it all happened one night..

My overactive imagination actually causes me more harm than it does good. I am such an advocate for "using your imagination" but for the most part, mine just leads me into dark and ugly places that encase me, and leave me feeling alone and scared. I woke up to the police at my door at 630 am this morning, inquiring about my neighbor. He left one of his dogs out all night (unlike him, and especially only leaving out one - as he has two and they are inseparable)They couldn't get him to answer the door, and so they started to worry, naturally. I don't know what ended up happening, but his mom is there now and the dog is inside. However, the point of this is - once the police left and I *tried* to get back to sleep I laid there, going over every scenario in my head of what might have happened to him. This is where my imagination turns sour, because I start creating terrifying and awful scenarios. I won't go into detail, but they always involve someone being murdered or raped or both. I would like to skip these thought process altogether, but the simplest thing can trigger them - as simple as a creaking sound coming from the basement. It really takes up so much more of my energy than I'm willing to spare - it's just a matter of mind over matter I guess. Regardless, I am now very sleep deprived because naturally once I could finally turn off my brain and fall back into dream world - the girls woke up and demanded my immediate attention. Now to bake a cake, get the groceries and get to shoppers to pick up medication. Oy vey - can't I just go back to bed?

waaaaaah.

Im feeling terribly sorry for myself. All my body wants me to do is lay in bed, and sleep. All my kids want me to do? get up! play! dance! run! sing! and jump up and down! I wish I could explain to these sweet little terrorists that no, in fact I cannot do these things because I do not have the energy of an energizer bunny. I am tired, I am sick, I am done. Like dinner, or lack there of. They also don't understand why I am stern, and unappreciative of the "lake" they made with the knleenex all over my living room. There are so many trials and errors with parenting, and being sick definitely makes them obvious! This is also why our culture is so EFFED!! We are supposed to live in small exclusive villages, where everyone helps out and lends a hand. In a perfect world my mother, and father, and sister and brother would all live within 5 minutes walking distance so that when I reach this point of no return there is a hand to take the girls so I can recoup. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of help - much more than many other young mothers I know. I am also extremely grateful for such kind and helpful people in our life! *My* issue always ends up being that I struggle to ask for help, in every aspect. I think I need to get over that...

for you are fearfully and wonderfully made

5 years; 80 months; 260 weeks; 1825 days.

what an honor, a privilege, it has been raising you. I can still remember, the feeling I had pulling you from my body and up onto my chest where you opened your eyes and shrieked at me as if to say "here I am mum!" I was really only a child myself, but that didn't change the instant unconditional love that poured from my heart. Nothing has been the same since, and although we have had our fair share of bumps and dips in the road we call life - it was been such an amazing journey with you so far. I look eagerly into the paths that are to come, and am so excited to do it all with you. You are a wonderful, inspiring, adventurous, smart, inquisitive, wondrous, beautiful, caring, sensitive, compassionate, loving child; and I am so proud of everything you have become. Thank you for guiding me through parenthood, and helping me to grow alongside you. You have changed my world, and I am forever grateful for who you are.

Happy 5th Birthday Emma Susan <3 I love you more than I will ever know how to tell you.

mumma xoxo

I wanna go down every road you've been

I want so badly to feel like it is all coming together. I want to hold on tight, and not let go - feel secure in our plans and ventures and believe that it will all pan out. Negatively I stand here feeling like it will all fall apart, and nothing will go as planned. I guess it's just what Im used to.. but even as I type that I can hear you saying "sure it's what your used to, but it's not what you know now... so stop it." and your right, I know that. It's almost like I subconsciously cling on to the tragedy, and can't believe that anything could possibly work out for me. Then my bipolar kicks in, and I'm looking into the future - seeing everything in a positive light. It's amazing to me you've stuck around, asked me to marry you, and want to do this for the rest of our lives. I'm a bloody yoyo, and I can never make up my mind. It's a wonder anyone puts up with me, actually.... but you in particular, amaze me. So much to take on, and yet you do it with such grace. You never seem to loose sight in whats important, and you have a way of helping me see the beauty of whats to come, and what is. That, with so many other reasons, is why I know that marrying you is whats right. We love you, very much - thank you for guiding me through the desert.

Hallmark can kiss my...

I'm not sad that your gone. I'm not angry that you left. I'm not hurt that you never called. I'm not discouraged that you couldn't care enough to come for her. What I'm sad about is the wasted time. What I'm angry about is the lies. I'm hurt that I let myself believe you were my best friend. I'm discouraged because she still misses you.

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will, so don’t worry about the people from your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it into your future.

I'm a better person because your gone - and everything happens for a reason. Changing anything from my past would mean I would not be where I am right now, and for that - I wouldn't dream of such a thing. I don't need a designated day, to share my love to the important people in my life - but I will take the opportunity to thanks the ones who have stuck around. The ones who, with eyes closed shut - took so many leaps with me off those cliffs..."just praying that it wasn't shallow, and the rocks were sparse". I would not be who I am today without you all - and I appreciate and love you all very much. <3 thank you.

the morning of...

"mummmmma! muuuummmmmaaaaaaaaa.... MUMMA!!!" I hear, as I lay half asleep in my very
warm cocoon. I keep my eyes closed, and let the sound of her hailing sink into my sub-conscience. I tell myself 'get up before Emma does.. make your body move.' It doesn't want to listen, and somewhere inside my head another Katie is telling me to just fall back asleep 'she'll be fine, she's in her crib'. That Katie never wins, she's very selfish and very lazy - she rarely even pokes her head out anymore because of the constant rejection she is met with. I open my eyes, remove my feet from the crevice of blanket they have buried themselves in, and onto the cold and unwelcoming floor beside my bed. This is always the hardest part, thrusting my warm body into the cold of my home. My eyes are hardly open, as I stumble my way into the room next to mine. I am greeted with a very large and eager smile, and it is nearly impossible not to be infected with the happiness that is a child in the morning. So full of energy and life, I feel discouraged for not instantly feeling the same. Alas, my body is still not ready to do my duties - so I grab Sophie in both arms, hold her close and wisp her back into my room for some cuddling. She obliges for a moment, then pokes her head up from the crease between my arm and breast and inquires as to Dad's whereabouts. My answer is never good enough, and she looks at me with a pout and says "uh-oh". She does not like it when he's not here to cuddle in the morning too, and I wish with all my might that I could explain that those days are coming. Soon enough, he will always be here, and mornings will once again change. She takes what I give her, but decides that being in my bed is no longer satisfactory and hopes off the side and into the living room. She quickly returns with a movie case, and with her very sweet demeanor she encourages me out of bed once more to fetch her a snack and some juice, and to start her movie. My actions prove to be good enough, as she settles into her chair with her animal crackers and water bottle - she quickly forgets about me, and intently watches the screen in front of her. A part of me so very much wishes she had no interest at all in that box, but I've already made my bed with it, and now I must lay in it. I sneak back into my room and take refuge in the warmth once more, one eye open and both ears cocked, just to be sure. Moments later, I hear Emma stir and within seconds she is in the living room greeting her sister with a smile, a hug, and a kiss. They are very lovely towards each other in the mornings, and it restores my faith in the knowledge that one day they will be best friends. I can't help but feel nostalgic as I lay here, thinking of Lise and I as young children - the fighting, playing, confiding, and comfort.. there is nothing quite like a sister. Emma stops for a moment to observe Sophie's positioning in the living room, the snack and movie.. and decides to come greet me as well. She hops on top of me and immediately, just as her baby sister did.. inquires to his whereabouts. My answer again, does not suffice and it leaves me feeling a bit discouraged. I wish he would have come, but at the very same time I understand why he didn't. Emma lays with me for only a moment, tells me she must go to the potty but that she'll "be right back mum, don't worry!" Of course, she doesn't return for as she enters the living room once again, the movie playing on the television screen captivates her attention. She happily settles down beside Sophie and quietly they watch together. I look at the clock, it's only 7:08 - and I wish I could go back to sleep, but I know better and once again force my warm feet onto that cold floor. This time, I rummage around in my drawer for some pants and some socks and this makes the task at hand much more bearable. I walk into the kitchen, put the kettle on and set out my mug, tea bag, milk & sugar. I'd prefer honey, but haven't bought any in some time now, I'm not sure why.. I stand waiting, and the water boils fairly quickly (quick enough that I can stand in the kitchen waiting for it). I put the tea bag in the mug, pour the boiling water over top, and head to the washroom to relieve myself. By the time I'm done, the tea is ready and I pour in too much sugar and just enough milk. I'm satisfied, and so I bounce back to the bedroom and turn on the lappy - tap my fingers impatiently a few times (this darn thing always takes far to long to load up) and get bored of waiting so I head back to where the girls are and load them both up with plenty of kisses and cuddles. My happy bubble is then burst as Emma starts a squabble with Sophie about "being too close" and I retreat to my bedroom once more, to tell you all about the start to my day...and this, is my life. I can hear Emma in the background, srceaming about the recorder Sophie is wailing on being "TOO LOUD!" (as if her screaming about it isn't?) so I must go and mediate... happy saturday.

pain,pain, go away - please eff off and leave me alone

BLEGH. This wretched illness will be the end of me. I have an awful migraine, a sore throat, a plugged up sinus - and to top it off, two very cranky and annoyed children who want me to be full of energy and ready to take on the day with them. Mother's should not be allowed to get sick, this is complete horse shit. I just want to go back to sleep - and have someone bring me OJ and soup. Unfortunately for me, the person who would do that for me is also sick, and is off to work in an hour :( *sigh* it's NOT fair!! **devil on my shoulder says - suck it up princess, life is never fair** At least we're getting it out of the way now, before Emma's birthday. That doesn't really make me feel much better - but from past experience, I know this is a good thing. I feel awful for it, but nap time is going to mean I am going back to sleep - and Emma is watching 'UP' on the laptop next to me, with a bowl of cheesies and a juice box to keep her happy. Call me terrible, I'm okay with that. Hoping your Friday is better than mine! cheers (or not..)

daddy's little girls

Today, on her own accord - Emma called Tim 'Dad'. It came as a huge surprise to me, and sensing my hesitation she became embarrassed and reserved. The conversation could no longer be avoided, and so we sat down and mulled over where we both stood with it. Emma is such a sensitive child, and with that I am always on edge about her reactions to change. I was very impressed when she very boldly exclaimed that she did indeed, want to call Tim 'Dad' from now on. I explained that there was absolutely no pressure to do so, and that Tim did not mind whatsoever either way - that he would love her regardless. She continued to explain that she wanted him to be her Dad, and so in turn she wanted to call him the proper name to suit such a role. It came so naturally with Sophie that there wasn't even a required thought pattern - it just happened, and we went with it. Emma is almost five - which led me to believe, she might not ever adjust to the abandonment from Ian and find a comfort with Tim. I am once again, in humble amazement of her ability to cope, heal and grow from life's unexpected upheavals. I have this incredible sense of comfort and stability since that conversation - and I can truly feel like we are our own family now. One mile stone after another - it never stops, and I am continuously amazed by what life gives me. happy hump day people!

screw you, little pink pill.

I'm not fun anymore - the girls don't even like baking with me, because I'm too high maintenance. Maybe its just today - or maybe I'm just being over emotional because of this DAMN birth control. Like, are they kidding me with this stuff? I'm all over the feckin map - one second I'm happy, and the next I'm crying over spilled milk. Its bloody exhausting - and in my humble opinion... SO not worth it. I'd rather just keep having babies, thank you very much! Again, not very realistic (who said being realistic was important anyways? idiots.) So I am sad that neither of the girls had ANY interest in baking Uncle Mikey some brownies - and in fact, Emma told me "I just don't feel like hanging out with you right now". She's not even 5... I'm so utterly and completely screwed. It could have something to do with the fact that today was a school day which equals an impatient, grumpy and exhausted T1. Sophie is also sick - I found out this afternoon after she woke up from a nap with a fever and proceeded to fall back asleep on my chest for nearly two hours. She's happily munching on an apple right now though, only the second thing she has eaten today (an orange was the first). She's went through at least 4 cups of water and juice though. Poor little thing, poor tired Emma, poor overwhelmed & emotional mum. It's almost bed time though, and I'm going over to Tim's to start crunching the numbers and making a solid wedding plan. Jealous? I thought so.

skinned knees, skid marks -

the innocence of my daughters smiles leaves me perplexed and nostalgic. I want to get grasp on time, and hold tight with both hands so that it cannot escape me anymore. I want to rewind the clock and listen closely as Emma said her first sentence again or go back and pay closer attention to the look in Sophie's eyes when she realized the ability her feet and legs gave her. There is always something more I could have done in a day - whether it be taking an extra 10 minutes to play blocks, or cuddle a little longer in the morning before getting up and starting the coffee. I'm not sure where I went wrong - but I've some how found myself here, wishing and waiting and wanting. The Katie I know, and love, wouldn't bother waiting - or wishing. She'd just change it. Life has weighed me down, and it is such a fight to stand tall and hold my head high. A little bit longer, a little bit stranger - I'm sure I'll find my way back. No one said it would be easy... but no one said it would be this hard.

ouuuuuch.

kidney stones = pain, worse than labor. I was fetal positioned, on my bathroom floor - wailing. An ambulance ride to the hospital later, and the stone was passed and I was exhausted. Thank goodness for Grandma & Grandpa who came to my rescue, and took the girls for the night so I could rest. Tim & Janice were my saving grace, taking care of me and making sure I was okay in the end. It was a brutal experience, one I hope to not have to go through again. At the very least - it gave Tim an idea of what child birth is like? hah! Child birth is pain that is easier to work through because something amazing comes from all the work - with kidney stones, it's just pain :( Thankfully it's over now, and I am recuperated. Busy weekend, once again - and I find myself wishing that for a day off where there are no expectations or requirements. It just keeps getting busier too - next weekend the porch reno's are commencing, and the week after that - my bathroom is being ripped out. This means we are taking up temporary residence in Tim's apartment - so lot's of work to do before then :( *sigh* suppose I should go do the laundry, and shower... and do the dishes... and play with Emma *hopefully* all before Sophie wakes up from her nap. woot woot - so much for TGIF.

come on baby, give me a kiss that'll last all week

we can blow up. we can explode. we can yell, and scream, and cry. and everything is alright - because we are here with no expectations. I take in everything - and breathe it in and out, digest every particle of our dispute... and come out with a resolution. I'm still learning you, and you are still learning me - and everyone will say "maybe you should wait" and I have no explanation for why we won't, nothing that is substantial or satisfactory. I can't find words, to explain how I know this is whats next, and why its right. So let them doubt, let them feel scared and unsure. I will confidently grasp your hand in mine, and take every leap that we must into our future. I'm excited, mixed with terrified & nervous. Happy mixed with anxious and exhilarated. I couldn't have given you an explanation 2, 5, 10 years ago - as to what this would feel like... and here I am, still unable to explain. The rest of our lives, is where we'll go together - and I now understand the feeling of not being able to see any of it happening, without you at my side. Fiance, Partner, Lover, Friend, Confident - call it whatever you want, but I love you and that's what matters.

she's been a real good girl, but now she's stuck here

Ive got a lot to do, and Ive got a lot of time to do it. I am young, and naive - I am old, and wise. It's all perspective, sort of like - whether the glass is half full or half empty. My mind is restless though, and I feel like I need distractions. I did buy some canvas and paints today - and it was very inspiring to have them in my possession. I can just imagine what I can create - and its very exciting for me. I so very rarely spend money on myself, and treat my creativity. I'm on a kick of wanting to make everything for the wedding too ... "I'll just find a pattern, and make my own dress" or, "I'm not paying someone else to do my invitations and favors, I'll do it myself!" Little do I seem to realize (since "dreamer" Katie seems to be taking the helms of wedding planning...) that I already have a full time job, with another one scheduled to start in September - plus planning a shag & wedding. See? This is why I start "stressing" so early - there really is a lot to do. Life is already busy.. it's a whirlwind, in fact. I would just like to put on some loud music, close my eyes, and dance around without a care... because in the end, we all die anyways. I've only got one life to live - let's live it to the fullest. *smiles* it can always be turned around, you just have to cock your head a bit to the left!

send me on my way

it's cold, and the cold would be so much more bearable if it wasn't so harsh. I step outside and my face is blasted and stung by the bitter wind. How can I make these two wander out into the angry weather, if not even I can force myself to do so? So alas, we are staying inside on this bright Monday morning. Perhaps this afternoon we will brave the cold - and venture to somewhere with some mystery and excitement. I get bored between these four walls, so I can only imagine how it must feel for Em & Soph (t1 and t2 - forgot about that!) Emma has been so very emotional the last couple of days. Not her usual angry self either, but the sweet sensitive Emma I remember before her world came crashing down. I truly believe she is starting to find peace, and is accepting our "new" family instead of holding on to old memories. Her comfort with Tim and his relationship with all of us grows by the day - and she is now on a kick of asking "when can Tim come live with us mum?". One day at a time, is all we can do - and slow and steady is all we can ask for. Sophie knows nothing but the four of us though. She wakes up asking for Dad... she goes to sleep asking for Dad... and everywhere in between, she wanders around searching for him. When he's home though? Mum only. Kids are funny like that - they always want whats not accessible at that moment.. I suppose that rings true for most of us though. For now, we will wait patiently until we can all live together as the family we now are. And in the mean time, planning, planning and MORE planning. Happy Monday.