wrong side of the bed

I woke up angry. Not angry, like "I don't want to be awake.. GRR" .. more like "This day is going to pay for how I'm feeling right now.. RAWR!" It's probably the worst way to start a day. I'd much rather wake up sobbing, or unable to get out of bed. But when you wake up angry, and there are two young and dependent little girls waiting for you to take care of them.. it's bad news. I spent my night with my mum last night, sitting, drinking, taking, debating, reminscing. I can't remember the last time just her and I did that together - but I hope we've started a trend.. it was so refreshing. As always, I learn something new about myself, just from listening to her stories and her thoughts. I am, in essence, a younger and more niave version of her. We got on to talking about when I found out I was pregnant with Emma, our reactions - and the aftermath. It was such a huge milestone in both mine and my mother's lives... but one thing she said *really* stuck on me. She said she remembers watching me, get up, and do all the motherly duties that were required of me. She watched me get up, and go to school every morning and graduate from Grade 12 with a three-month-old baby on my lap. She said she remembers thinking 'I can't believe I ever doubted her'. In all honesty, I doubted myself every day. I woke up thinking, I'm not going to be able to pull this off... I'm going to fail... this poor baby, she is so better off with someone else. Then came the crash of me realizing these thoughts were *actually* post partum depression, and the demise the perfect little world I was trying so hard to uphold. Here we are, 5 years later... still here, stil breathing, still very much marching onward. Despite the speed bumps along the way - another year has come and gone. There have been arrivals and departures, hate and love, anger and sadness, happiness and joy. I wanted to try and sum up, what this year was for me... tell of my "lessons learned" and my "resolutions" for what is to come. Unfortunately, I can't tell you that, because I do not yet know. My mum told me, that I won't ever really know until I'm 50, at which time it will all hit me like tidal waves - because only then, will I *truly* have the time, to figure it all out. So here's to another 27 years of marching onward blinded, and hoping for the best. It looks cold outside, but we can't stay in here much longer. Maybe we'll find what we're looking for outside these four walls.... happy new years eve.