and away we go!

Weeks of preparation and planning - hours of decorating, baking, shopping and wrapping. All for only a day or two - a few memories to make, memories to hold on too. It's always a whirlwind, and I am always relieved to be done with it. Now, on the 28th of December I have disassembled the tree, taken down the decorations and stored it all away for another year - and I don't know if I even really let it sink in. It almost feels like Christmas didn't happen - but there is a sense of relief that it being over with brings, so somewhere deep I know it has. It's now on to the very overwhelming task of rearranging, organizing, and preparing this tiny space for the arrival of another child - another love-of-our-life. I have mastered the art of getting through.. seemingly without really processing what it is I am getting through. 33 days left... and I wonder how I have floated through the last 247? I wonder how I am going to complete the tasks ahead of me in such a short time frame. I've never had a completely devoted partner around when it came to raising a newborn - so just the thought of it makes me squirm with anticipation. It's all new, it's all completely unknown! Now, to start the races!

would you hear me if I told you? that my heart is with you now..

There is a place inside of me that I do not recognize. I find myself going there a lot lately - searching out the darkness I have seemingly ignored for the last 23 years. Perhaps its the place where everything I can't deal with goes - for it is very dark, very murky.. like thick fog. I find myself wanting to sit at the edge of it and breathe it in like life support. So many broken objects lying around - nothing I can seem to repair or make sense of. For so long I've let the business of fixing encase me - there was always something to repair, something to build up again. I've spent so much time on everything (one) else that I don't know how to fix myself anymore. I am floating outside of myself - watching the destruction, rendered unable to stop it. I foolishly let myself believe that once beat, the demons would leave me be. Somewhere amidst one of the biggest wars of my life, I forgot that life is a constant battle - there is always a hill to climb. I feel ashamed - where did I wander off too? I am stronger than this, stronger than who I've become. It's only a hill, only a challenge - when have I ever shied away from that? Somewhere along the way I forgot my willpower - forgot that despite the struggle to get up, there is always a rewarding decline. Perhaps the dark place has become so ever present to remind me of that... to remind me that it will continue to grow, if I don't start walking now.

selfish vs. selfless

By the time I was old enough to know how to care for others selflessly I was already a mother. I had already taken on the responsibility of caring, unconditionally loving, protecting and raising another human being - there was no time in between to be a selfish adult. I've never known the luxury of completely living only for myself - and having an agenda that revolves only around me. I chose to be a mother when I was still just learning how to embrace adulthood - and while choosing this, I gave up a lot of things that most 18 year old's wouldn't dream of. I gave up being selfish and I gave up living freely. Not only did my interests change, but so did my priorities. It has taken me some time to really understand that despite the best of efforts - it is truly impossible for anyone to fully understand what this kind of transformation is like and what it means, until you go through it. On the contrary, I've never been on the other end because I have been a mother for 6 years - long since anyone else I know would ever even consider taken the leap into parenthood. All I've ever been after is the understanding that I am always going to do what is best for my children - despite agendas, commitments and expectations of others. I will always make the best judgment call I can for my kids, before anyone else - including myself. That is what motherhood is, that is what it's like to live selflessly.

it just keeps getting better.

one week: butterflies, and kissing in the rain
one month: i love you.
three months: i will marry you.
six months: "daddy"
eight months: "will you marry me?"
ten months: move in together.
twelve months: surprise! we're expecting.

I wouldn't change a single thing. Forever and a day - despite the speed.

I love you more today than the first day I said it to you.

she says it's only in her head.

too dumb. don't think. not listening. don't understand.

whichever way I turn, whichever way I go with it - it's wrong. I don't know how I ever doubted where the suffocating anxiety was coming from - or the constant insecurity.

there's a 6 year old Katie, who lives within me - and currently, she has taken full control and left no residency for anyone else. and how can I not grant it to her? how can I tell her to go when she is called back constantly to defend her territory? I think it's only proper to let her find some solace, instead of traveling back and forth between persona's with not a moment's rest.

Surely, I sound crazy. I suppose by now, I must be.

present.

We can pass through days. We can live through moments. We can move along with the chaos of the events of our days. We can simply follow through with the duty of living, and not expect anything more. But when do we stop and realize what we're missing? When does it make us stop and notice everything we are just living through? I want to live it, not through it! I want to feel it - touch and taste it. I want to break down barriers with my own two hands and I want to walk the path less taken. I am worn down from the lull of the familiar - expecting things only to be let down, wanting things but holding back. I am so tired from watching my life go ahead of me, as I follow behind. I've been looking at myself in the mirror - picking myself apart, letting guilt rule.. when what I need to do is change my stride. I need to stop watching life, and start participating again.

"So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace"

throw away your anger

I don't mean to sound ungrateful - I don't mean no harm. I'm just after something I can hold on to, something that will leave a lasting impression. I don't want you to be someone your not, and I don't want you to try and impress. I just want real, I want raw - I want the basics. I can't say I understand the act of killing something just to hold the trophy, I don't understand the need to defeat your opponents. Give me conversation without the frosting - give me company without the expectation. Tell me how it is, tell me fears, tell me triumphs. Just don't give me bullshit - and don't expect me to hold back from calling you on it. I'm not here to entertain or make you smile - but I'll be glad if who I am entertains you, or if how I entertain makes you smile. Don't ask me to be something I'm not to fit who you think I should be, and I won't ask you to fit the mold of something that everyone expected of you. We are who we are, we will grow and shrink and grow again. We will fight and talk and fuck and fight again. But if there is raw, if there is gravel road to stand on - if there is conversation without the bullshit.. it's all good. It's all gravy.

the joys.

wired. my brain is going a million miles a second - and I'm all jittery. unfortunately I am completely unmotivated to actually do anything... and the heart burn that accompanies the jitters is disgustingly painful. who would have thought after 7 months of being coffee free - one cup would do this much damage. I wonder what it will be like once the baby is here, and I relax for a bit with a cold one. end up on the floor, no doubt. it's incredible what your body goes through to reproduce - what sacrifices (and beer and coffee are HUGE sacrifices) we make to make sure the fetus has a safe and pleasant ride through. leg cramps, morning sickness, stretch marks, heart burn, weakened bladder, migraines, braxton hicks, restless nights and discomfort aside - I really do love being pregnant. There is nothing in this world like it, and I'll never experience the same pregnancy twice. 25 months pregnant, 36 hours of labour, 30 months of breastfeeding combined so far - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

by now you should have some how realized what you've got to do.

I close my eyes, I hold my cheek next to your skin - and breath you in. There is nothing quite like the smell of your skin, nothing that makes me feel safer. We are bound to fall, fail, quit, get up, dust off - and begin again. Life is too messy for anything to ever be simple - life is to good to ever stop trying. It took me some time to understand what I was doing here, and some days I'm still not sure. With all odds stacked against us, I think we've done pretty good for ourselves. I wonder if it will ever be clear - if we'll ever be able to sail smoothly without tidal waves and rocky waters. I wonder if it would even matter? Maybe that's just part of the glue that keeps us holding... maybe it's just the way it's supposed to go. I can feel the intensity of the ever changing life we lead - it holds me tight, leaves me gasping for air. It's not the first though, and it's not the last either. I know that it has no barring on what we can accomplish. I can't help feeling like I've repeated these words so many times over, phrased a little differently because my mind was working on a different angle. Maybe it's a testament, a reminder to myself of what is real... what is pure and whole. It reminds me not to forget where we came from, where we are and where we are going. It reminds me not to forget how it's shaped us, and how it will continually change us. It reminds me of the ever changing, ever strong love and commitment - it reminds me of the me who you've helped me to discover.

silenced.

Listen carefully to the words that come out of your mouth, watch cautiously where you step - and be prepared for the road to come to a dead end. I've nothing to say, not a word that makes sense or brings clarification and resolution. Welcome to the dead end.

we're ordinary people.

The air was thick, it left a layer on my skin - I needed the outside. Bundled, and unprepared for the sting of cold on my face - I ventured outside in search of a different feeling. It didn't take me long to realize that the thickness would follow me where ever I placed my body, no matter where I tried to hide. In hindsight, the wide open air just left me feeling even more trapped and fearful. It is almost suffocating sometimes, the air inside these walls. I want so badly to feel like I can control the outcome and that regardless of what continues to happen around me - that I am able to steer the sails of my ship. Failure is always associated with the realization that I can't always decide which way we will sail, what obstacle's will get in the way - where we eventually end up. It doesn't just take me to man the ship - it isn't that easy. The fog is just so dense, so unruly - and I struggle with going in blind. One foot in front of the other, and a confidence in my step. Now if only I could rid my atmosphere of the thickness, and breathe a sigh of relief..

what've you been searching for?

My head is full to the brim of ideas and emotions - but I am still chasing after a place where it can be exposed. I am still wandering around waiting for a room to appear that I can sit, where I am conscious but confident - able to let it free fall out of my mouth and into your lap. I'm getting closer, I can feel it in my bones. You've been so patient, you've been so tired - it's been a long time. The weight of the world on our shoulders, the weight of our choices that follow - it's a lot to carry, it's a lot to hold on to. But it's alright, it feels okay - and somewhere beyond the fog that leaves us blinded to what is in front of us... I know there is a light of some kind. You keep me balanced, and let me explore the uncertainty - even when it is like nails scratching ruthlessly against a chalk board. It's not always easy - it's not always fun... but it is ours, it is strong and will hold. I will never give up on what is true, I will never turn my back on the long road. Hold my hand, kiss my lips, lay with me on cold nights, smile when I'm crying, be honest, tell it to me straight even if it will bring tears, be kind to the insecurities, be strong when I can't be - and in return, I will do the same for you. I know it's not always easy, I know it's not always fair - but together I think we have the ability to move mountains... and at the very least, take down those walls.

a little me

She beams with confidence every time she is faced with a challenge that is past her experience - she shines with independence as she tackles another battle that is beyond what her maturity level should permit. I don't remember what it felt like to get on a school bus and ride away from my mum - what it felt like as I traveled to and from school every day alone, without an adult sitting next to me and monitoring what I was doing. I imagine the bus ride is a very big part of her love of school - the freedom it presents her with, the ability to be her own person without the attachment of a mother, sister, father. She is able to find her own comfort with what she can and cannot do, what is proper and what is not. I still find myself watching for longer than I need as she rides away, wishing I could go with her - that there wasn't a part of her life that didn't involve me. We'll safely call that attachment parenting :) and despite my best efforts, she has grown up - become a little independent thinker, a strong minded human being... a little me.

a place way out back

There is a place, way out back - where no one ever goes. It's secluded and quiet, and extremely beautiful. It's a long trek to get there, and a rough one at that - and perhaps that's why no one ever goes there. I find that a lot of the time, we fear the voyage and don't realize how rewarding the final destination would be if we would just take the plunge and endure the hardships. I wonder when the reward becomes greater than the fear we hold on to so tightly... when the intrigue of the unknown outweighs the lull of the familiar. We have so many journey's to embark on, so many places to discover and explore - and yet, here we are - fearful of the long walk there. What are we so scared of? When did the grasp of "responsibility" hold us back from the joys and exhilaration of adventure? We all have a place, way out back - it's just a matter of taking the time and effort to go and explore... take a risk, a leap of faith - and discover! I carry the weight of my decisions, and am also rewarded by the choices I've made - but it's not an excuse to stop myself from living. It's not an excuse to fear the hike to the place way out back, it should be motivation that regardless of what the journey would throw at me - I would get there, possibly bruised and battered... but wiser, and readier than ever before to take on yet another challenge.

potty mouth.

FUCK.

SHIT.

STUPID.

BULLSHIT.

SHIT FUCK.

rawr!!

productive.

let it snow

The snow falls and a layer of clean and crisp is carpeted over the earth. The world looks new, untouched - free of the pollution and the rot, the garbage and the destruction. It is simple, and fresh - like a brand new ground to walk on. There is something unique about the first snow fall... perhaps its the realization that indeed it is now winter (despite the unseasonably warm temperature's we were having up until a few days ago). Regardless the reason, there is nothing quite like it. Coincidentally the first snow fall landed on the first day of my third trimester. So for me, the snow fall is a reminder of what this winter is bringing us. The snow means, just as the season is changing, so are our lives.

ours

It has been brought to my attention that despite my best effort, my subconscious has a hard time recognizing that I am not alone in this. I am unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings about what my body is going through or what is to come without claiming possession over *our* baby. I seem to forget that although I am the one experiencing the internal changes, everyone around me is experiencing the external - and that although this baby is residing inside of my body, my family is also deeply connected to him/her as well. I think that it's possible after all the uprooting and abandonment the girls have gone through, my subconscious guard is cautious. My possessive nature is also always on guard to make sure that my children cannot come to harms way, regardless of why or by who. It's a natural instinct to be protective, and being cautious just comes with the territory. However, when it is verbalized I do not feel the same possessiveness over this baby - and will happily use the "proper" terminology (ie. "our" and "we"). With time it will just come out naturally, and perhaps I am still adjusting to the whole idea of sharing. I have always been pretty selfish when it comes to sharing anything I care deeply about. Selfish, selfish me.

ninety one

I wonder if we as humans would make the sacrifices that come with pregnancy for any other purpose than to create another life. My body is round, and sore and unusual. My head is full, and I am too tired to create a thought past the basic day-to-day grind of thinking. I have constant heart burn and leg cramps, I wake up throughout the night because my bladder has been weakened to that of an elderly man. My clothes don't fit, my skin is stretched - I am uncomfortable more often than I can find comfort, and I am always hungry. I get pimples constantly, and my hair falls out more readily than ever before. My mood swings are unbearable, and I cry over commercials on TV. My brain is mush, and most of what I say is nonsense. I can't complete a full thought without making some kind of error - and I'm amazed that I've been able to fill up some of this page with words (mind you, I've been writing for 2 hours and this is all I've come up with...) It's all worth it in the end, which is why we push through. None of what I experience right now, will matter when I am cradling my baby and soaking up the pure ecstasy of having a new life in my arms. Bare with me, I am optimistically hoping I will give birth to my mind as well as my child in 13 weeks time. One can hope, right?

every tool is a weapon, if you hold it right

How do I even begin to explain the heart ache of another person? How do I tell a story I myself do not even understand, answer questions that have no answers? How do I relive the heartbreak of a child, for the sake of understanding. No one should have to understand such a weight, such a pain - so early in their lives. I want to help her understand what it means, and why we are where we are now. I want to help her grasp the concept of unconditional love - and why it went away. I don't know if I'll ever know the answer. I don't understand how anyone could ever walk away from a child, there is no rhyme or reason to it to help me explain it. I walk through the towering piles of boxes, all containing a piece of the past - a piece of the puzzle. It's all so much bigger than I know how to put into words, it's all so much bigger than my comprehension. I have not come to terms with the hate I have stored for her, the hate she can not yet understand or know how to feel. Who am I to hate for her? Her mother, her keeper, her guardian. Hating doesn't help me to get her through the pain we have to once again face, it doesn't help her to move on and forward. It doesn't help to wallow.

she says its only in my head.

The light crept in too soon, and the numbers on the clock were too far past where I wanted to find them. Your arms were warm, your skin smooth and the small of your back so inviting for the round of my belly. He moves so much when he can feel you close by. I could lay there forever, and shut off the world. Your lips kept me hanging there, as you rolled out of bed and up into the world of the moving people. I wish the people of the world would just stop moving for a little while. The darkness is not long enough when the sheets are that warm, and your body is next to mine. The roller coaster of our life has kept me in a constant state of motion-sickness, and until now, I haven't felt stable on my feet. My knees have stopped shaking, my head feels steady and I can see blue skies in the forecast. It feels like its been a long time. So much happening in such a little time, and I am constantly perplexed by times ability to catch me off guard. 15 weeks, and life as we know it will be forever gone. So for now, until those days have gone and I am waking up with a new life next to our warm bodies - I will stay close to yours. I will wake in the crevices of the dips and turns of your body, safe and warm. Pull the blinds shut, unplug the clock - and smile.