goes...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB4X1XLiO6g

there is no saving the sinking ship.

Like clockwork, October comes and the wind is deep and chills me to the center - the sadness wipes me clean. Erases everything I had worked so hard to maintain... and I'm back to square one. It won't seem so strange anymore, to watch me struggle. I find reason inside that tells me I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about... it never wins over anxiety. I love my life so much and I know how much harder it could be - but that doesn't make how hard it IS any easier to cope with. I fight against the tide, and hope for the best. October is usually the start of my defeat, and the leaves fall around me and I am yearning. If you could fall in and out over and over and never fall so hard you broke, I wonder if you would. I wonder what the thrill holds, that the security does not. I wonder a lot these days, about this and that and what if and what not. It's only the start of something terrible, once my head gets wrapped up in those. The whatifs and whatnots and howcomes and maybes. Some time far from now, I will look back at the cold and think "it never lasts" .... my body is a waste land of emotions, and I am an open sore.

loveless

sometimes I'm so sure what I say is clear.. and again I'm not heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IhI87arSAE

the fortress

I pick up a pen, and the words flow like tears welled up deep inside. Hidden are the thoughts and promises broken, hidden is the truth amongst the ink on the page. I first came here in hopes to face my own darkest places, a public attempt at picking it all apart. Now, I know I won't do it here. I am guarded and fearful - the truth is not easy to face. I have, for good reason, built up a fortress surrounding my heart - and no matter how noble the attempt, you will not penetrate this place. For better or worse.. I will hold strong, and forgive the fallen soldiers. It can't be easy - wanting something unattainable for no personal wrong doing. I have my reasons, I have my demons, and I have these walls. The loneliness will hold me tightly, and I will pay till the end for my stubbornness. "Let yourself be happy" ... the price is to high, and I'm out of coins. This is what I've earned, this is what I've resorted too. You don't have to tell me, because I already know - I already live it, every day. Let it lie.

some days no words that come from me seem to make any sense, and I am helpless in explaining what I need to project. so I search endlessly for something to hold on to, relate to... something to make sense of this mess I keep finding myself surrounded by... time will guide me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpnItCSwje8

it's between the lines

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjB2hbMYIXo

I'm ambitious, when giving up

I let the water cover my skin, grasp me tightly and hold me. My mind turns off and I float off to somewhere quiet and untouched. I wonder about all the things I am holding on to, all the people who have come and gone. No one ever claimed innocence, certainly not I. Premeditated motions, avoidable. I wonder if that make's it hurt more.... I run the water hot, and it scalds my skin. I have to step out to catch my breath, let my heart slow down to normal pace. Nothing soothes like the steam and heat, nothing calms my mind as effortlessly. The movements that follow are slow, and I am pleased with the comfort I find in the emptiness. I won't let it hold me, but I will never let it go. Find a little spot for it somewhere deep, and let it rest there for as long as it takes to find my way back to the start. Forgiveness never comes easy.

I know one thing

Sometimes, when I think I've finally got a grasp on things, it all comes apart and I can't help but laugh. What do I honestly expect? I had the pleasure of meeting some new friends who knew nothing of me or my past or my present. The pleasure came in having a fresh perspective.. a complete virgin to Katie Watson. My most favorited reaction was "you've taken more than your fair share" ... but say's who, I asked. Me and fair never got on, anyhow. So let it be a lesson that when I seem to be on the right track, the derailment will happen momentarily. Expectations will leave you endlessly disappointed - but I assure you if you hold me to no standard, I may entertain... or perhaps even bring out a smile or two. I tried so fucking hard, it hurt. And nontheless, the wheels buggered up and lost their spot and now I`m sitting on the side of the line with a smoke and a strong drink of whiskey saying "well what the fuck did you expect?" I know one thing, and I know it so well - and even if it kills me, I stay loyal to it.

highest kind of high

The days are long, the years are short - and I sit here in the sun wondering if I will remember times like this. Cuddles full of dirt and sweat and popsicle mess. I cherish the moments that leave me warm and full of love, the moments that despite my worries are being recorded somewhere deep. It's time in space that make me appreciate all that I have, all that I have created. Three pure and beautiful lives that I have the privilege of riding along for. How did I luck out? the exhaustion and the stress float away in the wind, and I am left with the highest kind of high. I live to love, love to laugh, learn to love, and follow the cues - we only have one shot, it's time I made the best of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap88Nvq44uQ

but he don't recognize me anymore

A song to go with every mood, every epic moment in time. A phrase or lyric that will fit perfectly like a puzzle piece into my head for whats happening in front of me, within me, around me. Sometimes it's out of my hands and the best I can do is to let it go, and watch it fade. God knows I fucking tried, and I paid for my efforts. I dreamt of something unattainable, and I held on so tightly - maybe too tight. Life comes in waves and bad things happen, and all I can do now is learn. Who knew there would be so much to learn, so much to know, so many wrong decisions waiting to be made. If it brought me here, and it lead me to right - was it really that wrong? It's so hard to move forward holding on to all the baggage from my past... letting it go sounds so easy. I keep these boxes stock piled in the back, packed full of yesterdays. I seem to have missed summer all together, so missing spring cleaning seems to fit well. My head hasn't caught up to my heart, surprisingly; it's so often the other way around. I stopped blaming the accomplices, stopped holding anger and resentment - it's just empty now. It all happens for a reason.. not for some divine intervention, or because of fate... but merely to bring us to the next happening in time. It is just a sequence of events and you can do what you want with it, but it will be yours and when it comes to an end no one can own the roads you took and what aided your decisions but you. Own it.

and your past, it ain't lost on me.

Tiny steps. I'm cautious, and I'm nervous. It's been a long time coming, accepting that I deserve more than what I've accepted for so long. I wonder if I'll ever know how or why, or if like the rest, it will wash away with time as I move forward. I let go of what I've held on to for so long, and proceed with the walk on this tipsy balance beam of life. I keep falling, and no matter how hard I try my balance is off. Commendable that I keep getting back up, and trying again. I can't stay down, even though for so long I tried to. I wanted to keep you company, I wanted to make sure you were okay. In the process, I stopped making sure I was. Never sure completely, about anything. Constantly in a state of wonder, of deciding. I have to let go of something I never had to begin with, and start in a different direction. I expect these thoughts are just words on a screen and it will never fully resonate. I hope that it will merge into something I can handle, that it will ease into the routine of what is. I can't ask anymore.. what is there left to ask? ... and I know that what will be, will be...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cITPH-51QZw

The Orange Rhino Challenge

Today is the day I stand here and admit that I am ashamed of myself. Now, I haven't come to this realization for sympathy or a courteous "you're doing a great job"... because the fact of the matter is, I'm not. I am a yeller, I do it often and without thinking. I yell so much, that before I have even made a move after an accident or wrong-doing, my kids are anticipating my fury. I am less engaged, and less interested in everything that involves them because of it. I have seen the fear in my child's eyes, and I have seen the damage it has caused in our relationships. I am short-tempered, irritable and frustrated - and although that is part of motherhood.. kids are just kids. While they make a lot of mistakes... they are human, and humans make a lot of mistakes. It comes down to: I don't like being yelled at, so why do I ever think it's okay to do it to them? So today, I start my challenge. I am putting my phone down more often, and leaving the computer turned off. I am focusing my energy on our lives, as they are the only ones I can make any changes with. I am publicly declaring here and now, that I do not accept this part of me. It isn't who I am, and it has got to go. The four of us are a team, and in order to beat the odds we have to work as a team. We can't do this when one of us is always on the verge of a meltdown. I ask that as my friends and family, you help support me through this. When I am about to lose my temper and let our a yell, acknowledge it. Help me be aware of the rage that overcomes me, and help guide me through this change. I love my kids more than life itself, and the last thing I want from them is fear. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be, and the last thing I want to be is a yeller.

no better time then the present

I search for an answer, some clear cut decision. I've not yet trained my heart to know that it is never clear-cut. So I subconsciously wander around... hoping for something to point me in the "right" direction. I ponder, and wonder, and hope for something that will guide me out of the darkness that I seem to be wading through. I can't help but question how after all this time, after all the different paths I've taken, I have not learned the art of patience. All I've got is time, and every day is a new chance to do something with it. Shift out of reverse, and get on with it... there's nothing stopping me, but me.

Now I'm feelin different.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm2n-zm7zQg

This wall

Do you see this wall? It didn't come up overnight. It was built grudgingly after too many anxiety attacks caused for no reason other than to prove a point. It was inspired by the broken heart left in the puddle over and over. It has my blood and sweat and tears worked into every brick, layer after layer. Do you see this wall? It didn't come up in a day. It took me years of pain and anger and hurt and frustration, it took courage. This wall wasn't put in place to keep people out, it was built to protect the four of us. It was built to make sure the war stayed on the other side, and we could recoup over here. It was never meant to cause anger, never meant to cause harm. This wall, though tall and strong, was put in place to be breached. I built a door, somewhere along the wall. Be warned that the door is locked, but that genuine kindness alongside trust and honesty is the key. This wall did not come up in a week, for it has taken me years to build, I took breaks along the way. Breaks where I let others join me on this side, only to be burned. Be warned this wall is strong and tall, but it wasn't meant to stand in place forever.

and I'm gonna leave this town

A lot can be said for a blast of hatred. It puts confused emotions into perspective, and reminds you that you are standing on your own two feet... no help. I don't know if it's a good thing that I am always forgiving.. but at least when I get burned after trying to make peace, I am self-aware enough to walk away. Sometimes, there's really nothing left but the end. Sometimes, you really just have to let it lie. Famous last words, that I keep having to remind myself of. Keep going, one foot infront of the other... don't let it bring you down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En6iNoyqI_E

Shit, or get off the pot.

A never ending cycle of going back to times before now, and finding no answers. What I'm trying to find isn't clear, but what I do find is always the same. The same disappointments, the same heart aches, the same questions that will go unanswered. Finding myself in the same vulnerable position, wishing I had more willpower than this. If I could go back and change it all, I might... just for some new scenery... a change in pace. The demon's are sticking around, and I look forward to having the mental capacity to start tackling them one on one. I'm in no rush to watch my life pass me by, so I will take it one day at a time... and be grateful for what I've got now... work with what I have available to me. Good things come to those who wait.

Carpe Diem

No one signs up for this.

I open my eyes, smile at the sight of a fully-energized, ready-for-the-next-adventure-toddler. I give a squeeze, stretch my legs.. and within moments I am being questioned. It never fails, if I wake up smiling this boy is going to break my heart. Asking to see someone he never sees, and my answers are never good enough. But why? he asks... how come? tomorrow? and tomorrow is always an illusive promise... "yah buddy, maybe tomorrow". How long until that won't be good enough? How long until he stops asking... the girls stopped asking a few months ago, the expectation is lost. I spent so much time feeling guilty, like somehow I should prevent it from happening... somehow I should do better at making these relationships happen. It's taken me to long to realize that I am not God, and I do not micro-manage others ability to relate to their children. I let it go, and leave it in the hands of those responsible. I smile, and distract the interest to something more tangible... a puzzle, a favorite book, some more snuggles before we start the day. I didn't sign up to do this alone, but I'd rather do it alone than pretend anyone was as devoted to these three kids as I am, having that expectation constantly fall short of reality.

I didn't sign up for this, but I'm not going to let that stop me from working with what I've got.

wash away

when it rains, it pours. I always find such calmness when the water pours from the sky, washing away yesterday. mistakes are part of the game of life, and all we can do is learn and grow from them. I remember nights just like this, when life was something completely different. the curse of loving and letting go, is never being able to forget.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbjE7NFmUI

changing the locks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip27VUOUqbc

lone

Today : I've set a direction. It is a direction in which no one would choose willingly - no one really ever should have to. That is besides the point, as I've not the access to another one. This is the only way I can go - because every other brings me back to a state of dependence. I've never been happy, depending on anyone. I am on a path to find myself, to smile for real, and laugh hard and without hesitation. I am willing to navigate my way through the mess, to get to that place. I am alone in this, because you must be alone to find yourself. Otherwise, you will keep finding versions of yourself molded by those surrounding you.

Tomorrow : I will cry, and hate this decision. I will resent everyone and thing around me - and wish I had some help, and some clarity.

The day after that : I will pick myself back up, dust off, and keep going.

I am not stopping. I am not giving in. I deserve to be happy, I have earned that much. Misery loves company, and I am happier being alone.

ugly

curled up tightly in a ball, after a quick glimpse in the mirror. this must be explained, but for me and not for you. I look sad, I look tired, I look worn - but most of all, it makes me feel like an ugly person. Physically, this has no weight. Mentally? I don't like me on the inside. I critically analyze my movement's, actions and reactions - and it pulls me under. Under the sheets of my unmade bed that, part time, acts as my solitary confinement.  I am holding strong to the notion that today is an off day. Anxiety is a crippling and exhausting demon to live with - and though I have more on days than off, the off still break my knees from the pressure placed on my shoulders. The little voices saying "you should be doing x,y,z" or "what if a,b,c happens because you didn't do x,y,z right now?" or worse off... "you didn't do x,y,z good enough, you fail". So this ball is my way of holding it all in before it spills out on the floor. I pat myself on the back, for another day of social awkwardness and discomfort. For getting out of bed, and sending the girls off to school and holding Liam extra tight before I dropped him off at Christine's. I remind myself that the dishes will wait, and that I won't fail university because I am choosing not to pour over that reading immediately, and if I can't do everything perfectly today ... there is always tomorrow. Long enough to stretch out, cry a little, and write this down. To get it off my mind, to put it somewhere that I can visually collect these thoughts and say... sometimes it isn't so okay... some days will hurt more than others. and some days, I feel like an ugly person.

this time of year

Eyes closed shut, lips pursed tightly together, breath held in like the most valuable thing on earth. I am swept back to bad decisions, nights cold and lonely - surrounded by people I used to know. This time of year, despite the weather or temperature, always drags me back. A rebirth of all the decisions I've made, like watching old video clips of a time so long ago. I wander through the memories, giving them each my acknowledgment. Walking down the long, dusty corridor to where the demon's wait. They've been expecting me. It won't be long now, till the warmth of the sun and the smell of the air has me closing the doors and opening up the windows. Reminding myself I knew better, and got here somehow, and some day's will just be harder. Summer is on it's way, willing to ease my broken mind some... and carry me back home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZI5xUDElgk

logic vs. emotion

It's only a matter of time before the world ends, and we start back up from nothing. Sometimes you need that sort of redo. I look to the part of me that makes it all happen, when my emotions are overriding and letting all the hard work slip away. You've come to far for this, Katie. Don't let go now, don't give in. When you've been dealt everything that doesn't work, that won't satisfy your needs - you create new expectations, new guide lines. For the love of all that is good and just, I will not let go again. There is more to this than what meet's the eye, there is more to what is written on the page. Starting from nothing, got nothing to lose.

warm nights, awaiting

spring clearing

Like the snow melting into puddles at my feet, I feel the sadness slowly doing the same. Thawing. And I drive into the sun, hoping to catch it for only a few moments longer. It's been so long since we danced. Everything changes when the world turns from one season to the next.. and we wait, as we always seem to, for something more. Restlessness stirs, and I feel my feet moving beneath me - subconsciously deciding where to run to now. I yearn for the day when I no longer feel like running, the day when everything is just as right as it can be. The sun always reassures me that one day, it will come. I'm coming out of hibernation, I'm coming headstrong to tackle the demons who spent the winter nesting here. Time to clear out cobwebs and dust out the attic... time to make space for me, again.

you were my sweetest downfall

Visiting old songs, like pages written in my book : worn, and well loved. Wrapped in a blanket, wrapped in my memories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8

potential

I can remember the joy like it only happened a few moments ago. Remembering is exhausting. I'd like to just forget - start over. Amnesia is sickeningly appealing - if only I could keep the lessons learned but forget the pain it caused me. I wonder a lot about the impacts of letting this weigh on me for so long will have... like I have any choice in the matter. "Get over it" sounds so nice - but it's just not that easy. It's an every day uphill battle. Knowing the past is the past for a reason, believing that happier days will come, understanding that you deserve more. Seems simple enough, right? But when your heart is broken and your soul is weak and you feel defeated at every turn - these simple affirmations seem unattainable. The small tokens of every day common living plague. you like a long dessert road with no end in sight. A year is a long time, but it's gone by so fast. I'm closing the door, but it is never locked. Just knock -  I will answer with a smile, and invite you in for a cuppa tea.

so many people to love in my life, so why do I worry about one?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVXFP89EeqU

Some times it doesn't matter what you say, or how you feel - it can't be changed. Accepting that this is out of my hands is hard to bare, but it's all I can do to prevent the self destruction. I wish for better, I hope for happier days... optimism was never a strong suit for me. I pack my bags and I put out the last of the embers still rumbling, aching to catch fire. I was never good at loving myself, but it's about time I learned how.

bluff

The most frustrating thing for me is not being able to communicate without being attacked. Even more frustrating, is communicating and it having NO IMPACT whatsoever. Just coming up on the same things, over and over - no logic, little understanding or desire to. Why do I keep holding on to things that give me nothing in return? I go round and round, asking the same questions - and nothing changes. I keep saying I QUIT. My bluff is always called, and I'm still here. What a huge failure - what a damn shame.

blocked

I spent a long time thinking my worth was based on what you thought of me. It's taken me even longer to understand my worth has nothing to do with you. Whether you think I'm the sun and the stars, or the dirt and the grass... it makes no difference. I can't change anything about where I've been or what I've done... and I don't want to. Everything factors in to what I've got right now, and I've made incredible strides in the last year. I've learned my worth, and I'm learning to stop basing my decisions on an opinion of an outsider. I've learned I can set goals, and achieve them - even if you don't think I can. If you're not helping me up, you're only pushing me down.

blame is much too messy. some was bound to get on you, while you were tryin to put it on me.

I can logically map out the patterns, I can see the mistakes and where they take place. I can sit back and understand my position and the part I play in the circles. So why is it that I can't stop it from happening? I lose faith in my sanity when I can continue chasing my tail, and I'm overwhelmed by the absolute disregard for my effort. Some quiet would be so nice, so cherished. some silence. Instead, I chase... round and round in circles. I can see all the dips and turns, errors and mistakes : I just can't stop it. Maybe it can't be stopped. What will be, will be. I'm only one person, and the world is on these tiny shoulders.

hope

my head is swimming. amazing how the very same thing can be viewed in such different manors. to one person, an excitement - a joy! to the next, a burden.. a pain and a heart ache. I am so overwhelmed with happiness, to even just be a part. I am looking forward to the future.. a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. good things happen all the time, you just have to pay attention

we walk in the same direction, so we can never stray

music heals the soul. so I finger through my old CD's and find songs that will ease the tension, release the sadness, empty my head. long lost lusts, broken hearts, from-the-gut-laughs, days I don't remember, years I'll never forget. When there is nothing left to say, is it time to walk away? questions nobody can answer but me, because nobody knows the rhythm of my heart ... nobody can make my decisions because nobody has walked through the life I have to get to these choices. When hard becomes impossible, and pain becomes unbearable. some times, the right right thing and the hardest thing are the same.

capsized

my boy

You came into this world with such force and wonder, I sometimes have to take a step back and remind myself just who you are and how you got here. It feels like merely moments ago that you came up for air and changed my every notion of what life was to be like. I am in such amazement of the little life that has flourished, what an incredible little person you have grown to be. You shine light into every dark corner, and whether you realize it or not, have saved me time and time again. You are a testament that great things can come from very dark places - and I will never be able to show you just how much I am in awe of you. So many days have past since you arrived, so many more days will come.. we have so much to explore. You bring me to my roots and show me the simplicity of life. Happy day of birth to you, my sweet little boy - we are only just beginning.

heartbreak even

The mayhem that plagues the unconscious hours is riddled with the lies and deception I've run from for so long. I open my eyes, floating between reality and a dream I thought I could hold. The weight of gravity pulls me down, back to feet on the ground. I dream I've got this little girl, she has brown eyes... we're always walking to nowhere in particular. She holds my hand tightly, pulls me along eagerly... but then we get to nowhere and she's taken from me. I spend the rest of what seems like endless hours searching desperately to find her. Who took her? How did I let her get from my sight? Why can't I find her? ... and then I'm awake, and she's not real. She is just a brown eyed girl made up in my subconscious, left to haunt me. It's a long road to forgiveness, it takes a long time to heal. Sometimes, I wake up thinking if only I could stay asleep a little longer... I would be able to find her, grab her hand and never let go.

give me hope in the darkness

Dear Me, Strength has always been the one thing you believed you had none of. You are wrong. Look at where you've gone, from where you have come. Despite the odds, you have defeated the barriers placed in front of you and alone, have conquered most. Stop beating yourself up about the people who have let you down, they have only reinforced that you are strong enough to get back up. Some days, it will feel like all the cards are stacked against you. Some days, they will be. One day in the grand scheme of things is hardly but a pebble on the beach. Keep going, this too shall pass. When you feel like giving up, and that you'd do anything for a lent hand - turn to those who have always dropped everything for you and yours. Stop looking in dark corners for light, you will only find disappointment. Accept the things (and people) you cannot change, and look to the horizon. There is always something coming, always a new day. You are not useless. You are not stupid, or pathetic. You are not defined by the choices you have made in the past, but merely they have shaped your judgment for the future. Forgive yourself, for everyone makes mistakes. It is normal to slip up, to take steps back and do the same things over again. It's hard, and you are forgiven for giving in to temptation. Don't let the weight of broken promises, hurtful names and power struggle bring you to your knees. You can not change anyone else's mind, all you can do is keep being yourself. Stay true to the morals you hold, and be honest and forgiving. The people who matter, don't mind. And the people who mind, don't matter. You are doing okay. Keep going. It's lonely, and it's hard : but it will level out, and you will have a new found pride in how strong you really are. Love always, You.

it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame

what does it mean, the water?

the aching isn't lessened by the release of tears. sometimes you can only be so lucky. I wash my face in the cold water running from the tap, attempting to freeze them where the lay. I know it's important to take the bad, just as much so as it is to take the good. Today it is more than I can bare, and distraction is my best friend. Dive into the papers scattered at my feet, hope my mind will trail off into the pathway of learning. So hard to focus, so hard to stay awake. I let it crash over me like the oceans wave.. let it run down me and take me out. There is no point in fighting the pain - just let it flow through me, and take it as it comes. nothing can ever be the same again.

one step at a time

The days feel longer, and the cold is stuck in my bones. Can't warm up, can't stay awake. There is something so comforting about the grey of winter though, something that leaves me numb from all the rest of it. My movements are slow motion, and it feels like I am constantly waiting for something that won't come. I find myself wondering constantly what *needs* to happen, ignoring what should happen for the benefit of everyone. All the while, neglecting what should probably happen for the benefit of me. It's amazing to me how readily I will put my own needs in the back seat while I adhere to the needs of everyone else. I need to get back into the practice of self care - and stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks. The people who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

ghost in my mind

restless. things to do, goals to accomplish - and I am frozen in place, anxiety rushing in like a current of water flowing into the underground levels of a slowly sinking ship. no way to patch the hole, no way to stop the flow of water.. soon to be my demise. so I sit here, frozen and helpless - watching the water rise higher and higher around my feet. what an absolutely terrible feeling this is.

sunshine, red wine, reason to sing.

Some times the right answer, doesn't seem like the right answer. Life is tricky like that, always keeping you on your toes. My toes are cut up, sore and bloody. In fact, there are holes in my shoes, worn out from where i've been balancing on my tip toes. I know there is more to life than this, and that the fog is keeping me low. I have more to offer, more to do... it's time I found a way out. Some days I wake up, not really awake at all. Some nights, I sit here restless in a body that feels alien to me. I shift from person to person, without much warning. I wonder how hard that must be, for everyone watching. I'd challenge that it's harder to do, than to watch. Though, I shouldn't say hard... it comes so naturally. I am a professional shifter. And sometimes, it's just not an easy choice. These decisions will mold me, shape me, break me and hold me. I can't do anything but what I'm going to do, though. We knew that already though, didn't we? I'm the wind, and it's never really easy to hold on to something that you're not sure was ever really there in the first place. The right answer doesn't always seem like the right one, but only I never asked you to decide what's right for me... did I?