disappointed.

It came rushing through me like I was 7 years old again. The crack in her voice, the sadness in her eyes - and i remembered the times I asked, and didn't receive. Circumstance is not always on our side, but it doesn't change the broken heart of a child. Just another strike against the confidence she seeks so hard to find, struggles so much to carry - to young to understand why, to smart to let it weigh her down. but subconsciously it is already at work, and one day she will be me.. and hopefully she will pair herself with a man who won't ever give the excuses she fights so hard to understand. I can only want more for her, and teach her what she must do to achieve the goals she sets in place. I can only sit here, cradling her in my lap, telling her "maybe next time" and holding back the tears that come rushing through me like I was 7 years old again.

begin again

It's a pit in the bottom of my stomach, some sick need to hold on. Still feeling desperate, still wanting to "fix" it. There is no fixing, there is nothing. So i go through the motions of being alright - telling myself I'm doing okay. So why is it that the pain holds on like super glue? Why is it that in a moments time I feel it all over again, and the idea of this being "real" makes me sick to my stomach? I wonder how it is that it can be so similar, but happen to be worlds apart. I wonder how I'll ever get over this...

give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light

desperation. it's such an ugly thing, laced with so much shame. and I wear it always, no matter how hard I fight to stand tall. It's so easy to hide behind this wall of stubborn hard-headed anger. So much easier to just leave it on the curb with all the rest. No one is coming to pick it up, though - so I am reminded every time I come out from behind the wall... it's still sitting there, and it will never go. Not until I find a way to sort it out, and find peace with my misdirections. A lifetime of mistakes and regrets that have piled up - and no energy [desire] to make a dent. some days, I can see the way - and I start to follow through... but it never lasts, and I'm never found. I am always waiting, on something to come next - waiting and wishing, will get me nowhere. I fight hopelessly to make sense of the mess in my head, but not even my heart or my gut knows whats best anymore. what an awful mess i've become.

why me? why this now? why this way?

Its supposed to be therapeutic to write it out. So I type the words on the screen and find some comfort in the familiarity. I guess it is never going to be as easy as it seems. The waves.. the ever present waves. I wander out to the mid waist, and wait for the current to pull me under. I don't know if I would fight for breath... I don't know that I could. My wondering will be the end of me - my curiosity. My inability to start a new chapter.. always revisiting the last one in order to try and gain a clearer understanding of -what-went-wrong- I will never understand why you couldn't love me like I loved you. I will never know what happened to my sense. I will not find an answer to how I ever let the outcome of my sanity lay rest in your care. I will spend the rest of my life building back the castle you tore down. I won't ever know how that can be compared to the position of my cunt. Move on, let it rest, let it be - I tell myself. But then I look down at this beautiful life that encompasses my whole being and I see you. It's a constant reminder of what could have been. They tell me "he looks like him" and I say... he looks like himself. Because if you think I don't know, you're a fool. The biology of the lives I have single-handedly brought this far, always thrown at me like its a fault. Like somehow, it changes the purity of who they are. Like my demons speak for their destiny. It's a story as common as a penny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQyF-bazxQU

building from the ground up

One foot in front of the other, like a child learning the ways. I am starting all over, from the ground up. I lay awake and wonder, I close my eyes and do the same. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns... and all these ideas are not new. I have thought them all before. This feels different, this feels solid. I can do it, I am capable. It's not ideal, but when is it ever? Have I ever had a taste of ideal? Nothing but fabrications, nothing but galleys to lead me here. But here I stand, here I start again. Turns out, they were right - I am one in a million, and it will burn like fire till the days end that I am okay. I won't burn, like it was planned. I am standing... next I will walk, steps will come. So go ahead and doubt how far I'll get, go ahead and will me down. I will not stop. I may falter, in fact I likely will falter... but no one will ever stop me from getting up again. Better alone, with my trio at foot. We won't slow down.

patheticwhorecuntslutbitchuselessmoron

I wear no shame, despite the path you have so carefully paved for me. I wear no fear, despite my insecurities. It has taken so much time to be the person I wanted to be, and life has thrown in so many obstacles. What would it be without those barriers, though? I never would have gotten the determination i have to succeed if it was all handed to me, like you were. It's taken me a long time to understand that I don't need you... that I don't need a warm body. Or who needs enemies, when I have friends like you? I just tack it on to the long list of fuck-me-overs. And you won't ever see it like that... it will always be the pain done to you. It will always be the victim played.. and karma is a bitch. I won't ever regret a decision I've made, because it all leads me to the future - and I'd never go back, not for anything. Turn your head and deny the cards played - it does not phase me. I am forward bound, and I won't slow down. I am proud of who I am and how far I've come, and no words will change that.

I'm wiped and I'm wired, but I guess it's just as well

Silence. Is this what I was after? The days have gone by so fast and I wonder if I'll ever feel sober again. Every morning I open my eyes, my head throbs and my throat is sore - like a bad hangover. My body alone has shown me something is not right... my heart and head know, as well. I try to put it down in words, but it all comes out jumbled and confused. I could spend forever wishing and wanting and come up with empty hands. Nothing that worth it is ever easy. The constant buzzing in my head never simmers, and I am left to decipher between thoughts and distractions. I've never doubted you'd be better off without me, until you were without me. The worry is incessant, and I wonder why it holds me... when it never held you. This is the right thing to do.. but the right thing and the hardest thing are often the same. 'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail all the chance that i need is one-in-a-million and they can call me brilliant if i succeed gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound i'm just going to get my feet wet until i drown

okay

I wish I had more to say. My words fall short, my heart stays empty. I will never forgive - because this time, forgiving means forgetting. I won't let myself fall apart again, it's too little too late. I want more than anyone will ever be able to provide, and I won't settle. I'm doing okay - and okay is better than nothing.

I do(n't)

It all happened so fast, and I'm learning now that it only worked to destroy. It feels as though a lifetime has passed, but some days, like this day.. it's as fresh as the one that ended it all. I can sympathize with the misunderstanding that I should be happy, relieved - that this shouldn't phase me. But if you've never had to face this shame, you can't possibly know. If you've never known the pain of losing something you loved with all of your being, of failing at something you put everything into - there is no way to comprehend it. It probably seems foolish - a day in time, devoted to something riddled with the lies of a commitment that never followed through. To me, it is the heart break all over again. It's a love I let burn so high and so hard - without reservations. It's a life I so badly wanted, a life I deserved. So today, this 25th of August, I will revisit the love and the lust and the loss. I will let my whole being shake with the pain that has been left to fade away... the pain that will never fully fade away. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.

dream

I dream that days are short and I am lost. I dream that I wake without having slept, that I am living outside, but inside I am dead. I dream that you can make it all go away, and numb the pain - but morning drags me from the other world, and I am groggy and tired. I wake up, not ever really awake - one foot in front of the other, and I work with what I've got, and remind myself it's not all my fault. It's not all fault. So much to be content with, so much to be proud of - but how do you enjoy a life that comes and goes in waves, and leaves you feeling abandoned and alone? So hard to separate the two, the me and the provider. I wake up, and stay asleep in my head - and do everything to hold off all the weight that I must put on as my feet hit the floor. I deserve it. This is something I caused. This is nothing I can comprehend, and sometimes all those words slip through the cracks. The cracks are getting bigger, and those words are losing their baring. It's time to wake up.

deserve

It's the rise and fall - the inconsistency of my every day. I just want it to level out, and stay the same for a little while... I am asking too much. It changes every day - and for so long I have been programmed to believe this is a fault of mine. That what changes, is my responsibility ... when reality is, I would do anything to stop the constant changing. The only constant is change, though. I wonder when I will find peace with the ever-moving style of this life I lead. The drastic ups and downs leave me drained and heart broken - and the reliance on the people who can't be relied on. I wish it were easier to just pack up and never look back. But I've never been able to let go, and so I will stay here, and let the weight kill me. Until tomorrow, when I find my strength again and keep moving onward.

know the difference.

You can not make someone else happy. Your only business with happiness is to bring it on yourself. You are not responsible for other peoples feelings. How you react to something, or anything, is your responsibility. No one can change you or force you to feel or do or say anything. Your actions, reactions, feelings and motions are yours - and you have to own it. Blame is far too messy, and some is bound to get on you while you're trying to put it on someone else. Take charge of your day, your life. It is no ones hands but your own. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone grieves. You can not believe that you are the only person experiencing pain, and that no one else could ever understand. There are billions of people on this one tiny earth - and there are millions if not billions, grieving with you. It is YOUR job to change something you dont like. You can not sit around expecting someone to change it for you. All you can do with this life is make yourself happy, follow your gut, and own everything you do. It's hard - but you won't be any closer to happiness if you don't. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

fogged

I'm standing in a crowded room, wall to wall with people, and I am screaming at the top of my lungs - but no one looks up or even notices. Melodramatic fool. I can't make sense of this spot that I'm in, but I am bound and broken and cannot find the words I need to break the noose around my neck. Speaking forces the ropes tighter, and fighting it makes me weak. So i submit, and let myself fall. It breaks to pieces, and I am worked too hard and thin to the bone - but it's never enough. Words have lost purpose, for what good am I doing by speaking such thoughts? No one can help me, no one can save me - this is my battle, and I'm fighting against myself. I'm doomed to fail. Days merge into one another and I can't find a way to stop it. I need more time - there is never enough time. A list of tasks, a list of emotions - all laid out on my lap, patiently awaiting me to get it together and start tackling the demons. So why am I so tired? so unable to get up and make it happen. When did this fog pull me under? and more importantly... how do I get out?

baby steps

I always hold back - walking on egg shells, for fear of the next outburst. For what? I have no reservations of what will come after this storm... other than a goal to be in a better place than I am now. A very murky place exists within me and in it, I delude myself. I find justifications in actions, reason where there is none - I let myself believe the lies and the fabrications. I start listening to those words, worse is I start believing them... Only in this murky place. Once away from there, I realize I am happier alone - getting healthy for the first time in a very long time. Never fully healing from the depression that jumped on me when I first took the steps into motherhood. Just relapses of the same pain, the same humiliation. Respect. Understanding. Equality. Trust. Honesty. SIMPLE requests. But they aren't, not to him - it's like I am asking the world. I never would have gone this far, had I been able to forsee what was coming. But you can't change the past, you can only change the future - so that is what I will do.

pits

A grey has taken over, and the day seems bleak. Nothing I am doing feels real, my head is somewhere else. Forced into circumstance, despite my best intention to be blinded to the bad. I hope that one day it will stop feeling like it's my fault. I hope one day I will look back and see this for what it really is - instead of holding on to a guilt for something that was never mine to start with. It can only go up from the bottom.

thrice

I blocked the pain, held strong to my decision. No matter how much it hurts, going backwards will hurt more. I can remember a time when three years felt like a life time, and now it feels like days or even minutes past. How can so much go wrong? When you begin on ground that is already forming into a volcano, it's bound to blow. Yet here I am, still wondering if I could have done more. I pushed myself every single day to the max, out of my every discomfort and anxiety to accommodate someone who wouldn't ever consider doing the same for me. But here I am, still wondering and letting the guilt override. Three years. I wonder how long I could have held it together if it didn't reach that dreadful moment? Wondering gets me nowhere more than here, and only causes me more pain. I think I have severely underestimated my pain threshold,I for if you'd asked me if this was too much I'm sure I would have said yes. Each day is a battle, each moment is a trial. The hardest part is, I'm missing so much for lack of ability to do anything but truck on forward. Can't win for losing.

wolves

I'll spend some time trying to find my way, because I deserve that much. I'll do some work to ensure that I can find happiness within, I have been through enough to realize it's importance. I will follow no one's agenda, but my own. If you can't follow my flow, and you can't swim - you best step aside, because you will only be pulled in by the current. I don't owe anyone, anything. I have done so much, in such a small amount of time, for people who wouldn't do the same for me - I will not feel guilt. I know I have done more than my fair share, have swam against the current and fought through regardless - because I was always determined to please. I'm done pleasing, and I will not fall under the microscope to be evaluated. I have never been first, and this time? I'm leading the pack.

fuckyoutoo

Why can't it be understood that any following of a life that I have kept from you for a reason is wrong. It is not a right to know what I am doing, where I am, who I'm with. It's an EARNED privilege to have access to that kind of information. So who the fuck do you think you are to feel entitled?? You see that woman standing over here? You let her go, you took her for granted, you pushed her down, and you made her cry - so FUCK YOU for thinking you deserve ANYTHING. I am not obligated to share my life with you, especially when it's a life you never took the time to appreciate or cherish when you had a hold on it. So tired. So frustrated. So disappointed. And for what? So much wasted energy on someone who can't even give me the respect I have earned.

self-proclaimed fool.

The worry. It follows me around like a lost puppy, always in my mind and on my heel. I wonder what it takes to live a life without it, what a freedom it must be. I imagine the joy of not having to go through the motions of what a real anguish could burden me with... I imagine feeling like I am walking on air. Float through, keep your head high and wave down at those whom feel a right over you. Wave down at the worriers. Up there, it must be something out of this world. All dreams are possible. So what is to stop me of dreaming of no worry? I'm not asking for much... just the ability to walk through unscathed. I suppose in the realm of go-doers that dream might sound foolish. Self-proclaimed fool, I am. Just look at my track record? One foolish step after the other. I have a hundred when, why, what, who, where's... with no answers but the sound of my voice echoing off the walls on the inside of my skull.

can't make me.

It's a sad state of affairs, when the genuine happiness that life's small pleasures brings you, is plagued with guilt. Guilt for what? For being happy, when you are not. I want to take that, and exemplify it. Poke it, prod it, and determine why exactly it feels like that is the most unhealthy thing I've felt in a long time. How dare I! How am I to be grateful, appreciative, happy... who am I to do any of that? Surely I don't deserve happiness... surely I've made a wrong turn somewhere. Or is that what you want me to believe? When has my happiness, or my comfort and my security ever been a priority? I don't dare let it show - hold back from letting it seep into the sound of my voice. Just another strike, another reminder... that it is not what it seems. I get caught in the words, the language used... and I start to believe it. Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am {ENTER insult here} like I so often let myself believe. Or maybe I'm a good person, whose made some mistakes. And maybe, it's okay that I'm happy and that I'm finally starting to understand that I not only earned it.. but I deserve it. Maybe it's time I realized that I don't need another person to do that for me, that I actually like me quite a bit. I have a lot to bring to the table, and no one needs to be holding that table up for me. I'll make my own fucking table. Maybe it's time you stopped trying to bring me down, and maybe try and join me, up here. The air feels cleaner, smells fresher. I'm not coming back down, you can't make me. Self-worth is a wonderful thing to get acquainted with.