highest kind of high

The days are long, the years are short - and I sit here in the sun wondering if I will remember times like this. Cuddles full of dirt and sweat and popsicle mess. I cherish the moments that leave me warm and full of love, the moments that despite my worries are being recorded somewhere deep. It's time in space that make me appreciate all that I have, all that I have created. Three pure and beautiful lives that I have the privilege of riding along for. How did I luck out? the exhaustion and the stress float away in the wind, and I am left with the highest kind of high. I live to love, love to laugh, learn to love, and follow the cues - we only have one shot, it's time I made the best of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ap88Nvq44uQ

but he don't recognize me anymore

A song to go with every mood, every epic moment in time. A phrase or lyric that will fit perfectly like a puzzle piece into my head for whats happening in front of me, within me, around me. Sometimes it's out of my hands and the best I can do is to let it go, and watch it fade. God knows I fucking tried, and I paid for my efforts. I dreamt of something unattainable, and I held on so tightly - maybe too tight. Life comes in waves and bad things happen, and all I can do now is learn. Who knew there would be so much to learn, so much to know, so many wrong decisions waiting to be made. If it brought me here, and it lead me to right - was it really that wrong? It's so hard to move forward holding on to all the baggage from my past... letting it go sounds so easy. I keep these boxes stock piled in the back, packed full of yesterdays. I seem to have missed summer all together, so missing spring cleaning seems to fit well. My head hasn't caught up to my heart, surprisingly; it's so often the other way around. I stopped blaming the accomplices, stopped holding anger and resentment - it's just empty now. It all happens for a reason.. not for some divine intervention, or because of fate... but merely to bring us to the next happening in time. It is just a sequence of events and you can do what you want with it, but it will be yours and when it comes to an end no one can own the roads you took and what aided your decisions but you. Own it.

and your past, it ain't lost on me.

Tiny steps. I'm cautious, and I'm nervous. It's been a long time coming, accepting that I deserve more than what I've accepted for so long. I wonder if I'll ever know how or why, or if like the rest, it will wash away with time as I move forward. I let go of what I've held on to for so long, and proceed with the walk on this tipsy balance beam of life. I keep falling, and no matter how hard I try my balance is off. Commendable that I keep getting back up, and trying again. I can't stay down, even though for so long I tried to. I wanted to keep you company, I wanted to make sure you were okay. In the process, I stopped making sure I was. Never sure completely, about anything. Constantly in a state of wonder, of deciding. I have to let go of something I never had to begin with, and start in a different direction. I expect these thoughts are just words on a screen and it will never fully resonate. I hope that it will merge into something I can handle, that it will ease into the routine of what is. I can't ask anymore.. what is there left to ask? ... and I know that what will be, will be...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cITPH-51QZw

The Orange Rhino Challenge

Today is the day I stand here and admit that I am ashamed of myself. Now, I haven't come to this realization for sympathy or a courteous "you're doing a great job"... because the fact of the matter is, I'm not. I am a yeller, I do it often and without thinking. I yell so much, that before I have even made a move after an accident or wrong-doing, my kids are anticipating my fury. I am less engaged, and less interested in everything that involves them because of it. I have seen the fear in my child's eyes, and I have seen the damage it has caused in our relationships. I am short-tempered, irritable and frustrated - and although that is part of motherhood.. kids are just kids. While they make a lot of mistakes... they are human, and humans make a lot of mistakes. It comes down to: I don't like being yelled at, so why do I ever think it's okay to do it to them? So today, I start my challenge. I am putting my phone down more often, and leaving the computer turned off. I am focusing my energy on our lives, as they are the only ones I can make any changes with. I am publicly declaring here and now, that I do not accept this part of me. It isn't who I am, and it has got to go. The four of us are a team, and in order to beat the odds we have to work as a team. We can't do this when one of us is always on the verge of a meltdown. I ask that as my friends and family, you help support me through this. When I am about to lose my temper and let our a yell, acknowledge it. Help me be aware of the rage that overcomes me, and help guide me through this change. I love my kids more than life itself, and the last thing I want from them is fear. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be, and the last thing I want to be is a yeller.

no better time then the present

I search for an answer, some clear cut decision. I've not yet trained my heart to know that it is never clear-cut. So I subconsciously wander around... hoping for something to point me in the "right" direction. I ponder, and wonder, and hope for something that will guide me out of the darkness that I seem to be wading through. I can't help but question how after all this time, after all the different paths I've taken, I have not learned the art of patience. All I've got is time, and every day is a new chance to do something with it. Shift out of reverse, and get on with it... there's nothing stopping me, but me.