love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you - it will set you free

There was a time that I believed with everything inside me that I would spend forever paying for my mistakes. That somehow I was to blame for every unfortunate circumstance life had dealt me. That part of my life, that longing and blame/guilt ridden time, was a monumental period of self-discovery. Living fully submerged in that mind set let me get to my lowest, allowed me to feel it all and grieve the ones come and gone. It will forever be a process of forgiveness... of reminding myself that although I went the "wrong way" time and time again, it holds no force over what direction I go next. I know in my heart that the past is better left in the past, no matter how sometimes it creeps up on me and derives that longing for what was. I will never deny myself the missing, the desire to make things "right" ... but we know that right will never be enough. So I continue to look forward, to move on to the next circumstance, and live presently in what I have today. Don't be fooled into thinking that I forgot - I am not so easily able to shed those memories. I will carry it with me, and reserve it a safe place within to stay. I hope that life is smiling on you, and allowing you to live and laugh and love openly. I hope with honesty and sincerity that the path taken did to disrupt that path meant for you. If for nothing more then my own sake, I will write the words down and whether they find you or not... know - I miss you, I'm sorry, it was never enough and I will forever be thankful for the part you playing in my life. Take care of yourself.

I have no reason to reason with you

When the universe is determined to keep you down, sometimes you just have to lay low and wait it out. It's no easy task, waiting. But I have learned over time that if you respect the process, your efforts will be rewarded. It may not take the form you are anticipating, but if you can look past your expectations to where the reward is you will find a new meaning. Above all I have tarted to accept that no matter how long I stand her pounding on this wall, it is not going to transform into a door. It's time to put my fists down, and let my actions do the talking. I have no want or desire to confront that war zone anymore, and I am content knowing that despite the hurdles I am doing the best with what I have available to me (meanwhile working to getting those things that are not so readily available). I will not fight and kick and scream, I have earned the right not too. It won't be handed, but if you work for it, I will hand deliver it.

luck

It doesn't take luck. Love doesn't just happen by chance, life doesn't just fall into place, and it surely isn't a matter of just occupying space. It takes work. Hard work. It takes communication and trust, honesty and commitment. I haven't made it very far because I haven't ever had the means. I spent so many years relying on luck, on chance... and it got me nowhere, fast. It took those moments of pure hatred and anger to realize that those sorts of emotions breed from a deep seeded contempt, and it has nothing to do with me. I forgive myself, and I forgive you. I refuse to carry anger for an act in which I can no longer hold a memory to. I have let go, and have flown away from the hate and the destruction of that pain. I have moved from the time where I was sure that as life had it, luck just wasn't on my side. It took falling (too many times) to understand the release that comes from accepting that luck is an illusion. That there is no wishing upon a star (11:11) and that life will always change, it is the only constant. How you flow with those changes, how you adapt to your surroundings, how you treat those within your space - those are what will define your disposition. I don't believe in luck, I don't believe in hate. I trust that what happens will lead me to the next happening, and that all I can do is make the best choices I can with what is available to me. It doesn't take luck to maintain a position in someones heart, it takes all the attributes of a good soul to carry that honor. I do not wish to be so naive as to look for some kind of illusion, I will hold on to what I can sink my teeth into. I will hold faith in the theory that good things happen to those people who are truly deserving and that it happens in ways we cannot predict. There is light, you just first must let go of the hate.

surely I'm still learning...

with every passing day, it get's a little easier. building new memories to replace the pain, and heal the wounds that despite my grandest efforts, are still present. forming new memories, a new love and passion for life, and working on getting back to who I am. I am finally starting to remember what it is not only to love, but to be loved. 

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