got an empty head that weighs 50 Lbs

"and I'm beginning to see some problems with the ongoing work of my mind" Words are a tool, and every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. I fight fire with fire, and I have a lot of anger. I thought I had a better handle on the problems I face regularly... but I'm starting to realize I actually have very little control. I'm a lose cannon, and my emotions rule my every movement. An escape is what I'm after, a moment of peace. Why is that so much to ask? I feel like I keep trekking through the wild and I just keep coming up in places I've already been, running around in circles with a lack of direction. I am so good with words, I can talk myself into or out of pretty much anything. and it's starting to take more than it gives, and im starting to wonder when the payoff comes - when do I find a reward for all of my sweat, blood, love and dedication? why isn't what I have a payoff? I keep asking questions like this white screen will have answers, like I will find my way through my writing - and at the end, I'm always at the same spot.... typing away into a screen with no reprise.

heal.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7jpxEziKfnQIi4Cbbuh_nyhzYP8hc4QmMQ999K6Ity74nDXHyNBVvvtdduG_tLsdPYz1amancD9KiO86iOsChswu3E3odTMI4NzJ5fXibrfKWwJ9HS9AlC7WnaivyUQaEFCYguaf9xfs/s1600/heal.jpg

they were right with the order of things, parenting alone is for the dogs.

so with everything aside, I'm literally falling apart. the pressure is too much, the expectations too high - and what is my most comfortable reaction? self destruction. I've never felt so lost in my entire life, so utterly and completely baffled by my every surrounding. sleep away the pain. and so I do, and get further lost in the abyss. I can only hope I come back, or if not - that they will be okay without me. I guess it's time for someone else to pick up the slack now that I'm finally failing.

not all those who wander....

the separation of head and heart. it's been a battle my whole life, i realize now. Ive never let the two coincide... never have I had the ability to let down my walls enough for them to meet. constantly waging wars on myself - and somehow, after everything... I am still worried what other people will think of what I do. Why have I ever been under a microscope? have I really made so many bad decisions that nobody trusts me to make the right one anymore? when did I give up the right to make that call? What does it say about me, when I am constantly worried about being abandoned? I am so worried, all of the time - what will be said, what will be judged ... I don't even give myself time to figure out what I want, or what's best for all of us. I let others opinions guide my choices. when did I get so lost....

Such a heart that will leave you to deceiving

proof is such a tricky thing. The evidence you need is sometimes unattainable, and often times it doesn't even exist - words are slippery and the past is but a memory. All we have is now. And tomorrow and the rest. And I often find myself in a state of "what's the point?" Why....What is in it for me? My whole world is devoted to doing and giving to other people.... why put more weight on my shoulders? Because that's who I am. Giving up is not something I do, and hurting people is not something I swallow easily. I always want to give. I want to make life a better place for people I care about.... but I'm left wondering... who cares if its better for me?

stop pretending, i'm so tired.

and there it is. that's what I was waiting for.. and why am i surprised? It was empty for me, it was nothing - I let my heart be cold, and didn't see the consequence. It won't be nothing for her. The fall will be quick, just like it was... it shouldn't hurt like this. It shouldn't matter... it shouldn't phase me. So why am I fetal positioned, sobbing? why am I unable to breath because the attacks come so strong, one after another. I hope you break her heart, too.

i tell myself.

you're in the dark, swinging. no matter how passionate, or how much anger you put behind the throw you always come up short. the result is never what you wanted, and you'll never make the mark. you take another swing, and you fall on your face. you wonder what it will take to make you quit. what are you after anyways? I ask myself. You'll never get what you are after. The end result will never be what you're hoping for. so how long until you turn on the lights, stop blindly taking shots and own up. yesterday is going nowhere, and tomorrow is slipping away too fast. wake up!!!! WAKE UP!!! you are only making it worse for yourself. stop fighting the nothing that's left, close the chapter, make peace with your anger and move on. you're heart can't take much more of this.

not that

not that it matters... but today was hard. not that it makes a difference... but this hurts so much. not that it changes anything... but I'm so tired. not that you will notice... but I've changed everything I am. not that I can stop it... but life is passing to quickly, and you're missing it. not that it means the world... but I will never stop fighting. one day at a time, and today it isn't enough.

me myself I got nothing to prove.

She's a fighter, they say. She'll be fine, she always gets through. And I do - but at what cost? What is left of me after all of this? Is living enough? What happened to quality of life? a mistake is a mistake is a mistake. So why am I just going through the motions? When does this become real... when do I wake up? Oh that's right - rhetorical questions don't have answers, and I am left to the demons. But of course, I can't say this is too much. I can't hide in my bed and cry out the pain... I get up, I force myself through each day - I look back wondering how we got so far in the days without even realizing I had slept and woke again. Wishing for something more, hoping for a better way : and I come up short, again. These words are empty, my head is full - and they say I'm a fighter. So I guess I will be fine, and I'll get through. I just wish I knew at what cost.

Mugey.

It doesn't take a lot to fall in love with a being like Mugen. So against the idea of a pet, let alone a cat, I stood my ground on disliking him. But the days passed, and then weeks, and slowly I felt myself bonding with this strange, sketchy animal. I remember the first time he crawled into my lap, timidly - as if to say... I'm here, whether you like it or not. What can I say? he grew on me. No matter what my annoyance was with what he had done (puking, shitting, scratching, dead mice) I was always able to put that aside and love him still. The nights where I would fall apart after a long day - he would come near, stay close, and keep me company. He made sure I was never really alone. It's strange, what kind of relationship you can have with a creature so unlike yourself. When he started to get sick, I wanted to pretend I didn't notice. I'd see his ribs, I'd try and ignore it. When he stopped eating, I convinced myself he was just particular about the food he liked... he can't really be sick, I don't have the energy to admit it. The days grew into weeks, and he started to get sicker. As I watched him struggle to breath, to walk, to eat ... I started to realize this was the end. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for making the choice to put him down - I don't like the job of playing ruler over life and death. I just feel like he is in pain, I see it in his eyes - his very being, he is not the same. I wish there was an easier way to understand, wish I hadn't grown so fond of him. This would be easier, then. Despite the odds, Mugen became my friend - and as I sit here choking back tears, wishing tomorrow wouldn't come... I hope he knows how much he has impacted my life. Funny, the weight a life can have on your own.

who do you think you are, running round leaving scars?

heart in my throat. it sits, cause I didn't do the work I said I had done... and now I will pay for my hastiness. you can't skip steps in this process, and for that impatience it will hit me 10x as hard. I say what I know will meet the mark - but the rest resides, here... burning holes. It won't come, my pride gets in the way. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed. I don't expect this to make the sense it does to me, but if you took a walk in my shoes you'd never move the same again. the flames die down, and I'd rather watch the fire burn with someone else... so I know that you can't hurt me anymore. find another broken soul who can take that weight. and I will never fill the void. I can only accept what is, and embrace what comes. this is not the life I chose.

broken glass

Ive lost what little understanding I had left - wandering amongst the rubble, trying to pick up pieces I had convinced myself were back in place. How can I be so naive? Still.. after so much, I am still here. Time, they say. I judge myself so critically, no faith in my heart and my head. Going in a direction I have told myself I need to go. I don't have any answers, no explanations for the actions I've taken and the pain I have endured. Maybe somewhere deep, I deserve the pain... for the broken hearts and the mislead. Maybe this is the way that I get my karma... this broken heart never mending. Days that are long past still following me everywhere I go. The words slip into my conscience like a ghost in the night, and I am embodied by the mourning. There is no starting anew when the last love is still holding strong and encompassing you entirely. So forgive me for my ignorance, stand by as I conquer the next wave of demons, and maybe I will come out stronger. Or maybe, it will pull me under and leave me breathless and defeated.

disappointed.

It came rushing through me like I was 7 years old again. The crack in her voice, the sadness in her eyes - and i remembered the times I asked, and didn't receive. Circumstance is not always on our side, but it doesn't change the broken heart of a child. Just another strike against the confidence she seeks so hard to find, struggles so much to carry - to young to understand why, to smart to let it weigh her down. but subconsciously it is already at work, and one day she will be me.. and hopefully she will pair herself with a man who won't ever give the excuses she fights so hard to understand. I can only want more for her, and teach her what she must do to achieve the goals she sets in place. I can only sit here, cradling her in my lap, telling her "maybe next time" and holding back the tears that come rushing through me like I was 7 years old again.

begin again

It's a pit in the bottom of my stomach, some sick need to hold on. Still feeling desperate, still wanting to "fix" it. There is no fixing, there is nothing. So i go through the motions of being alright - telling myself I'm doing okay. So why is it that the pain holds on like super glue? Why is it that in a moments time I feel it all over again, and the idea of this being "real" makes me sick to my stomach? I wonder how it is that it can be so similar, but happen to be worlds apart. I wonder how I'll ever get over this...

give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light

desperation. it's such an ugly thing, laced with so much shame. and I wear it always, no matter how hard I fight to stand tall. It's so easy to hide behind this wall of stubborn hard-headed anger. So much easier to just leave it on the curb with all the rest. No one is coming to pick it up, though - so I am reminded every time I come out from behind the wall... it's still sitting there, and it will never go. Not until I find a way to sort it out, and find peace with my misdirections. A lifetime of mistakes and regrets that have piled up - and no energy [desire] to make a dent. some days, I can see the way - and I start to follow through... but it never lasts, and I'm never found. I am always waiting, on something to come next - waiting and wishing, will get me nowhere. I fight hopelessly to make sense of the mess in my head, but not even my heart or my gut knows whats best anymore. what an awful mess i've become.

why me? why this now? why this way?

Its supposed to be therapeutic to write it out. So I type the words on the screen and find some comfort in the familiarity. I guess it is never going to be as easy as it seems. The waves.. the ever present waves. I wander out to the mid waist, and wait for the current to pull me under. I don't know if I would fight for breath... I don't know that I could. My wondering will be the end of me - my curiosity. My inability to start a new chapter.. always revisiting the last one in order to try and gain a clearer understanding of -what-went-wrong- I will never understand why you couldn't love me like I loved you. I will never know what happened to my sense. I will not find an answer to how I ever let the outcome of my sanity lay rest in your care. I will spend the rest of my life building back the castle you tore down. I won't ever know how that can be compared to the position of my cunt. Move on, let it rest, let it be - I tell myself. But then I look down at this beautiful life that encompasses my whole being and I see you. It's a constant reminder of what could have been. They tell me "he looks like him" and I say... he looks like himself. Because if you think I don't know, you're a fool. The biology of the lives I have single-handedly brought this far, always thrown at me like its a fault. Like somehow, it changes the purity of who they are. Like my demons speak for their destiny. It's a story as common as a penny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQyF-bazxQU

building from the ground up

One foot in front of the other, like a child learning the ways. I am starting all over, from the ground up. I lay awake and wonder, I close my eyes and do the same. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns... and all these ideas are not new. I have thought them all before. This feels different, this feels solid. I can do it, I am capable. It's not ideal, but when is it ever? Have I ever had a taste of ideal? Nothing but fabrications, nothing but galleys to lead me here. But here I stand, here I start again. Turns out, they were right - I am one in a million, and it will burn like fire till the days end that I am okay. I won't burn, like it was planned. I am standing... next I will walk, steps will come. So go ahead and doubt how far I'll get, go ahead and will me down. I will not stop. I may falter, in fact I likely will falter... but no one will ever stop me from getting up again. Better alone, with my trio at foot. We won't slow down.

patheticwhorecuntslutbitchuselessmoron

I wear no shame, despite the path you have so carefully paved for me. I wear no fear, despite my insecurities. It has taken so much time to be the person I wanted to be, and life has thrown in so many obstacles. What would it be without those barriers, though? I never would have gotten the determination i have to succeed if it was all handed to me, like you were. It's taken me a long time to understand that I don't need you... that I don't need a warm body. Or who needs enemies, when I have friends like you? I just tack it on to the long list of fuck-me-overs. And you won't ever see it like that... it will always be the pain done to you. It will always be the victim played.. and karma is a bitch. I won't ever regret a decision I've made, because it all leads me to the future - and I'd never go back, not for anything. Turn your head and deny the cards played - it does not phase me. I am forward bound, and I won't slow down. I am proud of who I am and how far I've come, and no words will change that.

I'm wiped and I'm wired, but I guess it's just as well

Silence. Is this what I was after? The days have gone by so fast and I wonder if I'll ever feel sober again. Every morning I open my eyes, my head throbs and my throat is sore - like a bad hangover. My body alone has shown me something is not right... my heart and head know, as well. I try to put it down in words, but it all comes out jumbled and confused. I could spend forever wishing and wanting and come up with empty hands. Nothing that worth it is ever easy. The constant buzzing in my head never simmers, and I am left to decipher between thoughts and distractions. I've never doubted you'd be better off without me, until you were without me. The worry is incessant, and I wonder why it holds me... when it never held you. This is the right thing to do.. but the right thing and the hardest thing are often the same. 'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail all the chance that i need is one-in-a-million and they can call me brilliant if i succeed gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound i'm just going to get my feet wet until i drown

okay

I wish I had more to say. My words fall short, my heart stays empty. I will never forgive - because this time, forgiving means forgetting. I won't let myself fall apart again, it's too little too late. I want more than anyone will ever be able to provide, and I won't settle. I'm doing okay - and okay is better than nothing.