I do(n't)

It all happened so fast, and I'm learning now that it only worked to destroy. It feels as though a lifetime has passed, but some days, like this day.. it's as fresh as the one that ended it all. I can sympathize with the misunderstanding that I should be happy, relieved - that this shouldn't phase me. But if you've never had to face this shame, you can't possibly know. If you've never known the pain of losing something you loved with all of your being, of failing at something you put everything into - there is no way to comprehend it. It probably seems foolish - a day in time, devoted to something riddled with the lies of a commitment that never followed through. To me, it is the heart break all over again. It's a love I let burn so high and so hard - without reservations. It's a life I so badly wanted, a life I deserved. So today, this 25th of August, I will revisit the love and the lust and the loss. I will let my whole being shake with the pain that has been left to fade away... the pain that will never fully fade away. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.

dream

I dream that days are short and I am lost. I dream that I wake without having slept, that I am living outside, but inside I am dead. I dream that you can make it all go away, and numb the pain - but morning drags me from the other world, and I am groggy and tired. I wake up, not ever really awake - one foot in front of the other, and I work with what I've got, and remind myself it's not all my fault. It's not all fault. So much to be content with, so much to be proud of - but how do you enjoy a life that comes and goes in waves, and leaves you feeling abandoned and alone? So hard to separate the two, the me and the provider. I wake up, and stay asleep in my head - and do everything to hold off all the weight that I must put on as my feet hit the floor. I deserve it. This is something I caused. This is nothing I can comprehend, and sometimes all those words slip through the cracks. The cracks are getting bigger, and those words are losing their baring. It's time to wake up.

deserve

It's the rise and fall - the inconsistency of my every day. I just want it to level out, and stay the same for a little while... I am asking too much. It changes every day - and for so long I have been programmed to believe this is a fault of mine. That what changes, is my responsibility ... when reality is, I would do anything to stop the constant changing. The only constant is change, though. I wonder when I will find peace with the ever-moving style of this life I lead. The drastic ups and downs leave me drained and heart broken - and the reliance on the people who can't be relied on. I wish it were easier to just pack up and never look back. But I've never been able to let go, and so I will stay here, and let the weight kill me. Until tomorrow, when I find my strength again and keep moving onward.

know the difference.

You can not make someone else happy. Your only business with happiness is to bring it on yourself. You are not responsible for other peoples feelings. How you react to something, or anything, is your responsibility. No one can change you or force you to feel or do or say anything. Your actions, reactions, feelings and motions are yours - and you have to own it. Blame is far too messy, and some is bound to get on you while you're trying to put it on someone else. Take charge of your day, your life. It is no ones hands but your own. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone grieves. You can not believe that you are the only person experiencing pain, and that no one else could ever understand. There are billions of people on this one tiny earth - and there are millions if not billions, grieving with you. It is YOUR job to change something you dont like. You can not sit around expecting someone to change it for you. All you can do with this life is make yourself happy, follow your gut, and own everything you do. It's hard - but you won't be any closer to happiness if you don't. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.