seasons change

creeping up on me, the words slip effortlessly from my fingertips and Im startled by the lapse in time that has taken place since I last felt it tugging at me. The urge came as I walked past the leaves turning color, and the wind began to smell like autumn. I didn't think it'd ever come, and it all came too soon - at the same time. It's been awhile since I took ownership, and it's long overdue. The nervousness has passed, and this new found comfort in the path I am on is refreshing. Worrier by trade, it has been a large process to minimize the daily trauma that surfaces through anxiety. Though, like the wind and the rain and the sun and the moon, I shift and with it, those feelings shift too. It only takes a moment for everything your holding on to, to come undone. And what beauty can be found in the breakdown, if only you let yourself re-imagine what can come from it. I have carved out a small space for myself within this big wide world, and I am going to give myself the credit that is due for what I have accomplished thus far. So much can be lost when you are giving your most precious energy to the overbearingly heavy worries.Who, I wonder, has the strength to do that forever? perhaps that's the point... nobody can. It either kills you, or you change it before it takes you under. I won't go down that easy - I wouldn't care to miss the changing of the seasons, or the smell of autumn in the wind...

waited for me to fuck up to find yourself some proof

It was only four years ago, but some days it feels like some part of me is still there in that misery. I had stood inside a body that I no longer recognized, while some impersonator had taken over my sense and my will. And I had let go of my fight, I had suffocated my want to change and move forward, and accepted my supposed fate of misery. Heartbreakingly, I really did believe things would change, that somehow within the construct of anger and jealousy, I would evoke the kind, loving person I had first found. The lesson I learned from that time, four years ago, was that my spirit couldn't be killed. I would find it again, and learn that it could never be truly suffocated. I was done. and I am still very much done, and will remain that way - because in the end of the horror show, I chose happiness. From within me, not from some illusion of what I imagined could be created from destruction. I have grown so much, and allowed myself the room to fall apart and come back together again. I have granted myself the ability to let go, and have forgiven myself for allowing my fire to be (temporarily) put out. I use this time to reflect, to acknowledge the pain and suffering I surrendered myself too - and to accept that the choices I have made only contribute to the woman I am still growing into. I'm granting myself the space now to remember a horrible time in my life, and using it as the groundwork for the beautiful life I am building today.