i'm ; i'm ; and ; but ; i'm

i'm really angry at myself...

i'm still adjusting to the new roles we have acquired.

and it's hard to hard to hear criticism about my mothering.

but your right, and it's not fair.

i'm going to change.

pussy cat, pussy cat where have you been? I've been to England to visit the Queen.

It's funny, even after having two of my very own babies - letting a little cat take up residence in my world has caused me so much anxiousness. It feels honestly quite similar to the way it felt when Emma came into the world. I wanted to make sure everything was in the right place for her - that there were diapers piled beside the change table, the the receiving blankets were folded, ready and waiting. I had little sleepers washed and hung and a little bassinet beside my bed. In reality, the diapers got shit in and the receiving blankets got puked on. The sleepers got slept in, and discarded in the hamper and the bassinet never held little sleeping Emma. Because I'll be honest... nursing is SO much easier when your co-sleeping. *Anyways* my point being is Mugen moving in has created the same feelings in me - like I need to have things a certain way, to help him adjust to coming into this whole new world. Unfortunately, for the moment he does not give a SHIT what I have done, or what Tim has done - in his opinion, all we've "done" for him is kidnap him from his home and disrupt his little world. Ohhhh kitty - how much you are going to learn... when you come out of the basement, that is!

rubber ducky

The dog barking, sounded like somebody talking. The water running, sounded like a waterfall. The sound of my breathing, was like heavy equipment working. It was all distorted, and it became something different if I let my mind trail. So I let it, and it wandered - and I watched as something was completely warped into something else. It was terrific, and it confused me for a moment as to why I had never really let myself experience that before. Maybe as a child I had, I can't be sure - and I must have forgotten, if I had. Nevertheless it felt like a monumental discovery for me, and I was overcome by it. So I laid there for a little while, and I'm not exactly sure how long I actually laid there for but it felt like a long time. It was probably only a few minutes, in reality. I got up slowly, resisting my bodies movements at first. It took me awhile to admit to myself that I was getting sleepy and should get out of the bath tub. When I did, the sounds stayed the same temporarily - and my breathing still sounded like heavy equipment working. I let my mind rest there for a minute, adjusting to difference that came once my head was out of the water. My breathing began to sound like breathing again - and so I found my way to the towels, wrapped myself tightly and submerged my body into the cold of the house that quickly encompassed me. I think I'll start taking baths again.

caution: long and useless rant

I claim to say what's on my mind - and eventually, I do. It just doesn't seem to be as instantaneous as it used to be... I find I'm holding on to things, that needn't be held on to. It's very odd - because this feeling of relief, once Ive gotten something off my chest is euphoria... but even knowing how that feels I still find I carry unnecessary weight loads. I'm not sure what the root of that is, but when I figure it out I will let you know.

As for my physical well-being? it's been better. I am with another head cold, I think that will be the third so far in 2010 (and look at that, it's ONLY March 24th... love it.) WORST. IMMUNITY. SYSTEM. EVERRRRRRR. I'd just like to be healthy for a couple of weeks in a row - I know that's asking a lot... but that's the kind of girl I am, I guess.

Actually, speaking of asking for things - that's something I suck at. I HATE asking people, for anything. and if I must, I beat around the bush so long that they are offering before I even have to say the word. THATS the kind of girl i really am - completely useless when it comes to asking. I'm good at telling, just not good at asking. I hate favors, I hate owing... bleh. GIVING? giving I can do... it's my life, giving, providing, completing. It's what I live and breathe and know all about ... sooo giving = check. telling = check. asking = epic fail. *sigh* I will figure it out one day, maybe. I'm sure life will eventually force me to do it - I'm just sitting in the back seat waiting. I'll oblige, when it does eventually come to kick my ass - but for now, I will sit in the back seat and pick my nose and scratch my ass, and continue giving (boogers and swass, perhaps?) and wait until life FORCES me to ask.

It's really only 10:41pm right now - which saddens me to NO end. I feel like it's 2am, but my body.. does it want to go to sleep? negatory. Hence this completely useless post - Im hoping to exhaust myself by typing, and re-reading and fixing errors (hahaha... fixing errors... I dont fix NOTHIN... automatic spell-check does that FOR me!) See, I don't even have to ask - it just does. Laziest generation, ever. I swear, we are all sitting in said back seat... fingers up our arses, waiting.

"somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying - you'll find the bright places where boom bands are playing...." I would continue to quote Dr. Seuss, but I fear I'll loose your interest... for those of you still continuing to read this completely useless rant - Dr. Seuss is a genius though, for those of you who don't already know this. I highly recommend "Oh, the places you'll go!" and "The Lorax" - both, excellent books.

You know what I really hate? medicine labels that read "tastes better than ever!" Fuck you Nyquil - you still taste like SHIT. better than ever my ass - YUCK! It's like taking a shot of cherry flavored vodka... oh yes PLEASE.. this tastes GREAT, give me MORE. Its going to induce sleep shortly though, which is really my only goal at the moment... seeing as Im sick, and exhausted.. and sick.

I wish I could boycott everyone for a week - just not have to interact with any other humans, for an entire 7 days. I think I'd come out of it feeling fucking excellent. Like top notch, brand spanking new. It'll never happen, but I can dream. THIS is why people recommend against having babies at 17 years of age - for SANITY RESTORATION. or lack thereof. Okay, I'm done now.. and going to sleep. Good night, and good morning, and afternoon too.

I'll love you forever

Everything can go wrong, the clocks can stop, my life can feel like it's ending - and those two sets of baby blues will always catch my breath and remind me that it's going to figure itself out. I can be angry at the world, angry at them, angry at you... and all they have to do is catch me in a moment of innocent, and nothing else matters. Im always going to be their mother, always. No fight, no rule, no person can ever change that. It really is an incredible thing - having children, being a mother... they are my forever. What a beautiful, enchanting, exciting forever these two are! I know I'm lucky, I don't take the gift that is motherhood for granted (even if I'm at my wits end, and begging for an out) and I could never go on without them.

I'll love you for ever,
I'll love you for always,
As long as I'm living,
my babies you'll be.

just to throw it away

I can get so stuck in something that I didn't even have a part in, and let it consume me. I will follow a road that was not meant for me, and inspect every stone, every crack in the pavement, follow every curve and bend. I wonder if it does more destruction then the reinforcement I am actually searching for. Sometimes knowing is important though, after all - we all want the truth? So the search is not necessarily a bad thing, I am looking for truth... it's just the truth I go looking for sometimes isn't necessarily a commodity for me to have. I feel like Hariet the spy - I want to know everything. I'm so eager to learn, to understand, to be a part... I wonder if sometimes it blinds me from seeing what's already sitting in front of me waiting to be explored. I spend so much time and energy worrying and stressing and feeling anxious, that I think I forget what the point is. On the other hand I spend so much time doing things for other people, that I tend to forget about me and I end up feeling resentful. I just feel like I loose sight so easily, and its really starting to take a toll on me. I need to refocus and rejuvenate - get back to my roots and start looking in front of me, instead of behind me.

"when I look up, I miss all the good stuff...
and when I look down, I just trip over things"

23 years young.

I don't want to believe that today is really Friday, and that tomorrow I'll have to say goodbye again. There's nothing I hate more than saying goodbye. It's been such a warm, relaxed week - and I'm just not ready for it to end. Although it never feels like enough time, Ive really enjoyed having my dad here with us for 7 days. I just don't like when it comes to an end... Im a child in that sense hah! I had a really wonderful birthday - a day away with Tim, that even though spent doing nothing more than laying in bed, eating junk food and cruising ... it was more than I could ask for. Time away just the two of us, there is nothing like it. Then we awoke late in the morning, and sleepily wandered home to the girls who were anxiously awaiting our arrival to lavish me with bouquets of flowers, and home made cards. Family arrived shortly after - and the day was filled with people I love, great food, lots of booze, and topped off with a delicious indulgent 3 layer chocolate torte cake, and a beautiful bonfire. I couldn't have asked for much more - maybe a 7 day vacation somewhere tropical... but beggar's can't be choosers!

it smells like mud.

its unseasonably warm outside, in fact I am sitting on the deck in a T-shirt at the moment - and very content. Sophie is napping, Tim has gone home quickly to send off a resume, and Grandpa Tim is in town (yay!!) and he has taken Emma to the conservatory for an hour or so. It feels so nice, having some time to myself that can now be enjoyed outside with the sun on my back and the wind in my hair. The yard is green, and almost all of the snow is gone (only a bit left beside the shed which doesn't get any sun except for at dusk.) I can't remember a birthday I've ever had that was quite this warm. Our vacation has been canceled due to lack of vehicle, which has hindered both Tim & I's positive attitude towards my birthday. I am now on a mission to get a hotel room, so at the very least we can escape for a day. We were both so looking forward to the time-off that it really took a stab at us, when we realized we weren't going. Ahh, we will make the best of it though - as we always do. It's so hard not to be smiling with this warmth, I feel anything could happen and it would be alright because the sun is smiling at me. I stick true to my belief that I get seasonal depression, because already I feel lighter, more confident, happier. It's nothing that I can fix - I can only ride it and remind myself that the sun will come back, and everything will be made right. And it's come not a moment too soon.

look at that green, out through the screen - after a quick rain came

the air is crisp, it reminds me of our last morning in Airdrie - saying our farewell's to Lisa & Wes. It's funny how even just the smell of the ground, or the way the wind blows, or the look of the clouds can remind you of a different place and time. It's cool out - but still warm enough to barely need a coat. The girls are happy about this, as they are so very fed-up with snow suits and bulky boots. I am amazed at how quickly the morning turned around... it went from frustration, anger and exhaustion to motivation, happiness and energy in a matter of minutes. I'm ready to start cleaning this house, and start from scratch again. Ive started tossing things out, or putting them in boxes for the dreaded yard sale. It feels so refreshing - I can't believe some of the things I've held on to over the years. Nevertheless, they are their way to someplace else and I am happy to be rid of them. Spring is good for this, and I suppose that's why they call it "spring cleaning". The snow is almost all gone (and it's only March 12th!!!) and the birds are chirping, the grass is green and the air smells fresh. I didn't know it would happen so quickly, but I'm content that it has - it finally feels like this year can begin now :)

bare boned, and crazy.

Ive been refraining from writing too much about wedding planning here, for the sake of a "wow" factor maybe... or in reality it's probably because I hate verbalizing any of my plans, because it's always chucked back at me if I don't stick to it. I hate the expectations on my shoulders - the pressure to pick and choose and plan and secure. I don't understand why I'm being expected to do everything the "right way". When, ever in my life, have I done anything in the right order? or at the right time? All I know how to do is go with my own ebb and flow, sure of myself but nothing more. I don't rely on anyone else, because I've known so much disappointment and that is where the turbulence comes in. In order for this to work, I have to depend on a lot of other people - because I just don't have the time or the budget for a mass amount of error (which we all know would happen if left to my own devices). So here I am, ducking and swinging - protecting my head and hoping for the best while life swings a ball on a chain at me. I know, that I can rely on you - that I'm not *actually* alone in this. It's just so hard to swim against the current, and that's all we are going to be doing - fighting every damn odd. Mind over matter, right?

for a stranger, for a friend.

I don't know you, nor will we ever meet - but I know your story, and I am so encased in grieving for you that I felt the need to share it.. even if you never see this. I don't know how you feel, nor can I even begin to imagine the emptiness that is surely taking over you entirely... a feeling that I assume might never fully go away. I want so badly, to come and take the pain away from you - to help you grieve, and let you heal. It's such a curious feeling to have for a complete stranger - but nonetheless, it seems to be my only desire at this moment. I wish for you the power to heal your wounds, the strength to grow and find peace with your misfortune. I hope for you the ability to move from this, with an unbreakable bond - but with the courage to let new life come into your world once more. I don't know how it feels, to create something and have it be taken away before it is ever really yours - but all my sympathy, thoughts, and tears go to you at this time in your life. To my dearest friend - the support, courage, strength and love you provided to this stranger will never be forgotten. You will forever hold a bond with her, and even through tragedy, true kinship cannot be mistaken. I am humbly in awe of you, and admire your ability to stay strong for that young lady. I know these words probably hold no baring now, while the pain is at it's peak - but I hope that one day you can read this, and know the truth of my words. I love you.

it's probably a good thing I'm late.

being awkward is something that I think a lot of people want to avoid. It sounds messy, and complicated... and a lot of people have this appeal to having normalcy in their lives, and I don't think that being awkward feels normal to most. I know a lot of people who are probably offended by the idea that they themselves are awkward even, because it is so inconsistent. I guess I just don't understand that because being normal has never really appealed to me in any way. What is normal anyways? Is it a state of mine..? or a nice car with a good husband and a perfect child? Is it a perfect wedding day, or a degree in science? Is it wearing the right shirt, and the new shoes, and coming from a "good home"? I'm sure lots of people look at me and have plenty opinions about what I'm doing right and wrong, how I could do things differently and where I could make changes. I make it harder for the general pubic to feel comfortable because I'm so awkward - which I use to think was a bad thing. I've somehow found comfort in that attribute, because there is no other way to go about it. Fighting something that comes naturally to you, and that fits you like a glove, doesn't really have much logic to it does it? I know it's probably a hard thing to understand, my awkwardness - but like I said, it's a part of me and if you can't understand it you probably won't understand me. I have no desire, to be a set image of myself - I am happy being me, awkwardness and all.

stolen

i am absolutely, completely head over heels - smiling from the inside out - laughing so hard it hurts - and i love you more than I will ever know how to explain to you, or to any one else. forever and a day.

xoxo

she's trying to evolve.

"so I walk like I'm on a mission
cuz that's the way I groove
I got more and more to do
I got less and less to prove
it took me too long to realize
that I don't take good pictures
cuz I have the kind of beauty
that moves"

I know that I am my own worst enemy, my own harshest critic. I constantly fall short of my own expectations, and if I can't even meet them how is anyone else supposed too? Im working on keeping positive, even when everything feels like shit. Im working on keeping a neutral stand point on situations I have no control over. Im working on laughing even when I'm not happy - and not taking life too seriously, because after all 'none of us are getting out alive'. I just have to keep reminding myself, it's all perspective, and patience is a virtue. Stop. Breathe. Smell the roses. It's almost spring, I can smell it, feel it coursing through my veins. Mother nature is waking up, I'm eager to say hello.

this years love had better last :)

It hit me like a tonne of bricks, and immediately the tears started to well. I peered over to where he was sitting, and he had the hugest smile on his face. Instantly, I could see the change in both of them. "Look at me, Daddy!" she exclaimed, and both of us had to catch our breath. I expected it to take years before she really found comfort in that title. Not for lack of a bond or connection with him, just merely from the abandonment she must be feeling every time she thinks about Ian. It didn't stop there, either. The rest of the day - and continued on to today... 'daddy this and daddy that' and it never fails to produce that same smile on his face. She exclaimed to me this morning "We're so lucky to have a daddy who loves us so much!" - just short from tears, I replied "yes, we really are". And we are, really very lucky - all four of us, to have found each other. It all feels attainable and exciting when I realize that we are a family - a new, reinforced family! It's all so refreshing - and I couldn't be happier. ps. Kayeleigh & John got engaged!!! It's going to be a hectic 1.5 years, and I can't wait :) Love you both!!!