it never gets easier, it just shifts...

I can sympathize with the social normative ideals surrounding reproduction. A nuclear family creates the perception of a supportive and loving unit in which children feel secure. What throw's a wrench in this ideal is when there is no security, when the love is gone and the only support is the support you give yourself. I so badly wanted to believe that I had created that, and put myself through hell and back to maintain that identity. I often get questioned as to why I let it go that far, why that when I knew it was bad, I didn't walk - before it got to "worst". This. What I feel every time my son is gone, is why I stayed. Every time I do something without him, and the girls and I cannot deny the heaviness that weighs us all down... that's why I stuck it out as long as I did. I never wanted to have to be away from any of my kids, not like this. So now we go through the motions, and wait for his return. I know in my heart, that what I did was the right thing - but what I feel in my heart when he is gone, is not something I can describe. Thankful for short hours, until you come home x