love the life you live

A whirlwind. I look around me and I think "this is love". Spending so much time in the past feeling marginalized, I am finally coming through the fog of how I have stigmatized myself. Single is a word that leaves the taste of blood on my tongue, as if there is no value in doing anything alone. In reality, singlehood has taught me to be a better partner. Spending three years alone, has shown me what I value and what I demand. It has taught me more about communication, trust, and honesty, then any relationship I've had in my life. A community has surrounded us in the last three years and worked with me to raise three incredible small humans. While I take on the brunt of the long nights, the big decisions, and the heartbreak and tears of life events I cannot control; the love that encompasses our little universe is unwavering. That support and commitment let me find my way, leaving room for error when I lost my way So many wrong turns and mistakes made - and as always, I am still learning. This time, though... well, this time I am okay with messing up. I have found peace with my quick defense, my insecurities, my fears. I have found confidence in my self worth - and I know that we earned this. The days have been long, the year short - and I am walking quick-smart into the next. Fearless, boundless, and ready for the next adventure. Don't forget to breathe.

and I told you all about these things, I got a scraped up knee and I can't shake the sting

Today, as we drove, you came up in a story I was telling. It set me back to speak your name, and I paused as I anticipated questioning about where you were and when you'd be back again. Instead, I was met with confusion. When Emma asked me "who is that again?" ... my heart broke a little. How can I be living a life where they can't remember you? How did that happen? Your ghost still lingers here, and perhaps that's the way it will forever be. But this time of year never creeps up without you trailing far behind. I hear you're coming to town, hear you went over the ocean to see new things. I find comfort knowing that you're out living, despite that you told me I'd ruined that for you. I couldn't bring myself to go into great detail who you are, and instead let them forget... what else was I to do? You and I both know, we can never go back... the damage is done, the cards have been laid - it's time we all moved on.

I hear you're smiling again, and after it all - that's enough.

the bags under my eyes

At first, it stung - like you intended. I was angry, I was hurt, I was defeated... if only momentarily. But it's true, the bags under my eyes are ever present, giving the external world some insight into how tiring my life can be. The wrinkles on my forehead grow deeper and deeper each year, carving lines into my face that show my journey like rivers carving through the earth. Like the lines that pass over my body, showing where I stretched to grow life. My body has changed, just as my life has. It shows of the long nights of being the only adult present to wake with a sick child, or to bring comfort after a nightmare. It shows of loss and pain, of the hardships we endure together and those that I must fight on my own so that my children do not feel the sting. It shows of the loves lost, and the battles won, and time spent healing the wounds. The external gaze is consistent and prominent, and that's okay with me. Assumptions and accusations are alright - it means I've given you reason to care. The truth is, though my body has shifted, molded to the life I've worked tirelessly to give to my children, I am no worse for wear. If anything, I have grown and strengthened... gained wisdom from my life course. So what you see on the outside is just a snapshot of the long nights, and the short days spent together, and the memories we will never forget. You're right, the bags under my eyes are visible - but the life we love to live will always be ours, and marks on my face are a small price to pay for that.

"I've got highways for stretchmarks, see where I've grown"

you can still be who said you were

Pick it up, and start again. I mark it as a time for grief and growth, though it will always pain me some. I want to be angry that who you said you were was an illusion, and cry for the loss of a life my son should have had. Then I shake my head, and realize I am giving him the life he should have. I am giving it to all three of them, and I know we are lucky. It's been a long, difficult journey. The sadness is just around the corner, but now... it's the corner behind us. We have to make a conscious effort to turn around, and walk against the current to get to that place. It's only a short walk, but it's taken years to get away from. One foot in front of the other, taking it all in. Look around, how far we've come - isn't that something to be proud of? Pain is an important part of growth, it forces us out of our comfort (despite how detrimental that comfort is) and makes us choose. Look around you! Is this what you want? Are you happy? Are you settling? Shift, roll with the punches... but more importantly - punch back! Set your mind for what you want, and then work your ass off.... every.single.day to get it, and maintain it. Do not accept the love you deserve ... love yourself, and know your worth. Three long years, an uphill battle... but here I am, at the top, after all that climbing - and I'm sure I've earned this. It's scary as hell, that three years later, here I am starting it all over again - everything on the line. This time, though, I know that no matter what happens - the four of us can and will survive on our own. This time, I know my worth.... don't forget to breathe.

many moons have risen and fallen long, long before you came.

The time has come, though it has been a long time coming. I sit in wonderment of the world around me, the people coming through and walking around. We are all moving as one, but nobody seems to notice. We are wrapped up in our individualistic realities, and the snow falling down is only but a moment in which we fail to appreciate. Taking for granted the smallest of pleasures, for we want to have control over what is laid out before us. Instead of looking ahead, or always behind... let yourself be encompassed by the moment. Be present. It's only right now that is guaranteed. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am ready to celebrate. The season is only just beginning, but already I am anticipating the love and the laughter. We are the lucky ones. Don't forget to breathe.

it never gets easier, it just shifts...

I can sympathize with the social normative ideals surrounding reproduction. A nuclear family creates the perception of a supportive and loving unit in which children feel secure. What throw's a wrench in this ideal is when there is no security, when the love is gone and the only support is the support you give yourself. I so badly wanted to believe that I had created that, and put myself through hell and back to maintain that identity. I often get questioned as to why I let it go that far, why that when I knew it was bad, I didn't walk - before it got to "worst". This. What I feel every time my son is gone, is why I stayed. Every time I do something without him, and the girls and I cannot deny the heaviness that weighs us all down... that's why I stuck it out as long as I did. I never wanted to have to be away from any of my kids, not like this. So now we go through the motions, and wait for his return. I know in my heart, that what I did was the right thing - but what I feel in my heart when he is gone, is not something I can describe. Thankful for short hours, until you come home x

so I walk like I'm on a mission, cause thats the way I groove. I've got more and more to do, I've got less and less to prove

my heart is smiling, my soul is fulfilled, I am happy x
oh, the places we'll go.
don't forget to breath.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMGJhPO0fUo

I am thankful...

to have finally really started to accept...

https://postsecretdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/walls.jpg

it's only getting brighter <3 br="">

life is just too short ; boxes

at times I like to walk in circles, it puts my mind at ease.

I like to go through things aware and do just as I please.

I know it could be easier, I could follow like a dog..

but I prefer to find the fresher air then to remain dazed in the fog.

Life is just too short, you see? and we have no time to spare.

I want to live life as it comes, be present, and aware.

I can sympathize with your delusions of regulated time,

but I cannot follow blindly without reason and without rhyme.

I want to see laughter, to hear love and to feel no shame...

but I  refuse to stay in the box and play your stupid games.

Do not try to keep me grounded, and instead please let me fly,

for I have no more time then you and I want to know why...

why your angry, why your mean, and why you hold it against me

that I would rather be a bird and soar, to spread my wings and be free.

You may say "foolish girl, we are all trapped here" and you may be right..

but I will not stand down and give up on the fight.

Life is just too short, you see... and I will carry on this way

it's not to late, there's always time... you can begin right now, today.

let it go, let it lie, and know that love is all around

you just have to stop looking for it, and know that it surrounds.

Unpacking

How does one find a home when their bags are always packed and ready for a quick and swift exit? It doesn't bode well, and I am learning the hard way that it's time. Perhaps it's more then just a routine - more then just a spot within me reserved for the unfortunate moments that have come and gone. But it's time, none the less. It is not a process in which I can graduate from and leave behind - the unpacking and healing is a life long journey. One, might I add, that should be thoroughly examined at every pit stop. This heart and head change, and grow, and falter, and break and mend. It is ever-processing, and I need to stop treating this as if it were something I had achieved long ago. You do not simply 'get over it'... but instead, you build a spot for it within yourself and find a way to cope through it and eventually embrace that part of you. The latter is a challenging task, but it comes in time (or so I am told). Wisdom is something that comes from letting go of everything you think you know - and letting your senses guide you. It is time to open up the suit cases, go through all the boxes, and unpack this heart and this head. Slowly, over time, and with patience and understanding. One foot in front of the other - k.

I'd been bluffing here for years, and now I think it's time I showed my hand..

As prepared as I can be, I will step out once again. I will hold on to my faith and trust my feet to move on command. So simple, so routine. Here I am, small like a child and fearful of nothing you can hold in your hands. I've adopted a way of dealin that maybe isn't so easy to see. I will face the days coming which give me over to the fear that holds me captive. Surely, after all this time, it'll be easier this round? Still I find everything shaken around me, like an earthquake hit and I missed it somehow. Now I'm just running around, picking up the pieces and putting up my best defenses. Do you still want inside this head? So many dark corners, so many boxes better left untouched. If you let me cry, let me break, and hold on to my hand as it sweats and I breath quickly and short - please know you are much stronger then me, but my demons know all to well how easy it is to get me when I am low. So low as I am, as scared as you will find me - I somehow find my way through it each time. Now I am never ready, never actually prepared - but that can't stop me, and it won't. Shame is fluid, and I know better now. I'm keeping my rights, I'm keeping my fears - and one day, when it's time, I'll let it all go. But for now, for today - the fear holds me, and I listen to the words of music that hold me tight and rock me gently to sleep.

all the hard things we both gotta do

I swear there was a time when I could make sense of it all - but lately it swallows me whole and I am left wandering through darkness of the innards... hoping for a ray of light to lead me out. It isn't so simple as saying one thing, because to me that one thing may mean something altogether different come morning. I remember fleeting moments of reassurance, times and places where I was confident in my decisions and behind my choices. I feel broken and I feel lost, and I don't think I can take much more of this self-inflicted pain. Surely, I must still be learning. So when it feels on and it's on with all that I've got, that's when I am closest to changing my mind. confusing, isn't it? I don't imagine that living it could be any less frustrating that being subjected to this level of indecision. So what does that say for security? trust? faith? .... if I can't hold on to a choice for more than a moment, where will that take me in the end? my head is full, my heart is heavy... jump.

It's a little more then you bargained for

When the days are short, and time is slipping by too fast - a good habit to get into is stepping outside of that fast paced life. Doesn't have to be far, or for long - just far enough to see it from the outside, long enough to change your pace. And you may not find anything after all, but you won't know until you try. Sometimes we are searching for something we don't know anything about yet - but their is a drive, a determination, that keeps you moving. I'm looking for resolution, I'm looking for clarity... Maybe I will find it amongst the open air in Georgian bay. Maybe I will come back as lost as when I started, if not more so. But I'm stepping out all the same, and maybe I will find a way to change my pace and see this from another point of view. All be damned if this gets any foggier.

crazy has places to hide in that are deeper then any goodbye

there is nothin' thats as real as a love that's in my mind

A month. A long, dark, hard month. If only faintly, I can see light somewhere off in the distance. The grey holds strong and reminds me that without rain, I'd have no sun. Welcoming the challenge is the goal, whether I can put on a smile during doing so is another question. I could spend eternity stomping my feet, full on-pouting, demanding to know when life will hand me a break. I could, and likely would, if I thought it would get me somewhere. Thing is, it hasn't, and it won't. I know this in my heart of logical thinking... but 6 year old Katie has the upper hand today, and so I resign. It isn't easy, you say. It hasn't been, and maybe it never will be. What's the luxury in ease anyways? Soft skin, that's all. I like my hide, and am proud to wear calluses on my feet. Perhaps in time, when the children have all grown and left me to my own devices - that's when I will make peace with the ease of life. For now, however, I will continue to keep perspective - look forward, and appreciate my surroundings. I can't say that I am ever REALLY sure of much, but I know that I want to be happy more often then I am sad. That's something to be sure of, and maybe, just maybe... this will play out in my favor.

love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you - it will set you free

There was a time that I believed with everything inside me that I would spend forever paying for my mistakes. That somehow I was to blame for every unfortunate circumstance life had dealt me. That part of my life, that longing and blame/guilt ridden time, was a monumental period of self-discovery. Living fully submerged in that mind set let me get to my lowest, allowed me to feel it all and grieve the ones come and gone. It will forever be a process of forgiveness... of reminding myself that although I went the "wrong way" time and time again, it holds no force over what direction I go next. I know in my heart that the past is better left in the past, no matter how sometimes it creeps up on me and derives that longing for what was. I will never deny myself the missing, the desire to make things "right" ... but we know that right will never be enough. So I continue to look forward, to move on to the next circumstance, and live presently in what I have today. Don't be fooled into thinking that I forgot - I am not so easily able to shed those memories. I will carry it with me, and reserve it a safe place within to stay. I hope that life is smiling on you, and allowing you to live and laugh and love openly. I hope with honesty and sincerity that the path taken did to disrupt that path meant for you. If for nothing more then my own sake, I will write the words down and whether they find you or not... know - I miss you, I'm sorry, it was never enough and I will forever be thankful for the part you playing in my life. Take care of yourself.

I have no reason to reason with you

When the universe is determined to keep you down, sometimes you just have to lay low and wait it out. It's no easy task, waiting. But I have learned over time that if you respect the process, your efforts will be rewarded. It may not take the form you are anticipating, but if you can look past your expectations to where the reward is you will find a new meaning. Above all I have tarted to accept that no matter how long I stand her pounding on this wall, it is not going to transform into a door. It's time to put my fists down, and let my actions do the talking. I have no want or desire to confront that war zone anymore, and I am content knowing that despite the hurdles I am doing the best with what I have available to me (meanwhile working to getting those things that are not so readily available). I will not fight and kick and scream, I have earned the right not too. It won't be handed, but if you work for it, I will hand deliver it.

luck

It doesn't take luck. Love doesn't just happen by chance, life doesn't just fall into place, and it surely isn't a matter of just occupying space. It takes work. Hard work. It takes communication and trust, honesty and commitment. I haven't made it very far because I haven't ever had the means. I spent so many years relying on luck, on chance... and it got me nowhere, fast. It took those moments of pure hatred and anger to realize that those sorts of emotions breed from a deep seeded contempt, and it has nothing to do with me. I forgive myself, and I forgive you. I refuse to carry anger for an act in which I can no longer hold a memory to. I have let go, and have flown away from the hate and the destruction of that pain. I have moved from the time where I was sure that as life had it, luck just wasn't on my side. It took falling (too many times) to understand the release that comes from accepting that luck is an illusion. That there is no wishing upon a star (11:11) and that life will always change, it is the only constant. How you flow with those changes, how you adapt to your surroundings, how you treat those within your space - those are what will define your disposition. I don't believe in luck, I don't believe in hate. I trust that what happens will lead me to the next happening, and that all I can do is make the best choices I can with what is available to me. It doesn't take luck to maintain a position in someones heart, it takes all the attributes of a good soul to carry that honor. I do not wish to be so naive as to look for some kind of illusion, I will hold on to what I can sink my teeth into. I will hold faith in the theory that good things happen to those people who are truly deserving and that it happens in ways we cannot predict. There is light, you just first must let go of the hate.

surely I'm still learning...

with every passing day, it get's a little easier. building new memories to replace the pain, and heal the wounds that despite my grandest efforts, are still present. forming new memories, a new love and passion for life, and working on getting back to who I am. I am finally starting to remember what it is not only to love, but to be loved. 

http://postsecretdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/threeyears.jpg

the wine bottle is half empty, the money is all spent...

The dark damp layer settles on me, and out come the demons to play.
Change of season is always a test for me, as it's been so many times
before. If you can last through a year of the changes, you have found
yourself a place here. I have spent hundreds of hours putting work in to
the person I am today - effort and dedication, all of which becomes
apparent when I take a walk down the road to yesteryear. I have to make
mistakes in order to learn, it's all trial and error. But the season is
changing, and the rain is coming down... and it's not in my power to
change any of it. You say it will all be okay, and despite my stubborn
disposition, I know you are right. Let it come down like pouring rain,
let it blow me away like the storm winds - it's nothing I haven't
conquered times before now. If you can make it through my storms, the
rain surely will be welcomed.

never test the limits and don't play with fire...

There was a moment there, albeit brief, that I started to worry. The anxiety and nervousness began creeping in....

and then I looked around at my life and said "fuck that, I can do anything!"

:) thankful.

I am not a good mother.

I am a constant mother.

I am a never-have-a-day-off mother.

I am a 'sometimes too tired to even make dinner' mother.

I am a cry at bedtime because the day had so many challenges and I fell a few times mother.

I am a try my hardest to communicate with children who some days can't hear a word mother.

I am a yelling at the top of my lungs so all three of them are simultaneously quiet for five seconds mother.

I am a wear my heart on my sleeve mother.

I am a no rules about couch jumping mother.

I am a change of plans in a matter of seconds mother.

I am a 'give everything I've got' mother.

I am a selfless mother.

I am not a good mother, I am their only mother. Some days I am bang on, and sometimes I miss target. I try my hardest most days, and some days I surrender to the hurdles and wars. I am doing the best I can with what I've got - and I love them with all of my being. I am not a good mother, but I am a committed, loving, caring one.

Forgive yourself, and go easy... for we are all fighting the same battles <3 br="">

late morning thoughts

It's so easy to forget. So easy to just let it be swept away with the streaming water down the roads as the snow melts as does my pain. The thing is, I have learned that if it is easy then there's something missing. It isn't supposed to be easy, it isn't supposed to be handed. To maintain the kind of comfort and happiness that lasts, takes work and dedication. It takes commitment and trust, and most of all it takes communication and honesty. I realize now that all of my intimate, and most of my personal relationships, didn't contain all of those aspects. There is good reason the people from my past who are still here with me now made it this far, and I cherish those connections - I would go to the ends of the earth for those bonds. I don't have to tell you to love me, because if you are one of those people I know that you do. I don't have to fight to keep you here, you are here now because of all the battles already won. The people who have trickled in through the cracks in the walls I built so high, are the ones who have given me reason to work. I am exhausted and I am overwhelmed, but that is just a part of right now. I am loved and I am lucky - and that is something I will always have, and I am thankful. Bring on the good vibes, and they will always be reciprocated. It get's easier, and then harder again, and then maybe a somewhere in between the hard and the easy... it's always changing. I welcome the change, for it is the only constant.

letting it go.

every year, every holiday - I take on the duty of enforcing card making, gift buying or creating. I assume the responsibility a parent should to help accommodate the child`s role in the other parents life. This year, without realizing, I forgot. If I hadn't by chance been reminded, I likely wouldn't have remembered. This is the obvious result of putting someone last, every time. By working so hard to convince everyone around you that you are doing the work but not actually doing anything at all. This is the result of working my fucking ass off to keep a relationship maintained because I was certain that in the end, it would be civil.... and being wrong in doing so. I make a helluva lot of mistakes, and every damn day I am still learning - but that's the difference, I am learning. I am devoted to never going back to where I've been. I am forgiving myself for not wanting to be alone forever, and accepting that while all this time is spent convincing others how terrible of a person I am... the people who are here, who are involved, don't need convincing of anything. So this year, I forgot - and maybe I won't ever remember again. Maybe, that is what I needed to show myself that while I spent all this time trying to keep it together... I had someone following closely behind ripping it all to pieces. That it is OK to have this terrible past of lies and deceit and abuse and pain - and that it doesn't define or shape who I am now, or what I deserve. And forgetting to take time out of my life to make a card for someone who would never have dreamed of doing the same, is okay. It's all part of the healing process, of letting it go.

gone

go easy on yourself

Something as simple as a poor judgement, can reshape every value you had ever formed. The map of the mind is a tricky place, and we continue the journey every day trying to understand signs written in a foreign language. It's just as soon as we learn the script that the roads change direction and the language along with it. You learn quickly to forgo the bypasses, for you will only find yourself back at the beginning if you try and skip parts of the road. And nobody said it would be easy, did they? The idea that we are all responsible for our own is a daunting image in the minds eye, and yet we are so quick to be defensive when that position is challenged. Wouldn't it be nice, to have it all handed down? Would you take the opportunity? Would you still be the person you have developed into up until now? The thing is, all parts of our journey (whether it be the scars and bruises or the successes and rewards) work in partnership. Every fork in the road helps form your perception of what's happening around you, and although it is difficult not to look back on those forks and question if what you chose was right - you learn deep in your heart that it took that turn to get you to where you are going next. The roads are just a figment of our imagination, and the really path is where ever we put our feet down and choose to take the next step. This can be tricky when you find yourself going around repeatedly in circles... but you will learn to stop, reevaluate, and change direction. The temptation of regret can be strong, but I have learned from the circles and the retracing steps that it led me to where I am now... and the lesson can be so great if you open your heart to it. So I will stop, and look around - and appreciate the beauty of the day, the love in my heart and the smiles on the faces that mean the world to me. I will remember that though many many MANY mistakes have been made, I'm still learning, will always be learning - and there's still many journeys to be had.

Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change

So simple, isn't it? To have me react, when you know my soft spots and
weaknesses. Vulnerability is not something I ever got on well with. My whole heart ache's, knowing that once again ignorance rules the actions that could so quickly rip apart my world. It's a sharp knife, and it cut deep this time. Despite my best efforts to let it roll off my shoulders, I felt as if I'd been sucker punched. So when you tell me that I have put myself above the well-being of my children, I will fight back. For I know what is true, what is right and just. As if I had to doubt it, my army stood at my side - not willing to back down... knowing this time, I was not going to falter. I meant it when I told you if you try and hold me down, I'll only get up quicker. I put everything I have into these three humans, and I will never back down from that duty. My love, my world, my life - you cannot bring me down, for long. Momentarily, I let my guard down. Momentarily, I let the hurt trickle down deep. Momentarily, I wondered if I could forgive it this time. Lesson's learned from mistakes made - holding my head up.

I've been waiting on my own, too long.

Timid. Perhaps that's a good sign. I see the road ahead, and for the
first time I think I know what to do with it. For the first time, I
think I'm ready to go and lead the way. On my agenda, on my own accord -
and eventually, as I go... it will be shared. After walking for so long
with three little hands to hold, and no one to hold mine - I am ready
to accept that being alone forever isn't in the cards. So I let my head
rush, and my heart pound, and my eyes weep. I honor my fears and my
insecurities, and I share them openly and honestly. For the first time,
I've got nothing to hide and nothing to prove. I have no reservations,
no agenda to follow, no rule that will outweigh the choices I make. I am
damn proud of who I am and where I've come and what it's taken to get
here - and letting someone share that has been earned. The journey is
half the fun - I won't let this smile fade.

dot dot dot

wine glass is empty. head is spinning. anger rising. those buttons, those goddamn fucking buttons. when will I learn that all your after is the reaction. I swear, I must be learning. Please tell me I'm learning. keep onward, shift your feet and remind yourself that words can only bring you down if you let them. I'm so happy to have found who I am without, will not let anything ruin that. stop reading, stop reacting... moving forward.

tell me, did you ever get this far?

Hard has never been the problem. I won't shy away from a challenge, and I will fight as hard as I bloody well can for something I believe in. For what I think is real, for what I think is right. Though there have been many days where this was "too much" and I "couldn't do it anymore" .... here I am, still doing it. So tell me I can't, and I'll make a fool out of you. I am fighting the good fight, and the reward is so sweet. I am happy, I am healthy, I am loved. This is how it's supposed to be.

Delete.

The last piece of what was - something I had been holding on to, despite all my efforts to let go of everything else. I want to thank you, for giving me no choice but to just let go of the edge I'd been hanging off of...so committed to holding on by just a finger. Enough to have a glimpse in to something I wasn't a part of. And as I free fall into something new I can't help but look up and hope that whatever path you take, it leads you to somewhere better. As I look up, I see that I held on to long and every other part of me was already waiting at the bottom. I don't know, and I don't want too - because maybe I was wrong, and it was always me after all who couldn't forget. "When I'm falling I'm in peace, it's only when I it the ground it causes all the grief"

sleeping at night

I used to look for approval. I used to believe I needed some validation. I used to hope for acceptance. I used to beg for forgiveness. It took time to learn that I didn't need approval, from anyone but my own heart. It took so many endless nights of fighting to realize validation didn't change the end result. It took losing people I loved to understand that being accepted would happen naturally from the ones who are good people. It took bloody knees and a destroyed self-worth to stop begging for forgiveness, and to accept my demons. I have laid it to rest, I have found my own and am finally able to let it go. For better or worse, I am in deep and passionate love with the person I have grown into being. So I don't sleep restlessly anymore, because hate and spite and resentment can't hold me any longer. I know my worth, and I won't ever forget what it took to find it. "Love; it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free"

the distance

There was a time that I didn't believe I could live without you, and in that time I believed only you would sustain me. Two long years gone from that mind raping, and I know that the people I needed were there all along. The people who I pushed away and hid from, because of some greater power unknown to me. A weakness in me I had never seen, an inability to maintain my wants and desires due to the wants and desires of another. Still, all this time later, I am evaluating. It was described to me as "crazy love" ... there was no resistance, no caution - and definitely no paying attention to the many warning signs. I didn't want to see the negative, didn't want to know if things would go wrong. I set my eyes on the prize, and pushed through the rest. And no one sympathized when I crashed. What they did do, was help me back up... helped me pick up the pieces, mend the broken bones and nurse the wounds. They stood by me and rebuilt my heart, rebuilt my trust and security - what they did was invaluable. Here I stand before you, ready and open to start loving myself for the person I have become. I am only here because of them, and for that I am forever indebted. I made room for those who loved without fault, supported me through my absolute worst, forgave me for walking away, and cherished me for finding my way back. I am ready now to believe that it won't always end in hurt, and it won't even necessarily always have to end.... I am ready to let light back in, and believe that I don't have to be punished anymore for my mistakes. It means I have finally made it, and I've never felt more free.

It's a skill I hoped I'd abandon, when I got on the open road

Don't you see? The door was shut, with tears and sorrow. It was locked with pain and anger. It was sealed with hurt and frustration. It was abandoned out of necessity. I was locked into being someone I didn't even know - and I have finally let myself take off the shackles and accept something better. A happiness I forgot about, maybe one I have never even known. I don't want to look back in anger, I don't want to hold a grudge, I don't want a fight. I just wanted to let go. I want to accept the scars that have taken up permanent residence within me, and carry on. What more can I do? Ive made my bed, and I've slept for so long on the cement slab - it's time to get up. It's time to just accept that there is more to life than this... it's time. Be careful, be cautious, but know that I can't stay in this room, accepting punishment any longer. I've met with the demons, they are letting me go now. So I'm going. One foot in front of the other.

Catchup

"say what you feel"

Within the routines of everyday life, lies opportunity to change. I watch these three humans with such intensity that I am sometimes missing the point. Such sensitivity can create a frustration in me that I didn't know possible, didn't know I was capable of - but I am learning. Always on the move, pacing towards the next something... and I woke up today and decided to honor the idea of living in the moment. It's so easy to say, so much harder to do - but I know it can only help us grow as a unit. Take the moment as it comes, and make the best of it. Take time, think critically and react less. If you let them guide you, the world is magical. It has been so long since I felt like I was capable of making these changes in our life. I can get so caught up in the mess of my shattered heart, that I forget their hearts have been shattered too - and in the end, what they count on is me. This three incredible humans look to me for the stability they can't find elsewhere. They look to me for an understanding of what is right and wrong, they look to me for the comfort and security that allows them to be themselves. Their reaction to situations I have created or put stress on is not to be punished, it is to be respected. "Feelings are something that just happen each day, and whatever we're feeling inside is okay!"

Only know you've been high when you're feelin low..

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
We could go on this way forever, I'm sure of it. That just won't do, and I can't keep up pace anyhow. I could say I'm sorry, but what use is that anymore? Smoke and mirrors... and I'm not very good at lying anyways. Let her go.

This time I'm comin' down