out of my head

I wake up in a cold sweat, I panic, I can't figure out where I am. But I'm here, I'm always here... I'm just outside the realm of my normalcy. Like a bloody 1000ft wall... I stand on the outside, looking at what I've built. I crafted it so high and so tall, that not even I can get in now. I'm endeared, it's quite sweet - but you're wrong about me, and sooner or later you'll have to face that won't you? I'm out of my mind. Don't be fooled by the motions, by the smile on my face, by the life I lead - it will kill me, in the end, be sure. It's some terribly tragic tale of what could of been, and what should have been. It's out of my hands, I'll say... what's done is done. Truth is, I just can't. As soon as I've found myself at the starting line... to fight against the elements for what "should be" ... I just give up. The anxiety of the battle to come is too high, the stakes are too high, the probability of my fate is just too damn high. And I'm out here anyways, side by side - looking in and wondering what the actual fuck happened? How did that wall get so high? and how the hell am I going to get back inside?