wrong side of the bed

I woke up angry. Not angry, like "I don't want to be awake.. GRR" .. more like "This day is going to pay for how I'm feeling right now.. RAWR!" It's probably the worst way to start a day. I'd much rather wake up sobbing, or unable to get out of bed. But when you wake up angry, and there are two young and dependent little girls waiting for you to take care of them.. it's bad news. I spent my night with my mum last night, sitting, drinking, taking, debating, reminscing. I can't remember the last time just her and I did that together - but I hope we've started a trend.. it was so refreshing. As always, I learn something new about myself, just from listening to her stories and her thoughts. I am, in essence, a younger and more niave version of her. We got on to talking about when I found out I was pregnant with Emma, our reactions - and the aftermath. It was such a huge milestone in both mine and my mother's lives... but one thing she said *really* stuck on me. She said she remembers watching me, get up, and do all the motherly duties that were required of me. She watched me get up, and go to school every morning and graduate from Grade 12 with a three-month-old baby on my lap. She said she remembers thinking 'I can't believe I ever doubted her'. In all honesty, I doubted myself every day. I woke up thinking, I'm not going to be able to pull this off... I'm going to fail... this poor baby, she is so better off with someone else. Then came the crash of me realizing these thoughts were *actually* post partum depression, and the demise the perfect little world I was trying so hard to uphold. Here we are, 5 years later... still here, stil breathing, still very much marching onward. Despite the speed bumps along the way - another year has come and gone. There have been arrivals and departures, hate and love, anger and sadness, happiness and joy. I wanted to try and sum up, what this year was for me... tell of my "lessons learned" and my "resolutions" for what is to come. Unfortunately, I can't tell you that, because I do not yet know. My mum told me, that I won't ever really know until I'm 50, at which time it will all hit me like tidal waves - because only then, will I *truly* have the time, to figure it all out. So here's to another 27 years of marching onward blinded, and hoping for the best. It looks cold outside, but we can't stay in here much longer. Maybe we'll find what we're looking for outside these four walls.... happy new years eve.

would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

Who am I kidding? I am constantly waging wars, pleading innocence - and then I take it upon myself to spew all the hate and anger I am capable of because *I've* had a bad day. I don't remember when it became okay for me to treat people the way I do sometimes. It's almost as if I'm sitting up there, somewhere high, thinking I'm somehow more worthy. At least, I'm sure that's how it appears. In reality, I feel like I'm underground doing everything in my power to get a glimpse of the light from up there. It kills me hurting him, more than I know how to explain. I felt like a shamed puppy, I had nothing I could say - nothing I could do to fix what I had done. I just sat, and listened, reminding myself over and over - you screwed up this time. I'm so quick to place blame, I always have been. But using the "it's always been this way" excuse is getting old, even to me. He deserves more, so do I. I could peg it as a "new years resolution" but I feel very tacky doing that - so we'll just call it a self resolution. I'm so very thankful, that the people I have very closely surrounding me are people who have patience, and understanding. They get that when I reach this point of toxicity - that there is something bigger, that I am working on getting to the root of. The resolution is to change the path I take to get there, to ensure that I don't hurt said loved ones in the process. I know you said "I'm sorry" looses meaning, when its repeated again and again for the same reasons, and no change happens. But I mean it when I say that I will make the change - and I'm sorry for the hurt, and the anger. I never meant to cause harm, and honestly and truly - I am sorry. Here's to a new year.

my hands are tied - with a gun to my head.

I fell asleep, worrying. I woke up, worrying. No wonder I am so stressed out all of the time - I even worry in my sleep! I tell myself I make my own decisions, but then let everyone else's opinions weigh so heavily on mine... and when it comes down to it, that means I'm not actually making my own. It would be a lot easier if there wasn't so much expectation of what I "should" do. There is really no appeal left about New Years Eve for me at this point though. I would quite happily just have the girls stay home, stay up late and watch a movie, fall asleep cuddling, and wake up in 2010. I don't care about the parties, I don't care about the obligation. There's too much coming at me from every angle, that at this point in time - I have no interest, at all. The build up on the party, the midnight kiss.. leaves me with all these expectations of what New Years should be - so it's no wonder I can't figure out what to do. I think when it come down to it, I see it as "a night away" so I want to do something fun, exciting even... but with all the stress that comes a long with that want, makes me just want to stay home. If I go one way, I'm ditching my boyfriend for my friends. If I go the other way, I'm ditching my friends for my boyfriend. And no, it's too much to ask for everyone to do the same thing. I feel like a damn highschooler all over again - hence the want to just stay in with my kids! That way, it pisses everyone off equally. Really, what else can I do though? My hands are tied. I'm the bad guy, regardless. Wicked. Yay to awful starts to the day :(

close my eyes, dream that I'm awake.

I want to be asleep, I should be asleep - so why can't I sleep? I don't know why my body/mind has become so dependent on another body (Tim's, reassuringly) next to mine to give into the darkness of my dreams. I want to be content in the comfort of my own cocoon - but here I am, still awake.. hoping to get so tired I just pass out. I'm okay with the reliance overall though, I mean - it's something I can get used too. It's just in this moment - I'm frustrated because I feel so tired. Ive wanted to go out where it's dark enough to see the sky for some time now, and just sit. I think the convenience of a car would be nice some days, for reasons like that. I guess after awhile I feel the need to just go where it's quiet, and be by myself. It's understandable, come over for an hour during the day and you'll understand. That and I can't even remember the last time I was *actually* alone. I don't even need to be alone, just with someone who can sit, and not say a word. It's really a very hard task for me, to sit in silence, but I need it so badly sometimes. Right now, is one of those times. There is just so much chaos, so much expectation and reliance and frustration and anxiety - I need a break. Break me off a piece of that kit kat?Ugh. such a useless post, sorry folks - Ive got nothin'. Hopefully tomorrow will bring me more inspiration. Sweet dreams xo

it must be around here somewhere... but where!?

We don't ever think we're good enough. There is always some higher spot we can reach, let alone the rest of you. There is always better, there is always more. It's no wonder we are such a pathetic generation of lazy mooks sitting around waiting for our next meal to miraculously appear on our dinner plate. We let "them" pick out what is right, and what is wrong - what will get us the guy/girl, what will score us the big money. I know very few people who actually stop, and look at the destructive trend we have created. It's true - the media blasts it in our faces from Day 1, but in the end it is our choice to follow the leader or make our own path. I think that what saddens me the most about our generation is that it is now "cool" to be unique. We've have turned even individuallity into a trend. Whenever I'm asked what I "want to be" I quite often respond with "myself, without the labels" and the dumbfounded responses make me giggle. Is it really so outrageous to just want to survive? I don't WANT any of the extravagent extras. Don't get me wrong, handed to me I would definitely take a more suitable house, a car to get from point A to point B.... how could I rightfully turn down those kinds of conveniences? But in the meantime, I am content in walking to where we need to get too - to squish in our "cozy" house. I don't want to live pay cheque to pay cheque - but I don't need much. I just can't relate to the materialistic drive most people have.. I can understand it - wouldnt it be nice to live in a beach house in Miami? But it's not a need, and I survive off of necessity. In the end of it all, it's no wonder to me that we struggle so much with human interaction. The next heart break, the next story... it's all so tragic, and really I have a hard time believing that we're not all just lost. Sucked into the manhole that is this society, wandering around in the dark bumping into one another. If we're lucky, we bump into the right person and there's a connection made... and sometimes it even eliminates the darkness. Perhaps, now after this bumping - you have "found the light" and the world makes sense... but how long until we get bored, and the lights start to dim again... and were back in the dark wandering, even more hopeless than before? I like to believe that the light is going to stay on, if you fight for it. But when it's all said and done, we are just a bunch of lazy mooks who wouldn't fight for the food on our plate, let alone said bumpers.

struggles magee.

I am amazed that every single day, something new happens. Whether it be Sophie attempting a new word, or Emma figuring out a new trick (like snapping her fingers!) - I am in humble disbelief at these seemingly simple tasks. This is one of the parts of parenthood that has always left me sort of puzzled.. how we can be *so* amazed by watching these little humans do these little things, that to adults, are every day simplicities. Like putting one foot in front of the other, and making your body move forward - or picking up a spoon, putting it in your cereal and then bringing that spoon to your mouth. No one applauds me and says "good girl, Katie.. your such a good girl!" when I eat MY cereal hahaha!! However, here I am - smiling and urging Sophie on to use her own utensil :) Then there are moments like the one that just passed - where Emma goes from sweet little 4-year-old to raging and angry 14-year-old, and talks to me like she knows everything about the world and how it goes. I know things need to change, her attitude is horrendous and 'your' right - it's embarrassing. I hate to admit that there should be lines there, because I so badly want to raise her as an independent thinker, and a free soul - but when it comes down to the bottom line, I am her mother and her single care taker... which means there needs to be a level of respect there. Don't get me wrong, there is for the most part - but some days, I wonder where I've been floating around to have missed this transformation and I find myself thinking "did I give birth to an 10 year old who is now 14!?" My consistency and tactics need to change, and so today is day one of LDTL (lay down the law) bahahaha OH that is funny. I honestly think I'm hilarious - that is by far the best thing I've come up with. LDTL... genious. So we've already started, TV is off for the day because of a break down and I'm sticking to it. I think my biggest struggle is consistency - because somewhere down the line of my punishment I start to feel guilty, and start letting things slide. So now, I'm going to change that. Wish me luck!

We survived! A total of 18 people were in and out of this tiny house yesterday (at one point there were 13 at one time!). There were a hundred presents or more ripped open... an outrageous pile of plastic junk sitting underneath my tree. I wish that people could learn some self control and practical thinking. The girls are happy though, and despite my disgust of the grip hold consumerism has on our society, their happiness is my main priority. I am emotionally and physically exhausted though - as is Tim. All things considered, we did pretty amazing I think. Every odd was stacked against us and we managed to get through the day without any major breakdowns - and I can honestly say that regardless of the 630 am wake up call, I loved spending Christmas morning with my family <3 We are now down to our third, and final, Christmas celebration. We'll head out to the Burns residence this afternoon for more food, family, and presents! I can officially say after tonight, I will be DONE.. physically, mentally & emotionally. It's really so odd for me to be changing all the regular routines I've grown to know - nothing this year was done the same.. and as unnerving as that is for me, it's also a bit thrilling. I feel like for the first time in my adult life - I am doing things the way *I* want to do them! Emma asked me this morning when she woke up if it was a new year. I told her that accrding to the calendar that no, it was not, but that our "new year" started as soon as we were ready for it too. Her reply? "I would like the year t start new, today. I think a new start would be good." She's going to give me a run for my money that girl - wise beyond her years, without a doubt. Alas, it is breakfast/baking/cleaning time. Happy materialtistic-consumerism-bullshit day.

tired of pretending

It's Christmas eve.. and as much as I feel like I've put up a fight to stop this day from coming, we all know time has no barriers and so here we are. It feels like it's just another additive to our "new start" which in that respect, is something celebrated. It's been such a test this year, with so many highs and lows - and it is yet to be seen how Christmas morning will go. Emma has never had a Christmas morning without her dad so I am nervous for what could happen. It's been 7 months to the day that he has last seen his daughters, and still, I am in disbelief. Its hard for me to imagine what it will be like him when he wakes up tomorrow morning. I don't have any sympathy left - I hope it kills him. I hope he is haunted by dreams of their smiling faces, by the sound of their laughter, by the imagery of them running to Tim & I with gifts, full of excitement and wonder... anxiously awaiting the moment the next gift can be torn open. It is his own fate, and now there is nothing left to do but start our own routine and go on as our own new little family. I'm tired of pretending it's all alright - what he's done is unrepairable. All we can do now is show them (mostly Emma, as Sophie has no memory of him..) that they are loved for, and that we are not going anywhere. All of my hope is restored when I look at their smile facings - it's always going to be hard, that is the path we took... but it will be okay, we will be okay. I'm tired of fighting the inevitable - I vow now, that I will take these days as they come and make the best of the hurtful, happy, hard and easy situations we are put through. This is life, my life, our life - and I wouldn't have it any other way. Happy Christmas!

you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

I am in awe, time and time again. She says "Santa dropped this off, it's for your stocking" handing me a bag of goodies. She figured given the circumstances, I probably wouldn't have a filled stocking this year (and she was very right in thinking so!) My iron heart stopped me from crying at that instant - but I'll let the tears flow now, in complete gratitude. I've never met anyone as thoughtful as she is.. I've never had anyone in my life, care for me the way she does. It doesn't matter if I've done something awful, or turned my back on the world - she is *always* waiting at the end of it, with a shoulder, a box of kleenex, and a listening ear. I can always count on her, for everything.. how many people can you say you know that will be that person? I can honestly say, she is the one and only. This is why she is so special to me, she is gracious and kind - she is selfless and understanding. I wouldn't be half of the person I am today if she didn't walk into my world 5 years ago and demand a front row seat. I owe her so much, and am happy to be in her debt. My mum always told me when I was younger "you'll be lucky if you reach 25 and you have enough friends that are real to count on one hand" - and I can say, without a doubt, even if she is the only one.. it would be more than enough. Thank you, for being my friend, my sister, and an aunty to my daughters. We love you so much.

kissing in the rain = check

I've never really been someone to be very public about my personal life. I dont hesitate to tell anyone who will listen about my daughters, or about a random fact I heard about the environment on the news... but when it comes down to "katie talk" I am selective, and you will only know even a fraction about me, if you are solid. So what really caught me off-guard when we started dating, was that I didn't hesitate. Anyone who asked - I was willing to share that I was in love, and tell them about our life that we have begun to created together. After awhile, that went away - as the honey moon stage always does... and I started to reserve it again. I realized this today, as I was explaining to a family friend that everything was "going well" between the two of us. It took a few hours of processing to get to this mind set I'm at now - but I realized, I still want to get on the roof and shout it out over the mega phone. I still wear my heart on my sleeve, and I still am so very much in love with him. It doesn't ever "go away" ... life just distracts us (and rightfully so with everything the two of us have endured together in the passed 6 months!) Everything we've had to go through in life, to get us here - was worth it. The heart breaks, the births, the deaths, the happiness, the tragedy... all of it, was worth what we've found here. I can't wait to take you home with me <3

waking up is never easy.

and no matter how hard I try, it doesn't happen without a struggle. I would lay in bed for hours after the girls woke up if it were morally sound. Unfortunately for me, it's not - so I awake with a grumble... make my way into the kitchen, fetch the juice and animal crackers for Terrorist #2 (I will now refer to the girls as T1 and T2 - Emma being #1, and Sophie being #2... because let's face it, they're terrorists!) and, when Tim is here, hop back in bed for my "wake up" sleep. Sounds a little silly, I'm sure - but it's almost impossible for me to get up and not be really angry without laying in bed awake for 10-15 minutes first. Poor terrorists - it's no wonder they hooligans! HAH - hooligans, that's an excellent word. Hooligan shall be my word of the day! Anyways - when Tim's not here, I can't fully justify getting back into my lonely bed because, well, it's lonely. Unless T1 and T2 decide to join me, then its justified in its own right. Anyways - mornings = struggle. I'm working on it.. and I think I struggle with grace, so at least I've got that. Next September will be interesting - when I don't have a choice but to join the rest of the world in the early morning commutes to daycare & school. For those of you who don't know this - staying at home, raising your kids is a full time job. So going to school on top of my full-time job is going to be so much to adjust to. I know I will pull it off - It just scares me a bit. And in reality - I have much bigger things to worry about at the moment... like Christmas being 3 sleeps away. *not* done my shopping yet... yes, this is what we classify as a FAIL. Im going to try an finish it tonight, I swear. It will be all done by the 24th - I can count on myself for that much. I broke the news to the family that Christmas day would be spent here, doing our own thing (making home made pizza for dinner!!) I like the untraditional aspect of my plan... everything else is so structered, and with so many expectations. I can honestly say I'm proud of myself for standing up for what I want, and sticking to my gut. I don't do that very often, especially if someones feelings will be hurt in the process. In the end, I'm doing it for the girls - and that's all that should matter to the people who love them. And in this case, it is - they were understanding, and even supportive. I'm a very lucky women, and there isn't a day I don't recognize that. We're about to finish up the baking - wrap presents (off to the Gleesons for an early Christmas this afternoon!) and clean the house. Sheesh - it's already 1030!! I told you mornings were a struggle :)

*breakdown*

cursed shortbread. I knew something would set me off, I just didn't think it would be pastry. Never. Making. Shortbread. Ever. Again!!!! *shush* I don't want to hear how easy it is to make! *grrr* just had to rant :)

~solstice~

The shortest day of the year. It only gets brighter from here on out! We've always celebrated solstice in my family - whether it be with a glass of champagne, staying up late, or a fire with the ones we love (like tonight!) There is something about this day, that always makes me feel hopeful. It's such a long process to get to here - sun going down at 5pm, cold dark days. Although Thunder Bay is always coldest in January - I feel like once we've reached this day, it will get warmer and the sun will stick around. It's really all in my head, but it's a nice way to celebrate. *sigh* It would be so much easier to write this without Sophie climbing on top of the laptop and Emma holding onto my arms as if to prevent me from going any further. They mean well, and just want to cuddle (who can blame them - when mum's on the bed in the middle of the day?) but I'd like to get one thought out without having to repeat the words "please stop" more than once. Unfortunately my almost-5-year-old cannot appreciate the releif that writing gives me, so she is constantly making comments like "are you at the bottom yet mum?" We're finally getting some Christmas baking done today - usually it's all been done, and is gone by now! Not on the ball - but at least it's getting done period. So they are very anxious to get started and I am clearly taking way too long. So alas, I will shut off my adult brain and get back down to kiddy talk - happy solstice!

wake me up when December ends?

Is Christmas really only 5 sleeps away? How did I miss the whole first half of December? I'm not ready, Santa's presents have not been wrapped, stockings aren't even in my possession at the moment! It has been such a struggle to make simple events happen - but I thought Christmas would be different. Nope, here I am again - struggling. It's like I've lost concept of time, I keep missing "deadlines" and forgetting important dates. I feel like it's excusable, but only to a certain point. When am I going to stop blaming these struggles on our upheavel - and take blame for my own actions. I'm a big girl, I can handle my own ... so why can't I make something as simple as Christmas an enjoyable process? I'm amazed the tree is up and decorated - although that was by no force of my own, so I can't take credit for that either. It does not help my cause that I have found myself in love with the grinch. Now it really is all my responsibility to make this happen - and it never *really* has been before. I guess I would just like to go to sleep, and wake up on the 27th when it's all been said and done. Won't happen, stop dreaming - get yout shit together Katie. Okay, shit together - so now what? Shopping. buy buy buy... spend spend spend... like a turkey with it's head cut off, just watch - I'll have a break down at some point this week. Yet another thing that is aweome about bed time = break downs can commence! Alas, I will put on the red and white hat - eat the cookies that Emma keeps out for me, put the presents under the tree, and wake up with a smile on the morning of the 25th. Now how to break it to everyone that we are bailing on Christmas dinner... *sigh* They say if it's easy, it's not worth it - but sometimes, I have a hard time believing that. Happy Sunday!

it doesn't matter that today is Friday..

I want to be excited, really I do. I want to think "yay, it's the weekend!!" but in reality, this has no barrings on my day-to-day life. Everyday morphs into the next - I wake up, I feed the kids, we get dressed, we play, I clean, they clean, we eat again, more cleaning, more playing... another meal, another mess, bath, stories and bed. Ohhh bedtime, as much as I love my daughters - bedtime is by far the best part of my day. Being a single stay-at-home mum means that bedtime, is MY time. Don't get the wrong impression - I wouldn't change a thing about the life I lead with these two incredible human beings... but a person needs some down time, and alas - mine, is bedtime! It means I can eat, without sharing. It means reading, without the book being drawn on or torn from my hands. It means the house stays clean for more than 5 minutes at a time. And it also means I get to have a bath, or watch a movie, or read, or sit in the quiet. It's also the *only* time Tim and I get alone. Its very true when people say that new couples need to go through the stage of isolation. Much to my dismay - we didn't get that. There weren't many afternoons that we could sit together, and bask in the excitment that is eachother. So bedtime is the time we steal, to do just that. So instead of saying "yay, the weekend" I can honestly say "yay, bedtime!" and bask in the excitement, that is him <3