Help, I'm alive

It's the hardest, when you think you have it under control - and you don't. I've got my mind made up, and I'm not going backwards again - and I'm sorry it didn't work like we had planned. It never does, though. Expect the unexpected and you can't be disappointed, and if you`re going to fall without a safety net... don't act so shocked when you hit the ground, shivering and stunned. I can't change the tides, though you know I've tried... or maybe that's it, you don't know that I've tried.Time changes everything, and life will surprise you continuously if you let it. I want to say I'd change it if I could, but the truth is I wouldn't - we're here for a reason, and if I've learned nothing else.. I've learned that I cannot force change against gravity. https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWNfumxLgITbRuED1mhKVhNAR6U35sEzcQwQA7gFhPmRB1Cl6nlCb7ucIXHTswQ64bknlKyHKnY0jFie-DZLTHBQmEGBb5Aq5lP6p_ltLarW1BdMmeJY0M91-3IylbSvJkmB52rL3uQR0/s1600/18sametime.jpg

out of my head

I wake up in a cold sweat, I panic, I can't figure out where I am. But I'm here, I'm always here... I'm just outside the realm of my normalcy. Like a bloody 1000ft wall... I stand on the outside, looking at what I've built. I crafted it so high and so tall, that not even I can get in now. I'm endeared, it's quite sweet - but you're wrong about me, and sooner or later you'll have to face that won't you? I'm out of my mind. Don't be fooled by the motions, by the smile on my face, by the life I lead - it will kill me, in the end, be sure. It's some terribly tragic tale of what could of been, and what should have been. It's out of my hands, I'll say... what's done is done. Truth is, I just can't. As soon as I've found myself at the starting line... to fight against the elements for what "should be" ... I just give up. The anxiety of the battle to come is too high, the stakes are too high, the probability of my fate is just too damn high. And I'm out here anyways, side by side - looking in and wondering what the actual fuck happened? How did that wall get so high? and how the hell am I going to get back inside?

For you are fearfully and wonderfully made

You left an impression on me, the day your parents drove up behind me and told me you were coming. I went to bed that night, tears in my eyes, fear and joy and love and excitement all deep within my heart. I watched you grow from the outside, as your mother's belly swelled and you moved around within the cocoon she had help grow just for you. I sat in amazement as this women I have shared every part of myself with started down the journey I have been walking for so long now (with her at my side, all the while). I was graced with her insight, her intuition, her fear, her love, her doubts, her dreams. She amazed me at every turn, and I began to realize that you were the source of this new part of a women I thought was already perfectly complete. I wanted so badly to be everything for your mom, that she has been for me - an impossible feat. Regardless of that, when the decision came that you were coming.. time froze. I was paralyzed by a feeling I didn't know could even resonate within me, a anxiousness I didn't know possible. I wanted to compare it to the feeling I had when my own children entered this world, but it was somehow different. This feeling came from somewhere else within me, and it held me... it still holds me. I sat, like all the rest, and waited... helpless. And so were your parents, for mother nature had plans unknown to us. And then after a day of restless and helpless pacing... your dad walked through those intimidating doors and with a look I'd never seen on his face before that moment, told us of your arrival. And I wept, and he wept, and everyone surrounding us wept as well. I went home, knowing that you had just changed the world of so many - including mine. I loved you long before I knew you, little boy. I will love you long after you are gone - and when I held you in my arms for the first time, I was overcome with the feeling of profound admiration. For your strength, and for your parents. I will do everything I can for you, at any moment for any length of time - I promise to love you, and protect you, and guide you and help you. I promise to be the person for you that your mother has been for your cousins (who love you more than I thought possible). Welcome to the world, child. We've been waiting for you <3 nbsp="" p="">
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmi3Dk1YAFI

the room is spinning now, darlin'

This black line, flashing at me... reminding me that more words are needed. more attention is required. more of me is never enough. I am overwhelmed and held down by the anxiety of the longing. Why can't it just be something I don't have to hope for? Should I have to ask? This isn't supposed to be done alone. This isn't how it's supposed to go. Always wanting more, always expecting nothing. I'm never disappointed that way. Except when I am, like now, when my mind needs to stay focused on the task at hand.... the black line blinks and reminds me there are words needed else where. It's due tomorrow, stop changing your focus, stop obsessing. You can't change them, not one single man. You can't change the tides... so focus, regain composure... focus.

you decide to be alone.

It could be so easy, if there were a way to switch it off. After a whole life time of looking for ways to numb it... shut it down - I have come to terms with my inability to do either. So I will listen to songs that make my heart ache and feel it all as it comes, and for once in my fucking life trust my gut and go with what feels right... not what everyone expects of me. Here goes...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB4X1XLiO6g

there is no saving the sinking ship.

Like clockwork, October comes and the wind is deep and chills me to the center - the sadness wipes me clean. Erases everything I had worked so hard to maintain... and I'm back to square one. It won't seem so strange anymore, to watch me struggle. I find reason inside that tells me I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about... it never wins over anxiety. I love my life so much and I know how much harder it could be - but that doesn't make how hard it IS any easier to cope with. I fight against the tide, and hope for the best. October is usually the start of my defeat, and the leaves fall around me and I am yearning. If you could fall in and out over and over and never fall so hard you broke, I wonder if you would. I wonder what the thrill holds, that the security does not. I wonder a lot these days, about this and that and what if and what not. It's only the start of something terrible, once my head gets wrapped up in those. The whatifs and whatnots and howcomes and maybes. Some time far from now, I will look back at the cold and think "it never lasts" .... my body is a waste land of emotions, and I am an open sore.

loveless

sometimes I'm so sure what I say is clear.. and again I'm not heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IhI87arSAE

the fortress

I pick up a pen, and the words flow like tears welled up deep inside. Hidden are the thoughts and promises broken, hidden is the truth amongst the ink on the page. I first came here in hopes to face my own darkest places, a public attempt at picking it all apart. Now, I know I won't do it here. I am guarded and fearful - the truth is not easy to face. I have, for good reason, built up a fortress surrounding my heart - and no matter how noble the attempt, you will not penetrate this place. For better or worse.. I will hold strong, and forgive the fallen soldiers. It can't be easy - wanting something unattainable for no personal wrong doing. I have my reasons, I have my demons, and I have these walls. The loneliness will hold me tightly, and I will pay till the end for my stubbornness. "Let yourself be happy" ... the price is to high, and I'm out of coins. This is what I've earned, this is what I've resorted too. You don't have to tell me, because I already know - I already live it, every day. Let it lie.

some days no words that come from me seem to make any sense, and I am helpless in explaining what I need to project. so I search endlessly for something to hold on to, relate to... something to make sense of this mess I keep finding myself surrounded by... time will guide me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpnItCSwje8

it's between the lines

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjB2hbMYIXo

I'm ambitious, when giving up

I let the water cover my skin, grasp me tightly and hold me. My mind turns off and I float off to somewhere quiet and untouched. I wonder about all the things I am holding on to, all the people who have come and gone. No one ever claimed innocence, certainly not I. Premeditated motions, avoidable. I wonder if that make's it hurt more.... I run the water hot, and it scalds my skin. I have to step out to catch my breath, let my heart slow down to normal pace. Nothing soothes like the steam and heat, nothing calms my mind as effortlessly. The movements that follow are slow, and I am pleased with the comfort I find in the emptiness. I won't let it hold me, but I will never let it go. Find a little spot for it somewhere deep, and let it rest there for as long as it takes to find my way back to the start. Forgiveness never comes easy.

I know one thing

Sometimes, when I think I've finally got a grasp on things, it all comes apart and I can't help but laugh. What do I honestly expect? I had the pleasure of meeting some new friends who knew nothing of me or my past or my present. The pleasure came in having a fresh perspective.. a complete virgin to Katie Watson. My most favorited reaction was "you've taken more than your fair share" ... but say's who, I asked. Me and fair never got on, anyhow. So let it be a lesson that when I seem to be on the right track, the derailment will happen momentarily. Expectations will leave you endlessly disappointed - but I assure you if you hold me to no standard, I may entertain... or perhaps even bring out a smile or two. I tried so fucking hard, it hurt. And nontheless, the wheels buggered up and lost their spot and now I`m sitting on the side of the line with a smoke and a strong drink of whiskey saying "well what the fuck did you expect?" I know one thing, and I know it so well - and even if it kills me, I stay loyal to it.

highest kind of high

The days are long, the years are short - and I sit here in the sun wondering if I will remember times like this. Cuddles full of dirt and sweat and popsicle mess. I cherish the moments that leave me warm and full of love, the moments that despite my worries are being recorded somewhere deep. It's time in space that make me appreciate all that I have, all that I have created. Three pure and beautiful lives that I have the privilege of riding along for. How did I luck out? the exhaustion and the stress float away in the wind, and I am left with the highest kind of high. I live to love, love to laugh, learn to love, and follow the cues - we only have one shot, it's time I made the best of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap88Nvq44uQ

but he don't recognize me anymore

A song to go with every mood, every epic moment in time. A phrase or lyric that will fit perfectly like a puzzle piece into my head for whats happening in front of me, within me, around me. Sometimes it's out of my hands and the best I can do is to let it go, and watch it fade. God knows I fucking tried, and I paid for my efforts. I dreamt of something unattainable, and I held on so tightly - maybe too tight. Life comes in waves and bad things happen, and all I can do now is learn. Who knew there would be so much to learn, so much to know, so many wrong decisions waiting to be made. If it brought me here, and it lead me to right - was it really that wrong? It's so hard to move forward holding on to all the baggage from my past... letting it go sounds so easy. I keep these boxes stock piled in the back, packed full of yesterdays. I seem to have missed summer all together, so missing spring cleaning seems to fit well. My head hasn't caught up to my heart, surprisingly; it's so often the other way around. I stopped blaming the accomplices, stopped holding anger and resentment - it's just empty now. It all happens for a reason.. not for some divine intervention, or because of fate... but merely to bring us to the next happening in time. It is just a sequence of events and you can do what you want with it, but it will be yours and when it comes to an end no one can own the roads you took and what aided your decisions but you. Own it.

and your past, it ain't lost on me.

Tiny steps. I'm cautious, and I'm nervous. It's been a long time coming, accepting that I deserve more than what I've accepted for so long. I wonder if I'll ever know how or why, or if like the rest, it will wash away with time as I move forward. I let go of what I've held on to for so long, and proceed with the walk on this tipsy balance beam of life. I keep falling, and no matter how hard I try my balance is off. Commendable that I keep getting back up, and trying again. I can't stay down, even though for so long I tried to. I wanted to keep you company, I wanted to make sure you were okay. In the process, I stopped making sure I was. Never sure completely, about anything. Constantly in a state of wonder, of deciding. I have to let go of something I never had to begin with, and start in a different direction. I expect these thoughts are just words on a screen and it will never fully resonate. I hope that it will merge into something I can handle, that it will ease into the routine of what is. I can't ask anymore.. what is there left to ask? ... and I know that what will be, will be...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cITPH-51QZw

The Orange Rhino Challenge

Today is the day I stand here and admit that I am ashamed of myself. Now, I haven't come to this realization for sympathy or a courteous "you're doing a great job"... because the fact of the matter is, I'm not. I am a yeller, I do it often and without thinking. I yell so much, that before I have even made a move after an accident or wrong-doing, my kids are anticipating my fury. I am less engaged, and less interested in everything that involves them because of it. I have seen the fear in my child's eyes, and I have seen the damage it has caused in our relationships. I am short-tempered, irritable and frustrated - and although that is part of motherhood.. kids are just kids. While they make a lot of mistakes... they are human, and humans make a lot of mistakes. It comes down to: I don't like being yelled at, so why do I ever think it's okay to do it to them? So today, I start my challenge. I am putting my phone down more often, and leaving the computer turned off. I am focusing my energy on our lives, as they are the only ones I can make any changes with. I am publicly declaring here and now, that I do not accept this part of me. It isn't who I am, and it has got to go. The four of us are a team, and in order to beat the odds we have to work as a team. We can't do this when one of us is always on the verge of a meltdown. I ask that as my friends and family, you help support me through this. When I am about to lose my temper and let our a yell, acknowledge it. Help me be aware of the rage that overcomes me, and help guide me through this change. I love my kids more than life itself, and the last thing I want from them is fear. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be, and the last thing I want to be is a yeller.

no better time then the present

I search for an answer, some clear cut decision. I've not yet trained my heart to know that it is never clear-cut. So I subconsciously wander around... hoping for something to point me in the "right" direction. I ponder, and wonder, and hope for something that will guide me out of the darkness that I seem to be wading through. I can't help but question how after all this time, after all the different paths I've taken, I have not learned the art of patience. All I've got is time, and every day is a new chance to do something with it. Shift out of reverse, and get on with it... there's nothing stopping me, but me.

Now I'm feelin different.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm2n-zm7zQg

This wall

Do you see this wall? It didn't come up overnight. It was built grudgingly after too many anxiety attacks caused for no reason other than to prove a point. It was inspired by the broken heart left in the puddle over and over. It has my blood and sweat and tears worked into every brick, layer after layer. Do you see this wall? It didn't come up in a day. It took me years of pain and anger and hurt and frustration, it took courage. This wall wasn't put in place to keep people out, it was built to protect the four of us. It was built to make sure the war stayed on the other side, and we could recoup over here. It was never meant to cause anger, never meant to cause harm. This wall, though tall and strong, was put in place to be breached. I built a door, somewhere along the wall. Be warned that the door is locked, but that genuine kindness alongside trust and honesty is the key. This wall did not come up in a week, for it has taken me years to build, I took breaks along the way. Breaks where I let others join me on this side, only to be burned. Be warned this wall is strong and tall, but it wasn't meant to stand in place forever.

and I'm gonna leave this town

A lot can be said for a blast of hatred. It puts confused emotions into perspective, and reminds you that you are standing on your own two feet... no help. I don't know if it's a good thing that I am always forgiving.. but at least when I get burned after trying to make peace, I am self-aware enough to walk away. Sometimes, there's really nothing left but the end. Sometimes, you really just have to let it lie. Famous last words, that I keep having to remind myself of. Keep going, one foot infront of the other... don't let it bring you down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En6iNoyqI_E