I fall in love all over..

So we have officially been engaged for a week today. I am very happily overwhelmed, and cannot believe how much we've got to do. My mentality is the sooner things are booked, decided upon, and planned - the better. Too soon is better than late, in my humble opinion. It probably comes off as a little psychotic - but I think everyone assumed that's how I would get. I don't even want to control anything... it could all be decided for me, really. I just want it done. Yep, definitely psychotic sounding. In a more positive light, I think we might actually get to have the wedding where we both want it to be! It's going to be hard to pull off, but I can't envision it being anywhere else. I figure, if it does have to be negotiated - I will be able to deal with the change though. I can literally close my eyes, and see it all before me - like a movie I've watched a thousand times. I know every word, every movement.. but at the same time, the details are blurry - like I've instantly forgotten moments after remembering. 1.5 years sounds so far away - but once I'm sitting down and going over things it feels like not enough time at all. Ahhh, we'll pull it off - we're pretty good at making everything come from nothing us two :) So much to do, but so much more to look forward too.

not a chance

trying to write, with a 4 year old jabbering away in your right ear, is nearly impossible. I don't know why I even pretend to have a life outside motherhood when these two are conscious. BAH. I'll write later...

bleeeeeep.

can't you see my walls crumbling down?

I suppose it comes as a shock, to most, about anyone. The shock of it helped me to see, I have so much left to learn about myself, and so much to learn about you. It also showed me that, despite every odd that could be staked against us, we will learn, and grow, and flourish together. I don't know where this will take us, and I certainly cannot claim to have the ability to choose where it ends up - but I can tell you that, I am happy to walk.. hand-in-yours, head held high, goofy grins present - to where ever our feet take us. Nothing is going to take me down from this cloud you've got me floating on, and I'm quiet happy up here. They'll want us to come down, they'll want to know how we got there - and if your okay with it, well, I'm okay with it too. It can be our secret, besides - wheres the fun if we give them direction? I needed to find this place on my own, without someone else's guidance - and low and behold, I directed myself to you. Now is that fate, or what?

the streets of gold, I'm yet to find..

I would love to be patient, all the time. I would love, to never have to raise my voice. I would love, to never have to hear the words "I hate you mom". But reality is a bitch, and I am forced to loose my temper, and raise my voice, and hear those dreaded words. I just wasn't prepared - and I had NO idea how hard it was going to be. Considering everything the three of us have been through though, it's no wonder she is at a loss of how to express her anger. I just hope we can find some positive reinforcements... and better tactics for releasing our frustration. Today was trying, but I am getting better at keeping my chin up and marching onward through the bullshit. I am confident, and I am happy, and very much loved and in-love. Super power girl team + one super awesome guy :)

Boots to keep my feet dry = 100$, Bus fare to get to the other side of town = 2.50$, All my fears and insecurities erased and vanishing into thin air = priceless.

We are going to be just fine, thanks.

im yours.

I went to sleep, a smile on my face. I woke up, in the same manner - and it has ceased to leave me alone since. I don't think if I knew to believe it at first, and it was actually the feeling that's described in movies, and music - it was just like they said it wold be. I think, part of me didn't know that it was ever coming.. and the moment, that he got down on his knee.. that part of me just vanished. I just knew, there wasn't a second of questioning. I have never been so happily overwhelmed in my whole life, and I want to scream from the rooftops and dance around in the rain and jump up and down frantically. It's an indescribable excitement - one I really didn't believe existed. It can be up, it can be down, we can be hovering around in middle ground... and the love I have for him never falters. We are about to stand on the edge, and take every risk there possibly is to take - and hand in hand, take the forward steps and hope for the best. Even if we fall flat on our faces, splatter on the side walk even... I know this is it, because I know my hand would still be in his hand - face splattered on the side walk, and all. I am looking very much forward to getting the opportunity to share my life with him. Get to know him inside and out - get to be there for the good and the bad. Become best friends, and grow old together... sit on the porch swing, with too many cats. Be the couple, sitting down at breakfast together - making the young couple across from them smile in anticipation. I am so bloody head over heels - who would have thought cynical-love is bullshit-katie watson would be excited to be married... excited at the prospect of what our life together will bring. till the day we die, im yours.

she's such a chamer, oh no!

the sun is deceiving - I wake to it, hoping it will bring me warmth, solace. Again, I am left cold and lost... wandering, aimlessly - looking for something that could point me in the "right" direction. I feel the weight rise and fall, and I fight it - hoping to keep it off. It's selfish of me, and I know it - but I can't help but give into the voice telling me it's time to be. Maybe I've been selfish all along, but I couldn't tell you the truth. We are our own best deception - blind to our patterns, our trials and trivializations. Imagine your a girl, just trying to finally come clean... knowing full-well they prefer you were dirty, and smiling. I'm sure this doesn't make any sense to any of you (if there are any of you..) reading this. I apologize for that - but at the same time, if you came here with any expectations - you came to the wrong place.

wish in one hand, shit in the other - see which gets full first...

Im feeling nostalgic, and Im wishing and waiting for things that might not come. I have an empty *void* feeling - and "10 year old" Katie knows how to fill it. "thirty year old" Katie tells me to stop wishing, and to get up and DO something. I hate her sometimes, she's such a bitch. Ive been repeating this song, over and over in my head this afternoon - which isn't so much a song, as it is.. a letter, in a song (in my opinion) so I thought I'd share...

My I.Q - Ani Difranco

when I was four years old
they tried to test my I.Q.
they showed me a picture
of 3 oranges and a pear
they said,
which one is different?
it does not belong
they taught me different is wrong
but when I was 13 years old
I woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a war
like a warning
that I live in a breakable takeable body
an ever-increasingly valuable body
that a woman had come in the night to replace me
deface me
see,
my body is borrowed
yeah, I got it on loan
for the time in between my mom and some maggots
I don't need anyone to hold me
I can hold my own
I got highways for stretchmarks
see where I've grown
I sing sometimes
like my life is at stake
'cause you're only as loud
as the noises you make
I'm learning to laugh as hard
as I can listen
'cause silence
is violence
in women and poor people
if more people were screaming then I could relax
but a good brain ain't diddley
if you don't have the facts
we live in a breakable takeable world
an ever available possible world
and we can make music
like we can make do
genius is in a back beat
backseat to nothing if you're dancing
especially something stupid
like I.Q.
for every lie I unlearn
I learn something new
I sing sometimes for the war that I fight
'cause every tool is a weapon -
if you hold it right.

love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you ... it will set you free.

So that would be the third time, I've written a complete blog - and deleted it all. Not by accident either, but because nothing I'm trying to say seems to be coming out right. I can't manage a comprehensible sentence to explain this feeling - or to show you where I'm at. I guess, the only way I can put it is 'fireworks'. I know you get it, so I don't really need to explain - I just want to put it down, so I can better understand. We've already concluded months ago though, that there is no understanding - there is no explaining. It just is, what it is - and nothing turns out the way we plan it, but that's okay too. I'm back at the start, and my arms - are still wide open. Still completely, head over bloody heels! today is going to be a good day.

32 posts with 32 flavors

I would notice that this is my 32nd post, because I am that cool. The feeling of jealousy is completely normal, I'm pretty amazing - it's hard not to envy me and my amazingness. Saturday proved to be a really good day - even with the breakdowns Emma had, and the lack of sleep I was running on. We had fun going out dancing too - and in complete Thunder Bay fashion, Tim & I were the sleazy couple on the dance floor flaunting our PDA for everyone to see. We didnt care though, we went off into our own little world - and didn't notice anyone else. Not our style, for the most part - but we had a great time regardless. I love that he dances with me :) it's honestly one of my favourite things to do, so having him be a part of it just makes it that much better. I have to give him some liquid courage first generally - but that's fine with me, so long as he does it.

Yesterday was an interesting day - we hit some major milestones with Emma & Sophie's acceptance of mine and Tim's relationship. We were both waiting for it to happen, and I think we are both surprised how long it took for the questions to flow. Emma has been infatuated with the idea of marriage for the last couple of days, so naturally she started asking about Tim & I getting married. It's been an interesting journey answering her questions, and explaining the traditions and rituals we go through in our society to declare love. She is now very patiently waiting to be "mommys flower girl" - she didn't care to hear my explanation that it wouldn't be for awhile yet. Regardless, it is sort of a relief that we have covered that now.. and I am looking forward to the comfort and acceptance to grow and flourish.

Im babysitting Mak today.. so we've been up or awhile now, and Im already exhausted. Money is money though - and I'll do what I must to get it. Besides, Emma loves having a friend for the day - until she gets sick of her (which she always does). Maybe we'll do some baking to pass the time, and it's nice ish out so we'll spend the afternoon in the yard. WOOT. Now I bet your super jealous - doesn't my day sound thrilling? I thought so! Happy Birthday to Miss Tammy <3

woke up, it was a chelsea morning

Warm, and comfortable - I woke up to two very cuddly and sleepy little girls next to me. Emma must have taken Sophie out of her bed, and led her into the safety of my bedroom. She must have sensed I needed the bodies next to mine - because I couldn't have been happier to awake to that :) I'm such a lucky mum - despite the tuffs, and the flack, and the fits... they are smart, intuitive, beautiful, genuine, and benevolent little girls. I had very little trouble getting out of bed too! Which was amazing to me because I didn't fall asleep until 3 am *ugh*! I figured 7:30 would kick my ass, but I only laid in bed for an extra 20 minutes this morning. This is, in my opinion, a record as of late. They appreciated it I think - because so far, no fighting (except for Emma's defiance during breakfast..) and they even cleaned up all the books without hesitation. I think I can force the exhaustion on myself if it means more cooperation, and understanding. It's beautiful outside today (+1 degrees) so we are going sledding, regardless of the walk over! It'll be worth it once we're there :) and Emma adores it! It'll be our first "family" day in awhile, which I am giddy like a 12-year-old-girl-with-a-crush about it. It hits me in the gut sometimes - how happy I can be, and even if there is turbulance and arguments... I'm still excited to see him. I'm going dancing tonight as well, which only adds to be positive attitude about this day. It's been a great start in the Watson household this Saturday morning, heres to the rest of the day going just as well :) Cheers!

as is.

one step forward, two steps back. I don't want to lead, I want to do it beside you, together. Won't you join me?

you were a run around, a lost and found

I find pleasure in the simplest of things - like the garbage successfully having been put out, and picked up on a Thursday morning. Or groceries being put neatly away in their proper places. Or laundry being folded and warm in the basket. It really doesn't take much to make me happy - I guess I just need to find contentment in these little things on my own. I find myself always waiting for someone to improve the situation, resolve the confrontation, come and reassure *me* everything will be alright. I wonder why I don't just do these things myself? Why am I waiting for the simple pleasures to be presented to me - hoping that some one else will bring me the simplicity that I am seeking? I do find my own way, and can master my way around almost anything to get to my goal... but when there is another body, another person - reaching that goal with me, I often find myself taking the passengers seat. Maybe if I just concentrate more readily on the simple pleasures I find daily - I can slowly wean out, and eventually eliminate, the need for anything more complex. Be happy, with what I've got...

Today Sophie and I are going to explore, and maybe find something new. Even if we find something old, that's okay too. Im just looking forward to hanging out with her all day :)
Happy Thursday.

you make what you want of me, I will keep you anyways.

the air was warm on my skin, and it took me by surprise. I waited a moment, lingering - and wishing helplessly that I could put one foot in front of the other .. keep walking. Alas, the invisible umbilical cord gave me a slight tug, and without a conscious thought I turned around and walked back inside. It's not that I wanted to escape, or run away - the wind just caught me, and I have such difficulty not following. That feeling only comes every so often - where I can feel my feet disobeying and conspiring against my conscience. I'm slowly starting to realize why the "family dynamic" is so praised by our society - and why teen parenting, single parenting, broken families, are all looked upon with disdain. It's because it's bloody hard - and it's strenuous, and when you want to walk.. you can't. You have to go back inside, because they are 100% solely your responsibility. You hear that kiddies? Teen pregnancy might look like fun, real cute - but it's not. You work 10x's as hard, and get half the respect - you work your ass off to make ends meet, and you can't follow the wind at midnight when it's calling you. I love my daughters, and I wouldn't change anything about the way our lives have panned out because everything happens for a reason - I'd just like to feel the warm air on my cheek for a few moments longer.

I could wake up screaming sometimes, but I don't.

When it's all said and done, I'm head over heels. I can look at you sometimes, and no matter where I'm at or how I'm feeling - you make me smile. I find comfort in your presence, and in your arms- it feels like home. It's going to take so much work... like, SO much work. I think that's a part of it though.. what is the saying? Nothing's worth it if you don't have to work for it. I'll work as long as your working. I'm exhausted, and I'm worn thin - and we both need to notice the rewards of our labor. I promise it's there - we just have to look deeper for the small things, that so easily get overlooked in the grind of day-to-day. Thank you for being patient, and seeing the good that I so often overlook <3

it's been a long day, always.

No sleep. Maybe an hour, or two - that were consecutive. In all, maybe 3 or 4 hours here and there. I don't know how anyone functions without basic sleep patterns. I'm completely wired on red bull, and tea - and I know by noon it will wear off and I will be exhausted. Funny, even as I was opening the red bull I thought.. this is going to kill me. It probably will, no big deal though... I am now pro at coming back from the dead. The girls have no sympathy for me either, not that I had expected any. But unexpected surprises are always appreciated in my line of work. They we're seemingly angel's this morning in comparison to other mornings when I lay in bed trying to talk myself into opening my eyes. No pack of gum half eaten, or books ripped apart... just random toys strewn across the house, and a banana half destroyed on the kitchen table. Maybe, just maybe, if I keep laying in bed every morning they will stop destroying anything, period. Not likely - probably should just get up when they get up. we'll see - for now, I need all the sleep I can get. No breaks = katie stays in bed for some extra shut eye. There should be like, a free nanny on-call for single moms. I think that would be great. What else would be great? getting spoiled. Someone spoil me goddamnit!! Okay - I'm going to play tea party dress up... maybe even shower! Happy Monday.

everything I am has made me to be everything I'm not.

Secrets have the biggest grip hold on our decisions. You can say "don't live with regret" and claim to have nothing to hide... but it takes *so* much to 100% come clean, and lay it all out there. Even when we feel like we are wide open, and there is everything on the table to be examined and explored - there is always something more that comes with time. Something that, even if we don't realize, is hiding in the depths of our minds and refuses to budge. There are plenty of "secrets" that people are scared to share... like picking your nose, or enjoying your toes being licked. There are always preferences we have that others will think are weird, and so we turn them into secrets. There will always be ideas we have that we assume others would think are strange, so we turn them into secrets. We all have something to hide, even if we pretend that we don't. The scary part is eventually it will catch up with you - and it will become a part of you, overtake your sanity until it eventually bubbles up to the point where you have to spill your guts. I think what actually scares us is finding the people we want to spill too - and know where and when to say what we need to. Searching out someone who will reserve judgment, and take your "secret" in without criticism or neglect. In the end, that's our mission right? We're all searching for a soul mate, a life partner, a lover, a friend - who will know everything, and love and accept you for all that you are... nose picking & toe licking included. Maybe that's what we mean when we say we are looking for "the one" .. we're just searching for the person who we can tell all of our truths, and all of our lies - and be appreciated for them. Just a thought.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

maybe you can find your secret.

its a long long road

I'm a fighter through and through - but there will always be times where I feel defeated, and take a back seat to watch the show. I don't want to watch, I don't want to keep my thoughts to myself - I want to work my ass off to make what needs to happen, happen. Sometimes though, like now, the best thing I can do is take the back seat. So this is me, taking said seat and watching the progress. I know all I can do is change my own patterns - but something I need to stop trying to do is changing other peoples patterns to make up for the lack of my own changes. I want things done a certain way, and have ridiculous expectations - both of which are very intrusive problems. It has been a long haul these last couple years - and in that time I have lost sight of how humanity functions and the needs and demands that come with every relationship. I feel so strung out a lot of the time, that it clouds my perception of how I should treat the people who surround me. I get so caught up in the day-to-day that I forget to sit back, and take it all in one breath at a time, and in the mean time I start lighting subconscious fires under bridges that are already terribly structured. It's like I don't even realize it's happening either until its ablaze and the residents of said bridges are running to safety. I guess in the end, that's what defines the true relationships in my life and the ones that should be burnt ... the ones that are true, will recognize it, and come help me put out the fire and take my apology when it's all said and done. {well that was the most random post yet, I think... thinking out loud, I guess} happy friday.

it took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears..

Today has been one of those days where I want to accomplish so much, but run out of time by the time I finally get around to doing it. I did however, begin the process of applying to school. I'm back to square one of struggling with if I should go to College or University. There are pros and cons to each situation, and anxiety that surrounds them as well. I feel like it should be an easy decision, but given my inability to make a decision and stick to it - it won't be easy. I also still have the feeling of wanting to move... escape this city (because it's the cities fault I'm still here, nothing to do with me, honest!) and find a new world. I love my world, don't get me wrong - there is just so many terrible attachments, and I don't know how I expect my daughter to heal if the reminders are everywhere we go. It's very rare we go out without her making some connection to a memory she has of him, I would just like to eliminate that reliance. It's asking a lot, which is why I continue to rule out the possibility. The deadline is approaching though, so I need to figure this out now. I just cant make myself dedicate time to it - as soon as I'm sitting down, I just want to sleep. This exhaustion could go away anytime now, that would be awesome. I still find time to write here though, which is good. I guess it's my way of justifying my procrastination. Maybe I should stop doing that - and get my shit together... we'll see, for now - chocolate, and sleep.

even if we change, and fall out of.

The fog has taken over, and we're both helplessly laying on the ground.. waiting for it to pass. It's exhausting - every single aspect of being a parent, is exhausting. Whether it be emotionally, physically or mentally.. I am always left feeling "woah". Now it's his turn, to feel it too. It's a sink or swim situation, because it really doesn't even get *easier* it just changes, and some stages are easier to take on than others. I reached a point yesterday, that left me with no choice but to just look at myself honestly, and start doing the reno's. I have come so far, and changed so much - but there are still so many aspects of myself that have been left in shambles, awaiting my TLC. I think every mother should be allowed a 5 day period, alone, to take in everything. To sit back and regroup - explore the inner working, and just touch base. Instead, we find ways to drag out the process every single day of our lives... and solve one little problem at a time. Multi-task the emotions, and learn to live without the touching of home base.

"Just show me a moment that is mine
it's beauty blinding and unsurpassed.
make me forget every moment that went by
and left me so half hearted -
because I felt it so half-assed"

Half Assed - Ani Difranco

I know we'll find our way, we're both too stubborn to give up anyways. We both are just in dire need of some quiet. Sweet dreams xo

routine-shmoutine.

It feels like such a slap, getting back into routine. I definitely got used to Tim having 4 day weekends! Damn holidays. Emma is back to school tomorrow, which as guilty as it makes me feel, I am *SO* looking forward too. We bump heads so much when we're together all the time (especially because we are stuck inside because of the freezing cold!) So school provides us with that time apart, and I think we both appreciate each others presence so much more when we get some time apart. When did she grow up!? She used to love spending all her time with me, and hated when we were apart. Now it's more like "SEE YOU LATER MUM!" waving, not looking back, as she runs off to the bus. 1.5 months until Emma's 5th birthday - and every year, it comes as such a shock! How did another year pass? The planning has already begun - she wants a hotel room, which I would love to give to her.. but apparently every damn hotel with a pool is booked the weekend of her birthday! I don't understand how, but that's what the sites tell me. I'm going to have to call, and see what's going on. If we can't get a room, then we'll probably have a swimming party at Churchill pool. Regardless, its going to be busy like it is every year! I'm excited, and dreading it at the same time. I'd like to know when the down time happens... I'm assuming not until they are both in their twenties? That's still 20 years away. *sigh* I guess I'll wait a few years to start the count down then.

mission: leaving it in the past = in progress.

Something that I've always had a really hard time with is letting go. It has on occasion taken me years to finally accept that a person needs to leave my life. Other times though, when someone leaves with out and explanation, I am stuck holding on to old memories for a very long time. I can accept it, and understand for the most part - but I hold it, somewhere deep and don't let go. It's no wonder that I am heavy with the weight of my choices, the paths I have taken, the people I've let join me. They carry on with me, even after their presence is physically gone. It's an unnecessary weight, but I don't want to let go of old friends in hope that one day we'll somehow bump back into each other, and everything will be restored. I guess the question would then be, why not leave the past in the past, and leave that space for new memories? I'm working on it. I'm trying to eliminate the bad and make room for all that is good in my life. There is so much good - I don't know when I felt it became my responsibility to feel the guilt of all that has gone wrong. I don't know why I've made myself into the bearer of the weight people have left behind. It would be so much easier if I could train myself to observe, understand, accept and leave it behind. But for some godforsaken reason, I pick it up -put in my pocket and carry it around like some treasure to be held cautiously and carefully. The worst part about it all is that, only I can change my patterns. One foot in front of the other, get in the car, get out to the highway and role down the window - one by one, drop the old memories on the side of the road... and never look back. I'm on a mission, get out of my way :)

bugger off, you nasty weather.

It's so cold outside, that I refuse to leave my house. I won't step a foot out that door, unless I absolutely have too. Call me whiny, question how I live in Canada... go ahead. The fact of the matter is - the cold SUCKS. Especially *this* kind of cold, the kind where everything is numb after 15 minutes. This is why people drive, and have car starters... to make life that much easier. More so, that's how they handle this b.s weather!!! If the US had free health care, you better believe I would move to California. Screw you -35, audios white Christmas... I'll send you a postcard! Alas, the American's are too selfish and so I am stuck here, in this godforsaken coldness. So might as well make the best of it while I'm here right? Ill have no choice tomorrow anyways, unfortunately for me - the girls need the fresh air so we will venture out at some point. I took "down" the tree today... and by "down" I mean, I put it outside, still in it's stand. I did take the lights and decorations off though, so that's a step up! I'd like to throw it all in the trash and never have a tree again, but that's just because Im grumpy today and should probably go to bed already! Some time this week Im going to have to go look for shelves... *sigh* I dislike having to do that sort of thing, I'm really much happier when it's done for me. Maybe I'll get some paint while I'm at it and finish that awful kitchen. Ohhh I sound so domestic, how cute. Maybe I should buy a mini-van and coach a little leage team while I'm at it! hah - happy 2010 :)