heart in hand, feet on groun, facing forward - be yourself.

There isn't a night where I don't lay in bed at the end of the day thinking what I could have done differently, better, more productively. I let guilt slip into my comfort zone and eat me alive - telling me how I should have calmed myself down before punishing Emma, or I should have got up to do the extra project or craft or game with the girls... I should have been in a better mood, been more active in our day, watched my mouth closer than I had. I honestly used to think that I was alone with that feeling and that I must be a horrible mother. It took me a few years into the game before I realized that it is very hard for any mother to ever feel like they are good enough all the time. We are all wandering around doing everything we know how to raise our children to the best of our ability - wanting to do better, accomplish more. In the end I don't want my children to remember me cleaning the house or doing the dishes or hanging up laundry or cooking while they played - I want them to think back to childhood and remember all the fun things we did. I want them to remember me saying "yes, I'd love too" when prompted to play yet another round of candy land. I want them to envision me when they are adults as a mom who liked to help, to encourage, to inspire and to create. This is where the guilt takes center stage - because I don't always say "yes please!" and I'm not always quick to build a fort and play dress up. Sometimes, I get caught up in the usual day-to-day routines and encourage them to play on their own. Sometimes, I don't feel like being super mom and just want to stay in bed and watch movies all day. So I have to accept, that they might have some random memories of me being a bummer - of me "needing" to do laundry instead of participating in the marching band making it's way through our living room. All I can do is remind myself I am doing the best job I can - and that I must be doing something right... because I have managed to create two incredibly independent, strong-willed, creative, imaginative, smart and endearing daughters.