rotten.

I don't know what to do with the anger I have reserved for you. I didn't know it was possible to hate with such passion, to wish death upon anyone. I see the look in her eyes - listen to her sorrow, and I want you dead. I can't even comprehend that kind of hatred - let alone dissect it. You are a horrible person, the lowest form of human kind - and one day it will catch up to you. One day, you will wake up - and these little girls ghosts will haunt you. You will rot, and you will deserve the misery that will follow you for the rest of your life. They are SO lucky to have Tim, a REAL father - a man who loves them unconditionally as his own. As much as I hate you for what you've done - I also want to thank you for giving them the opportunity to know what it is like to have a father who truly cares about them. I want to thank you for the heartache, for the terror, for the anger and the stress - without it, we would not be here today. We would not be the happy, complete and fulfilled family that we have transformed into. You have no idea what you've given up - and I thank you for doing so, we are better off now and we are happy.

pill popping - neglectful - bar hopping - booze hounding - sex crazed teen mom!

After 6 years of being a teen mom I am pretty weathered in the judgmental stereotyped opinions of me. I am used to the side way glances, the gasps when someone learns my age (because that is SUCH a testimonial to the kind of parent I am, obviously). What I cannot seem to get over is the difference between reactions I get when I'm with Emma alone, with both of the girls, and when I'm with just Sophie. When I'm with just Emma - most people don't notice, however I've had a few "Oh, this is your DAUGHTER!?". When I'm with both of the girls, I often get the typical looks, stares even - and the various comments about "how young I am". However what has me ticked is that when I'm with just Sophie - I get nothing! I didn't know I was old enough to have a 2 year old but not a 5 year old!? I wish someone would have told me this, so I could have followed protocol *gag*. I just want some fucking consistency. Actually what I want is for people to just bugger off and keep their oh-so-wise opinions to themselves. Its more insulting than anything - I like to think of myself as a pretty darn good momma, and for anyone to think they have a right to tell me my age has an part in that is infuriating. Screw humanity - everyone sucks. Except you, and well, maybe you too... hah

swollen mouth :(

My teeth hurt, as my wisdom teeth were pulled on Friday. I'm drowsy, and miserable because I CANNOT eat anything. Anyone who knows me, knows how important at least one solid meal a day is. My head is aching, so I am going to stop trying to make something worth reading happen here.

creative writers block. that's what we'll call it..

north, south, east and west.

I spend so much time waiting. I wait for people, I wait for thoughts, I wait for transport, water to boil, songs to play, things to happen, things to stop... I feel like I'm always waiting. It frustrates me because I *know* that only I can change it - I do not have the power to change others, but I have been granted with the power to control myself, my actions, my thoughts & my feelings. So what am I waiting for? A hand to hold? Someone to point me in the *right* direction? I don't know what I'm so scared of... maybe I'm scared of myself? scared of the paths I will choose, of making a mistake, an error in judgment (as I have so many times before). I always blame myself, always reign my frustration and anger on myself in the end. When did I become so timid? so insecure and fearful? I just want to get back back back to the place where I started - and begin again. Change my routines, because only I can direct myself. Take charge, march onward - smile, and prove them wrong. You can do it if you try...

on another note, a great family friend passed away at an old age this weekend - only 7 weeks after the death of his wife. Tragic, some would say. I think it's lovely - couldn't bother to go on with out her.. <3 that's true. In light of this, my Aunt sent this clip along the forum from a magazine she'd read. It seems to fit.


"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death! What's that? A bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play,you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating ... and you finish off as an orgasm!"

fuck you ow.

we have a system put in place, to help individuals who are in a financial crisis - to relieve them of the burden that society places on us to find enough money to survive. It's nearly impossible to find a decent place to live for an affordable price, and because of this we are left to live in the "slums" of this city. On top of that, it robs us of the benefits like being able to afford basic health care (including oral health!) Unless you have thousands of dollars to go to University and get a degree, you are rendered unable to find a job in this city that pays you enough to hold your own. To add to it, the programs we do have in place to relieve said stresses holds such power and domineering strength over you it leaves you unable to breathe. Regardless of that, the basic things we need in life (like dentistry, medications, visual health...) should be accessible to everyone - not just those who are able to attain insurance through their jobs. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm very bitter that I am stuck in the middle of it, unable to move or breath. Or eat, because my mouth is so bloody swollen it hurts to move.

if you turn your head long enough and let it happen naturally

I look at someone, and immediately start to make connections - think about things they may have thought at a certain point in time, or the way they may feel about something - or even how they feel about themselves. A women I used to know with very large teeth, always stuck out in my mind. I always figured when she conceived her children she would secretly wish "I hope they don't get my teeth!" - but who am I to assume that? She may love her large teeth, and think they are her best feature. I don't think I've realized before now that this is how I go about meeting new people - I automatically start to pick out things, play out scenarios, imagine what they'd be like one-on-one or in a very large uncomfortable group setting. I'm not sure why I focus on these sorts of things, but I'm almost sure it takes away any chance of purely getting to know someone. I assume, and I criticize, and I play out every possible scenario in my head before it even has a chance to happen. I was doomed from that start.

here mind, where'd you go?

I must be missing something, surely? Did I fall off the face of the earth only to find myself in place of a person I don't seem to know - surrounded by people I also don't seem to know much about...? I wonder if they know much about me, if even I can't seem to figure me out? I feel like I've been blasted with amnesia, or something of the sort - as I can not make sense of any of this. It's like I'm stuck in a dream - all disorientated and in a fog. I just want to wake up to find my mind back in it's proper place... I suppose that's asking a lot.

fuzzed.

i made it, and i am still breathing... which must mean I'm still alive. I feel blocked - my mind is a fuzz. I just wanted to confirm that yes, I am still live.. and I guess, alive. with any luck the fog will clear and I will be once again able to comprehend a clear thought to put on this screen...

until then, cheers.

I am slowly going crazy 1,2,3,4,5,6 SWITCH

*start rant*

The house is a mess. I have a party to throw tonight - and after spending 4 hours at the hospital last night, I feel completely wiped of any ounce of energy I might be able to count on. Emma was diagnosed with "mild pneumonia" so she is now on antibiotics, and it appears Sophie is in the same boat. That will mean *another* trip to the hospital, as she will also need xrays to confirm. I have to get groceries, and change for the yard sale tomorrow. I have to sort through all of the stuff and prep it for tomorrow morning - just another task Ive taken on that I don't have the juice for. Surely there couldn't be anything else that could go wrong? SURE, why not - let's throw some freshly fallen snow into the bloody mix, just for flavor! If I get through the next 42 hours alive, I am treating myself to some kind of reward. Tim & I are both as drained as we could possibly be... but we're still trucken'.

*end rant*

you!

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear tiiiiiiiiim

happppyyy biiiirthhhdaaaayy tooooo YOOOOOOU!

we love you so much babe! hope your day goes amazingly :)

xoxoxo

we are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again

I am amazed with what we as humans are able to adapt to. We learn to adjust, and find a way to fine-tune our minds and bodies to follow a new routine, a new lifestyle, a new world. I humbly admire your strength, your perseverance - your ability to go with your gut and fight for what you want. I am honored that we are what you fight for. It is a huge change for all of us - but we stand our ground and let our bodies sway with the wind... allowing life to direct us, but not control us.

Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks

we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke

I don't know who you were expecting
probably some bitch who does not budge
with eyes the size of snow
I may get pissed off sometimes
but you seem like the type to hold a grudge
and in the end, I just let go...

Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks

I'm not going to let go, we will always get through it together.

k squared.

It's taking me so much longer than I had ever anticipated to completely rid you from my life. There are still days, where I sit and wonder what your doing and where your mind goes. I often think about the route your taking, and the journeys you'll embark on. I always knew you'd do something great - I'm still sure you will. It makes me really sad some days, because I'd like to be able to call you and trust you and feel like you were still my best friend. The upheaval's of relationships that have taken place in my life in the last two years has definitely taken something important from me. I feel unable to really find roots anywhere with myself and I feel that it must be a side effect of the losses I have endured. I wonder if you read this? I wonder if you ever think about how I'm doing - how the girls are doing. Emma talks about you sometimes, and it's always hard to hear. Another persons absence I can't find words to explain to a little mind. I guess it's part of it - there will always be people who leave her little world. I just hate to see the pain in her eyes - it reflects from me, I know. I was told that there are very few kindred spirits out there, and that you'll be lucky to find any and hold on to them. I wish I could have found a way to hold on to you - that you could have found a way to knock down your walls for me. I wish you could have walked on, without holding my choices against me. I wish I could have accepted that this is who you are, and learned to appreciate it anyways. Wish in one hand, shit in the other - see which get's full first; though. If you do read this, and you do still wonder - I just want you to know that some day's I miss you. Even if you aren't sorry - I am. It takes two, and I played my role as well. I hope your smiling. for k.