surely I'm still learning...

with every passing day, it get's a little easier. building new memories to replace the pain, and heal the wounds that despite my grandest efforts, are still present. forming new memories, a new love and passion for life, and working on getting back to who I am. I am finally starting to remember what it is not only to love, but to be loved. 

http://postsecretdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/threeyears.jpg

the wine bottle is half empty, the money is all spent...

The dark damp layer settles on me, and out come the demons to play.
Change of season is always a test for me, as it's been so many times
before. If you can last through a year of the changes, you have found
yourself a place here. I have spent hundreds of hours putting work in to
the person I am today - effort and dedication, all of which becomes
apparent when I take a walk down the road to yesteryear. I have to make
mistakes in order to learn, it's all trial and error. But the season is
changing, and the rain is coming down... and it's not in my power to
change any of it. You say it will all be okay, and despite my stubborn
disposition, I know you are right. Let it come down like pouring rain,
let it blow me away like the storm winds - it's nothing I haven't
conquered times before now. If you can make it through my storms, the
rain surely will be welcomed.

never test the limits and don't play with fire...

There was a moment there, albeit brief, that I started to worry. The anxiety and nervousness began creeping in....

and then I looked around at my life and said "fuck that, I can do anything!"

:) thankful.

I am not a good mother.

I am a constant mother.

I am a never-have-a-day-off mother.

I am a 'sometimes too tired to even make dinner' mother.

I am a cry at bedtime because the day had so many challenges and I fell a few times mother.

I am a try my hardest to communicate with children who some days can't hear a word mother.

I am a yelling at the top of my lungs so all three of them are simultaneously quiet for five seconds mother.

I am a wear my heart on my sleeve mother.

I am a no rules about couch jumping mother.

I am a change of plans in a matter of seconds mother.

I am a 'give everything I've got' mother.

I am a selfless mother.

I am not a good mother, I am their only mother. Some days I am bang on, and sometimes I miss target. I try my hardest most days, and some days I surrender to the hurdles and wars. I am doing the best I can with what I've got - and I love them with all of my being. I am not a good mother, but I am a committed, loving, caring one.

Forgive yourself, and go easy... for we are all fighting the same battles <3 br="">

late morning thoughts

It's so easy to forget. So easy to just let it be swept away with the streaming water down the roads as the snow melts as does my pain. The thing is, I have learned that if it is easy then there's something missing. It isn't supposed to be easy, it isn't supposed to be handed. To maintain the kind of comfort and happiness that lasts, takes work and dedication. It takes commitment and trust, and most of all it takes communication and honesty. I realize now that all of my intimate, and most of my personal relationships, didn't contain all of those aspects. There is good reason the people from my past who are still here with me now made it this far, and I cherish those connections - I would go to the ends of the earth for those bonds. I don't have to tell you to love me, because if you are one of those people I know that you do. I don't have to fight to keep you here, you are here now because of all the battles already won. The people who have trickled in through the cracks in the walls I built so high, are the ones who have given me reason to work. I am exhausted and I am overwhelmed, but that is just a part of right now. I am loved and I am lucky - and that is something I will always have, and I am thankful. Bring on the good vibes, and they will always be reciprocated. It get's easier, and then harder again, and then maybe a somewhere in between the hard and the easy... it's always changing. I welcome the change, for it is the only constant.

letting it go.

every year, every holiday - I take on the duty of enforcing card making, gift buying or creating. I assume the responsibility a parent should to help accommodate the child`s role in the other parents life. This year, without realizing, I forgot. If I hadn't by chance been reminded, I likely wouldn't have remembered. This is the obvious result of putting someone last, every time. By working so hard to convince everyone around you that you are doing the work but not actually doing anything at all. This is the result of working my fucking ass off to keep a relationship maintained because I was certain that in the end, it would be civil.... and being wrong in doing so. I make a helluva lot of mistakes, and every damn day I am still learning - but that's the difference, I am learning. I am devoted to never going back to where I've been. I am forgiving myself for not wanting to be alone forever, and accepting that while all this time is spent convincing others how terrible of a person I am... the people who are here, who are involved, don't need convincing of anything. So this year, I forgot - and maybe I won't ever remember again. Maybe, that is what I needed to show myself that while I spent all this time trying to keep it together... I had someone following closely behind ripping it all to pieces. That it is OK to have this terrible past of lies and deceit and abuse and pain - and that it doesn't define or shape who I am now, or what I deserve. And forgetting to take time out of my life to make a card for someone who would never have dreamed of doing the same, is okay. It's all part of the healing process, of letting it go.

gone

go easy on yourself

Something as simple as a poor judgement, can reshape every value you had ever formed. The map of the mind is a tricky place, and we continue the journey every day trying to understand signs written in a foreign language. It's just as soon as we learn the script that the roads change direction and the language along with it. You learn quickly to forgo the bypasses, for you will only find yourself back at the beginning if you try and skip parts of the road. And nobody said it would be easy, did they? The idea that we are all responsible for our own is a daunting image in the minds eye, and yet we are so quick to be defensive when that position is challenged. Wouldn't it be nice, to have it all handed down? Would you take the opportunity? Would you still be the person you have developed into up until now? The thing is, all parts of our journey (whether it be the scars and bruises or the successes and rewards) work in partnership. Every fork in the road helps form your perception of what's happening around you, and although it is difficult not to look back on those forks and question if what you chose was right - you learn deep in your heart that it took that turn to get you to where you are going next. The roads are just a figment of our imagination, and the really path is where ever we put our feet down and choose to take the next step. This can be tricky when you find yourself going around repeatedly in circles... but you will learn to stop, reevaluate, and change direction. The temptation of regret can be strong, but I have learned from the circles and the retracing steps that it led me to where I am now... and the lesson can be so great if you open your heart to it. So I will stop, and look around - and appreciate the beauty of the day, the love in my heart and the smiles on the faces that mean the world to me. I will remember that though many many MANY mistakes have been made, I'm still learning, will always be learning - and there's still many journeys to be had.

Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change

So simple, isn't it? To have me react, when you know my soft spots and
weaknesses. Vulnerability is not something I ever got on well with. My whole heart ache's, knowing that once again ignorance rules the actions that could so quickly rip apart my world. It's a sharp knife, and it cut deep this time. Despite my best efforts to let it roll off my shoulders, I felt as if I'd been sucker punched. So when you tell me that I have put myself above the well-being of my children, I will fight back. For I know what is true, what is right and just. As if I had to doubt it, my army stood at my side - not willing to back down... knowing this time, I was not going to falter. I meant it when I told you if you try and hold me down, I'll only get up quicker. I put everything I have into these three humans, and I will never back down from that duty. My love, my world, my life - you cannot bring me down, for long. Momentarily, I let my guard down. Momentarily, I let the hurt trickle down deep. Momentarily, I wondered if I could forgive it this time. Lesson's learned from mistakes made - holding my head up.

I've been waiting on my own, too long.

Timid. Perhaps that's a good sign. I see the road ahead, and for the
first time I think I know what to do with it. For the first time, I
think I'm ready to go and lead the way. On my agenda, on my own accord -
and eventually, as I go... it will be shared. After walking for so long
with three little hands to hold, and no one to hold mine - I am ready
to accept that being alone forever isn't in the cards. So I let my head
rush, and my heart pound, and my eyes weep. I honor my fears and my
insecurities, and I share them openly and honestly. For the first time,
I've got nothing to hide and nothing to prove. I have no reservations,
no agenda to follow, no rule that will outweigh the choices I make. I am
damn proud of who I am and where I've come and what it's taken to get
here - and letting someone share that has been earned. The journey is
half the fun - I won't let this smile fade.

dot dot dot

wine glass is empty. head is spinning. anger rising. those buttons, those goddamn fucking buttons. when will I learn that all your after is the reaction. I swear, I must be learning. Please tell me I'm learning. keep onward, shift your feet and remind yourself that words can only bring you down if you let them. I'm so happy to have found who I am without, will not let anything ruin that. stop reading, stop reacting... moving forward.

tell me, did you ever get this far?

Hard has never been the problem. I won't shy away from a challenge, and I will fight as hard as I bloody well can for something I believe in. For what I think is real, for what I think is right. Though there have been many days where this was "too much" and I "couldn't do it anymore" .... here I am, still doing it. So tell me I can't, and I'll make a fool out of you. I am fighting the good fight, and the reward is so sweet. I am happy, I am healthy, I am loved. This is how it's supposed to be.

Delete.

The last piece of what was - something I had been holding on to, despite all my efforts to let go of everything else. I want to thank you, for giving me no choice but to just let go of the edge I'd been hanging off of...so committed to holding on by just a finger. Enough to have a glimpse in to something I wasn't a part of. And as I free fall into something new I can't help but look up and hope that whatever path you take, it leads you to somewhere better. As I look up, I see that I held on to long and every other part of me was already waiting at the bottom. I don't know, and I don't want too - because maybe I was wrong, and it was always me after all who couldn't forget. "When I'm falling I'm in peace, it's only when I it the ground it causes all the grief"

sleeping at night

I used to look for approval. I used to believe I needed some validation. I used to hope for acceptance. I used to beg for forgiveness. It took time to learn that I didn't need approval, from anyone but my own heart. It took so many endless nights of fighting to realize validation didn't change the end result. It took losing people I loved to understand that being accepted would happen naturally from the ones who are good people. It took bloody knees and a destroyed self-worth to stop begging for forgiveness, and to accept my demons. I have laid it to rest, I have found my own and am finally able to let it go. For better or worse, I am in deep and passionate love with the person I have grown into being. So I don't sleep restlessly anymore, because hate and spite and resentment can't hold me any longer. I know my worth, and I won't ever forget what it took to find it. "Love; it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free"

the distance

There was a time that I didn't believe I could live without you, and in that time I believed only you would sustain me. Two long years gone from that mind raping, and I know that the people I needed were there all along. The people who I pushed away and hid from, because of some greater power unknown to me. A weakness in me I had never seen, an inability to maintain my wants and desires due to the wants and desires of another. Still, all this time later, I am evaluating. It was described to me as "crazy love" ... there was no resistance, no caution - and definitely no paying attention to the many warning signs. I didn't want to see the negative, didn't want to know if things would go wrong. I set my eyes on the prize, and pushed through the rest. And no one sympathized when I crashed. What they did do, was help me back up... helped me pick up the pieces, mend the broken bones and nurse the wounds. They stood by me and rebuilt my heart, rebuilt my trust and security - what they did was invaluable. Here I stand before you, ready and open to start loving myself for the person I have become. I am only here because of them, and for that I am forever indebted. I made room for those who loved without fault, supported me through my absolute worst, forgave me for walking away, and cherished me for finding my way back. I am ready now to believe that it won't always end in hurt, and it won't even necessarily always have to end.... I am ready to let light back in, and believe that I don't have to be punished anymore for my mistakes. It means I have finally made it, and I've never felt more free.

It's a skill I hoped I'd abandon, when I got on the open road

Don't you see? The door was shut, with tears and sorrow. It was locked with pain and anger. It was sealed with hurt and frustration. It was abandoned out of necessity. I was locked into being someone I didn't even know - and I have finally let myself take off the shackles and accept something better. A happiness I forgot about, maybe one I have never even known. I don't want to look back in anger, I don't want to hold a grudge, I don't want a fight. I just wanted to let go. I want to accept the scars that have taken up permanent residence within me, and carry on. What more can I do? Ive made my bed, and I've slept for so long on the cement slab - it's time to get up. It's time to just accept that there is more to life than this... it's time. Be careful, be cautious, but know that I can't stay in this room, accepting punishment any longer. I've met with the demons, they are letting me go now. So I'm going. One foot in front of the other.

Catchup

"say what you feel"

Within the routines of everyday life, lies opportunity to change. I watch these three humans with such intensity that I am sometimes missing the point. Such sensitivity can create a frustration in me that I didn't know possible, didn't know I was capable of - but I am learning. Always on the move, pacing towards the next something... and I woke up today and decided to honor the idea of living in the moment. It's so easy to say, so much harder to do - but I know it can only help us grow as a unit. Take the moment as it comes, and make the best of it. Take time, think critically and react less. If you let them guide you, the world is magical. It has been so long since I felt like I was capable of making these changes in our life. I can get so caught up in the mess of my shattered heart, that I forget their hearts have been shattered too - and in the end, what they count on is me. This three incredible humans look to me for the stability they can't find elsewhere. They look to me for an understanding of what is right and wrong, they look to me for the comfort and security that allows them to be themselves. Their reaction to situations I have created or put stress on is not to be punished, it is to be respected. "Feelings are something that just happen each day, and whatever we're feeling inside is okay!"

Only know you've been high when you're feelin low..

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
We could go on this way forever, I'm sure of it. That just won't do, and I can't keep up pace anyhow. I could say I'm sorry, but what use is that anymore? Smoke and mirrors... and I'm not very good at lying anyways. Let her go.

This time I'm comin' down