the due date.

Alas, here we are - and still only the four of us. We are trying to be patient ... we are trying to remind ourselves that you will come when you are ready. We just want you to know, little baby - that *we* are ready for you! Come on out, we can't wait to meet you!

the world awakens on the run

comfort like crawling into a bed made with clean sheets fresh from the line on a warm summer night. like eating your favorite food, and not stopping when your full. like hearing your favorite song after it's been awhile and it leaves you with the same tingling feeling it did when you first heard it. comfort like a big bear hug when you feel like the world has quit on you. it's the exhaustion you feel after waking from a relatively sleepless night - and only sleepless because you spent the night awake and talking about things you might have not said otherwise. it's a quiet contempt - a peaceful exhaustion. a 'nothing can ruin this mood' kind of morning. don't get me wrong, come 12:30 I will be back in between those sheets welcoming the sleep I forgot to grasp onto in the early hours of the day. but for now, the tiredness is welcomed and accepted. the rarity of that comfort is something that can't be changed, for if it were often it wouldn't be that kind of comfort. i don't mind it's absence because the feeling it leaves me with will last until the next.

> morning yearning : ben harper

A fingers touch upon my lips
It’s a morning yearning
It’s a morning yearning
Pull the curtains shut try to keep it dark
But the sun is burning
The sun is burning

The world awakens on the run
And we’ll soon be earning
We’ll soon be earning
With hopes of better days to come
That’s a morning yearning
Morning yearning

Morning yearning…

Another day another chance to get it right
Must I still be learning?
Must I still be learning?
Baby crying kept us up all night
With her morning yearning
With her morning yearning

Morning yearning…

Like a summer rose I’m a victim of the fall
But am soon returning
Soon returning
Your love’s the warmest place the sun ever shines
My morning yearning
My morning yearning

Morning yearning…

nesting

I feel restless - I keep wandering around, organizing this and cleaning that. If I'm not moving, I need to be organizing my mind. I think I'm subconsciously preparing for the inevitable.. I think that means it's almost time. I am now eagerly awaiting this arrival like it's something I didn't see coming. The idea of having a sweet, tiny little human laying next to me fills me to the brim with excitement and pure ecstasy. I find myself in complete denial that the time has already come, that soon (s)he will be here and I will once again be challenged in every way possible. Running on little to no sleep, constantly on call for someone - sleeping on another persons schedule. It feels like it's been years and years... and I suppose it almost has... 2.5 years ago, at least. I'm giddy at the prospect - and who knows, next post may be "welcome to the world baby!"

I was quick to learn but slow to understand

When is enough, enough? I have contemplated this my entire life - always searching for some kind of conclusion, some way to trust my intuition. I find myself waging wars on the standards I have set in my mind - constantly renegotiating my lines drawn in the sand. I seem unable to trust my gut instinct these days, as if it has somehow led me astray... maybe it has. What is the purpose of the sand drawn lines? After all, once the high tide comes in they are just washed away with the waves anyhow. Maybe I should find something more concrete to be drawing these lines in - maybe I need to learn how to stick to my gut instinct instead of letting the waves lead me into the deep wide dark unknown. I can't be sure of much these days, I can't find solace in my own words. It get harder to know when to give up the fight and surrender to the outcome - it's getting harder to know if the fight is worth the battle wounds. It would seem as though I don't know much about anything at all.

another year, another chance to get it right.

and so it goes - the ultimate renewal of all that has gone wrong. A new year to change the direction, right the wrongs, change your ways. A signifying moment every 365 days to resolve old wars - to resolute not to go down the same road again. The pressure is unbearable - perhaps that is the point. The pressure behind this time of year is present to push us to our limits, and make us really evaluate what the last year was... who we were and who we have become. A chance to make amends and change the aspects of yourself and your life that are undesirable. Most commonly we tell ourselves things like "I'm going to get in shape" or "I want to repair a broken friendship" or "I'm going to eat healthier" or stop smoking, or quit drinking, or walk more. Safe resolutions that most of us won't commit too, and by this time next week they will thoughtfully be stored somewhere in the back of our brains with little if any intention to really make the changes. I wonder what would happen if we could really commit to making the changes that need to commence - and really understand the gravity behind putting that kind of resolution into action. Where would we be a few months from now? Where would we end up?

and away we go!

Weeks of preparation and planning - hours of decorating, baking, shopping and wrapping. All for only a day or two - a few memories to make, memories to hold on too. It's always a whirlwind, and I am always relieved to be done with it. Now, on the 28th of December I have disassembled the tree, taken down the decorations and stored it all away for another year - and I don't know if I even really let it sink in. It almost feels like Christmas didn't happen - but there is a sense of relief that it being over with brings, so somewhere deep I know it has. It's now on to the very overwhelming task of rearranging, organizing, and preparing this tiny space for the arrival of another child - another love-of-our-life. I have mastered the art of getting through.. seemingly without really processing what it is I am getting through. 33 days left... and I wonder how I have floated through the last 247? I wonder how I am going to complete the tasks ahead of me in such a short time frame. I've never had a completely devoted partner around when it came to raising a newborn - so just the thought of it makes me squirm with anticipation. It's all new, it's all completely unknown! Now, to start the races!

would you hear me if I told you? that my heart is with you now..

There is a place inside of me that I do not recognize. I find myself going there a lot lately - searching out the darkness I have seemingly ignored for the last 23 years. Perhaps its the place where everything I can't deal with goes - for it is very dark, very murky.. like thick fog. I find myself wanting to sit at the edge of it and breathe it in like life support. So many broken objects lying around - nothing I can seem to repair or make sense of. For so long I've let the business of fixing encase me - there was always something to repair, something to build up again. I've spent so much time on everything (one) else that I don't know how to fix myself anymore. I am floating outside of myself - watching the destruction, rendered unable to stop it. I foolishly let myself believe that once beat, the demons would leave me be. Somewhere amidst one of the biggest wars of my life, I forgot that life is a constant battle - there is always a hill to climb. I feel ashamed - where did I wander off too? I am stronger than this, stronger than who I've become. It's only a hill, only a challenge - when have I ever shied away from that? Somewhere along the way I forgot my willpower - forgot that despite the struggle to get up, there is always a rewarding decline. Perhaps the dark place has become so ever present to remind me of that... to remind me that it will continue to grow, if I don't start walking now.

selfish vs. selfless

By the time I was old enough to know how to care for others selflessly I was already a mother. I had already taken on the responsibility of caring, unconditionally loving, protecting and raising another human being - there was no time in between to be a selfish adult. I've never known the luxury of completely living only for myself - and having an agenda that revolves only around me. I chose to be a mother when I was still just learning how to embrace adulthood - and while choosing this, I gave up a lot of things that most 18 year old's wouldn't dream of. I gave up being selfish and I gave up living freely. Not only did my interests change, but so did my priorities. It has taken me some time to really understand that despite the best of efforts - it is truly impossible for anyone to fully understand what this kind of transformation is like and what it means, until you go through it. On the contrary, I've never been on the other end because I have been a mother for 6 years - long since anyone else I know would ever even consider taken the leap into parenthood. All I've ever been after is the understanding that I am always going to do what is best for my children - despite agendas, commitments and expectations of others. I will always make the best judgment call I can for my kids, before anyone else - including myself. That is what motherhood is, that is what it's like to live selflessly.

it just keeps getting better.

one week: butterflies, and kissing in the rain
one month: i love you.
three months: i will marry you.
six months: "daddy"
eight months: "will you marry me?"
ten months: move in together.
twelve months: surprise! we're expecting.

I wouldn't change a single thing. Forever and a day - despite the speed.

I love you more today than the first day I said it to you.

she says it's only in her head.

too dumb. don't think. not listening. don't understand.

whichever way I turn, whichever way I go with it - it's wrong. I don't know how I ever doubted where the suffocating anxiety was coming from - or the constant insecurity.

there's a 6 year old Katie, who lives within me - and currently, she has taken full control and left no residency for anyone else. and how can I not grant it to her? how can I tell her to go when she is called back constantly to defend her territory? I think it's only proper to let her find some solace, instead of traveling back and forth between persona's with not a moment's rest.

Surely, I sound crazy. I suppose by now, I must be.

present.

We can pass through days. We can live through moments. We can move along with the chaos of the events of our days. We can simply follow through with the duty of living, and not expect anything more. But when do we stop and realize what we're missing? When does it make us stop and notice everything we are just living through? I want to live it, not through it! I want to feel it - touch and taste it. I want to break down barriers with my own two hands and I want to walk the path less taken. I am worn down from the lull of the familiar - expecting things only to be let down, wanting things but holding back. I am so tired from watching my life go ahead of me, as I follow behind. I've been looking at myself in the mirror - picking myself apart, letting guilt rule.. when what I need to do is change my stride. I need to stop watching life, and start participating again.

"So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace"

throw away your anger

I don't mean to sound ungrateful - I don't mean no harm. I'm just after something I can hold on to, something that will leave a lasting impression. I don't want you to be someone your not, and I don't want you to try and impress. I just want real, I want raw - I want the basics. I can't say I understand the act of killing something just to hold the trophy, I don't understand the need to defeat your opponents. Give me conversation without the frosting - give me company without the expectation. Tell me how it is, tell me fears, tell me triumphs. Just don't give me bullshit - and don't expect me to hold back from calling you on it. I'm not here to entertain or make you smile - but I'll be glad if who I am entertains you, or if how I entertain makes you smile. Don't ask me to be something I'm not to fit who you think I should be, and I won't ask you to fit the mold of something that everyone expected of you. We are who we are, we will grow and shrink and grow again. We will fight and talk and fuck and fight again. But if there is raw, if there is gravel road to stand on - if there is conversation without the bullshit.. it's all good. It's all gravy.

the joys.

wired. my brain is going a million miles a second - and I'm all jittery. unfortunately I am completely unmotivated to actually do anything... and the heart burn that accompanies the jitters is disgustingly painful. who would have thought after 7 months of being coffee free - one cup would do this much damage. I wonder what it will be like once the baby is here, and I relax for a bit with a cold one. end up on the floor, no doubt. it's incredible what your body goes through to reproduce - what sacrifices (and beer and coffee are HUGE sacrifices) we make to make sure the fetus has a safe and pleasant ride through. leg cramps, morning sickness, stretch marks, heart burn, weakened bladder, migraines, braxton hicks, restless nights and discomfort aside - I really do love being pregnant. There is nothing in this world like it, and I'll never experience the same pregnancy twice. 25 months pregnant, 36 hours of labour, 30 months of breastfeeding combined so far - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

by now you should have some how realized what you've got to do.

I close my eyes, I hold my cheek next to your skin - and breath you in. There is nothing quite like the smell of your skin, nothing that makes me feel safer. We are bound to fall, fail, quit, get up, dust off - and begin again. Life is too messy for anything to ever be simple - life is to good to ever stop trying. It took me some time to understand what I was doing here, and some days I'm still not sure. With all odds stacked against us, I think we've done pretty good for ourselves. I wonder if it will ever be clear - if we'll ever be able to sail smoothly without tidal waves and rocky waters. I wonder if it would even matter? Maybe that's just part of the glue that keeps us holding... maybe it's just the way it's supposed to go. I can feel the intensity of the ever changing life we lead - it holds me tight, leaves me gasping for air. It's not the first though, and it's not the last either. I know that it has no barring on what we can accomplish. I can't help feeling like I've repeated these words so many times over, phrased a little differently because my mind was working on a different angle. Maybe it's a testament, a reminder to myself of what is real... what is pure and whole. It reminds me not to forget where we came from, where we are and where we are going. It reminds me not to forget how it's shaped us, and how it will continually change us. It reminds me of the ever changing, ever strong love and commitment - it reminds me of the me who you've helped me to discover.

silenced.

Listen carefully to the words that come out of your mouth, watch cautiously where you step - and be prepared for the road to come to a dead end. I've nothing to say, not a word that makes sense or brings clarification and resolution. Welcome to the dead end.

we're ordinary people.

The air was thick, it left a layer on my skin - I needed the outside. Bundled, and unprepared for the sting of cold on my face - I ventured outside in search of a different feeling. It didn't take me long to realize that the thickness would follow me where ever I placed my body, no matter where I tried to hide. In hindsight, the wide open air just left me feeling even more trapped and fearful. It is almost suffocating sometimes, the air inside these walls. I want so badly to feel like I can control the outcome and that regardless of what continues to happen around me - that I am able to steer the sails of my ship. Failure is always associated with the realization that I can't always decide which way we will sail, what obstacle's will get in the way - where we eventually end up. It doesn't just take me to man the ship - it isn't that easy. The fog is just so dense, so unruly - and I struggle with going in blind. One foot in front of the other, and a confidence in my step. Now if only I could rid my atmosphere of the thickness, and breathe a sigh of relief..

what've you been searching for?

My head is full to the brim of ideas and emotions - but I am still chasing after a place where it can be exposed. I am still wandering around waiting for a room to appear that I can sit, where I am conscious but confident - able to let it free fall out of my mouth and into your lap. I'm getting closer, I can feel it in my bones. You've been so patient, you've been so tired - it's been a long time. The weight of the world on our shoulders, the weight of our choices that follow - it's a lot to carry, it's a lot to hold on to. But it's alright, it feels okay - and somewhere beyond the fog that leaves us blinded to what is in front of us... I know there is a light of some kind. You keep me balanced, and let me explore the uncertainty - even when it is like nails scratching ruthlessly against a chalk board. It's not always easy - it's not always fun... but it is ours, it is strong and will hold. I will never give up on what is true, I will never turn my back on the long road. Hold my hand, kiss my lips, lay with me on cold nights, smile when I'm crying, be honest, tell it to me straight even if it will bring tears, be kind to the insecurities, be strong when I can't be - and in return, I will do the same for you. I know it's not always easy, I know it's not always fair - but together I think we have the ability to move mountains... and at the very least, take down those walls.

a little me

She beams with confidence every time she is faced with a challenge that is past her experience - she shines with independence as she tackles another battle that is beyond what her maturity level should permit. I don't remember what it felt like to get on a school bus and ride away from my mum - what it felt like as I traveled to and from school every day alone, without an adult sitting next to me and monitoring what I was doing. I imagine the bus ride is a very big part of her love of school - the freedom it presents her with, the ability to be her own person without the attachment of a mother, sister, father. She is able to find her own comfort with what she can and cannot do, what is proper and what is not. I still find myself watching for longer than I need as she rides away, wishing I could go with her - that there wasn't a part of her life that didn't involve me. We'll safely call that attachment parenting :) and despite my best efforts, she has grown up - become a little independent thinker, a strong minded human being... a little me.

a place way out back

There is a place, way out back - where no one ever goes. It's secluded and quiet, and extremely beautiful. It's a long trek to get there, and a rough one at that - and perhaps that's why no one ever goes there. I find that a lot of the time, we fear the voyage and don't realize how rewarding the final destination would be if we would just take the plunge and endure the hardships. I wonder when the reward becomes greater than the fear we hold on to so tightly... when the intrigue of the unknown outweighs the lull of the familiar. We have so many journey's to embark on, so many places to discover and explore - and yet, here we are - fearful of the long walk there. What are we so scared of? When did the grasp of "responsibility" hold us back from the joys and exhilaration of adventure? We all have a place, way out back - it's just a matter of taking the time and effort to go and explore... take a risk, a leap of faith - and discover! I carry the weight of my decisions, and am also rewarded by the choices I've made - but it's not an excuse to stop myself from living. It's not an excuse to fear the hike to the place way out back, it should be motivation that regardless of what the journey would throw at me - I would get there, possibly bruised and battered... but wiser, and readier than ever before to take on yet another challenge.

potty mouth.

FUCK.

SHIT.

STUPID.

BULLSHIT.

SHIT FUCK.

rawr!!

productive.