just show me a moment that is mine

I'm like a fly bouncing back and forth on the window pane, trying to escape. No matter how many times I bash my skull into the glass, I don't give up - my determination to get through the glass is too thick to use reason. Call me stubborn if you want, I call it committed. The problem is, eventually I have to give up and find an alternate route - or hope someone is kind enough to open the glass for me so I can get through. Hoping get's me nowhere though, and so eventually I have to resign my skull-bashing and accept that I have to fly around a bit longer to find my way through. My problem is I abandon the purpose of getting through the glass in the first place and find a replacement scenario. The issues that were presented in the beginning with me trying to get through the glass are left in the back of my now-bashed-in brain, and I move on to some other problem. It's a problem of course until I find another window - start bashing again and remember "hey! I just ran into this same problem not too long ago!" Dealing with things as they come is easier said than done for me, especially if it's only me doing the bashing and everyone else is standing on the other side of the window - watching, waiting for me to figure it out. I wonder if it would just be easier for someone to help me along, open up the window... but leave the screen. That way, I can get a taste of resolution - but am still forced to work through it without giving up. Give me a taste of the end, so I can be motivated to not give up on finding compromise.

baaaaad

I *suck* at proof-reading and editing my work. I don't even realize it until a few posts later, and I read back and see all my errors. A friendly "Dear Katie, you sucked at editing this post" comment would not hurt every now and again people. I'm just saying, I clearly don't pick up on these things myself.

That is all.

the lonely boy on the midnight city bus

It's as if every feeling that I come in contact with - every emotion, has to course it's way through me before I can pass it by. There was a boy, very young, sitting on the bus seemingly alone. His mother was close by, talking with the bus driver and ignoring him. He wanted to sleep, and he was fighting the urge to close his eyes which I couldn't understand. It was midnight, and he was very obviously accustomed to having to be awake at this point in the night. He grabbed for his mother's arm - tried to rest his head on her arm, which was met with a grimace and a scolding for trying to sleep as she made clear they would "be home soon". It made me want to cry - seeing this little boys desperation for attention scolded, his needs neglected for the purpose of socializing. It made me wonder how anyone who has not begun to understand the priority of being selfless would even bother reproducing - why torture a child with your inability to put the tender needs and wants of a young human first when it is time? In reality, at that point in the night it would be her time to be selfish (as is bedtime to any parent, really) but instead she had him carted around on the city bus at midnight. It's easy to observe these kinds of situations and criticize what kind of parent she is, construct in my mind what kind of life "he must have" and hold a pre-assumed judgment from only one encounter. Who am I to assume anything? Who am I to feel the power of saying anything about what kind of mother she is, or what kind of life she leads. It just makes me sad - the world makes me sad... humanity makes me sad.

after all

Clutter often feels overwhelming, like there is no way to sort through the madness. I find once I start though, it get's done quickly. The problem is that procrastination is best friend's with clutter, and therefore I do not begin the process and it builds and builds and builds until it is so overwhelming that the clutter takes over. I let it take over my subconsciousness, and am left with an uncontrollable anxiety.

The clutter is preventing me from seeing much past that thought, so many things are running through my head - but nothing with enough substance to take precedence. I just feel cloudy - muggy even. What else can I do, but take hold of it and bite it's head off?

home.

I didn't think I knew how to describe what home was to me, didn't think there was much substance to the word. I know now, it's a feeling. It's a warmth that starts at your toes and goes up through your body all the way to your fingertips - it's the sweet embrace - it's a comfort that can't be matched by anyone or anything. Home is where you are - and so this building is temporary, but it is where we find our spot together. That makes it home, and I am happy to be in it. Happy to be sitting here listening to your sweet voice - receiving your captivating smile.. being where you are. Home is something you create - something you find and elaborate on, make your own. Your my own - and there isn't much sweeter than that. My head is cloudy, and I feel like I've been gone for years. I want to just lay in bed with you for a few days, collect the lost time and make it up. I wonder when I will feel back to myself, back to routine and back to home. It's good to be here, to get the wheels starting again - get into my skin and feel it all out. I feel full, and I just want to empty it all somewhere so that I can start filling back up. The never ending process - fill it up, dump it out, repeat. But I know one thing for sure, hearing you sing is one of my favorite things in this world - and I wouldn't trade being right here right now for anything.

stick

There is something to be said about a person who can withstand the weight of someone elses world, alongside their own. This goes for anyone who is able to take on someone elses hurt, and love, and past and future - to anyone who can devote themselves and their lives to sharing it with somebody else. I am only now, after 23 years in this world, understanding what a relationship truly is and the comitment it entails. I think I had led myself to believe that I knew all there was to know because I am a mother and that is the greatest relationship one could have, right? Not exactly - don't get me wrong, it is by-far the most amazing... but it is a special type of relationship. It is one that is formed instantly and unconditionally - without thought or questioning. There is no choice on who this person will be, or what they may look like - they just are your children, and it's as simple as that. An adult relationship has so many more complications and intricacies. There is choice, and rights and wrongs - there are components that will encase you, sometimes erase you. It is definitely, without a doubt, a devotion - a comitment of one's self, mind, body and soul. It is a lot of things, I suppose... but there is a lot to be said, about those who choose it and stick with it.

clear my thoughts, eat my brain.

I am my own worst enemy. I hate you for knowing it - and making me face it. In fact I hate you so much that I love you for it. Thank you for showing me the ups and downs I'd rather ignore - for making me face my fears - and for fighting for the right to stand up for what you want. I know I'm hard to take, I'm even harder to hold - but I'm worth it, I swear. Distance makes the heart grow stronger, some people say - I don't know if I agree about the strong part, but it definitely does something. I miss you, and I love you and 6 days feels way too long - but I know it will go by quickly and soon enough, there you'll be.

back to my roots

There is no cure to a glum mood than family who loves you. There was no short supply of that yesterday as I was greeted, embraced and showered with love and appreciation at my aunt and uncle's home where my extended family had gathered to visit with the girls and I. Humbled by the love that is filled to the brim of all those lovely people, I revelled in the beauty that is. You can't choose family, so it makes me feel all the luckier to be born into such a big gracious and accepting family. It doesn't matter how long it's been since we last saw eachother - it's always like no time has passed, and we spend the time we get catching up and soaking in the presence of eachother. I know I should be here, all the time - it shouldn't be a vacation to come see these wonderful people I have in my life. I just can't seem to make myself get up and leave - can't make my feet move. It feels like I have been trying to uproot myself for years now (and really, I have been). Maybe soon - maybe it's time.

I could really use a wish right now

I can't stand under the pressure, I can feel my knee's buckle and my heart is sore. I wish I could understand the yearning that takes over me when we're apart. Maybe if I could understand, I could get a grip hold on the emotions that take over my rational knowing. I fall asleep sadly, and wake up in the same mannor - and I know this is too long. I'll blame it on the hormone's for now, as it's all I've got. I dream about you too - which is really the icing on the cake. Not only can I not escape your lingering presence during the day - but you follow me into sleep as well and haunt me while I "rest". You'd think it had been week's at this point, even months - but no, just merely 5 day and I am uncontrollably weeping speratically throughout the day. This is proving to be very difficult as I try very hard not to weep infront of the girls - however, Emma is very understanding of how much I miss you. She found me yesterday, and hugged me and said "I miss Daddy a lot too - but it's okay, we're going to see him soon!" Alas, it is a temporary relif - and I will do my best to concentrate on all the good thing's that every day brings for us until we come home again. I do apologize, to anyone who follows my ramblings - but the next week and a half are likely to all be the same posts :)

oooh baby what're you doin to me?

It feels like this weight has been put on my chest - almost like a constant pressure. It all feels too familiar, and then I remember... it was a year ago exactly I subjected myself to being away from you for more than a few days at a time. It sweeps over me like tidal waves, and I can hear myself saying "I will never be away from you for that long again!" Here I am though, away from you... and missing you like a child misses their mother. It honestly hurts, like an ache I can't mute. I am sick to my stomach and I feel like the only remedy is to have you close to me - hear your voice, kiss your face. It's like I'm a lovesick teenager - and I wonder how long it's going to last(likely until I get off that plane and wrap my arms around you too tightly!)I want to enjoy this vacation as it's very likely the last one of it's kind (no way I am road tripping with three YOUNG children..) and for the most part I am enjoying - but I feel this hold on me, like it would be so much better if you were here to enjoy it with us. You should be, I know that.. but wishing won't get me what I want. I'll just have to wait it out, be patient - and reap the sweet rewards of having you next to me... in 11 sleeps. God, that feels awfully long.

nothing to say.

Pulled. two different directions, with two different outcomes. I hate not knowing the answer.. the outcome. This is why I can't relax - this is why I can't not seek control over things that have no controller. I am required to make decisions all day, every day - and this one is too hard. This is one that makes me want to throw up my hands in the air and scream... scream at the top of my lungs until my face is blue, and then surrender to the fall. I don't know which way to go, I don't know who to answer too - I'm at a loss. This time, with nothing to say...

haunting

I woke to blood everywhere, and as fear and panic set in - the waves came upon me and I could not breathe. I was captivated by the red covered sheets, red covered thighs and it all happened so fast and felt so real. I could smell the blood, I could feel it's sticky substance all over my tender body. I watched it flow, and cried {sobbed} for what felt like hours. I was then rushed, to walk to the hospital - and I can remember the feeling of absurdity to the process. Why are we going anywhere? Why am I going to expose this vulnerable state of my body to anyone else? and why am I walking? I kept asking questions, as we walked, as I was covered in blood - but no one answered them. It seemed to go on forever, and finally an ambulance came and strapped me in and the women told me to stop crying. "It happens, it isn't something to be upset over - you can always try again" she has said. Nobody had faces either, but I could hear them talking to me. Then, as quickly as it happened, I woke up from the horror and checked my bed and my sheets and in between my legs - and it was dry, and my belly was still full and everything was fine. Everything was fine.