hope

my head is swimming. amazing how the very same thing can be viewed in such different manors. to one person, an excitement - a joy! to the next, a burden.. a pain and a heart ache. I am so overwhelmed with happiness, to even just be a part. I am looking forward to the future.. a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. good things happen all the time, you just have to pay attention

we walk in the same direction, so we can never stray

music heals the soul. so I finger through my old CD's and find songs that will ease the tension, release the sadness, empty my head. long lost lusts, broken hearts, from-the-gut-laughs, days I don't remember, years I'll never forget. When there is nothing left to say, is it time to walk away? questions nobody can answer but me, because nobody knows the rhythm of my heart ... nobody can make my decisions because nobody has walked through the life I have to get to these choices. When hard becomes impossible, and pain becomes unbearable. some times, the right right thing and the hardest thing are the same.

capsized

my boy

You came into this world with such force and wonder, I sometimes have to take a step back and remind myself just who you are and how you got here. It feels like merely moments ago that you came up for air and changed my every notion of what life was to be like. I am in such amazement of the little life that has flourished, what an incredible little person you have grown to be. You shine light into every dark corner, and whether you realize it or not, have saved me time and time again. You are a testament that great things can come from very dark places - and I will never be able to show you just how much I am in awe of you. So many days have past since you arrived, so many more days will come.. we have so much to explore. You bring me to my roots and show me the simplicity of life. Happy day of birth to you, my sweet little boy - we are only just beginning.

heartbreak even

The mayhem that plagues the unconscious hours is riddled with the lies and deception I've run from for so long. I open my eyes, floating between reality and a dream I thought I could hold. The weight of gravity pulls me down, back to feet on the ground. I dream I've got this little girl, she has brown eyes... we're always walking to nowhere in particular. She holds my hand tightly, pulls me along eagerly... but then we get to nowhere and she's taken from me. I spend the rest of what seems like endless hours searching desperately to find her. Who took her? How did I let her get from my sight? Why can't I find her? ... and then I'm awake, and she's not real. She is just a brown eyed girl made up in my subconscious, left to haunt me. It's a long road to forgiveness, it takes a long time to heal. Sometimes, I wake up thinking if only I could stay asleep a little longer... I would be able to find her, grab her hand and never let go.

give me hope in the darkness

Dear Me, Strength has always been the one thing you believed you had none of. You are wrong. Look at where you've gone, from where you have come. Despite the odds, you have defeated the barriers placed in front of you and alone, have conquered most. Stop beating yourself up about the people who have let you down, they have only reinforced that you are strong enough to get back up. Some days, it will feel like all the cards are stacked against you. Some days, they will be. One day in the grand scheme of things is hardly but a pebble on the beach. Keep going, this too shall pass. When you feel like giving up, and that you'd do anything for a lent hand - turn to those who have always dropped everything for you and yours. Stop looking in dark corners for light, you will only find disappointment. Accept the things (and people) you cannot change, and look to the horizon. There is always something coming, always a new day. You are not useless. You are not stupid, or pathetic. You are not defined by the choices you have made in the past, but merely they have shaped your judgment for the future. Forgive yourself, for everyone makes mistakes. It is normal to slip up, to take steps back and do the same things over again. It's hard, and you are forgiven for giving in to temptation. Don't let the weight of broken promises, hurtful names and power struggle bring you to your knees. You can not change anyone else's mind, all you can do is keep being yourself. Stay true to the morals you hold, and be honest and forgiving. The people who matter, don't mind. And the people who mind, don't matter. You are doing okay. Keep going. It's lonely, and it's hard : but it will level out, and you will have a new found pride in how strong you really are. Love always, You.

it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame

what does it mean, the water?

the aching isn't lessened by the release of tears. sometimes you can only be so lucky. I wash my face in the cold water running from the tap, attempting to freeze them where the lay. I know it's important to take the bad, just as much so as it is to take the good. Today it is more than I can bare, and distraction is my best friend. Dive into the papers scattered at my feet, hope my mind will trail off into the pathway of learning. So hard to focus, so hard to stay awake. I let it crash over me like the oceans wave.. let it run down me and take me out. There is no point in fighting the pain - just let it flow through me, and take it as it comes. nothing can ever be the same again.

one step at a time

The days feel longer, and the cold is stuck in my bones. Can't warm up, can't stay awake. There is something so comforting about the grey of winter though, something that leaves me numb from all the rest of it. My movements are slow motion, and it feels like I am constantly waiting for something that won't come. I find myself wondering constantly what *needs* to happen, ignoring what should happen for the benefit of everyone. All the while, neglecting what should probably happen for the benefit of me. It's amazing to me how readily I will put my own needs in the back seat while I adhere to the needs of everyone else. I need to get back into the practice of self care - and stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks. The people who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

ghost in my mind

restless. things to do, goals to accomplish - and I am frozen in place, anxiety rushing in like a current of water flowing into the underground levels of a slowly sinking ship. no way to patch the hole, no way to stop the flow of water.. soon to be my demise. so I sit here, frozen and helpless - watching the water rise higher and higher around my feet. what an absolutely terrible feeling this is.

sunshine, red wine, reason to sing.

Some times the right answer, doesn't seem like the right answer. Life is tricky like that, always keeping you on your toes. My toes are cut up, sore and bloody. In fact, there are holes in my shoes, worn out from where i've been balancing on my tip toes. I know there is more to life than this, and that the fog is keeping me low. I have more to offer, more to do... it's time I found a way out. Some days I wake up, not really awake at all. Some nights, I sit here restless in a body that feels alien to me. I shift from person to person, without much warning. I wonder how hard that must be, for everyone watching. I'd challenge that it's harder to do, than to watch. Though, I shouldn't say hard... it comes so naturally. I am a professional shifter. And sometimes, it's just not an easy choice. These decisions will mold me, shape me, break me and hold me. I can't do anything but what I'm going to do, though. We knew that already though, didn't we? I'm the wind, and it's never really easy to hold on to something that you're not sure was ever really there in the first place. The right answer doesn't always seem like the right one, but only I never asked you to decide what's right for me... did I?

got an empty head that weighs 50 Lbs

"and I'm beginning to see some problems with the ongoing work of my mind" Words are a tool, and every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. I fight fire with fire, and I have a lot of anger. I thought I had a better handle on the problems I face regularly... but I'm starting to realize I actually have very little control. I'm a lose cannon, and my emotions rule my every movement. An escape is what I'm after, a moment of peace. Why is that so much to ask? I feel like I keep trekking through the wild and I just keep coming up in places I've already been, running around in circles with a lack of direction. I am so good with words, I can talk myself into or out of pretty much anything. and it's starting to take more than it gives, and im starting to wonder when the payoff comes - when do I find a reward for all of my sweat, blood, love and dedication? why isn't what I have a payoff? I keep asking questions like this white screen will have answers, like I will find my way through my writing - and at the end, I'm always at the same spot.... typing away into a screen with no reprise.

heal.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7jpxEziKfnQIi4Cbbuh_nyhzYP8hc4QmMQ999K6Ity74nDXHyNBVvvtdduG_tLsdPYz1amancD9KiO86iOsChswu3E3odTMI4NzJ5fXibrfKWwJ9HS9AlC7WnaivyUQaEFCYguaf9xfs/s1600/heal.jpg

they were right with the order of things, parenting alone is for the dogs.

so with everything aside, I'm literally falling apart. the pressure is too much, the expectations too high - and what is my most comfortable reaction? self destruction. I've never felt so lost in my entire life, so utterly and completely baffled by my every surrounding. sleep away the pain. and so I do, and get further lost in the abyss. I can only hope I come back, or if not - that they will be okay without me. I guess it's time for someone else to pick up the slack now that I'm finally failing.

not all those who wander....

the separation of head and heart. it's been a battle my whole life, i realize now. Ive never let the two coincide... never have I had the ability to let down my walls enough for them to meet. constantly waging wars on myself - and somehow, after everything... I am still worried what other people will think of what I do. Why have I ever been under a microscope? have I really made so many bad decisions that nobody trusts me to make the right one anymore? when did I give up the right to make that call? What does it say about me, when I am constantly worried about being abandoned? I am so worried, all of the time - what will be said, what will be judged ... I don't even give myself time to figure out what I want, or what's best for all of us. I let others opinions guide my choices. when did I get so lost....

Such a heart that will leave you to deceiving

proof is such a tricky thing. The evidence you need is sometimes unattainable, and often times it doesn't even exist - words are slippery and the past is but a memory. All we have is now. And tomorrow and the rest. And I often find myself in a state of "what's the point?" Why....What is in it for me? My whole world is devoted to doing and giving to other people.... why put more weight on my shoulders? Because that's who I am. Giving up is not something I do, and hurting people is not something I swallow easily. I always want to give. I want to make life a better place for people I care about.... but I'm left wondering... who cares if its better for me?

stop pretending, i'm so tired.

and there it is. that's what I was waiting for.. and why am i surprised? It was empty for me, it was nothing - I let my heart be cold, and didn't see the consequence. It won't be nothing for her. The fall will be quick, just like it was... it shouldn't hurt like this. It shouldn't matter... it shouldn't phase me. So why am I fetal positioned, sobbing? why am I unable to breath because the attacks come so strong, one after another. I hope you break her heart, too.

i tell myself.

you're in the dark, swinging. no matter how passionate, or how much anger you put behind the throw you always come up short. the result is never what you wanted, and you'll never make the mark. you take another swing, and you fall on your face. you wonder what it will take to make you quit. what are you after anyways? I ask myself. You'll never get what you are after. The end result will never be what you're hoping for. so how long until you turn on the lights, stop blindly taking shots and own up. yesterday is going nowhere, and tomorrow is slipping away too fast. wake up!!!! WAKE UP!!! you are only making it worse for yourself. stop fighting the nothing that's left, close the chapter, make peace with your anger and move on. you're heart can't take much more of this.

not that

not that it matters... but today was hard. not that it makes a difference... but this hurts so much. not that it changes anything... but I'm so tired. not that you will notice... but I've changed everything I am. not that I can stop it... but life is passing to quickly, and you're missing it. not that it means the world... but I will never stop fighting. one day at a time, and today it isn't enough.

me myself I got nothing to prove.

She's a fighter, they say. She'll be fine, she always gets through. And I do - but at what cost? What is left of me after all of this? Is living enough? What happened to quality of life? a mistake is a mistake is a mistake. So why am I just going through the motions? When does this become real... when do I wake up? Oh that's right - rhetorical questions don't have answers, and I am left to the demons. But of course, I can't say this is too much. I can't hide in my bed and cry out the pain... I get up, I force myself through each day - I look back wondering how we got so far in the days without even realizing I had slept and woke again. Wishing for something more, hoping for a better way : and I come up short, again. These words are empty, my head is full - and they say I'm a fighter. So I guess I will be fine, and I'll get through. I just wish I knew at what cost.