masochist

Restless nights, restless heart and mind and soul. I can put on a strong face, but behind it I am dieing. I struggle to switch positions, force the ready-made women inside of me to come forth and take charge of the three lives who have been left in my care. I find the nights hardest, when the rooms are dark and the emptiness is suffocating. What do you do when there's nothing left, when everything you have has been expended and you've tried every thing you know how, and it just never equals more than the same run-around that has become almost calming after so much time. I find comfort in knowing that despite the destruction, I can count on the numbing of your voice through the receiver reprimanding me. I can count on the disappointment, the pain, the tears - and when there's nothing else to count on, you take what you can get.

Ive been away, alone, this season.

and it only takes a moment, though I thought it would take longer. and maybe it was never meant to be, maybe we fell for something that was never really there to begin with. I wonder if you feel like a fool, for I know I am one. I wonder if it ever really mattered. and some days the constant lag is too much to bear and I feel myself slipping. and now I'm scared, to face the days that will come. but it only took a moment, and I knew it was dead.. it was laying there, on the floor at my feet. I thought it would take longer, than that.

I can't make you love me if you don't

thoughts buzz around, bashing into the interior of my skull - begging to be freed. what's the worth of a thought, an emotion so pure it stains my lips red as it leaves my mouth..? what a sad state to find yourself in, where speaking has lost its ability to free you of the weight you carry. and so my lips are sealed and my heart is smashed and scattered about. my back is broken from all the years of picking up the pieces, and my cheeks have carved paths from where the tears have fallen in a steady stream. The privilege of a companion is so sweet, so easily taken for granted - until you find yourself alone, in a dark corner of a place you hardly know. All I can do is wander around in the darkness, bashing into walls and falling to my knees ... waiting for the light to come on again. I have to keep telling myself that it will come on.. it will come on :(

take flight

The harsh reality - someone who squanders your ambitions, and mocks your attempts at bettering yourself... doesn't actually love you. I woke up this morning, and realized this. The cold hard truth of something I wanted so hard to believe in, is really just a show. Just an attempt at normalizing something that has gone too far, has been too cushioned. I keep letting this naive hopes of a better future together cloud the reality that it is going to be a very long, hard, grueling road. What I need to remember is that, despite the rough beginning... every trail even's itself out eventually. It will be hard for awhile, I'll be stressed and scared and lonely and frustrated - but that will pass, as we all adjust to a new, better, healthier lifestyle. Don't try and hold me down, I'm only just beginning.

hope it's nice where you are

caught, somewhere between the surges of emotion that will pull me under at a moments notice. the hardest thing I've done yet, is coming back up for air - force myself to the surface, because I can't just give in. and so, I will let the tide eventually wash me up on shore. I just need to make sure, that I keep breathing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kALSETZ9ngk&feature=bf_next&list=FLoxe3Yc5_jovNxeQ9nA1oDA&lf=plpp_video

should-have-beens

joining the ranks of women (and men) who sit alone on this day, every year - mourning. the loss, the never-was, the should-have-beens. the whatifs and onlyifs playing through over and over again in my head like a tape reel. and what good does it do? left unsatisfied and distraught just like the memories floating through my mind. I don't suppose I'll ever know just why it came to this.. it's so far gone, so past my peripheral vision. the haunting realities of not being enough to deserve more, not validated in my demands to render better. So if I lay down, close my eyes and keep still .. it can't touch me. The surges of pain and regret will course through me, just enough to keep me rooted in the place I lay.. but not enough to pull me under. Maybe for a day, I can hope for something more than this.

and all of the moments that have past we will try and go back to make them last

I've haven't had to walk on my own two feet in a very long time. I've so easily taken the hands which guided me through and let me have it easy. When I recently told someone that I haven't had a "real" job in over 4 years, they were in disbelief... how did I manage that? On one hand, I am really good with money - on the other? someone has always picked up the slack for me. Maybe that's where I've went wrong - believing that someone else would always help me through. It's time now to find my way, without someone leading it for me. It's time to stand up, and create my own journey - find a new independence that I have always so easily surrender to someone more willing to take on the task. Where has that left me, though? In a spot I never wanted to be - because I let someone else direct me here. You will probably sit there thinking, that's it then - this is done. I only see it as just beginning. Putting the past away, and starting over. Admit to the failure - we failed. We tried (whether it was our best or not, remains to be said) and it just wasn't enough. All we can do is try again. Leave the path we came from, and start off in a different direction. There's no use crying, it won't change our fate - it's time to get up and make a fucking difference.

a moment in time

How to articulate something so big, with so much attached? I often find myself at a loss to effectively communicate what I'm thinking.. maybe I'm just not doing it right. I am often left in a place to second guess my decisions and feelings.. it's a very destructive place to be. and I know nothing but being last to someone who I always put first. Now, in time of despair and tragedy I am realizing that in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone else I need to have a healthy understanding of my own self. I don't know who I am anymore.. when did I lose it? ...What I do know is that I need some help, I need some understanding... I need some time. How am I to care for another if I cannot, firstly, care for myself? I sit on the sidelines watching myself deteriorate.. watching myself fall, get back up, get knocked down, get back up, get pushed down... get back up. And so all I'm asking for is some peace. Some moments in time to devote to getting back to a place where I am able to love me first. What else have I ever asked for? What have I ever taken for myself? I give, and I give, and I give.... and it's not enough, it's never close to perfect. So give me the time, with no reservations. Give me the peace, that I've worked so long and hard for. Give me the respect, that I have not only given, but that I deserve. It is not about yesterday, or tomorrow - it is about a moment in time, that is mine alone. When you're at the bottom, there is no way to go but up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eX7nMCRSqJU&feature=g-all-u&context=G216118bFAAAAAAAABAA

fool

how can you be so angry if your so sad? The crippling sadness that I know, does not leave room for ferocious animosity. so I can't help but feel like I am going to fall into another trap to get me where you want me. Make me vulnerable, make me weak - and wait until I feel helpless again.. put on the mask of someone who would do anything to make me happy. and the moment I agree, you'll turn and run away. It's so easy to play nice long enough to fool.

one foot infront of the other, you can't stop me now.

Who am I fooling, really? The ones who know me, love me - know this is not right. They know I'm not right. I walk around defending my actions, pleading for a clean slate. I want it to all disappear and fade to black so that I can just move forward. Always moving forward, forgetting yesterday and hoping for better tomorrow. Where am I when the day ends? In the pit of blackness I have create for myself, begging forgiveness.. begging for a light of some kind. I am waiting for this person who doesn't exist - and I am still surprised when he doesn't come around. Made a fool. So whose to say I am not entitled? Let me fade to the blackness. After all of this time, always getting the worst of the people who get the best of me - I'm defeated. I welcome the pain, because somewhere inside of me I believe I must have done something to deserve this.. at some point in the elusive 'time' of life I have done something awful to render all of this pain. So I will sit back, watch the flames - and wait it out. Pack up my bags, wipe away the tears and dirt and pain... and keep moving forward.

the caring

to understand what you are going through as an individual, you must first try and understand how you got there. every event plays a part in the place you have come too, and you must find it within yourself to be open to the demons that come. there is no fault in trying to be a better person. and when the walls come down, and you are naked and broken on the floor - all of your errors will be highlighted, your demons will fly free and your tears will flow. but nothing new can come from a broken heart, so you first must feel out who you are. there is no chance of a better future without a better person to start from. caring is something that is second nature to me - and not a moment goes by in my day that I don't think about somebody else. I care more for others then I care for myself, and that's one of our biggest problems. I put you, and everyone else before me ... so how am I to be the best for anyone, if I'm last? The damage that has been done is so big, so irreparable.. and nothing is ever guaranteed. all we can do is try and if you've decided you quit, I can't change your mind. I am always going to try and be better, always try and be happier - and I'm never going to settle for less than I deserve again. If that means that I don't care about you, in your mind, then I hope you find someone who accepts that.

reconstruction.

All the words have been written, the plea's have been made, and the tears have been shed - I can't tell you I'm anywhere different now. This place is grey, and in it everything moves slowly. So I will carry the weight of the world, and hold myself strong for the ones who need me too. And when night falls, and the house is quiet and the floors creek under the weight of my step - I will weep. I will say my goodbyes to the life I created, to the person I built from the rubble of my past. I will be better, I will find peace - I will start building again.