If dreams were lighting, thunder was desire

It takes a storm for the skies to clear, for a rainbow to come. Sometimes you have to put up with the rain and the clouds and the stuck-inside days just to get the sun again, to see the bright color's in the sky. Compromise and sacrifice are part of life, especially a life shared with various other people. It's also about understanding and compassion - and it is a complicated dance to balance it all, but when you have the right dancing partner it always just falls into place (even if you do step on each others toe's from to time!)I'm still learning, and despite everything I think I know - I really know nothing. I take in what I can, retain what's important - and do my best to keep up the pace. That's life though, time is always escaping - life is always happening. You have your whole life to do something, and that's not very long. Take each moment as it comes, regret nothing, and live in the now. You'll miss all the good stuff, if you keep worrying about yesterday and tomorrow. Nothing has taught this better to me than parenthood - go with it, cause your not getting out alive anyways.

let her cry

Crying: the newest hobby I have taken up. It can happen with no notice or warning, and seem abrupt and unnecessary. It can last for a moment or two - or for hours on end. Sometimes I can laugh it off, sometimes I need to just let it flow through me and really feel it. Sometimes I know why I'm doing it - sometimes I have no idea what the tears are for, but I'm going with it anyways. It's not something I'm particularly a fan of, but I just don't have much of a choice when hormones are pumping through my body at 10x the regular rate. To someone watching the obstruction of a Katie they once knew - these changes may seem absurd and irregular... to me, it's just my pregnant self (to which I have become very accustomed) taking over my mind, body and sanity. I do apologize in advance, for the pain you will endure due to the lack of control over my emotions. I fully acknowledge that, although I am hormonally imbalanced, I am still responsible for my actions - I just feel it fair to forewarn anyone who has to come in contact with me on one of my "off" days lol

I won't try and control fate.

I feel the need to express this - and I can't find anywhere to go with it other than here, in which my feelings and opinions on it won't be criticized and put up for debate. I can not and will not come to terms with infant mutilation, for the purpose of chance. We have done so many studies, so much research - and when it comes down to it, reality outweighs the possibility. I understand the fear of unknown, and I can respect that everyone has their own opinion on circumcision (and rightfully so, as this is a free country and I expect people to think for themselves.) But when we are no longer thinking for ourselves, but merely basing our decisions for our children on what could possibly happen in the future - I can't help but feel like something is completely ass backwards. To start with, it is a procedure done to an infant - who has just come from a cradle of dark warmth for the first 9 months of its existence... and the first thing we are going to do to him is strap him down to a board, freeze his body and cut him up? I feel like that is undoubtedly going to do some scary fucking shit to your head. I've heard the argument time and time again - "we don't remember infancy" but there's probably a reason for that! It's bloody traumatic... we probably sensor it out, or repress the memory. So why would I add to that trauma? There are countless debates as to why a male infant should be circumsized... none of which add up to the result of doing a major unnecessary medical procedure to my newborn child (in case anyone's forgotten - I'm a natural birthing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing kind of momma... who wont even take tylenol during pregnancy for fear of the damage to my unborn child) Here are a few:

#1) Cleanliness - male's are BORN with that skin for a reason. Just as we are born with eye lids, and ear lobes, and vulva's and butt cheeks and lips. Our bodies are designed (by science, or who ever you believe is designing us) to function. I can not convince myself that we have extra skin on us anywhere that would cause us to be unclean. And even in that case, it's not hard to teach a child to cleanse themselves - have you ever tried wiping a bloody vagina? It can and will be done.

#2) Religious purposes: well, you're all nuts. I can't understand religion period, let alone cutting my child's skin off because a man in the clouds screwed up and thinks you should correct his mistake? I'm actually completely ignorant towards this reasoning - I don't know what religions say you should, or why. I just know it sounds silly to me.

#3) AIDS/HIV prevention: This is the only one that you can almost find my sympathy for. Yes, it definitely did help a little when AIDS and HIV were rampant. It definitely did save a lot of lives... a LONG time ago. If there is one thing us as society are proud of, it is how far we have come scientifically and medically. We would not brand it as an unnecessary procedure just because they thought "oh hey, look - stat's are down, we're in the clear". It was proven that in this day and age, it has no links attached. And even then, this is basing a very serious decision on possibility - on chance. How can we pretend to have the power of fate in our hands? You can not prevent something like that happening - it is not possible. We can teach our children about safe sex, and discourage them from using drugs and inform them about the risks and dangers involved. But how for a second can we pretend like that is something we can prevent for our children?

After 5 short years of parenting, the one thing I have learned is that 95% of the time what happens is out of my control. I may not give up this control easily - but I am aware that despite my best and constant efforts - there is really not a lot I can do when it comes to what my children will face in life. So saying that I should mutilate my child's already perfect body for the sake of consequence just does not add up to me. I can not make myself believe that it is something right or just for me to do - that is a decision my child should make on their own.

That is my rant, and I hope you do not feel the need to be offended. This are merely my feelings on it, and I am only placing them here to vent out my frustration on the topic.

layers like an onion.

"I search your profile for a translation, I study the conversation like a map - cause' I know there is strength in the differences between us, and I know there is comfort where we overlap."

I am still learning to prepare myself for the dips and turns and ups and downs of the road I am on. Unfortunately, I am still not very good at preparation and I have a very weak stomach these days. I would like to know what's ahead of me, have some kind of overlay map to go by when I start on the journey every morning - but much to my dismay, this is a hot commodity... and I am yet to have any clue. However, I am still smiling - dirt on my face, cuts on my knees.. pushing onward. That's something you get good at when you have no balance (with all the falling) you learn to get up, dust off... keep going. I don't have time, or patience to stay angry - I let it surge through me, feel it to the fullest, process whatever it is and move on. The problem, or issue or whatever it is may be unsolved - but I do not need to continue to feel anger and hatred. Breathe in through your nose, let it seep through every pore - and out through my mouth. Alas, another hill is waiting - and surely, another few scrapes and tears.

intentionally bad at lieing

I often find myself wondering where my insecurity comes from. No matter how many times I trace my steps backwards, relive every moment and try and put the pieces together - I am still left feeling like there is no reason for it. I've got a great family, who loves an supports me no matter how many times I change my mind. I've got wonderful friends - who, despite my quarks and craziness, have my back regardless. I have two amazing daughters - who remind me on a daily basis how lucky I am to be alive, raising them, being their mother. I've also got an inspiring, loving and courageous partner - who can stand up to me, and stand behind me, and just stand me period. All these people, all the love and encouragement - and I am still left feeling like I'm not worth it. Most steps I take feel like I'm going in the wrong direction, most decisions feel like a mistake - why can't I have confidence in my strides and not constantly rethink my steps? I would like to drop my nervous laugh, and stop regretting the awkward things I say. Wear it all out, it's the only way I'm going to find some peace with it.

biggering and biggering until you burst

Tiptoeing as if to not disturb the rubble. I find myself laying in the heaps and mounds of garbage I have piled - I look peaceful. I wander around, inspecting every single corner of the mess and let it encase me. I find myself wondering how it all got there, how did so much accumulate within such a short period of time? Surely, I just cleaned it all up not too long ago? Now I'm standing here, watching myself laying, defeated and exhausted - and I am unable to talk myself into getting up. I just want me to get up and wander around with me ... help me explore, exploit, explain. I won't be able to do it without me - there are parts I don't understand - aspects of the rubble I can't possibly comprehend without me telling the story behind it. It would be so much simpler if we could just join forces and not have to face the separateness of who we each are. We are both entitled I suppose, to being separate - but it would make this so much simpler. I am reaching inside helplessly .. begging for a lending hand, at this point. I've given up dignity and self-respect just so I will get up, just to make me interested in the ongoing tasks at hand. It's almost like standing in a mirror - inspecting, picking apart ... but the reflection shifts when you do not, and then it's like looking through a window. What else can I do but lay down next to me, and wait for will power to resume within me - wait for me to get back up again and start cleaning this mess?

heart in hand, feet on groun, facing forward - be yourself.

There isn't a night where I don't lay in bed at the end of the day thinking what I could have done differently, better, more productively. I let guilt slip into my comfort zone and eat me alive - telling me how I should have calmed myself down before punishing Emma, or I should have got up to do the extra project or craft or game with the girls... I should have been in a better mood, been more active in our day, watched my mouth closer than I had. I honestly used to think that I was alone with that feeling and that I must be a horrible mother. It took me a few years into the game before I realized that it is very hard for any mother to ever feel like they are good enough all the time. We are all wandering around doing everything we know how to raise our children to the best of our ability - wanting to do better, accomplish more. In the end I don't want my children to remember me cleaning the house or doing the dishes or hanging up laundry or cooking while they played - I want them to think back to childhood and remember all the fun things we did. I want them to remember me saying "yes, I'd love too" when prompted to play yet another round of candy land. I want them to envision me when they are adults as a mom who liked to help, to encourage, to inspire and to create. This is where the guilt takes center stage - because I don't always say "yes please!" and I'm not always quick to build a fort and play dress up. Sometimes, I get caught up in the usual day-to-day routines and encourage them to play on their own. Sometimes, I don't feel like being super mom and just want to stay in bed and watch movies all day. So I have to accept, that they might have some random memories of me being a bummer - of me "needing" to do laundry instead of participating in the marching band making it's way through our living room. All I can do is remind myself I am doing the best job I can - and that I must be doing something right... because I have managed to create two incredibly independent, strong-willed, creative, imaginative, smart and endearing daughters.

not a pretty girl

"Everyone has a skeleton, and a closet to keep it in. Every song has a you, a you that the singer sings to - and your it this time"

I would learn to sing well, just to take up space in the world of noise. To get my point across, to say my peace - to scream at the top of my lungs with music. I would walk a hundred miles, without rest - just to find what I'm after. I just want to find whatever it is that I need to make peace, to get a resolution, to come to a happy medium. I will walk and walk and walk - run, jog, stumble. I will do what has to be done - always. I'd like to dance, to shake out the demon's and let out the pain - or the happiness and joy. I just want to make movement, whether it be verbally, emotionally, or physically. I would like to learn how to do almost anything, just to try it. There isn't much at this point that will stop me in my tracks - not much that will distress me to the point of needing to be rescued. I believe in my heart that we change every day - there is always change happening, we are always morphing into the people we are aiming to be. Sometimes we aren't aiming at all, and we end up getting so lost in all the changes - we don't even know who we are or how we changed so much. It take's a lot of searching sometimes, a lot of examining - some heavy-duty back-of-the-closet investigation to know who we are, and how we got here, and where we are going. I don't want to know where I'm going anymore, I want to live day-to-day and enjoy every moment as it comes. Maybe that's why I don't know how I got here.

you got a fast car, but is it fast enough so you can fly away?

I felt my heart crush for the pain you are suffering - felt the sting in my uterus for the emptiness you feel. I remember it so clearly, and the feeling of failure that followed me everywhere I went. I want to take it from you, capture your pain and your hurt and let you feel free again. I want to switch places, take on your suffering and have your womb be full like mine. I want to hug you for hours, and let you cry - breathe it out. I am so scared for you, so alone for you - and it doesn't help at all. You have to suffer, you have to carry the weight and feel what your feeling. It was supposed to happen this way, I feel that somewhere deep - it happened for a reason greater than I can explain to you in words. I know this will make you stronger, not knock you down or defeat you. I know that you will move on with grace, as you do with everything that comes your way. You are a force - an incredible women who has astounded me with strength and courage at every turn. I find a comfort in knowing that you will keep moving, and I hope you know that I am behind you every step of the way. It tears you away from who you are temporarily - but you will find your stride again soon. It left me feeling guilty - who am I to carry child, when someone who wants it so badly lost it's way? Not to say I don't want this, but I know how much you do - how much you yearn for that step in your life. I feel a sense of anger... why did it happen to you, and not to me? Why do I get to carry on and bask in all that it is - while you sit and bleed and cry? It doesn't seem fair, doesn't feel right. But who am I? I don't get to decide these kinds of things - it all happens for a reason. Bad things happen, to make room for the good things to come.

you can't choose a sister, your just lucky to have her

I woke up feeling hollow - like a piece of me had been left somewhere by mistake. It wasn't pleasant, and I felt the need to find the missing piece. I'm sure it's around here somewhere and I'm confident I will stumble across it eventually - it's just a question of when and where, I suppose. Emma is telling me she has found a constellation - it's in my room and her and Sophie and floating around in it. I'm not sure she really gets what a constellation is, but the idea of them floating around in one makes me smile big. Sophie has taken to the game of preparing and serving "food" to Emma and I. What imaginations these two humans have - such wonder in all that they do, such intensity. I can honestly sit here and just watch them - bask in all that they are and appreciate the time I have chosen to raise them. Now Emma is trying to convince Sophie into hiding under my thick and hot duvet and pretend it's bed time - I don't think Em understands how much Sophie dreads this point in the day. She's off to fetch Sophie's comforts (kitty and her blanket) for her though, so I suppose Sophie is obliging to Emma's demands. What an amazing thing a sister is - a life-long, built-in, forever-and-a-day best friend. Speaking of sisters - mine is on her way to give me a hand with Mondays demands. Again, what an amazing thing a sister is!

broked.

I have come to the end of a very huge chapter of my life. I have learned some amazing lessons, some hurtful ones, and some hard ones. I have never had such a hard time closing the doors of my past like I have this time, and it's been a long time coming - I know. We tried, or I tried - and every time it just came up short. I hate walking away without some sort of closure but I know that nothing more can come, this is the end. As for what's next? Something new, something real - people who love me the way I love. People who respect me, and can look past what they have been taught is right and wrong. I need better, deserve it in fact - and I'll get it. So many people have gone, left in the rubble of my past - and this time I just didn't want to let go. I didn't want to admit that it wasn't real, that I didn't have the same commitment back from them as I gave. People who are supposed to have my back, keep me safe - stand up for me... and I watch them fall, and turn away. It's all part of life, people come and go - I just wish there was a break between the heart break. Wish there was some calm between the storms. I know I'll be fine, I know I'm better off - that doesn't make it any easier though. I guess this is why they call it breaking.

well that sun just got brighter, I'm sure.

Good things always come to those who wait. I knew things would look up, turn themselves around and make life easier on us. We've come way to far to keep struggling - and I'm so thankful things can finally get a little simpler for us. So proud of you :) Thank you for taking care of us, and doing everything in your power to provide for your family. It feels amazing to loose that weight - and take a breath of fresh air. Here's to a happy beginning to our new adventure! Cheers

not backing down either.

There are certain words, certain phrases - that are associated with a horrible time in my life. Words which represent someone I was, someone I grew out of and buried and left behind happily. When those phrases and words are brought up as ammunition and are claimed to be expressions of feelings - I am left feeling like a person I no longer am. I have explained, time and time again what damage that does and how I react when I am forced to be spotlighted as someone I am not. I have done nothing since my past was buried to warrant those phrases and words to be thrown in my face like yesterdays trash. I do deserve better than that, and I will won't back down from my standpoint with that. The communication, the different tactics and the explanations are all bang on - and I would not ever dream of asking that to stop, there has been some incredible progress where that is concerned. It's the anger, and the names, and the words used - that leave this horrible taste in my mouth... that leave me feeling like there is no respect for me, who I've become, and the person I maintain to be. If that can't be understood, then I can't tell you where I stand. I just know in my heart, it's too much - and I'm not willing to compromise my feelings about it because you can't stop.