the distance

There was a time that I didn't believe I could live without you, and in that time I believed only you would sustain me. Two long years gone from that mind raping, and I know that the people I needed were there all along. The people who I pushed away and hid from, because of some greater power unknown to me. A weakness in me I had never seen, an inability to maintain my wants and desires due to the wants and desires of another. Still, all this time later, I am evaluating. It was described to me as "crazy love" ... there was no resistance, no caution - and definitely no paying attention to the many warning signs. I didn't want to see the negative, didn't want to know if things would go wrong. I set my eyes on the prize, and pushed through the rest. And no one sympathized when I crashed. What they did do, was help me back up... helped me pick up the pieces, mend the broken bones and nurse the wounds. They stood by me and rebuilt my heart, rebuilt my trust and security - what they did was invaluable. Here I stand before you, ready and open to start loving myself for the person I have become. I am only here because of them, and for that I am forever indebted. I made room for those who loved without fault, supported me through my absolute worst, forgave me for walking away, and cherished me for finding my way back. I am ready now to believe that it won't always end in hurt, and it won't even necessarily always have to end.... I am ready to let light back in, and believe that I don't have to be punished anymore for my mistakes. It means I have finally made it, and I've never felt more free.

It's a skill I hoped I'd abandon, when I got on the open road

Don't you see? The door was shut, with tears and sorrow. It was locked with pain and anger. It was sealed with hurt and frustration. It was abandoned out of necessity. I was locked into being someone I didn't even know - and I have finally let myself take off the shackles and accept something better. A happiness I forgot about, maybe one I have never even known. I don't want to look back in anger, I don't want to hold a grudge, I don't want a fight. I just wanted to let go. I want to accept the scars that have taken up permanent residence within me, and carry on. What more can I do? Ive made my bed, and I've slept for so long on the cement slab - it's time to get up. It's time to just accept that there is more to life than this... it's time. Be careful, be cautious, but know that I can't stay in this room, accepting punishment any longer. I've met with the demons, they are letting me go now. So I'm going. One foot in front of the other.

Catchup

"say what you feel"

Within the routines of everyday life, lies opportunity to change. I watch these three humans with such intensity that I am sometimes missing the point. Such sensitivity can create a frustration in me that I didn't know possible, didn't know I was capable of - but I am learning. Always on the move, pacing towards the next something... and I woke up today and decided to honor the idea of living in the moment. It's so easy to say, so much harder to do - but I know it can only help us grow as a unit. Take the moment as it comes, and make the best of it. Take time, think critically and react less. If you let them guide you, the world is magical. It has been so long since I felt like I was capable of making these changes in our life. I can get so caught up in the mess of my shattered heart, that I forget their hearts have been shattered too - and in the end, what they count on is me. This three incredible humans look to me for the stability they can't find elsewhere. They look to me for an understanding of what is right and wrong, they look to me for the comfort and security that allows them to be themselves. Their reaction to situations I have created or put stress on is not to be punished, it is to be respected. "Feelings are something that just happen each day, and whatever we're feeling inside is okay!"

Only know you've been high when you're feelin low..

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
We could go on this way forever, I'm sure of it. That just won't do, and I can't keep up pace anyhow. I could say I'm sorry, but what use is that anymore? Smoke and mirrors... and I'm not very good at lying anyways. Let her go.

This time I'm comin' down