disappointed.

It came rushing through me like I was 7 years old again. The crack in her voice, the sadness in her eyes - and i remembered the times I asked, and didn't receive. Circumstance is not always on our side, but it doesn't change the broken heart of a child. Just another strike against the confidence she seeks so hard to find, struggles so much to carry - to young to understand why, to smart to let it weigh her down. but subconsciously it is already at work, and one day she will be me.. and hopefully she will pair herself with a man who won't ever give the excuses she fights so hard to understand. I can only want more for her, and teach her what she must do to achieve the goals she sets in place. I can only sit here, cradling her in my lap, telling her "maybe next time" and holding back the tears that come rushing through me like I was 7 years old again.

begin again

It's a pit in the bottom of my stomach, some sick need to hold on. Still feeling desperate, still wanting to "fix" it. There is no fixing, there is nothing. So i go through the motions of being alright - telling myself I'm doing okay. So why is it that the pain holds on like super glue? Why is it that in a moments time I feel it all over again, and the idea of this being "real" makes me sick to my stomach? I wonder how it is that it can be so similar, but happen to be worlds apart. I wonder how I'll ever get over this...

give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light

desperation. it's such an ugly thing, laced with so much shame. and I wear it always, no matter how hard I fight to stand tall. It's so easy to hide behind this wall of stubborn hard-headed anger. So much easier to just leave it on the curb with all the rest. No one is coming to pick it up, though - so I am reminded every time I come out from behind the wall... it's still sitting there, and it will never go. Not until I find a way to sort it out, and find peace with my misdirections. A lifetime of mistakes and regrets that have piled up - and no energy [desire] to make a dent. some days, I can see the way - and I start to follow through... but it never lasts, and I'm never found. I am always waiting, on something to come next - waiting and wishing, will get me nowhere. I fight hopelessly to make sense of the mess in my head, but not even my heart or my gut knows whats best anymore. what an awful mess i've become.

why me? why this now? why this way?

Its supposed to be therapeutic to write it out. So I type the words on the screen and find some comfort in the familiarity. I guess it is never going to be as easy as it seems. The waves.. the ever present waves. I wander out to the mid waist, and wait for the current to pull me under. I don't know if I would fight for breath... I don't know that I could. My wondering will be the end of me - my curiosity. My inability to start a new chapter.. always revisiting the last one in order to try and gain a clearer understanding of -what-went-wrong- I will never understand why you couldn't love me like I loved you. I will never know what happened to my sense. I will not find an answer to how I ever let the outcome of my sanity lay rest in your care. I will spend the rest of my life building back the castle you tore down. I won't ever know how that can be compared to the position of my cunt. Move on, let it rest, let it be - I tell myself. But then I look down at this beautiful life that encompasses my whole being and I see you. It's a constant reminder of what could have been. They tell me "he looks like him" and I say... he looks like himself. Because if you think I don't know, you're a fool. The biology of the lives I have single-handedly brought this far, always thrown at me like its a fault. Like somehow, it changes the purity of who they are. Like my demons speak for their destiny. It's a story as common as a penny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQyF-bazxQU

building from the ground up

One foot in front of the other, like a child learning the ways. I am starting all over, from the ground up. I lay awake and wonder, I close my eyes and do the same. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns... and all these ideas are not new. I have thought them all before. This feels different, this feels solid. I can do it, I am capable. It's not ideal, but when is it ever? Have I ever had a taste of ideal? Nothing but fabrications, nothing but galleys to lead me here. But here I stand, here I start again. Turns out, they were right - I am one in a million, and it will burn like fire till the days end that I am okay. I won't burn, like it was planned. I am standing... next I will walk, steps will come. So go ahead and doubt how far I'll get, go ahead and will me down. I will not stop. I may falter, in fact I likely will falter... but no one will ever stop me from getting up again. Better alone, with my trio at foot. We won't slow down.

patheticwhorecuntslutbitchuselessmoron

I wear no shame, despite the path you have so carefully paved for me. I wear no fear, despite my insecurities. It has taken so much time to be the person I wanted to be, and life has thrown in so many obstacles. What would it be without those barriers, though? I never would have gotten the determination i have to succeed if it was all handed to me, like you were. It's taken me a long time to understand that I don't need you... that I don't need a warm body. Or who needs enemies, when I have friends like you? I just tack it on to the long list of fuck-me-overs. And you won't ever see it like that... it will always be the pain done to you. It will always be the victim played.. and karma is a bitch. I won't ever regret a decision I've made, because it all leads me to the future - and I'd never go back, not for anything. Turn your head and deny the cards played - it does not phase me. I am forward bound, and I won't slow down. I am proud of who I am and how far I've come, and no words will change that.

I'm wiped and I'm wired, but I guess it's just as well

Silence. Is this what I was after? The days have gone by so fast and I wonder if I'll ever feel sober again. Every morning I open my eyes, my head throbs and my throat is sore - like a bad hangover. My body alone has shown me something is not right... my heart and head know, as well. I try to put it down in words, but it all comes out jumbled and confused. I could spend forever wishing and wanting and come up with empty hands. Nothing that worth it is ever easy. The constant buzzing in my head never simmers, and I am left to decipher between thoughts and distractions. I've never doubted you'd be better off without me, until you were without me. The worry is incessant, and I wonder why it holds me... when it never held you. This is the right thing to do.. but the right thing and the hardest thing are often the same. 'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail all the chance that i need is one-in-a-million and they can call me brilliant if i succeed gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound i'm just going to get my feet wet until i drown

okay

I wish I had more to say. My words fall short, my heart stays empty. I will never forgive - because this time, forgiving means forgetting. I won't let myself fall apart again, it's too little too late. I want more than anyone will ever be able to provide, and I won't settle. I'm doing okay - and okay is better than nothing.