would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

Who am I kidding? I am constantly waging wars, pleading innocence - and then I take it upon myself to spew all the hate and anger I am capable of because *I've* had a bad day. I don't remember when it became okay for me to treat people the way I do sometimes. It's almost as if I'm sitting up there, somewhere high, thinking I'm somehow more worthy. At least, I'm sure that's how it appears. In reality, I feel like I'm underground doing everything in my power to get a glimpse of the light from up there. It kills me hurting him, more than I know how to explain. I felt like a shamed puppy, I had nothing I could say - nothing I could do to fix what I had done. I just sat, and listened, reminding myself over and over - you screwed up this time. I'm so quick to place blame, I always have been. But using the "it's always been this way" excuse is getting old, even to me. He deserves more, so do I. I could peg it as a "new years resolution" but I feel very tacky doing that - so we'll just call it a self resolution. I'm so very thankful, that the people I have very closely surrounding me are people who have patience, and understanding. They get that when I reach this point of toxicity - that there is something bigger, that I am working on getting to the root of. The resolution is to change the path I take to get there, to ensure that I don't hurt said loved ones in the process. I know you said "I'm sorry" looses meaning, when its repeated again and again for the same reasons, and no change happens. But I mean it when I say that I will make the change - and I'm sorry for the hurt, and the anger. I never meant to cause harm, and honestly and truly - I am sorry. Here's to a new year.