It was only four years ago, but some days it feels like some part of me is still there in that misery. I had stood inside a body that I no longer recognized, while some impersonator had taken over my sense and my will. And I had let go of my fight, I had suffocated my want to change and move forward, and accepted my supposed fate of misery. Heartbreakingly, I really did believe things would change, that somehow within the construct of anger and jealousy, I would evoke the kind, loving person I had first found. The lesson I learned from that time, four years ago, was that my spirit couldn't be killed. I would find it again, and learn that it could never be truly suffocated. I was done. and I am still very much done, and will remain that way - because in the end of the horror show, I chose happiness. From within me, not from some illusion of what I imagined could be created from destruction. I have grown so much, and allowed myself the room to fall apart and come back together again. I have granted myself the ability to let go, and have forgiven myself for allowing my fire to be (temporarily) put out. I use this time to reflect, to acknowledge the pain and suffering I surrendered myself too - and to accept that the choices I have made only contribute to the woman I am still growing into. I'm granting myself the space now to remember a horrible time in my life, and using it as the groundwork for the beautiful life I am building today.
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