I'm ambitious, when giving up

I let the water cover my skin, grasp me tightly and hold me. My mind turns off and I float off to somewhere quiet and untouched. I wonder about all the things I am holding on to, all the people who have come and gone. No one ever claimed innocence, certainly not I. Premeditated motions, avoidable. I wonder if that make's it hurt more.... I run the water hot, and it scalds my skin. I have to step out to catch my breath, let my heart slow down to normal pace. Nothing soothes like the steam and heat, nothing calms my mind as effortlessly. The movements that follow are slow, and I am pleased with the comfort I find in the emptiness. I won't let it hold me, but I will never let it go. Find a little spot for it somewhere deep, and let it rest there for as long as it takes to find my way back to the start. Forgiveness never comes easy.