I can't make you love me if you don't

thoughts buzz around, bashing into the interior of my skull - begging to be freed. what's the worth of a thought, an emotion so pure it stains my lips red as it leaves my mouth..? what a sad state to find yourself in, where speaking has lost its ability to free you of the weight you carry. and so my lips are sealed and my heart is smashed and scattered about. my back is broken from all the years of picking up the pieces, and my cheeks have carved paths from where the tears have fallen in a steady stream. The privilege of a companion is so sweet, so easily taken for granted - until you find yourself alone, in a dark corner of a place you hardly know. All I can do is wander around in the darkness, bashing into walls and falling to my knees ... waiting for the light to come on again. I have to keep telling myself that it will come on.. it will come on :(

take flight

The harsh reality - someone who squanders your ambitions, and mocks your attempts at bettering yourself... doesn't actually love you. I woke up this morning, and realized this. The cold hard truth of something I wanted so hard to believe in, is really just a show. Just an attempt at normalizing something that has gone too far, has been too cushioned. I keep letting this naive hopes of a better future together cloud the reality that it is going to be a very long, hard, grueling road. What I need to remember is that, despite the rough beginning... every trail even's itself out eventually. It will be hard for awhile, I'll be stressed and scared and lonely and frustrated - but that will pass, as we all adjust to a new, better, healthier lifestyle. Don't try and hold me down, I'm only just beginning.

hope it's nice where you are

caught, somewhere between the surges of emotion that will pull me under at a moments notice. the hardest thing I've done yet, is coming back up for air - force myself to the surface, because I can't just give in. and so, I will let the tide eventually wash me up on shore. I just need to make sure, that I keep breathing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kALSETZ9ngk&feature=bf_next&list=FLoxe3Yc5_jovNxeQ9nA1oDA&lf=plpp_video

should-have-beens

joining the ranks of women (and men) who sit alone on this day, every year - mourning. the loss, the never-was, the should-have-beens. the whatifs and onlyifs playing through over and over again in my head like a tape reel. and what good does it do? left unsatisfied and distraught just like the memories floating through my mind. I don't suppose I'll ever know just why it came to this.. it's so far gone, so past my peripheral vision. the haunting realities of not being enough to deserve more, not validated in my demands to render better. So if I lay down, close my eyes and keep still .. it can't touch me. The surges of pain and regret will course through me, just enough to keep me rooted in the place I lay.. but not enough to pull me under. Maybe for a day, I can hope for something more than this.

and all of the moments that have past we will try and go back to make them last

I've haven't had to walk on my own two feet in a very long time. I've so easily taken the hands which guided me through and let me have it easy. When I recently told someone that I haven't had a "real" job in over 4 years, they were in disbelief... how did I manage that? On one hand, I am really good with money - on the other? someone has always picked up the slack for me. Maybe that's where I've went wrong - believing that someone else would always help me through. It's time now to find my way, without someone leading it for me. It's time to stand up, and create my own journey - find a new independence that I have always so easily surrender to someone more willing to take on the task. Where has that left me, though? In a spot I never wanted to be - because I let someone else direct me here. You will probably sit there thinking, that's it then - this is done. I only see it as just beginning. Putting the past away, and starting over. Admit to the failure - we failed. We tried (whether it was our best or not, remains to be said) and it just wasn't enough. All we can do is try again. Leave the path we came from, and start off in a different direction. There's no use crying, it won't change our fate - it's time to get up and make a fucking difference.

a moment in time

How to articulate something so big, with so much attached? I often find myself at a loss to effectively communicate what I'm thinking.. maybe I'm just not doing it right. I am often left in a place to second guess my decisions and feelings.. it's a very destructive place to be. and I know nothing but being last to someone who I always put first. Now, in time of despair and tragedy I am realizing that in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone else I need to have a healthy understanding of my own self. I don't know who I am anymore.. when did I lose it? ...What I do know is that I need some help, I need some understanding... I need some time. How am I to care for another if I cannot, firstly, care for myself? I sit on the sidelines watching myself deteriorate.. watching myself fall, get back up, get knocked down, get back up, get pushed down... get back up. And so all I'm asking for is some peace. Some moments in time to devote to getting back to a place where I am able to love me first. What else have I ever asked for? What have I ever taken for myself? I give, and I give, and I give.... and it's not enough, it's never close to perfect. So give me the time, with no reservations. Give me the peace, that I've worked so long and hard for. Give me the respect, that I have not only given, but that I deserve. It is not about yesterday, or tomorrow - it is about a moment in time, that is mine alone. When you're at the bottom, there is no way to go but up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eX7nMCRSqJU&feature=g-all-u&context=G216118bFAAAAAAAABAA

fool

how can you be so angry if your so sad? The crippling sadness that I know, does not leave room for ferocious animosity. so I can't help but feel like I am going to fall into another trap to get me where you want me. Make me vulnerable, make me weak - and wait until I feel helpless again.. put on the mask of someone who would do anything to make me happy. and the moment I agree, you'll turn and run away. It's so easy to play nice long enough to fool.

one foot infront of the other, you can't stop me now.

Who am I fooling, really? The ones who know me, love me - know this is not right. They know I'm not right. I walk around defending my actions, pleading for a clean slate. I want it to all disappear and fade to black so that I can just move forward. Always moving forward, forgetting yesterday and hoping for better tomorrow. Where am I when the day ends? In the pit of blackness I have create for myself, begging forgiveness.. begging for a light of some kind. I am waiting for this person who doesn't exist - and I am still surprised when he doesn't come around. Made a fool. So whose to say I am not entitled? Let me fade to the blackness. After all of this time, always getting the worst of the people who get the best of me - I'm defeated. I welcome the pain, because somewhere inside of me I believe I must have done something to deserve this.. at some point in the elusive 'time' of life I have done something awful to render all of this pain. So I will sit back, watch the flames - and wait it out. Pack up my bags, wipe away the tears and dirt and pain... and keep moving forward.

the caring

to understand what you are going through as an individual, you must first try and understand how you got there. every event plays a part in the place you have come too, and you must find it within yourself to be open to the demons that come. there is no fault in trying to be a better person. and when the walls come down, and you are naked and broken on the floor - all of your errors will be highlighted, your demons will fly free and your tears will flow. but nothing new can come from a broken heart, so you first must feel out who you are. there is no chance of a better future without a better person to start from. caring is something that is second nature to me - and not a moment goes by in my day that I don't think about somebody else. I care more for others then I care for myself, and that's one of our biggest problems. I put you, and everyone else before me ... so how am I to be the best for anyone, if I'm last? The damage that has been done is so big, so irreparable.. and nothing is ever guaranteed. all we can do is try and if you've decided you quit, I can't change your mind. I am always going to try and be better, always try and be happier - and I'm never going to settle for less than I deserve again. If that means that I don't care about you, in your mind, then I hope you find someone who accepts that.

reconstruction.

All the words have been written, the plea's have been made, and the tears have been shed - I can't tell you I'm anywhere different now. This place is grey, and in it everything moves slowly. So I will carry the weight of the world, and hold myself strong for the ones who need me too. And when night falls, and the house is quiet and the floors creek under the weight of my step - I will weep. I will say my goodbyes to the life I created, to the person I built from the rubble of my past. I will be better, I will find peace - I will start building again.

done wrong

the wind is ruthless
the trees shake angry fingers at the sky
the people hunch their shoulders
hold their collars over their ears and run by
it's a cold rain
it's a hard rain
like the kind that you find in songs
i guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache
here to sing you about how i've been done wrong

and i am sitting, watching
out the window of the coffee shop
and i am waiting, waiting
waiting for it to let up
i am rocking like a cradle
warming my hands with the cup in between
i am leaning over the table
holding my face over the steam

and before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

it just all slips
away so slowly
you don't even notice till you've lost a lot
i've been like one of those zombies
in vegas
pouring quarters into a slot
and now i'm tired
and i am broke
and i feel stupid and i feel used
and i'm at the end of my little rope
and i am swinging back and forth
about you

before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

half the time the world is ending.

I've spent a lot of time in my short lifetime worrying. I worry about whether I am doing the right thing, the wrong thing, the best thing, the worst thing - whether you think it's okay, or if you will never be able to look at me the same. I worry about today, tomorrow and yesterday. I worry that my wounds won't heal, and I worry that eventually I will stop being able to pick up the pieces all by myself. I worry that tomorrow might not come. I worry that yesterday will never stop haunting me.

Some days, I think that I will probably have no choice when it comes down to it - that goodbye is the only way for me to grow. Other days I feel like I can't breath without you. Every day I feel pain, for being neglected. But I have lost - I don't stand a chance against the person you have created of me. I have nothing left - I tried to compete in a race I lost long before now. And I come out of it, broken and battered and worn and in a wreck. Somehow, it is still not about that. It is about this, and that and then and there and when that's all been sorted, there is still no time left over. I have never went after what I needed - have never set standards to ensure my needs were met. I have always settled for what I want, in hopes that needing something would come along in time. Well, here I am - long past the finish line and I'm still in need.

So much time has been lost, days that can never come back. And if I died tomorrow, would you say to yourself "I tried my hardest"? I know I couldn't.

I don't know how to be something you miss

it's a chain reaction. I start to put pieces together, and make progress through the maze inside my head, in which I have been stuck for so long. Then, just as soon as the direction is there it is gone. And it's just that, I can't fix it. I can't change the direction because, the moment I do, it is a counter move to you. This is natural, how can it not be? We protect what makes us safe, it only makes sense. But when the day end comes, I realize one very important thing. Regardless of direction - I can't live being hated by someone I love. And whether that hate is shared equally for humanity, or if it is divided or if it is reserved for just those you love the most - it doesn't make it hurt any less. And so, bags packed - I am facing the unbearable. I don't want to admit this is happening, I don't want to start dealing with the pain because it means I have accepted the fate of it. But it's time, it's been too long - and so the real hurt will begin. I will lay, broken on the floor, until eventually I can pick up the pieces together again. Time heals all wounds, they say.

and dreaming, pick up from - the last place we left off

Like a choke hold, the missing has me stuck in place. I thrash around, trying to hold onto something, anything to anchor me away from here. I just want to be somewhere else, anywhere else. It feels like sinking - I am in quick sand, and there is nothing to pull me out. I'm just going to stay here, until the end comes swooping over me. And it doesn't have to be this way, we don't have to be sinking. I just can't do anything from where I stand. Hopeless, helpless - I'm begging.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfa9yxCpWoA&list=FLoxe3Yc5_jovNxeQ9nA1oDA&index=2&feature=plpp_video

three

blog posts, msn, facebook = communication. what the fuck has it come too? a babysitter - to come there. not ONE single person I know would condone me coming TO you, and they would especially not come babysit for me, to enforce it happening. Your dreaming.

3 days. I'm leaving for 3 days. What happens after that is all up to interpretation.

but you ain't leaving without a fight

I lay my head down, take a deep breathe, let the tears flow from my eyes, stinging my cheeks as they run down the carved out path. Continue breathing, hold back the shaking, clutch something to stop it. Curl my legs up into my stomach and wrap my arms around them, hold them in close. Choke back the sobs that are creeping up through my throat - begging to be released. Bury my face in the sweater balled up at the top of the bed, it still smells like you. The hours pass, I come in and out of sleep. Restless, haunted by nightmares that always feel too real. Baby wakes, I pull him in close and hush him back to sleep... roll away and lay with my eyes closed shut, holding in everything, holding up nothing. Fall asleep, for an amount of time I couldn't possibly record. Wake to a wet pillow, and realize the tears did not stop while I slept. Get up, and start all over again.

is he different, has he changed - or is he just a liar, with nothing to lie about.

BAM. Explosion. And I'm to do what? Oh yeh, pick up all the fucking pieces. Put it all back together, by myself, in the rain no less. And then when I admit defeat, acknowledge that maybe it's just too much to do alone - I am once again, at fault. So what I am to do when it's always wrong in your eyes? You can't ask someone for the world but keep the gravity for yourself. So I do what I can, keep to myself - and mend the broken hearts. I'm starting to come to terms with the sad truth that if I can't trust one thing, I probably shouldn't count on trusting much. Words are cheap, and I'm running out of time. I've left it all open, I've kept a place for you - but eventually, there come's a point where you have to work to keep a place just given to you. Not everything can be handed on a silver platter. Stand up and fight - show me the person I found in the beginning, before it all fell down.

speechless

there are no words that could efficiently describe the intense and relentless emotions that course through me these days. i feel like i've said it all, i've done my best to acknowledge, and begin dealing with, the surface problems. but there are no right moves when your standing in the middle of a mine field. it's just a matter of waiting for it all to blow up in your face.

you take whats yours and ill take whats mine

pretend that it wont change anything for them, we both know it will. anything to give you an upper hand. this incessant need for control over the daily course of life is only getting in the way, and stopping any progress. so whose to say they're not better off? i don't believe the thick and poison laced whispers that escape from your pursed lips. i don't trust the vague attempts. i don't understand the cruel and vile temperament. and once again, here i am - left with nothing, but everything at the same time. here i am, expected to make my mark... when i'm all dried up and i don't have any juice left to move onwards. and i'll watch them grow, without someone who promised forever. if it's not great, it's not good enough.

all wrong

I am listening hard, through the splintering shards, of my life, as it shatters. I go through the motions, and it feels all wrong. Nothing fits, nothing seems to flow anymore. And somewhere I feel as though I am missing something important. You'd say I'm missing you, you'd say I made this choice. Who is to prove you wrong? I'm certainly in no position, no state-of-mind to be proving much of anything. You've heard it all before, so have I. Still, we don't move forward. If anywhere, we go back - and mull in the puddles of memory. and I miss the smile I found on my face on cold nights like this. But I now am in a position of questioning 'did you ever bring that smile?'