You are my plate

Never did I expect to be so embraced, so loved, so cherished... and for why? When did I trade in my self worth? When did I find room to negotiate what I was deserving of? So it was only natural that you came in and loved me anyways. Despite my insecurities and wonderment of worth, I found room to let go of what was holding me back, and make space for you to come in and sit down. And we let it all out. And you said that maybe I didn't want it anyways, that maybe I should find someone/somewhere/something else. Who knew, that I was not the only one worrying. And we sat down with the demons and the fears and the worries - and we made space. For it was only natural that we were all going to have to meet eventually... it was long overdue. And we learned that we both had very full plates. Overflowing. But what I hadn't realized, until you said the words, was that - I am your plate. You have made the choice to clean off the ones who had come before, the people and places of your past lives, and make it for you and me - for our beautiful children and this beautiful life. What I had failed to understand at the time was that .. it's a choice. We choose to stay, to work, to support, to love, to cry, to uphold, and withdraw, to reach out and to stand back. These are all choices we make to be here, to balance it all out. You are my plate - and I am yours. Together, we've got it all.

all I can do is pray, that I'll make it back one day...

Today, I heard the news. My daughter has a sister. In a perfect world, this would be joyous occasion and we would be planning a trip to the hospital sometime in the next day or two so they could meet and bond in those very precious early days. The heartbreaking reality weighs on me, that they will never meet in their childhood. They will not know of each others existence, or share in special connection that only comes between sisters. When Sophie tells me she wishes I had another baby, so she could have a baby sister, my heart will ache and I will force a smile. I will tell her how loved she is, how her and her siblings are so much love already that we couldn't possibly fit another. I will hold back tears and hope that one day, she will forgive me. In a perfect world, she would never know abandonment or feel an empty space within her - and she would never have to wish. Today, I heard the news that my daughter has a sister - and my heart aches for that sweet little girl, who will never know just how loved she is from afar. She will never know there is a big sister here, wishing she could hold her close and kiss her nose. If we could only just for a moment step away from our pride, things could be different. I wish you all the best in your early baby days sweet Isla - you are loved, even without knowing it.

Resolutions

I'm not a writer. I am in a deep and passionate love affair with language, and thrive when I am able to articulate the way the wind moves and the sound of the tension in the air and the feeling that comes when your heart is racing and your palms are sweaty. I love having the ability to share it with unsuspecting bystanders and longstanding listeners. Some days my whole body aches with the desire to pour out my thoughts in some way that feels tangible, and often it takes the form of letters on some type of blank canvas, strung together in a sequence of words that formulate the internal working of my mind. I put careful consideration into almost every aspect of my life, but my thoughts flow freely and passionately. This next 12 month period promises to hold many big changes, and often I find myself avoiding the flow of those thoughts, for I so often fear shifts in my routine. Tomorrow sometimes scares me so much I hide underneath the sheets of today and hope whatever come doesn't eat me alive. But other times (most times) I am able to look it in the face and say "bring it" with authority and certainty. I questioned myself as to what could change this year, what goals could I set for myself to make this year "better". So flawed is this way of thinking, I realized, and instead decided that nothing needed resolving. No more can I do than live presently, be aware of the love and light that surrounds me. I am not a writer, but I can tell you that this year is bound to change that.