the littlest of things

I should be writing words on a page about sexuality and disability... click click click. I should be in the midst of formatting my parer... click click click. My mind is elsewhere, I've lost sight of it now and once it's out of a certain radius I can no longer make commands. So I sit here, staring at the taunting white screen and write out what I'm really thinking. Obligation is a funny thing. We all feel it for one thing or another, maybe even to someone... or at least for their benefit. It's like doing the tango, though - if you want it to be successful. You can not be obligated to anything if it is not, in return, obligated to you. I am a genuinely kind person who sees the best in people, and I often spend much of my time trying to find my way through how I can help everyone else. A year or so ago, I learned that it was time to help myself first - for in order to be a help, you must also know how to keep yourself up. Truth is, I identified with being down - so it was a pretty tricky thing to get up. I still find myself down sometimes, and I begin to see the alluring path that would lead me to a place that ensured I stayed down. The reality is, I am not a down person. I don't do well there, and nor should I. I like to be up, because I take great satisfaction from helping (and like I said before, you must be up to help). I identify with many parts of myself, all of which take their own face and title. I used to believe that made me complicated, but now I know it just makes up me. It is often the littlest of things that make the greatest impact, and I do hope that those impacts trigger the pay it forward approach where ever possible. A smile at someones solemn face can change not only how they might be feeling, but also how you might approach the day. It is a hard week, and your smile changed how I am approaching it. That is the biggest help you can give - a smile, and a different approach.