but he don't recognize me anymore

A song to go with every mood, every epic moment in time. A phrase or lyric that will fit perfectly like a puzzle piece into my head for whats happening in front of me, within me, around me. Sometimes it's out of my hands and the best I can do is to let it go, and watch it fade. God knows I fucking tried, and I paid for my efforts. I dreamt of something unattainable, and I held on so tightly - maybe too tight. Life comes in waves and bad things happen, and all I can do now is learn. Who knew there would be so much to learn, so much to know, so many wrong decisions waiting to be made. If it brought me here, and it lead me to right - was it really that wrong? It's so hard to move forward holding on to all the baggage from my past... letting it go sounds so easy. I keep these boxes stock piled in the back, packed full of yesterdays. I seem to have missed summer all together, so missing spring cleaning seems to fit well. My head hasn't caught up to my heart, surprisingly; it's so often the other way around. I stopped blaming the accomplices, stopped holding anger and resentment - it's just empty now. It all happens for a reason.. not for some divine intervention, or because of fate... but merely to bring us to the next happening in time. It is just a sequence of events and you can do what you want with it, but it will be yours and when it comes to an end no one can own the roads you took and what aided your decisions but you. Own it.

and your past, it ain't lost on me.

Tiny steps. I'm cautious, and I'm nervous. It's been a long time coming, accepting that I deserve more than what I've accepted for so long. I wonder if I'll ever know how or why, or if like the rest, it will wash away with time as I move forward. I let go of what I've held on to for so long, and proceed with the walk on this tipsy balance beam of life. I keep falling, and no matter how hard I try my balance is off. Commendable that I keep getting back up, and trying again. I can't stay down, even though for so long I tried to. I wanted to keep you company, I wanted to make sure you were okay. In the process, I stopped making sure I was. Never sure completely, about anything. Constantly in a state of wonder, of deciding. I have to let go of something I never had to begin with, and start in a different direction. I expect these thoughts are just words on a screen and it will never fully resonate. I hope that it will merge into something I can handle, that it will ease into the routine of what is. I can't ask anymore.. what is there left to ask? ... and I know that what will be, will be...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cITPH-51QZw

The Orange Rhino Challenge

Today is the day I stand here and admit that I am ashamed of myself. Now, I haven't come to this realization for sympathy or a courteous "you're doing a great job"... because the fact of the matter is, I'm not. I am a yeller, I do it often and without thinking. I yell so much, that before I have even made a move after an accident or wrong-doing, my kids are anticipating my fury. I am less engaged, and less interested in everything that involves them because of it. I have seen the fear in my child's eyes, and I have seen the damage it has caused in our relationships. I am short-tempered, irritable and frustrated - and although that is part of motherhood.. kids are just kids. While they make a lot of mistakes... they are human, and humans make a lot of mistakes. It comes down to: I don't like being yelled at, so why do I ever think it's okay to do it to them? So today, I start my challenge. I am putting my phone down more often, and leaving the computer turned off. I am focusing my energy on our lives, as they are the only ones I can make any changes with. I am publicly declaring here and now, that I do not accept this part of me. It isn't who I am, and it has got to go. The four of us are a team, and in order to beat the odds we have to work as a team. We can't do this when one of us is always on the verge of a meltdown. I ask that as my friends and family, you help support me through this. When I am about to lose my temper and let our a yell, acknowledge it. Help me be aware of the rage that overcomes me, and help guide me through this change. I love my kids more than life itself, and the last thing I want from them is fear. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be, and the last thing I want to be is a yeller.

no better time then the present

I search for an answer, some clear cut decision. I've not yet trained my heart to know that it is never clear-cut. So I subconsciously wander around... hoping for something to point me in the "right" direction. I ponder, and wonder, and hope for something that will guide me out of the darkness that I seem to be wading through. I can't help but question how after all this time, after all the different paths I've taken, I have not learned the art of patience. All I've got is time, and every day is a new chance to do something with it. Shift out of reverse, and get on with it... there's nothing stopping me, but me.

Now I'm feelin different.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm2n-zm7zQg

This wall

Do you see this wall? It didn't come up overnight. It was built grudgingly after too many anxiety attacks caused for no reason other than to prove a point. It was inspired by the broken heart left in the puddle over and over. It has my blood and sweat and tears worked into every brick, layer after layer. Do you see this wall? It didn't come up in a day. It took me years of pain and anger and hurt and frustration, it took courage. This wall wasn't put in place to keep people out, it was built to protect the four of us. It was built to make sure the war stayed on the other side, and we could recoup over here. It was never meant to cause anger, never meant to cause harm. This wall, though tall and strong, was put in place to be breached. I built a door, somewhere along the wall. Be warned that the door is locked, but that genuine kindness alongside trust and honesty is the key. This wall did not come up in a week, for it has taken me years to build, I took breaks along the way. Breaks where I let others join me on this side, only to be burned. Be warned this wall is strong and tall, but it wasn't meant to stand in place forever.

and I'm gonna leave this town

A lot can be said for a blast of hatred. It puts confused emotions into perspective, and reminds you that you are standing on your own two feet... no help. I don't know if it's a good thing that I am always forgiving.. but at least when I get burned after trying to make peace, I am self-aware enough to walk away. Sometimes, there's really nothing left but the end. Sometimes, you really just have to let it lie. Famous last words, that I keep having to remind myself of. Keep going, one foot infront of the other... don't let it bring you down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En6iNoyqI_E

Shit, or get off the pot.

A never ending cycle of going back to times before now, and finding no answers. What I'm trying to find isn't clear, but what I do find is always the same. The same disappointments, the same heart aches, the same questions that will go unanswered. Finding myself in the same vulnerable position, wishing I had more willpower than this. If I could go back and change it all, I might... just for some new scenery... a change in pace. The demon's are sticking around, and I look forward to having the mental capacity to start tackling them one on one. I'm in no rush to watch my life pass me by, so I will take it one day at a time... and be grateful for what I've got now... work with what I have available to me. Good things come to those who wait.

Carpe Diem

No one signs up for this.

I open my eyes, smile at the sight of a fully-energized, ready-for-the-next-adventure-toddler. I give a squeeze, stretch my legs.. and within moments I am being questioned. It never fails, if I wake up smiling this boy is going to break my heart. Asking to see someone he never sees, and my answers are never good enough. But why? he asks... how come? tomorrow? and tomorrow is always an illusive promise... "yah buddy, maybe tomorrow". How long until that won't be good enough? How long until he stops asking... the girls stopped asking a few months ago, the expectation is lost. I spent so much time feeling guilty, like somehow I should prevent it from happening... somehow I should do better at making these relationships happen. It's taken me to long to realize that I am not God, and I do not micro-manage others ability to relate to their children. I let it go, and leave it in the hands of those responsible. I smile, and distract the interest to something more tangible... a puzzle, a favorite book, some more snuggles before we start the day. I didn't sign up to do this alone, but I'd rather do it alone than pretend anyone was as devoted to these three kids as I am, having that expectation constantly fall short of reality.

I didn't sign up for this, but I'm not going to let that stop me from working with what I've got.

wash away

when it rains, it pours. I always find such calmness when the water pours from the sky, washing away yesterday. mistakes are part of the game of life, and all we can do is learn and grow from them. I remember nights just like this, when life was something completely different. the curse of loving and letting go, is never being able to forget.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbjE7NFmUI

changing the locks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip27VUOUqbc

lone

Today : I've set a direction. It is a direction in which no one would choose willingly - no one really ever should have to. That is besides the point, as I've not the access to another one. This is the only way I can go - because every other brings me back to a state of dependence. I've never been happy, depending on anyone. I am on a path to find myself, to smile for real, and laugh hard and without hesitation. I am willing to navigate my way through the mess, to get to that place. I am alone in this, because you must be alone to find yourself. Otherwise, you will keep finding versions of yourself molded by those surrounding you.

Tomorrow : I will cry, and hate this decision. I will resent everyone and thing around me - and wish I had some help, and some clarity.

The day after that : I will pick myself back up, dust off, and keep going.

I am not stopping. I am not giving in. I deserve to be happy, I have earned that much. Misery loves company, and I am happier being alone.

ugly

curled up tightly in a ball, after a quick glimpse in the mirror. this must be explained, but for me and not for you. I look sad, I look tired, I look worn - but most of all, it makes me feel like an ugly person. Physically, this has no weight. Mentally? I don't like me on the inside. I critically analyze my movement's, actions and reactions - and it pulls me under. Under the sheets of my unmade bed that, part time, acts as my solitary confinement.  I am holding strong to the notion that today is an off day. Anxiety is a crippling and exhausting demon to live with - and though I have more on days than off, the off still break my knees from the pressure placed on my shoulders. The little voices saying "you should be doing x,y,z" or "what if a,b,c happens because you didn't do x,y,z right now?" or worse off... "you didn't do x,y,z good enough, you fail". So this ball is my way of holding it all in before it spills out on the floor. I pat myself on the back, for another day of social awkwardness and discomfort. For getting out of bed, and sending the girls off to school and holding Liam extra tight before I dropped him off at Christine's. I remind myself that the dishes will wait, and that I won't fail university because I am choosing not to pour over that reading immediately, and if I can't do everything perfectly today ... there is always tomorrow. Long enough to stretch out, cry a little, and write this down. To get it off my mind, to put it somewhere that I can visually collect these thoughts and say... sometimes it isn't so okay... some days will hurt more than others. and some days, I feel like an ugly person.

this time of year

Eyes closed shut, lips pursed tightly together, breath held in like the most valuable thing on earth. I am swept back to bad decisions, nights cold and lonely - surrounded by people I used to know. This time of year, despite the weather or temperature, always drags me back. A rebirth of all the decisions I've made, like watching old video clips of a time so long ago. I wander through the memories, giving them each my acknowledgment. Walking down the long, dusty corridor to where the demon's wait. They've been expecting me. It won't be long now, till the warmth of the sun and the smell of the air has me closing the doors and opening up the windows. Reminding myself I knew better, and got here somehow, and some day's will just be harder. Summer is on it's way, willing to ease my broken mind some... and carry me back home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZI5xUDElgk

logic vs. emotion

It's only a matter of time before the world ends, and we start back up from nothing. Sometimes you need that sort of redo. I look to the part of me that makes it all happen, when my emotions are overriding and letting all the hard work slip away. You've come to far for this, Katie. Don't let go now, don't give in. When you've been dealt everything that doesn't work, that won't satisfy your needs - you create new expectations, new guide lines. For the love of all that is good and just, I will not let go again. There is more to this than what meet's the eye, there is more to what is written on the page. Starting from nothing, got nothing to lose.

warm nights, awaiting

spring clearing

Like the snow melting into puddles at my feet, I feel the sadness slowly doing the same. Thawing. And I drive into the sun, hoping to catch it for only a few moments longer. It's been so long since we danced. Everything changes when the world turns from one season to the next.. and we wait, as we always seem to, for something more. Restlessness stirs, and I feel my feet moving beneath me - subconsciously deciding where to run to now. I yearn for the day when I no longer feel like running, the day when everything is just as right as it can be. The sun always reassures me that one day, it will come. I'm coming out of hibernation, I'm coming headstrong to tackle the demons who spent the winter nesting here. Time to clear out cobwebs and dust out the attic... time to make space for me, again.

you were my sweetest downfall

Visiting old songs, like pages written in my book : worn, and well loved. Wrapped in a blanket, wrapped in my memories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8

potential

I can remember the joy like it only happened a few moments ago. Remembering is exhausting. I'd like to just forget - start over. Amnesia is sickeningly appealing - if only I could keep the lessons learned but forget the pain it caused me. I wonder a lot about the impacts of letting this weigh on me for so long will have... like I have any choice in the matter. "Get over it" sounds so nice - but it's just not that easy. It's an every day uphill battle. Knowing the past is the past for a reason, believing that happier days will come, understanding that you deserve more. Seems simple enough, right? But when your heart is broken and your soul is weak and you feel defeated at every turn - these simple affirmations seem unattainable. The small tokens of every day common living plague. you like a long dessert road with no end in sight. A year is a long time, but it's gone by so fast. I'm closing the door, but it is never locked. Just knock -  I will answer with a smile, and invite you in for a cuppa tea.

so many people to love in my life, so why do I worry about one?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVXFP89EeqU

Some times it doesn't matter what you say, or how you feel - it can't be changed. Accepting that this is out of my hands is hard to bare, but it's all I can do to prevent the self destruction. I wish for better, I hope for happier days... optimism was never a strong suit for me. I pack my bags and I put out the last of the embers still rumbling, aching to catch fire. I was never good at loving myself, but it's about time I learned how.