I wanna free fall out into nothin, gonna leave this world for awhile

There was this one night when I was only 13 or 14, I remember it pretty clearly still which is unusual for me. I woke up to rocks hitting my window at about 3:00 am, followed by "katie, WAKE UP!!! let's go!" I got up, peered out of my window and there was a group of my friends, back packs packed - eager faces beaming up at me. I grabbed my already packed bag, threw it down and followed suit. I had practiced the maneuvering of my body out my very small bedroom window many times previous to this night - so it was a fairly simple task. All giggles, we wandered "sneakily" over to Dease park where we laid out our blankets and our few random snacks we had "stolen" from our kitchens. We laid there, until sunrise talking at times, other times just laying in quiet. I can remember how infinite that night felt - like it was the best night of my life. It's amazing how quickly those "best" memories are replaced by bigger things and how moments in my past are made childish and irrelevant, I am always eager to move on from them. What I need to find peace with is that they will never not be a part of me. I am everything I am today because of all the things that I have gone through in my past. It's memories like that, that help define who I am.

what have I become, my sweetest friend?

I feel like I am tiptoeing around my own battle field sometimes. Doing back flips and acrobats to make sure not to set off any bombs embedded in the dirt. It take's a lot of practice to keep your anger under control when all you've known is letting it fly with fury. When I slip, it is a miserable affair and everything around me blows up in front of my eyes. Most of the time, I just stand in the middle - let the rage do it's work and watch helplessly. I am, with effort and time, getting better at keeping a cool head. It's amazing how much life will teach you with time, how much more you know now then you did last week, month, year... one big lesson. I live, and I learn from it. I love with my whole heart, and I laugh with my belly. You won't get out alive anyways, so why bother being miserable all the time? Smile, and appreciate the small things around you. Cry when you need to cry. Scream when you need to scream. There is no social norm anymore - we are slowly learning it's *just* life! Why live at all if your not REALLY living? Go out, do something new... or something old. Just do something! Turn off the computer screen, shut off the TV - avoid the magazines and the radio... turn off your media-centered mind, and breath in the air outside. Walk on the grass barefoot, and dive into the water naked. or, smell the roses :) happy Thursday people!

maybe I should put a bucket over my head and a marshmallow in each ear.

I blink, and a million moments flash by my eyes. I can replay moments, memories; all within a second of darkness. Sometimes we need to just close our eyes, muffle any noise, and fall into our heads. Wander around, check out some of the boxes - take account of what is there, what is gone, and what is waiting. Breathing is key.

youre loves the warmest place the sun ever shines

24 hours and we will be in our element - relaxing, and enjoying the time we have together. I can't wait! Yay for summer - yay for camping - yay for family time!

too deep now to ever swim against the current

There is a spot reserved inside of me, for moments that take my breath away. No matter how hard I try I cannot make those moments happen - there is no control over that grand of a spectrum. That's where my faith in humanity is restored - when moments that are infinite happen right before my eyes, and I am reminded I am but one human amongst billions of others. This is just one life, one person's reality. No one see's anything through my eyes - but the ones willing to try are the ones I will hold close to me. Those are the ones that with, moments will take my breath away. There is a uneasiness being aware I am but one person to everyone - and I find comfort in knowing that to one person, I mean the world. I wonder if I'll ever figure out that feeling - fully grasp how I can feel so much for just one person. I find myself just sitting there, watching the three of them in complete solitude and humbleness. I have never been more in love with anyone in my whole life like I am in love with you and those little girls. I always knew somewhere, that I would find whatever this is called - and I don't take for granted, what I've got. Thanks for taking my breath away.

real thing.

An impostor. I have taken over this body, this mind, this life - and have had my way with it. I have ripped people apart, walked away from remaining shambles of a life - I have loved so deep it hurt me, and embraced terrible people with the trust that there was good. I have cried so hard I couldn't breathe, and laughed so hard I cried. I have been broken, I have been rescued, I have been beaten down, and I have had many a helping hand lifting me back up. I have been close to death, and I have brought new life to the world - and after all of that; the heartbreak, the joy, the sorrow, the happiness, the destruction and the construction = I am sitting, wondering, asking "well who the hell was I?" I was some better justification than my own reassurance. I search for a light of some kind that will rein down on me, and confirm my suspicion that it wasn't just me after all. I grow, I ebb & I flow - and at the end of it, I'm just a body filled with a dozen different Katie's trying to break out and be the leader. I must sound crazy... it must be hard to read all of that, trying to comprehend the ramblings of this mind. I just want some consistency - I want something harsh to wake me up and put me back on my toes. Give me the real thing.

making insecurity into an art

I am having an identity crisis. Like, a typical 13-yr-old-I-don't-know-who-I-am-identity-crisis. It's actually almost shameful, and definitely a complete embarrassment. I am annoyed with the way my hair falls, I can't find one article of clothing that fits the right way, I can't look into the mirror and be satisfied. And it doesn't end there - I can't walk into my kitchen and not be angry. I hate that my wall paper is half ripped down - and I hate that my fridge is filthy and littered with pictures and magnets and art work (even that is something I feel the need to organize...) I feel the same way about my bedroom - I hate the yellow, I hate that nothing flows... I'm just all-over dissatisfied with everything material and my ego is deflated. It's funny - because having no control over it is what infuriates me, but it's exactly *why* I shouldn't be infuriated - I have NO control. So I should just let it go, and take a deep breath. Preacher by heart, but can't take any of my own advice. Another infuriating aspect of my life - I'm able to have answers for everyone else but myself. Put it on the back burner, and ignore myself. I can't even tell you what I want.. I'd just like to find some peace and quiet in my mind. Id love to blame it on hormones or PMS - but I don't even have the convenience of pointing a finger. It's all me, and only I can change it *sigh* why can't it just be simple? I like simple. Simple is good.


"Lately I've been glaring into mirrors, picking myself apart. You'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do, than making insecurity into a full-time job, making insecurity into an art." Present/Infant - Ani Difranco

ain't it sweet?

I like to be surprised. Contrary to what I might say at times - a little surprise here and there is definitely the way to my heart. I don't need much, nor do I need it frequently - just a little reminder that "hey, I was thinking about you" or whatever said thought process is. I was beyond spoiled this mothers day and regardless of my disdain towards the hallmark day aspect of it, I really had a great day. I got to sleep in, with breakfast in bed - and then Tim took the girls for over an hour, only to show up back at home with a beautiful bouquet of tulips and a brand new digital camera!! I really try to fight against the consumerism side of "holidays" like mothers day - but there is no way I could even pretend not to be ecstatic about this surprise! We had such a relaxed day, and then had a delicious meal at my dad's house made by my sister. To top it all off my sister, brother & lou came to babysit so Tim & I could go for a sauna. I'm still revelling in that wonderful day - it's amazing what a little R&R can do for the soul.

I'm worse than I seem

It's as if I peeled off a layer of skin - "shed" so to speak, and I feel like I'm me again. I'm unsure why I hold off on dealing with things that are holding me back for so much longer than I can even really bare. It's not fair either because everyone else suffers from it and I force myself into oblivion - for whatever reason I do it, whether it be to protect myself, or to protect everyone else. In reality it doesn't protect anyone - it just keeps everyone on edge, even me. I'm starting to wonder where it comes from - my insecurity and anxiety. Is there a spot that has just sat, turned sour like milk in the sun? Reveling in it's own rotten juices, keeping me so far from my roots because of the stench? It's time to pack up and leave I think - find a nice little raft, place my anxiety and insecurity aboard and set it off into the open of the oceans. Live. Laugh. Love - and all the while, remember it's never over until it's over. I'm working on it..

"I smoke and I drink, and every time I blink I have a tony dream. As bad as I am, I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse than I seem."

I love you forever, I love you for always - as long as Im living my baby you'll be

mother's day used to really bug my ass - I hated the idea that we needed a specified day to celebrate the women who made our lives possible. *One* day to show appreciation for the endless tasks, missions & sacrifices mother's make or take on for us. I felt like it was a rip off, and never felt like I could give enough on that specific day to "prove" to my mum what she means to me. My view on this special day has been obscured since Emma has been old enough to celebrate it with me (when she was an infant was when this day particularly pissed me off..) Today marked the complete turn around on me feelings for mother's day, when I read the "poem" Emma wrote for me. I was so very typically in tears and embracing this sweet little child who, contrary to popular belief, loves me just as unconditionally as I love her. One day isn't enough, but I appreciate those two little girls more than they will ever know.. so one day will do.

Here's the "poem" Emma wrote <3

My mom is the most wonderful mom in the world
Her name is Katie
She is 23 years old
She has blue eyes and dark hair
She weighs 40 pounds and is 1" tall
Her favorite food is apples
My mom likes to take care of me
I think my mom is funny when she laughs
If my mom could have one wish come true it would be to have a shooting star
I wouldn't trade my mom for my doll house
I love my mom because she plays with me

There is no better job on this earth, nor one more rewarding - than parenthood.

whats love got to do with it?

I am officially no longer a "single mum". Regardless of the fact that we have been co-parenting for months now, having one shared living space is definitely a change. We moved in the rest of his belongings Friday night, and as of Saturday morning - we are now one big happy family. Well, we're not that big really - nor are we always happy... but we are a family (and we are happy sometimes!) The bathroom was finally torn apart - and not a moment too soon... mold EVERYWHERE *ugh* but it is gone now - so we can breathe eas(ier). Alas, my body has decided to be completely dependent on the penicillin and Tylenol 3's I was taking and so I have been going through what I can only describe as *withdrawls*... SO not fun. I honestly do not hold it against junkies for not wanting to come down - it fucking HURTS, a lot. Emma is pukey but I'm not entirely sure why. She might just have a 24 hr bug, we will have to wait it out and see. Sophie's got a 'night time' cough - which is leaving her miserable because she isn't getting proper sleep. When does this end?? Ohhh right - when our immunities are built back up. Now that the mold is gone, hopefully it's a quick process. Movies over, bedtimes come - which means I can go lay down, and wrap myself in my wind dried sheets, and dream of simpler days.