one thousand four hundred and sixtieth

It has been 1460 days and nights that I have walked through the door at 535 Hyde Park Ave. It has been approximately 730 since I came to terms with this space, and began making it home. So much trauma was brought here in the boxes and bags of things I had acquired over the years previous to relocating to this house. I spent the first night sobbing in bed, curled up to my 10month old nursing baby boy - questioning how exactly I was going to do this on my own. Coming here signified the beginning of something so big - a "fresh" start, as everyone worded it. All I felt was sorrow and fear. It took many more sleepless nights in this space to begin feeling safe here. It took many months of self love and soul searching to find my way, to take up space, to decorate and furnish - but still, as I walk the halls... I still feel worry, stress, pain. So much of this space signifies a person I no longer know, a person who was obedient and voiceless - a person who obliged to purchase a house out of her price range, in a neighborhood she felt unwelcome in. I am reminded of the negotiation, the pressure - do what he wants so that we can minimize the tension. As a result, I ended up here, in this space, with all of the memories and responsibility. From any other perspective, I'm sure it seemed like I got the "good end" of the deal - but I never wanted this house. In time, and after much internal negotiation, I began to make it a home for us. I painted the walls and hung up pictures, rearranged rooms and bought furniture. It has taken me 1460 days to come to peace with what this house had signified for so long - and have chosen to reframe how I will see it for the remainder of our time here. It has been a constant rollercoaster this last four years, and no doubt it will continue on - despite where we move to next. I am thankful for all of the growth that has happened here - and the change that took place as a result of our move to this house 4 long years ago.