tired of pretending

It's Christmas eve.. and as much as I feel like I've put up a fight to stop this day from coming, we all know time has no barriers and so here we are. It feels like it's just another additive to our "new start" which in that respect, is something celebrated. It's been such a test this year, with so many highs and lows - and it is yet to be seen how Christmas morning will go. Emma has never had a Christmas morning without her dad so I am nervous for what could happen. It's been 7 months to the day that he has last seen his daughters, and still, I am in disbelief. Its hard for me to imagine what it will be like him when he wakes up tomorrow morning. I don't have any sympathy left - I hope it kills him. I hope he is haunted by dreams of their smiling faces, by the sound of their laughter, by the imagery of them running to Tim & I with gifts, full of excitement and wonder... anxiously awaiting the moment the next gift can be torn open. It is his own fate, and now there is nothing left to do but start our own routine and go on as our own new little family. I'm tired of pretending it's all alright - what he's done is unrepairable. All we can do now is show them (mostly Emma, as Sophie has no memory of him..) that they are loved for, and that we are not going anywhere. All of my hope is restored when I look at their smile facings - it's always going to be hard, that is the path we took... but it will be okay, we will be okay. I'm tired of fighting the inevitable - I vow now, that I will take these days as they come and make the best of the hurtful, happy, hard and easy situations we are put through. This is life, my life, our life - and I wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Christmas!