This time I'm comin' down

ebb and flow

You can never make everyone else happy, though we all know I try. Constantly sorting through masses of chaos to try and keep everyone somewhat content. Failing, because it's not enough when it isn't really happiness.... Mediocre attempts at a smile, vague attempts at staying on both feet. We all know most of the time I'm falling, but at least I do it gracefully. I can't clean up the mess, but I am okay with it so long as it's organized. Organized chaos, and it's not good but it's enough. I keep hoping that maybe one day I'll make it up, one day what I'm doing will be enough.. but living in a fantasy is never good for the soul. So I do what I can do appease my heart, and hope that someday I can make it up to you. 

our minds are troubled by the emptiness.

And it happened almost suddenly, without warning. This acceptance of how hard this is going to be. I guess I knew somewhere deep within me that it was a solo journey all along. I keep saying it aloud, hoping that will cement it. It didn't though, and I was still somewhere thinking that it didn't have to be this way. I can't let anyone in, these walls really are too high. It's not even admirable to try anymore, I just look foolish flopping around struggling with my own indecision. It's high time I put my head into war mode and just march on, without hesitating to see if you can catch up. It's too far gone, it's too hard to tackle me down and keep me stationary. I won't believe for a moment that I never tried, that I never cared - for only I can know the ways of my mind and my heart. Only a fool can believe they know one better then they know themselves. I am content to understand that in all fairness, I know practically nothing. But I am eager to learn, I am excited to know a new way, I am anticipating a lot of walking. I learned a long time ago that if it's handed to me, I will take it for granted. I need to work, I need to pour my heart and my time and my blood and my sweat in to feel like I've earned it. Call me stubborn, I won't argue. Call me fierce, I'd be honored. Call me hard to hold, I know it all too well. "Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are done.. setting fire to our insides for fun... collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home. it was a flood that wrecked this."

maybe this year will be better then the last

There is so much that will hold us back if we let it. It's been a year as hard as any other, but I am looking to the rewards and holding on to the good stuff. Saying goodbye, welcoming new beautiful life, wounds turning to scars, picking scabs, climbing mountains and falling down but getting up... and I'm reminding myself to hold on to these moments as they pass <3 br="">

let it rest.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed.
Get along with the voices inside of my head.
You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath.
You think I'm crazy, yeah you think I'm crazy...
Well that's nothing.

and you said that these mountains that I choose to climb will hold the rewards of so much more. These mountains that weigh me and level me - they are my choice, and I am scaling them. A little faith in my judgement would go so far. Trust that I have learned, and am learning, and I am doing my best to get by. It's all water under the bridge - so let it rest. The ice is forming and it's time to cold now to fight it anymore.

seven hundred and thirty

it snuck up on me without warning, and suddenly the sadness made sense. I suppose it will always be hard, this time of year. I hit replay, like I can maybe somehow come up with an answer for why it went so wrong this time - and every time, I come to the same place. I thought I'd blame myself forever, and maybe in some ways I always will, but I know well that you can't love when you don't love yourself. I was so busy fixing, that I lost sight of me. I remember a time when I believed it, when hearing the word "selfish" felt like a true definition of what I am. It doesn't take a genius to look around and see the actions of my selflessness. It doesn't take a genius to know that sometimes, I need to put me first too. Two long years, and the days didn't go by quickly. Though I stand here now, and see all that I have done, all that you said I'd never be able to accomplish without you. It must kill you, it must drive you mad - and deep down, I'm glad. I have never been, and never will be, any of the things you said I was. I will never sacrifice who I am to please somebody else. This has been the hardest lesson to learn, and everyday I am still learning - but I know my worth, and I know what I am capable of. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

every painful ending is the mark of a new beginning

It carpets the world around me, it speaks of new beginnings. I search for something more to hold on to, and I wait for a moment in time that leaves me feeling this alive. It would be so much more if I could tell you what it means, what it does to me - but words aren't enough, and I am silent anyways. The changing of the world around me has me searching for just a little bit more. My standards are higher, my heart is stronger, my mind is made up. "When you fall in the winter, that's when I'll believe it" ... and so will that tell all? You always know me best, no bullshit. I am wavering between the war within and the war without and I am hoping that despite my flaws, it's still visible. I am still fighting, and I am still working - and sometimes, I just wish for it to be a little easier. The world is white, and I am ready.

creativity

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? I don't even have words - all I can say is, shit is getting fancy! If you don't know what a Succubus is (it's the definition of me) ... buut just in case you need the actual definition


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Succubus

Speaks for itself :)

I am folded and unfolding and unfolded

If I could find the words, it still wouldn't be enough. It's always changing, moving - so even the words I capture and regurgitate for the sake of clarification are constantly up for debate. The words don't fit even now, because the mood changes and I have something more to say about the next thought and I can never keep up. I am fine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeehlhaMs50

I took my love, and I took it down.

In those few moments of naive intervention, I feel jealousy and anger and hatred and confusion. It washes over me so quickly and I realize I'm just not where I ought to be. Words have always been so easy for me, flowing effortlessly. It takes so much more time then I'm willing to put in to move past the hurdles that have slowed me down. I made no promises, and I never told a lie - I believe everything I say. But life changes, and so do people - and if I knew the consequences of actions taken upon me, I wouldn't say so many words before hand. That's not the way it works, and you can never know what's to come - all you can do is live in the moment, say what you feel and live honestly. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. Time changes us all, and I'll never be the person I was yesterday because I faced different obstacles yesterday than I will today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsLykJ17Oxc

passive agressive.

... nothing make's them angrier than being happy. unhappy people HATE that - they hate to see you doing well, to be smiling even though life is rough, to be getting by when everyone thought you'd fail. It kills people who can't be happy with themselves, to see you happy. I don't even think life is going okay - but I know if it's not right not, it will be. I know that even though it's hard, we'll make it - and we'll be better off because we know how to pick up the pieces of a heartbreak. My children will be stronger for knowing that life isn't easy, that it takes work, and that you have to fight to make it through. They will ask, and they will search for answers - and I will be proud knowing I raised kids who think for themselves, who look for the answers to their questions, and who can think critically about what they are told. The answers are never in the words, they are in the actions - and you can't believe what you don't see. My head is held as fucking high as it can be, and I won't ever let the hate and the anger and the resentment bring me down a single notch again. I love me, and I love them - and we'll be fine, if not better.

jump ship and swim, that the ocean will hold me.. that theres got to be more than this boat I'm in.

I look around and think, this has got to be enough. This is the reality - this is what you've got to work with, so work with it! Constantly waging wars against the wanting. The ongoing dialogue that I work against to chase out the demons sometimes drives me insane, and I hide in the dark and listen to the sounds of songs that drown the noise. It's something above and beyond the level of understanding I hold for the way my brain works. I am left out of the realm of understanding - so again I am left to work with what I've got. The ever present acknowledgment that only I can climb this mountain. My nails are bitten down to the skin, my hair is falling out, my body is sore and my mind is tired - but if I stop, everything stops. Tell me how, I'll ask how come. I won't let it shape me, I won't hold on to the pain - I stay close to the brook on this journey, so I can put the negative energy on a log and send it down the mountain and back to where I started. I'm working, and it's with what's in my reach. Now that I'm on the outside, I can see all the beauty of something more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg

Help, I'm alive

It's the hardest, when you think you have it under control - and you don't. I've got my mind made up, and I'm not going backwards again - and I'm sorry it didn't work like we had planned. It never does, though. Expect the unexpected and you can't be disappointed, and if you`re going to fall without a safety net... don't act so shocked when you hit the ground, shivering and stunned. I can't change the tides, though you know I've tried... or maybe that's it, you don't know that I've tried.Time changes everything, and life will surprise you continuously if you let it. I want to say I'd change it if I could, but the truth is I wouldn't - we're here for a reason, and if I've learned nothing else.. I've learned that I cannot force change against gravity. https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWNfumxLgITbRuED1mhKVhNAR6U35sEzcQwQA7gFhPmRB1Cl6nlCb7ucIXHTswQ64bknlKyHKnY0jFie-DZLTHBQmEGBb5Aq5lP6p_ltLarW1BdMmeJY0M91-3IylbSvJkmB52rL3uQR0/s1600/18sametime.jpg

out of my head

I wake up in a cold sweat, I panic, I can't figure out where I am. But I'm here, I'm always here... I'm just outside the realm of my normalcy. Like a bloody 1000ft wall... I stand on the outside, looking at what I've built. I crafted it so high and so tall, that not even I can get in now. I'm endeared, it's quite sweet - but you're wrong about me, and sooner or later you'll have to face that won't you? I'm out of my mind. Don't be fooled by the motions, by the smile on my face, by the life I lead - it will kill me, in the end, be sure. It's some terribly tragic tale of what could of been, and what should have been. It's out of my hands, I'll say... what's done is done. Truth is, I just can't. As soon as I've found myself at the starting line... to fight against the elements for what "should be" ... I just give up. The anxiety of the battle to come is too high, the stakes are too high, the probability of my fate is just too damn high. And I'm out here anyways, side by side - looking in and wondering what the actual fuck happened? How did that wall get so high? and how the hell am I going to get back inside?

For you are fearfully and wonderfully made

You left an impression on me, the day your parents drove up behind me and told me you were coming. I went to bed that night, tears in my eyes, fear and joy and love and excitement all deep within my heart. I watched you grow from the outside, as your mother's belly swelled and you moved around within the cocoon she had help grow just for you. I sat in amazement as this women I have shared every part of myself with started down the journey I have been walking for so long now (with her at my side, all the while). I was graced with her insight, her intuition, her fear, her love, her doubts, her dreams. She amazed me at every turn, and I began to realize that you were the source of this new part of a women I thought was already perfectly complete. I wanted so badly to be everything for your mom, that she has been for me - an impossible feat. Regardless of that, when the decision came that you were coming.. time froze. I was paralyzed by a feeling I didn't know could even resonate within me, a anxiousness I didn't know possible. I wanted to compare it to the feeling I had when my own children entered this world, but it was somehow different. This feeling came from somewhere else within me, and it held me... it still holds me. I sat, like all the rest, and waited... helpless. And so were your parents, for mother nature had plans unknown to us. And then after a day of restless and helpless pacing... your dad walked through those intimidating doors and with a look I'd never seen on his face before that moment, told us of your arrival. And I wept, and he wept, and everyone surrounding us wept as well. I went home, knowing that you had just changed the world of so many - including mine. I loved you long before I knew you, little boy. I will love you long after you are gone - and when I held you in my arms for the first time, I was overcome with the feeling of profound admiration. For your strength, and for your parents. I will do everything I can for you, at any moment for any length of time - I promise to love you, and protect you, and guide you and help you. I promise to be the person for you that your mother has been for your cousins (who love you more than I thought possible). Welcome to the world, child. We've been waiting for you <3 nbsp="" p="">
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmi3Dk1YAFI

the room is spinning now, darlin'

This black line, flashing at me... reminding me that more words are needed. more attention is required. more of me is never enough. I am overwhelmed and held down by the anxiety of the longing. Why can't it just be something I don't have to hope for? Should I have to ask? This isn't supposed to be done alone. This isn't how it's supposed to go. Always wanting more, always expecting nothing. I'm never disappointed that way. Except when I am, like now, when my mind needs to stay focused on the task at hand.... the black line blinks and reminds me there are words needed else where. It's due tomorrow, stop changing your focus, stop obsessing. You can't change them, not one single man. You can't change the tides... so focus, regain composure... focus.

you decide to be alone.

It could be so easy, if there were a way to switch it off. After a whole life time of looking for ways to numb it... shut it down - I have come to terms with my inability to do either. So I will listen to songs that make my heart ache and feel it all as it comes, and for once in my fucking life trust my gut and go with what feels right... not what everyone expects of me. Here goes...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB4X1XLiO6g

there is no saving the sinking ship.

Like clockwork, October comes and the wind is deep and chills me to the center - the sadness wipes me clean. Erases everything I had worked so hard to maintain... and I'm back to square one. It won't seem so strange anymore, to watch me struggle. I find reason inside that tells me I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about... it never wins over anxiety. I love my life so much and I know how much harder it could be - but that doesn't make how hard it IS any easier to cope with. I fight against the tide, and hope for the best. October is usually the start of my defeat, and the leaves fall around me and I am yearning. If you could fall in and out over and over and never fall so hard you broke, I wonder if you would. I wonder what the thrill holds, that the security does not. I wonder a lot these days, about this and that and what if and what not. It's only the start of something terrible, once my head gets wrapped up in those. The whatifs and whatnots and howcomes and maybes. Some time far from now, I will look back at the cold and think "it never lasts" .... my body is a waste land of emotions, and I am an open sore.

loveless

sometimes I'm so sure what I say is clear.. and again I'm not heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IhI87arSAE

the fortress

I pick up a pen, and the words flow like tears welled up deep inside. Hidden are the thoughts and promises broken, hidden is the truth amongst the ink on the page. I first came here in hopes to face my own darkest places, a public attempt at picking it all apart. Now, I know I won't do it here. I am guarded and fearful - the truth is not easy to face. I have, for good reason, built up a fortress surrounding my heart - and no matter how noble the attempt, you will not penetrate this place. For better or worse.. I will hold strong, and forgive the fallen soldiers. It can't be easy - wanting something unattainable for no personal wrong doing. I have my reasons, I have my demons, and I have these walls. The loneliness will hold me tightly, and I will pay till the end for my stubbornness. "Let yourself be happy" ... the price is to high, and I'm out of coins. This is what I've earned, this is what I've resorted too. You don't have to tell me, because I already know - I already live it, every day. Let it lie.