would you hear me if I told you? that my heart is with you now..

There is a place inside of me that I do not recognize. I find myself going there a lot lately - searching out the darkness I have seemingly ignored for the last 23 years. Perhaps its the place where everything I can't deal with goes - for it is very dark, very murky.. like thick fog. I find myself wanting to sit at the edge of it and breathe it in like life support. So many broken objects lying around - nothing I can seem to repair or make sense of. For so long I've let the business of fixing encase me - there was always something to repair, something to build up again. I've spent so much time on everything (one) else that I don't know how to fix myself anymore. I am floating outside of myself - watching the destruction, rendered unable to stop it. I foolishly let myself believe that once beat, the demons would leave me be. Somewhere amidst one of the biggest wars of my life, I forgot that life is a constant battle - there is always a hill to climb. I feel ashamed - where did I wander off too? I am stronger than this, stronger than who I've become. It's only a hill, only a challenge - when have I ever shied away from that? Somewhere along the way I forgot my willpower - forgot that despite the struggle to get up, there is always a rewarding decline. Perhaps the dark place has become so ever present to remind me of that... to remind me that it will continue to grow, if I don't start walking now.