on the same team

Surrendered to the darkest, smallest part of me - I hid away from your touch, from your presence. I let the demon's take the reigns, and I hid behind it. We could have fought about it, you could have walked away. Instead, you provided me a space to lay out of my fears and insecurities. You looked me in the eye and reassured me, of the love - the strength. And I allowed myself to tell you all, to open up the windows and let the light flow into the dark corner I was hiding in. I could have stayed cuddled up with my worry and fear, holding tight on the hand of doubt. Instead, you held me and wiped away the tears. you stayed close, and you helped me get back up. Against all odds, I found a place where I felt safe enough to be free, to be messy, to be honest. All of my gratitude, for the persistence and patience x

time

I often feel as if I am rushing towards the finish line, only to find that the end is forever moving. I get caught in the hustle and bustle, and every day moves faster than the last. Love and laughter gets swept up in the chaos, and I find that all the most sacred and cherished pieces of my life have been temporarily neglected. It's so easy to let it fall, when you have to keep moving at all costs. Another term has passed me, what did I learn? I still push deadlines like they are suggestions rather than expectations. I still let my lion out and put the weight of my stress on your shoulders. I still have yet to scrub the base boards, or dust the ceiling fan. but I have time again. With time, comes the decluttering. All of the piles, all of the feelings that have been left to sit. It all sweeps over me, catching up after months of playing cat and mouse. It's never enough, and I'll only just make a dent in the boxes I've got piled in the storage of my mind. I suppose I'll find comfort with any time at all, and begin working away anyways. And you can help me carry the heavy ones, if you want - and we can work through them as a team. And I can look forward to not doing it on my own all the time. I can trust that the contents are safe with you, that I can let go of the control I've been forced to hold for so long. And all of a sudden, time is only a part of what we're doing, it's not what is being done - and what we can do together will maybe change how I've framed it all this time. Maybe, it isn't so heavy when you can share some of the load. and time is on our side, this round.

"I will always love him, because he gave me you"

I can never fully articulate how I feel about what has happened (what is happening), because it is always shifting - fluid, like the rivers. They ask, and I am honest. Maybe to a fault.. maybe too honest. I tiptoe around the past like it's some sort of ticking time bomb...always trying to protect you three. I am not perfect, not even close - but I am doing my best, and I am always learning. They ask... and I tell them, that once upon a time we lived happily (I was never really happy) and that it doesn't always have a happy ending. Our story didn't. But we are happy now, and it is not the end - it was just an unhappy ending to one chapter. The thing is, we can't ever know or predict what's going to happen... I can assure you that I may not know where I'm going but I am certain it's not where I've been. I couldn't make those same mistakes again if I tried - my ever mending heart would not permit it. So rest assured, that honesty is a must; love is a constant, and support is guaranteed. I will forever be honest, and tell them the stories of a love that always lives through them. It's not easy, but the good things never are.

"I didn't want any secretary knowing that much about my choices as a mother"

When I was a little girl, I had a seasame street book that focused on diversity. There were children with all different skin pigmentation, eye shapes and hair colors.I felt confident that (even though I didn't look much like my Scandinavian siblings) this meant I belonged. There were kids pictured in wheelchairs, with braces, glasses.. I felt confident that (as a temporarily abled child) this meant we all belonged. There was a section for families, that showed inter-racial couples, and same-sex couples with children... I felt confident that (even though my family didn't quite fit the norm of nuclear family) this meant I belonged. At a very young age, seasame street showed me that there was no normal, and that we all belonged (which was reinforced by my mother). One day in the school yard a fellow student told me that my brother and sister were not my "real" sister and brother, and I fell silent. I thought to myself - is it true? am I fake?... after all, I have another family... so who was the imposter? I can recall all of my comfortable ideas about belonging that I had learned in my book being suddenly questioned. I can recall feeling like perhaps I didn't belong after all. If they weren't MY real siblings, then I certainly couldn't be real to them either. What do we gain from mentalities surrounding family that work solely to perpetuate misconceptions about right and wrong? Do we really still value the nuclear family, when study after study has shown that there is no ideal parental unit? The persistent reality is that although we benefit greatly from support, that support is not actually going to help families if it's premise is founded in an unstable mentality. We do all belong, albeit to different cultures and groups, to different family structures. But there is a place for everyone, and once we knock down the norms that uphold negative stereotypes, I will no longer need to speak of it. We will just be.

the littlest of things

I should be writing words on a page about sexuality and disability... click click click. I should be in the midst of formatting my parer... click click click. My mind is elsewhere, I've lost sight of it now and once it's out of a certain radius I can no longer make commands. So I sit here, staring at the taunting white screen and write out what I'm really thinking. Obligation is a funny thing. We all feel it for one thing or another, maybe even to someone... or at least for their benefit. It's like doing the tango, though - if you want it to be successful. You can not be obligated to anything if it is not, in return, obligated to you. I am a genuinely kind person who sees the best in people, and I often spend much of my time trying to find my way through how I can help everyone else. A year or so ago, I learned that it was time to help myself first - for in order to be a help, you must also know how to keep yourself up. Truth is, I identified with being down - so it was a pretty tricky thing to get up. I still find myself down sometimes, and I begin to see the alluring path that would lead me to a place that ensured I stayed down. The reality is, I am not a down person. I don't do well there, and nor should I. I like to be up, because I take great satisfaction from helping (and like I said before, you must be up to help). I identify with many parts of myself, all of which take their own face and title. I used to believe that made me complicated, but now I know it just makes up me. It is often the littlest of things that make the greatest impact, and I do hope that those impacts trigger the pay it forward approach where ever possible. A smile at someones solemn face can change not only how they might be feeling, but also how you might approach the day. It is a hard week, and your smile changed how I am approaching it. That is the biggest help you can give - a smile, and a different approach.

alone.. whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot.

I wage wars on myself over the reckless arguments the demons are having. What use is it to sad all the time, anyways? I'd rather feel the rage - storm out with my fiery fortitude! I am angry! I am fierce! I will not back down. I should be angry, you would be too. It's not a one-person job. It is not supposed to be an all-on-you-gig... and even at that, doing the day-to-day solo - there is supposed to be reprise. There is supposed to be a secondary voice. I am the secondary voice, I am my own advice. I am told to look forward, to know that they will look back on their childhood and say "my mom did it all, on her own, and we turned out great!" I, however, like to live presently = which means today, I am overwhelmed, exhausted, worn out, and torn down. And I am angry about it. You can counter it with your "you chose this" and "you made your bed"'s... but until you walk in my shoes, don't think for a moment you know the choices I've made, and why. This is my reality - and I will honor my anger, I will give a name to my rage... and I will feel it out, and I will not be silenced. "One day" is lovely - but TODAY is right now... and right now? It is hard... like, really fucking hard. I am at peace with my struggles, I am going to embrace that fight. For I alone am fighting the battles you won't see on the front page. On the front page, you will see my hard work - these three incredibly wonderful human beings who I have single-handedly raised. It's not a glamorous journey, but it's mine... and today, my journey is rage.

it's the reminder that they are a forever kind-of-deal

Sometimes, relief takes such a strange face. In the midst of papers due, presentations having to be organized, birthdays being planned, activities being fulfilled - I often wonder how I have any time for much else. It's certainly no wonder I feel so tense about anything outside of my robotic duties. And then, I have a revelation, a moment of clarity. I realize that nothing is as bad as it seems when I'm in the dark - I only need but a minute or two of light to find the way and feel at peace. Maybe it's another phase, another "let's be friends" moment that will be snatched away as quickly as the times before. Always seeing the best in everything, and letting that shadow the worst - maybe I will be the fool again. That's not to say I'm not secretly certain I will be squandered once again - but the little glimpse of hope that passes through my peripherals are enough to keep me going. It doesn't have to be this bad, and why should it? I know I've made mistakes, but please forgive me for I am still learning. One day at a time.

we're dancing in riddles on top of dead dreams

tap tap tap. backspace. delete delete delete. Nothing comes out right, and I'm lost for words over and over. Instead of letting it flow, I start to compartmentalize the emotions that range over a vast scale of feelings. I categorize and deconstruct it, as if somehow naming each and every part will help me get rid of the feeling. The reality is that there are no names, because I've not even given faces to them. I'm storing them before I've even had a chance to find the root cause. And then there's the added difficulty of not always having a root cause, not being able to trace it back to some specific time and place. Sometimes, they are just feelings and they can't be named. I'm scared of those spaces that force me to feel it, and so I strategize my moves so that I'm not ever face to face with them. Highly problematic, and almost impossible. I can avoid it temporarily - but I'm no good at lying, and even worse at hiding. Eventually, I find myself here - and it's time to feel it. This is it - in all it's ugly preface... January is dark and cold, and I am sad. Forgive me.

love the life you live

A whirlwind. I look around me and I think "this is love". Spending so much time in the past feeling marginalized, I am finally coming through the fog of how I have stigmatized myself. Single is a word that leaves the taste of blood on my tongue, as if there is no value in doing anything alone. In reality, singlehood has taught me to be a better partner. Spending three years alone, has shown me what I value and what I demand. It has taught me more about communication, trust, and honesty, then any relationship I've had in my life. A community has surrounded us in the last three years and worked with me to raise three incredible small humans. While I take on the brunt of the long nights, the big decisions, and the heartbreak and tears of life events I cannot control; the love that encompasses our little universe is unwavering. That support and commitment let me find my way, leaving room for error when I lost my way So many wrong turns and mistakes made - and as always, I am still learning. This time, though... well, this time I am okay with messing up. I have found peace with my quick defense, my insecurities, my fears. I have found confidence in my self worth - and I know that we earned this. The days have been long, the year short - and I am walking quick-smart into the next. Fearless, boundless, and ready for the next adventure. Don't forget to breathe.

and I told you all about these things, I got a scraped up knee and I can't shake the sting

Today, as we drove, you came up in a story I was telling. It set me back to speak your name, and I paused as I anticipated questioning about where you were and when you'd be back again. Instead, I was met with confusion. When Emma asked me "who is that again?" ... my heart broke a little. How can I be living a life where they can't remember you? How did that happen? Your ghost still lingers here, and perhaps that's the way it will forever be. But this time of year never creeps up without you trailing far behind. I hear you're coming to town, hear you went over the ocean to see new things. I find comfort knowing that you're out living, despite that you told me I'd ruined that for you. I couldn't bring myself to go into great detail who you are, and instead let them forget... what else was I to do? You and I both know, we can never go back... the damage is done, the cards have been laid - it's time we all moved on.

I hear you're smiling again, and after it all - that's enough.

the bags under my eyes

At first, it stung - like you intended. I was angry, I was hurt, I was defeated... if only momentarily. But it's true, the bags under my eyes are ever present, giving the external world some insight into how tiring my life can be. The wrinkles on my forehead grow deeper and deeper each year, carving lines into my face that show my journey like rivers carving through the earth. Like the lines that pass over my body, showing where I stretched to grow life. My body has changed, just as my life has. It shows of the long nights of being the only adult present to wake with a sick child, or to bring comfort after a nightmare. It shows of loss and pain, of the hardships we endure together and those that I must fight on my own so that my children do not feel the sting. It shows of the loves lost, and the battles won, and time spent healing the wounds. The external gaze is consistent and prominent, and that's okay with me. Assumptions and accusations are alright - it means I've given you reason to care. The truth is, though my body has shifted, molded to the life I've worked tirelessly to give to my children, I am no worse for wear. If anything, I have grown and strengthened... gained wisdom from my life course. So what you see on the outside is just a snapshot of the long nights, and the short days spent together, and the memories we will never forget. You're right, the bags under my eyes are visible - but the life we love to live will always be ours, and marks on my face are a small price to pay for that.

"I've got highways for stretchmarks, see where I've grown"

you can still be who said you were

Pick it up, and start again. I mark it as a time for grief and growth, though it will always pain me some. I want to be angry that who you said you were was an illusion, and cry for the loss of a life my son should have had. Then I shake my head, and realize I am giving him the life he should have. I am giving it to all three of them, and I know we are lucky. It's been a long, difficult journey. The sadness is just around the corner, but now... it's the corner behind us. We have to make a conscious effort to turn around, and walk against the current to get to that place. It's only a short walk, but it's taken years to get away from. One foot in front of the other, taking it all in. Look around, how far we've come - isn't that something to be proud of? Pain is an important part of growth, it forces us out of our comfort (despite how detrimental that comfort is) and makes us choose. Look around you! Is this what you want? Are you happy? Are you settling? Shift, roll with the punches... but more importantly - punch back! Set your mind for what you want, and then work your ass off.... every.single.day to get it, and maintain it. Do not accept the love you deserve ... love yourself, and know your worth. Three long years, an uphill battle... but here I am, at the top, after all that climbing - and I'm sure I've earned this. It's scary as hell, that three years later, here I am starting it all over again - everything on the line. This time, though, I know that no matter what happens - the four of us can and will survive on our own. This time, I know my worth.... don't forget to breathe.

many moons have risen and fallen long, long before you came.

The time has come, though it has been a long time coming. I sit in wonderment of the world around me, the people coming through and walking around. We are all moving as one, but nobody seems to notice. We are wrapped up in our individualistic realities, and the snow falling down is only but a moment in which we fail to appreciate. Taking for granted the smallest of pleasures, for we want to have control over what is laid out before us. Instead of looking ahead, or always behind... let yourself be encompassed by the moment. Be present. It's only right now that is guaranteed. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am ready to celebrate. The season is only just beginning, but already I am anticipating the love and the laughter. We are the lucky ones. Don't forget to breathe.

it never gets easier, it just shifts...

I can sympathize with the social normative ideals surrounding reproduction. A nuclear family creates the perception of a supportive and loving unit in which children feel secure. What throw's a wrench in this ideal is when there is no security, when the love is gone and the only support is the support you give yourself. I so badly wanted to believe that I had created that, and put myself through hell and back to maintain that identity. I often get questioned as to why I let it go that far, why that when I knew it was bad, I didn't walk - before it got to "worst". This. What I feel every time my son is gone, is why I stayed. Every time I do something without him, and the girls and I cannot deny the heaviness that weighs us all down... that's why I stuck it out as long as I did. I never wanted to have to be away from any of my kids, not like this. So now we go through the motions, and wait for his return. I know in my heart, that what I did was the right thing - but what I feel in my heart when he is gone, is not something I can describe. Thankful for short hours, until you come home x

so I walk like I'm on a mission, cause thats the way I groove. I've got more and more to do, I've got less and less to prove

my heart is smiling, my soul is fulfilled, I am happy x
oh, the places we'll go.
don't forget to breath.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMGJhPO0fUo

I am thankful...

to have finally really started to accept...

https://postsecretdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/walls.jpg

it's only getting brighter <3 br="">

life is just too short ; boxes

at times I like to walk in circles, it puts my mind at ease.

I like to go through things aware and do just as I please.

I know it could be easier, I could follow like a dog..

but I prefer to find the fresher air then to remain dazed in the fog.

Life is just too short, you see? and we have no time to spare.

I want to live life as it comes, be present, and aware.

I can sympathize with your delusions of regulated time,

but I cannot follow blindly without reason and without rhyme.

I want to see laughter, to hear love and to feel no shame...

but I  refuse to stay in the box and play your stupid games.

Do not try to keep me grounded, and instead please let me fly,

for I have no more time then you and I want to know why...

why your angry, why your mean, and why you hold it against me

that I would rather be a bird and soar, to spread my wings and be free.

You may say "foolish girl, we are all trapped here" and you may be right..

but I will not stand down and give up on the fight.

Life is just too short, you see... and I will carry on this way

it's not to late, there's always time... you can begin right now, today.

let it go, let it lie, and know that love is all around

you just have to stop looking for it, and know that it surrounds.

Unpacking

How does one find a home when their bags are always packed and ready for a quick and swift exit? It doesn't bode well, and I am learning the hard way that it's time. Perhaps it's more then just a routine - more then just a spot within me reserved for the unfortunate moments that have come and gone. But it's time, none the less. It is not a process in which I can graduate from and leave behind - the unpacking and healing is a life long journey. One, might I add, that should be thoroughly examined at every pit stop. This heart and head change, and grow, and falter, and break and mend. It is ever-processing, and I need to stop treating this as if it were something I had achieved long ago. You do not simply 'get over it'... but instead, you build a spot for it within yourself and find a way to cope through it and eventually embrace that part of you. The latter is a challenging task, but it comes in time (or so I am told). Wisdom is something that comes from letting go of everything you think you know - and letting your senses guide you. It is time to open up the suit cases, go through all the boxes, and unpack this heart and this head. Slowly, over time, and with patience and understanding. One foot in front of the other - k.

I'd been bluffing here for years, and now I think it's time I showed my hand..

As prepared as I can be, I will step out once again. I will hold on to my faith and trust my feet to move on command. So simple, so routine. Here I am, small like a child and fearful of nothing you can hold in your hands. I've adopted a way of dealin that maybe isn't so easy to see. I will face the days coming which give me over to the fear that holds me captive. Surely, after all this time, it'll be easier this round? Still I find everything shaken around me, like an earthquake hit and I missed it somehow. Now I'm just running around, picking up the pieces and putting up my best defenses. Do you still want inside this head? So many dark corners, so many boxes better left untouched. If you let me cry, let me break, and hold on to my hand as it sweats and I breath quickly and short - please know you are much stronger then me, but my demons know all to well how easy it is to get me when I am low. So low as I am, as scared as you will find me - I somehow find my way through it each time. Now I am never ready, never actually prepared - but that can't stop me, and it won't. Shame is fluid, and I know better now. I'm keeping my rights, I'm keeping my fears - and one day, when it's time, I'll let it all go. But for now, for today - the fear holds me, and I listen to the words of music that hold me tight and rock me gently to sleep.

all the hard things we both gotta do

I swear there was a time when I could make sense of it all - but lately it swallows me whole and I am left wandering through darkness of the innards... hoping for a ray of light to lead me out. It isn't so simple as saying one thing, because to me that one thing may mean something altogether different come morning. I remember fleeting moments of reassurance, times and places where I was confident in my decisions and behind my choices. I feel broken and I feel lost, and I don't think I can take much more of this self-inflicted pain. Surely, I must still be learning. So when it feels on and it's on with all that I've got, that's when I am closest to changing my mind. confusing, isn't it? I don't imagine that living it could be any less frustrating that being subjected to this level of indecision. So what does that say for security? trust? faith? .... if I can't hold on to a choice for more than a moment, where will that take me in the end? my head is full, my heart is heavy... jump.