not all those who wander....

the separation of head and heart. it's been a battle my whole life, i realize now. Ive never let the two coincide... never have I had the ability to let down my walls enough for them to meet. constantly waging wars on myself - and somehow, after everything... I am still worried what other people will think of what I do. Why have I ever been under a microscope? have I really made so many bad decisions that nobody trusts me to make the right one anymore? when did I give up the right to make that call? What does it say about me, when I am constantly worried about being abandoned? I am so worried, all of the time - what will be said, what will be judged ... I don't even give myself time to figure out what I want, or what's best for all of us. I let others opinions guide my choices. when did I get so lost....

Such a heart that will leave you to deceiving

proof is such a tricky thing. The evidence you need is sometimes unattainable, and often times it doesn't even exist - words are slippery and the past is but a memory. All we have is now. And tomorrow and the rest. And I often find myself in a state of "what's the point?" Why....What is in it for me? My whole world is devoted to doing and giving to other people.... why put more weight on my shoulders? Because that's who I am. Giving up is not something I do, and hurting people is not something I swallow easily. I always want to give. I want to make life a better place for people I care about.... but I'm left wondering... who cares if its better for me?

stop pretending, i'm so tired.

and there it is. that's what I was waiting for.. and why am i surprised? It was empty for me, it was nothing - I let my heart be cold, and didn't see the consequence. It won't be nothing for her. The fall will be quick, just like it was... it shouldn't hurt like this. It shouldn't matter... it shouldn't phase me. So why am I fetal positioned, sobbing? why am I unable to breath because the attacks come so strong, one after another. I hope you break her heart, too.

i tell myself.

you're in the dark, swinging. no matter how passionate, or how much anger you put behind the throw you always come up short. the result is never what you wanted, and you'll never make the mark. you take another swing, and you fall on your face. you wonder what it will take to make you quit. what are you after anyways? I ask myself. You'll never get what you are after. The end result will never be what you're hoping for. so how long until you turn on the lights, stop blindly taking shots and own up. yesterday is going nowhere, and tomorrow is slipping away too fast. wake up!!!! WAKE UP!!! you are only making it worse for yourself. stop fighting the nothing that's left, close the chapter, make peace with your anger and move on. you're heart can't take much more of this.

not that

not that it matters... but today was hard. not that it makes a difference... but this hurts so much. not that it changes anything... but I'm so tired. not that you will notice... but I've changed everything I am. not that I can stop it... but life is passing to quickly, and you're missing it. not that it means the world... but I will never stop fighting. one day at a time, and today it isn't enough.

me myself I got nothing to prove.

She's a fighter, they say. She'll be fine, she always gets through. And I do - but at what cost? What is left of me after all of this? Is living enough? What happened to quality of life? a mistake is a mistake is a mistake. So why am I just going through the motions? When does this become real... when do I wake up? Oh that's right - rhetorical questions don't have answers, and I am left to the demons. But of course, I can't say this is too much. I can't hide in my bed and cry out the pain... I get up, I force myself through each day - I look back wondering how we got so far in the days without even realizing I had slept and woke again. Wishing for something more, hoping for a better way : and I come up short, again. These words are empty, my head is full - and they say I'm a fighter. So I guess I will be fine, and I'll get through. I just wish I knew at what cost.

Mugey.

It doesn't take a lot to fall in love with a being like Mugen. So against the idea of a pet, let alone a cat, I stood my ground on disliking him. But the days passed, and then weeks, and slowly I felt myself bonding with this strange, sketchy animal. I remember the first time he crawled into my lap, timidly - as if to say... I'm here, whether you like it or not. What can I say? he grew on me. No matter what my annoyance was with what he had done (puking, shitting, scratching, dead mice) I was always able to put that aside and love him still. The nights where I would fall apart after a long day - he would come near, stay close, and keep me company. He made sure I was never really alone. It's strange, what kind of relationship you can have with a creature so unlike yourself. When he started to get sick, I wanted to pretend I didn't notice. I'd see his ribs, I'd try and ignore it. When he stopped eating, I convinced myself he was just particular about the food he liked... he can't really be sick, I don't have the energy to admit it. The days grew into weeks, and he started to get sicker. As I watched him struggle to breath, to walk, to eat ... I started to realize this was the end. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for making the choice to put him down - I don't like the job of playing ruler over life and death. I just feel like he is in pain, I see it in his eyes - his very being, he is not the same. I wish there was an easier way to understand, wish I hadn't grown so fond of him. This would be easier, then. Despite the odds, Mugen became my friend - and as I sit here choking back tears, wishing tomorrow wouldn't come... I hope he knows how much he has impacted my life. Funny, the weight a life can have on your own.

who do you think you are, running round leaving scars?

heart in my throat. it sits, cause I didn't do the work I said I had done... and now I will pay for my hastiness. you can't skip steps in this process, and for that impatience it will hit me 10x as hard. I say what I know will meet the mark - but the rest resides, here... burning holes. It won't come, my pride gets in the way. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed. I don't expect this to make the sense it does to me, but if you took a walk in my shoes you'd never move the same again. the flames die down, and I'd rather watch the fire burn with someone else... so I know that you can't hurt me anymore. find another broken soul who can take that weight. and I will never fill the void. I can only accept what is, and embrace what comes. this is not the life I chose.

broken glass

Ive lost what little understanding I had left - wandering amongst the rubble, trying to pick up pieces I had convinced myself were back in place. How can I be so naive? Still.. after so much, I am still here. Time, they say. I judge myself so critically, no faith in my heart and my head. Going in a direction I have told myself I need to go. I don't have any answers, no explanations for the actions I've taken and the pain I have endured. Maybe somewhere deep, I deserve the pain... for the broken hearts and the mislead. Maybe this is the way that I get my karma... this broken heart never mending. Days that are long past still following me everywhere I go. The words slip into my conscience like a ghost in the night, and I am embodied by the mourning. There is no starting anew when the last love is still holding strong and encompassing you entirely. So forgive me for my ignorance, stand by as I conquer the next wave of demons, and maybe I will come out stronger. Or maybe, it will pull me under and leave me breathless and defeated.