loveless

sometimes I'm so sure what I say is clear.. and again I'm not heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IhI87arSAE

the fortress

I pick up a pen, and the words flow like tears welled up deep inside. Hidden are the thoughts and promises broken, hidden is the truth amongst the ink on the page. I first came here in hopes to face my own darkest places, a public attempt at picking it all apart. Now, I know I won't do it here. I am guarded and fearful - the truth is not easy to face. I have, for good reason, built up a fortress surrounding my heart - and no matter how noble the attempt, you will not penetrate this place. For better or worse.. I will hold strong, and forgive the fallen soldiers. It can't be easy - wanting something unattainable for no personal wrong doing. I have my reasons, I have my demons, and I have these walls. The loneliness will hold me tightly, and I will pay till the end for my stubbornness. "Let yourself be happy" ... the price is to high, and I'm out of coins. This is what I've earned, this is what I've resorted too. You don't have to tell me, because I already know - I already live it, every day. Let it lie.

some days no words that come from me seem to make any sense, and I am helpless in explaining what I need to project. so I search endlessly for something to hold on to, relate to... something to make sense of this mess I keep finding myself surrounded by... time will guide me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpnItCSwje8

it's between the lines

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjB2hbMYIXo

I'm ambitious, when giving up

I let the water cover my skin, grasp me tightly and hold me. My mind turns off and I float off to somewhere quiet and untouched. I wonder about all the things I am holding on to, all the people who have come and gone. No one ever claimed innocence, certainly not I. Premeditated motions, avoidable. I wonder if that make's it hurt more.... I run the water hot, and it scalds my skin. I have to step out to catch my breath, let my heart slow down to normal pace. Nothing soothes like the steam and heat, nothing calms my mind as effortlessly. The movements that follow are slow, and I am pleased with the comfort I find in the emptiness. I won't let it hold me, but I will never let it go. Find a little spot for it somewhere deep, and let it rest there for as long as it takes to find my way back to the start. Forgiveness never comes easy.