tell me, did you ever get this far?

Hard has never been the problem. I won't shy away from a challenge, and I will fight as hard as I bloody well can for something I believe in. For what I think is real, for what I think is right. Though there have been many days where this was "too much" and I "couldn't do it anymore" .... here I am, still doing it. So tell me I can't, and I'll make a fool out of you. I am fighting the good fight, and the reward is so sweet. I am happy, I am healthy, I am loved. This is how it's supposed to be.

Delete.

The last piece of what was - something I had been holding on to, despite all my efforts to let go of everything else. I want to thank you, for giving me no choice but to just let go of the edge I'd been hanging off of...so committed to holding on by just a finger. Enough to have a glimpse in to something I wasn't a part of. And as I free fall into something new I can't help but look up and hope that whatever path you take, it leads you to somewhere better. As I look up, I see that I held on to long and every other part of me was already waiting at the bottom. I don't know, and I don't want too - because maybe I was wrong, and it was always me after all who couldn't forget. "When I'm falling I'm in peace, it's only when I it the ground it causes all the grief"

sleeping at night

I used to look for approval. I used to believe I needed some validation. I used to hope for acceptance. I used to beg for forgiveness. It took time to learn that I didn't need approval, from anyone but my own heart. It took so many endless nights of fighting to realize validation didn't change the end result. It took losing people I loved to understand that being accepted would happen naturally from the ones who are good people. It took bloody knees and a destroyed self-worth to stop begging for forgiveness, and to accept my demons. I have laid it to rest, I have found my own and am finally able to let it go. For better or worse, I am in deep and passionate love with the person I have grown into being. So I don't sleep restlessly anymore, because hate and spite and resentment can't hold me any longer. I know my worth, and I won't ever forget what it took to find it. "Love; it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free"

the distance

There was a time that I didn't believe I could live without you, and in that time I believed only you would sustain me. Two long years gone from that mind raping, and I know that the people I needed were there all along. The people who I pushed away and hid from, because of some greater power unknown to me. A weakness in me I had never seen, an inability to maintain my wants and desires due to the wants and desires of another. Still, all this time later, I am evaluating. It was described to me as "crazy love" ... there was no resistance, no caution - and definitely no paying attention to the many warning signs. I didn't want to see the negative, didn't want to know if things would go wrong. I set my eyes on the prize, and pushed through the rest. And no one sympathized when I crashed. What they did do, was help me back up... helped me pick up the pieces, mend the broken bones and nurse the wounds. They stood by me and rebuilt my heart, rebuilt my trust and security - what they did was invaluable. Here I stand before you, ready and open to start loving myself for the person I have become. I am only here because of them, and for that I am forever indebted. I made room for those who loved without fault, supported me through my absolute worst, forgave me for walking away, and cherished me for finding my way back. I am ready now to believe that it won't always end in hurt, and it won't even necessarily always have to end.... I am ready to let light back in, and believe that I don't have to be punished anymore for my mistakes. It means I have finally made it, and I've never felt more free.

It's a skill I hoped I'd abandon, when I got on the open road

Don't you see? The door was shut, with tears and sorrow. It was locked with pain and anger. It was sealed with hurt and frustration. It was abandoned out of necessity. I was locked into being someone I didn't even know - and I have finally let myself take off the shackles and accept something better. A happiness I forgot about, maybe one I have never even known. I don't want to look back in anger, I don't want to hold a grudge, I don't want a fight. I just wanted to let go. I want to accept the scars that have taken up permanent residence within me, and carry on. What more can I do? Ive made my bed, and I've slept for so long on the cement slab - it's time to get up. It's time to just accept that there is more to life than this... it's time. Be careful, be cautious, but know that I can't stay in this room, accepting punishment any longer. I've met with the demons, they are letting me go now. So I'm going. One foot in front of the other.

Catchup

"say what you feel"

Within the routines of everyday life, lies opportunity to change. I watch these three humans with such intensity that I am sometimes missing the point. Such sensitivity can create a frustration in me that I didn't know possible, didn't know I was capable of - but I am learning. Always on the move, pacing towards the next something... and I woke up today and decided to honor the idea of living in the moment. It's so easy to say, so much harder to do - but I know it can only help us grow as a unit. Take the moment as it comes, and make the best of it. Take time, think critically and react less. If you let them guide you, the world is magical. It has been so long since I felt like I was capable of making these changes in our life. I can get so caught up in the mess of my shattered heart, that I forget their hearts have been shattered too - and in the end, what they count on is me. This three incredible humans look to me for the stability they can't find elsewhere. They look to me for an understanding of what is right and wrong, they look to me for the comfort and security that allows them to be themselves. Their reaction to situations I have created or put stress on is not to be punished, it is to be respected. "Feelings are something that just happen each day, and whatever we're feeling inside is okay!"

Only know you've been high when you're feelin low..

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
We could go on this way forever, I'm sure of it. That just won't do, and I can't keep up pace anyhow. I could say I'm sorry, but what use is that anymore? Smoke and mirrors... and I'm not very good at lying anyways. Let her go.

This time I'm comin' down

ebb and flow

You can never make everyone else happy, though we all know I try. Constantly sorting through masses of chaos to try and keep everyone somewhat content. Failing, because it's not enough when it isn't really happiness.... Mediocre attempts at a smile, vague attempts at staying on both feet. We all know most of the time I'm falling, but at least I do it gracefully. I can't clean up the mess, but I am okay with it so long as it's organized. Organized chaos, and it's not good but it's enough. I keep hoping that maybe one day I'll make it up, one day what I'm doing will be enough.. but living in a fantasy is never good for the soul. So I do what I can do appease my heart, and hope that someday I can make it up to you. 

our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

And it happened almost suddenly, without warning. This acceptance of how hard this is going to be. I guess I knew somewhere deep within me that it was a solo journey all along. I keep saying it aloud, hoping that will cement it. It didn't though, and I was still somewhere thinking that it didn't have to be this way. I can't let anyone in, these walls really are too high. It's not even admirable to try anymore, I just look foolish flopping around struggling with my own indecision. It's high time I put my head into war mode and just march on, without hesitating to see if you can catch up. It's too far gone, it's too hard to tackle me down and keep me stationary. I won't believe for a moment that I never tried, that I never cared - for only I can know the ways of my mind and my heart. Only a fool can believe they know one better then they know themselves. I am content to understand that in all fairness, I know practically nothing. But I am eager to learn, I am excited to know a new way, I am anticipating a lot of walking. I learned a long time ago that if it's handed to me, I will take it for granted. I need to work, I need to pour my heart and my time and my blood and my sweat in to feel like I've earned it. Call me stubborn, I won't argue. Call me fierce, I'd be honored. Call me hard to hold, I know it all too well. "Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are done.. setting fire to our insides for fun... collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home. it was a flood that wrecked this."

maybe this year will be better then the last

There is so much that will hold us back if we let it. It's been a year as hard as any other, but I am looking to the rewards and holding on to the good stuff. Saying goodbye, welcoming new beautiful life, wounds turning to scars, picking scabs, climbing mountains and falling down but getting up... and I'm reminding myself to hold on to these moments as they pass <3 br="">

let it rest.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed.
Get along with the voices inside of my head.
You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath.
You think I'm crazy, yeah you think I'm crazy...
Well that's nothing.

and you said that these mountains that I choose to climb will hold the rewards of so much more. These mountains that weigh me and level me - they are my choice, and I am scaling them. A little faith in my judgement would go so far. Trust that I have learned, and am learning, and I am doing my best to get by. It's all water under the bridge - so let it rest. The ice is forming and it's time to cold now to fight it anymore.

seven hundred and thirty

it snuck up on me without warning, and suddenly the sadness made sense. I suppose it will always be hard, this time of year. I hit replay, like I can maybe somehow come up with an answer for why it went so wrong this time - and every time, I come to the same place. I thought I'd blame myself forever, and maybe in some ways I always will, but I know well that you can't love when you don't love yourself. I was so busy fixing, that I lost sight of me. I remember a time when I believed it, when hearing the word "selfish" felt like a true definition of what I am. It doesn't take a genius to look around and see the actions of my selflessness. It doesn't take a genius to know that sometimes, I need to put me first too. Two long years, and the days didn't go by quickly. Though I stand here now, and see all that I have done, all that you said I'd never be able to accomplish without you. It must kill you, it must drive you mad - and deep down, I'm glad. I have never been, and never will be, any of the things you said I was. I will never sacrifice who I am to please somebody else. This has been the hardest lesson to learn, and everyday I am still learning - but I know my worth, and I know what I am capable of. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

every painful ending is the mark of a new beginning

It carpets the world around me, it speaks of new beginnings. I search for something more to hold on to, and I wait for a moment in time that leaves me feeling this alive. It would be so much more if I could tell you what it means, what it does to me - but words aren't enough, and I am silent anyways. The changing of the world around me has me searching for just a little bit more. My standards are higher, my heart is stronger, my mind is made up. "When you fall in the winter, that's when I'll believe it" ... and so will that tell all? You always know me best, no bullshit. I am wavering between the war within and the war without and I am hoping that despite my flaws, it's still visible. I am still fighting, and I am still working - and sometimes, I just wish for it to be a little easier. The world is white, and I am ready.

creativity

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? I don't even have words - all I can say is, shit is getting fancy! If you don't know what a Succubus is (it's the definition of me) ... buut just in case you need the actual definition


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Succubus

Speaks for itself :)

I am folded and unfolding and unfolded

If I could find the words, it still wouldn't be enough. It's always changing, moving - so even the words I capture and regurgitate for the sake of clarification are constantly up for debate. The words don't fit even now, because the mood changes and I have something more to say about the next thought and I can never keep up. I am fine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeehlhaMs50

I took my love, and I took it down.

In those few moments of naive intervention, I feel jealousy and anger and hatred and confusion. It washes over me so quickly and I realize I'm just not where I ought to be. Words have always been so easy for me, flowing effortlessly. It takes so much more time then I'm willing to put in to move past the hurdles that have slowed me down. I made no promises, and I never told a lie - I believe everything I say. But life changes, and so do people - and if I knew the consequences of actions taken upon me, I wouldn't say so many words before hand. That's not the way it works, and you can never know what's to come - all you can do is live in the moment, say what you feel and live honestly. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. Time changes us all, and I'll never be the person I was yesterday because I faced different obstacles yesterday than I will today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsLykJ17Oxc

passive agressive.

... nothing make's them angrier than being happy. unhappy people HATE that - they hate to see you doing well, to be smiling even though life is rough, to be getting by when everyone thought you'd fail. It kills people who can't be happy with themselves, to see you happy. I don't even think life is going okay - but I know if it's not right not, it will be. I know that even though it's hard, we'll make it - and we'll be better off because we know how to pick up the pieces of a heartbreak. My children will be stronger for knowing that life isn't easy, that it takes work, and that you have to fight to make it through. They will ask, and they will search for answers - and I will be proud knowing I raised kids who think for themselves, who look for the answers to their questions, and who can think critically about what they are told. The answers are never in the words, they are in the actions - and you can't believe what you don't see. My head is held as fucking high as it can be, and I won't ever let the hate and the anger and the resentment bring me down a single notch again. I love me, and I love them - and we'll be fine, if not better.

jump ship and swim, that the ocean will hold me.. that theres got to be more than this boat I'm in.

I look around and think, this has got to be enough. This is the reality - this is what you've got to work with, so work with it! Constantly waging wars against the wanting. The ongoing dialogue that I work against to chase out the demons sometimes drives me insane, and I hide in the dark and listen to the sounds of songs that drown the noise. It's something above and beyond the level of understanding I hold for the way my brain works. I am left out of the realm of understanding - so again I am left to work with what I've got. The ever present acknowledgment that only I can climb this mountain. My nails are bitten down to the skin, my hair is falling out, my body is sore and my mind is tired - but if I stop, everything stops. Tell me how, I'll ask how come. I won't let it shape me, I won't hold on to the pain - I stay close to the brook on this journey, so I can put the negative energy on a log and send it down the mountain and back to where I started. I'm working, and it's with what's in my reach. Now that I'm on the outside, I can see all the beauty of something more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg