it never gets easier, it just shifts...

I can sympathize with the social normative ideals surrounding reproduction. A nuclear family creates the perception of a supportive and loving unit in which children feel secure. What throw's a wrench in this ideal is when there is no security, when the love is gone and the only support is the support you give yourself. I so badly wanted to believe that I had created that, and put myself through hell and back to maintain that identity. I often get questioned as to why I let it go that far, why that when I knew it was bad, I didn't walk - before it got to "worst". This. What I feel every time my son is gone, is why I stayed. Every time I do something without him, and the girls and I cannot deny the heaviness that weighs us all down... that's why I stuck it out as long as I did. I never wanted to have to be away from any of my kids, not like this. So now we go through the motions, and wait for his return. I know in my heart, that what I did was the right thing - but what I feel in my heart when he is gone, is not something I can describe. Thankful for short hours, until you come home x

so I walk like I'm on a mission, cause thats the way I groove. I've got more and more to do, I've got less and less to prove

my heart is smiling, my soul is fulfilled, I am happy x
oh, the places we'll go.
don't forget to breath.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMGJhPO0fUo

I am thankful...

to have finally really started to accept...

https://postsecretdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/walls.jpg

it's only getting brighter <3 br="">

life is just too short ; boxes

at times I like to walk in circles, it puts my mind at ease.

I like to go through things aware and do just as I please.

I know it could be easier, I could follow like a dog..

but I prefer to find the fresher air then to remain dazed in the fog.

Life is just too short, you see? and we have no time to spare.

I want to live life as it comes, be present, and aware.

I can sympathize with your delusions of regulated time,

but I cannot follow blindly without reason and without rhyme.

I want to see laughter, to hear love and to feel no shame...

but I  refuse to stay in the box and play your stupid games.

Do not try to keep me grounded, and instead please let me fly,

for I have no more time then you and I want to know why...

why your angry, why your mean, and why you hold it against me

that I would rather be a bird and soar, to spread my wings and be free.

You may say "foolish girl, we are all trapped here" and you may be right..

but I will not stand down and give up on the fight.

Life is just too short, you see... and I will carry on this way

it's not to late, there's always time... you can begin right now, today.

let it go, let it lie, and know that love is all around

you just have to stop looking for it, and know that it surrounds.

Unpacking

How does one find a home when their bags are always packed and ready for a quick and swift exit? It doesn't bode well, and I am learning the hard way that it's time. Perhaps it's more then just a routine - more then just a spot within me reserved for the unfortunate moments that have come and gone. But it's time, none the less. It is not a process in which I can graduate from and leave behind - the unpacking and healing is a life long journey. One, might I add, that should be thoroughly examined at every pit stop. This heart and head change, and grow, and falter, and break and mend. It is ever-processing, and I need to stop treating this as if it were something I had achieved long ago. You do not simply 'get over it'... but instead, you build a spot for it within yourself and find a way to cope through it and eventually embrace that part of you. The latter is a challenging task, but it comes in time (or so I am told). Wisdom is something that comes from letting go of everything you think you know - and letting your senses guide you. It is time to open up the suit cases, go through all the boxes, and unpack this heart and this head. Slowly, over time, and with patience and understanding. One foot in front of the other - k.

I'd been bluffing here for years, and now I think it's time I showed my hand..

As prepared as I can be, I will step out once again. I will hold on to my faith and trust my feet to move on command. So simple, so routine. Here I am, small like a child and fearful of nothing you can hold in your hands. I've adopted a way of dealin that maybe isn't so easy to see. I will face the days coming which give me over to the fear that holds me captive. Surely, after all this time, it'll be easier this round? Still I find everything shaken around me, like an earthquake hit and I missed it somehow. Now I'm just running around, picking up the pieces and putting up my best defenses. Do you still want inside this head? So many dark corners, so many boxes better left untouched. If you let me cry, let me break, and hold on to my hand as it sweats and I breath quickly and short - please know you are much stronger then me, but my demons know all to well how easy it is to get me when I am low. So low as I am, as scared as you will find me - I somehow find my way through it each time. Now I am never ready, never actually prepared - but that can't stop me, and it won't. Shame is fluid, and I know better now. I'm keeping my rights, I'm keeping my fears - and one day, when it's time, I'll let it all go. But for now, for today - the fear holds me, and I listen to the words of music that hold me tight and rock me gently to sleep.

all the hard things we both gotta do

I swear there was a time when I could make sense of it all - but lately it swallows me whole and I am left wandering through darkness of the innards... hoping for a ray of light to lead me out. It isn't so simple as saying one thing, because to me that one thing may mean something altogether different come morning. I remember fleeting moments of reassurance, times and places where I was confident in my decisions and behind my choices. I feel broken and I feel lost, and I don't think I can take much more of this self-inflicted pain. Surely, I must still be learning. So when it feels on and it's on with all that I've got, that's when I am closest to changing my mind. confusing, isn't it? I don't imagine that living it could be any less frustrating that being subjected to this level of indecision. So what does that say for security? trust? faith? .... if I can't hold on to a choice for more than a moment, where will that take me in the end? my head is full, my heart is heavy... jump.

It's a little more then you bargained for

When the days are short, and time is slipping by too fast - a good habit to get into is stepping outside of that fast paced life. Doesn't have to be far, or for long - just far enough to see it from the outside, long enough to change your pace. And you may not find anything after all, but you won't know until you try. Sometimes we are searching for something we don't know anything about yet - but their is a drive, a determination, that keeps you moving. I'm looking for resolution, I'm looking for clarity... Maybe I will find it amongst the open air in Georgian bay. Maybe I will come back as lost as when I started, if not more so. But I'm stepping out all the same, and maybe I will find a way to change my pace and see this from another point of view. All be damned if this gets any foggier.

crazy has places to hide in that are deeper then any goodbye

there is nothin' thats as real as a love that's in my mind

A month. A long, dark, hard month. If only faintly, I can see light somewhere off in the distance. The grey holds strong and reminds me that without rain, I'd have no sun. Welcoming the challenge is the goal, whether I can put on a smile during doing so is another question. I could spend eternity stomping my feet, full on-pouting, demanding to know when life will hand me a break. I could, and likely would, if I thought it would get me somewhere. Thing is, it hasn't, and it won't. I know this in my heart of logical thinking... but 6 year old Katie has the upper hand today, and so I resign. It isn't easy, you say. It hasn't been, and maybe it never will be. What's the luxury in ease anyways? Soft skin, that's all. I like my hide, and am proud to wear calluses on my feet. Perhaps in time, when the children have all grown and left me to my own devices - that's when I will make peace with the ease of life. For now, however, I will continue to keep perspective - look forward, and appreciate my surroundings. I can't say that I am ever REALLY sure of much, but I know that I want to be happy more often then I am sad. That's something to be sure of, and maybe, just maybe... this will play out in my favor.

love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you - it will set you free

There was a time that I believed with everything inside me that I would spend forever paying for my mistakes. That somehow I was to blame for every unfortunate circumstance life had dealt me. That part of my life, that longing and blame/guilt ridden time, was a monumental period of self-discovery. Living fully submerged in that mind set let me get to my lowest, allowed me to feel it all and grieve the ones come and gone. It will forever be a process of forgiveness... of reminding myself that although I went the "wrong way" time and time again, it holds no force over what direction I go next. I know in my heart that the past is better left in the past, no matter how sometimes it creeps up on me and derives that longing for what was. I will never deny myself the missing, the desire to make things "right" ... but we know that right will never be enough. So I continue to look forward, to move on to the next circumstance, and live presently in what I have today. Don't be fooled into thinking that I forgot - I am not so easily able to shed those memories. I will carry it with me, and reserve it a safe place within to stay. I hope that life is smiling on you, and allowing you to live and laugh and love openly. I hope with honesty and sincerity that the path taken did to disrupt that path meant for you. If for nothing more then my own sake, I will write the words down and whether they find you or not... know - I miss you, I'm sorry, it was never enough and I will forever be thankful for the part you playing in my life. Take care of yourself.

I have no reason to reason with you

When the universe is determined to keep you down, sometimes you just have to lay low and wait it out. It's no easy task, waiting. But I have learned over time that if you respect the process, your efforts will be rewarded. It may not take the form you are anticipating, but if you can look past your expectations to where the reward is you will find a new meaning. Above all I have tarted to accept that no matter how long I stand her pounding on this wall, it is not going to transform into a door. It's time to put my fists down, and let my actions do the talking. I have no want or desire to confront that war zone anymore, and I am content knowing that despite the hurdles I am doing the best with what I have available to me (meanwhile working to getting those things that are not so readily available). I will not fight and kick and scream, I have earned the right not too. It won't be handed, but if you work for it, I will hand deliver it.

luck

It doesn't take luck. Love doesn't just happen by chance, life doesn't just fall into place, and it surely isn't a matter of just occupying space. It takes work. Hard work. It takes communication and trust, honesty and commitment. I haven't made it very far because I haven't ever had the means. I spent so many years relying on luck, on chance... and it got me nowhere, fast. It took those moments of pure hatred and anger to realize that those sorts of emotions breed from a deep seeded contempt, and it has nothing to do with me. I forgive myself, and I forgive you. I refuse to carry anger for an act in which I can no longer hold a memory to. I have let go, and have flown away from the hate and the destruction of that pain. I have moved from the time where I was sure that as life had it, luck just wasn't on my side. It took falling (too many times) to understand the release that comes from accepting that luck is an illusion. That there is no wishing upon a star (11:11) and that life will always change, it is the only constant. How you flow with those changes, how you adapt to your surroundings, how you treat those within your space - those are what will define your disposition. I don't believe in luck, I don't believe in hate. I trust that what happens will lead me to the next happening, and that all I can do is make the best choices I can with what is available to me. It doesn't take luck to maintain a position in someones heart, it takes all the attributes of a good soul to carry that honor. I do not wish to be so naive as to look for some kind of illusion, I will hold on to what I can sink my teeth into. I will hold faith in the theory that good things happen to those people who are truly deserving and that it happens in ways we cannot predict. There is light, you just first must let go of the hate.

surely I'm still learning...

with every passing day, it get's a little easier. building new memories to replace the pain, and heal the wounds that despite my grandest efforts, are still present. forming new memories, a new love and passion for life, and working on getting back to who I am. I am finally starting to remember what it is not only to love, but to be loved. 

http://postsecretdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/threeyears.jpg

the wine bottle is half empty, the money is all spent...

The dark damp layer settles on me, and out come the demons to play.
Change of season is always a test for me, as it's been so many times
before. If you can last through a year of the changes, you have found
yourself a place here. I have spent hundreds of hours putting work in to
the person I am today - effort and dedication, all of which becomes
apparent when I take a walk down the road to yesteryear. I have to make
mistakes in order to learn, it's all trial and error. But the season is
changing, and the rain is coming down... and it's not in my power to
change any of it. You say it will all be okay, and despite my stubborn
disposition, I know you are right. Let it come down like pouring rain,
let it blow me away like the storm winds - it's nothing I haven't
conquered times before now. If you can make it through my storms, the
rain surely will be welcomed.

never test the limits and don't play with fire...

There was a moment there, albeit brief, that I started to worry. The anxiety and nervousness began creeping in....

and then I looked around at my life and said "fuck that, I can do anything!"

:) thankful.

I am not a good mother.

I am a constant mother.

I am a never-have-a-day-off mother.

I am a 'sometimes too tired to even make dinner' mother.

I am a cry at bedtime because the day had so many challenges and I fell a few times mother.

I am a try my hardest to communicate with children who some days can't hear a word mother.

I am a yelling at the top of my lungs so all three of them are simultaneously quiet for five seconds mother.

I am a wear my heart on my sleeve mother.

I am a no rules about couch jumping mother.

I am a change of plans in a matter of seconds mother.

I am a 'give everything I've got' mother.

I am a selfless mother.

I am not a good mother, I am their only mother. Some days I am bang on, and sometimes I miss target. I try my hardest most days, and some days I surrender to the hurdles and wars. I am doing the best I can with what I've got - and I love them with all of my being. I am not a good mother, but I am a committed, loving, caring one.

Forgive yourself, and go easy... for we are all fighting the same battles <3 br="">

late morning thoughts

It's so easy to forget. So easy to just let it be swept away with the streaming water down the roads as the snow melts as does my pain. The thing is, I have learned that if it is easy then there's something missing. It isn't supposed to be easy, it isn't supposed to be handed. To maintain the kind of comfort and happiness that lasts, takes work and dedication. It takes commitment and trust, and most of all it takes communication and honesty. I realize now that all of my intimate, and most of my personal relationships, didn't contain all of those aspects. There is good reason the people from my past who are still here with me now made it this far, and I cherish those connections - I would go to the ends of the earth for those bonds. I don't have to tell you to love me, because if you are one of those people I know that you do. I don't have to fight to keep you here, you are here now because of all the battles already won. The people who have trickled in through the cracks in the walls I built so high, are the ones who have given me reason to work. I am exhausted and I am overwhelmed, but that is just a part of right now. I am loved and I am lucky - and that is something I will always have, and I am thankful. Bring on the good vibes, and they will always be reciprocated. It get's easier, and then harder again, and then maybe a somewhere in between the hard and the easy... it's always changing. I welcome the change, for it is the only constant.

letting it go.

every year, every holiday - I take on the duty of enforcing card making, gift buying or creating. I assume the responsibility a parent should to help accommodate the child`s role in the other parents life. This year, without realizing, I forgot. If I hadn't by chance been reminded, I likely wouldn't have remembered. This is the obvious result of putting someone last, every time. By working so hard to convince everyone around you that you are doing the work but not actually doing anything at all. This is the result of working my fucking ass off to keep a relationship maintained because I was certain that in the end, it would be civil.... and being wrong in doing so. I make a helluva lot of mistakes, and every damn day I am still learning - but that's the difference, I am learning. I am devoted to never going back to where I've been. I am forgiving myself for not wanting to be alone forever, and accepting that while all this time is spent convincing others how terrible of a person I am... the people who are here, who are involved, don't need convincing of anything. So this year, I forgot - and maybe I won't ever remember again. Maybe, that is what I needed to show myself that while I spent all this time trying to keep it together... I had someone following closely behind ripping it all to pieces. That it is OK to have this terrible past of lies and deceit and abuse and pain - and that it doesn't define or shape who I am now, or what I deserve. And forgetting to take time out of my life to make a card for someone who would never have dreamed of doing the same, is okay. It's all part of the healing process, of letting it go.

gone