Shit, or get off the pot.

A never ending cycle of going back to times before now, and finding no answers. What I'm trying to find isn't clear, but what I do find is always the same. The same disappointments, the same heart aches, the same questions that will go unanswered. Finding myself in the same vulnerable position, wishing I had more willpower than this. If I could go back and change it all, I might... just for some new scenery... a change in pace. The demon's are sticking around, and I look forward to having the mental capacity to start tackling them one on one. I'm in no rush to watch my life pass me by, so I will take it one day at a time... and be grateful for what I've got now... work with what I have available to me. Good things come to those who wait.

Carpe Diem

No one signs up for this.

I open my eyes, smile at the sight of a fully-energized, ready-for-the-next-adventure-toddler. I give a squeeze, stretch my legs.. and within moments I am being questioned. It never fails, if I wake up smiling this boy is going to break my heart. Asking to see someone he never sees, and my answers are never good enough. But why? he asks... how come? tomorrow? and tomorrow is always an illusive promise... "yah buddy, maybe tomorrow". How long until that won't be good enough? How long until he stops asking... the girls stopped asking a few months ago, the expectation is lost. I spent so much time feeling guilty, like somehow I should prevent it from happening... somehow I should do better at making these relationships happen. It's taken me to long to realize that I am not God, and I do not micro-manage others ability to relate to their children. I let it go, and leave it in the hands of those responsible. I smile, and distract the interest to something more tangible... a puzzle, a favorite book, some more snuggles before we start the day. I didn't sign up to do this alone, but I'd rather do it alone than pretend anyone was as devoted to these three kids as I am, having that expectation constantly fall short of reality.

I didn't sign up for this, but I'm not going to let that stop me from working with what I've got.

wash away

when it rains, it pours. I always find such calmness when the water pours from the sky, washing away yesterday. mistakes are part of the game of life, and all we can do is learn and grow from them. I remember nights just like this, when life was something completely different. the curse of loving and letting go, is never being able to forget.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFbjE7NFmUI

changing the locks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip27VUOUqbc

lone

Today : I've set a direction. It is a direction in which no one would choose willingly - no one really ever should have to. That is besides the point, as I've not the access to another one. This is the only way I can go - because every other brings me back to a state of dependence. I've never been happy, depending on anyone. I am on a path to find myself, to smile for real, and laugh hard and without hesitation. I am willing to navigate my way through the mess, to get to that place. I am alone in this, because you must be alone to find yourself. Otherwise, you will keep finding versions of yourself molded by those surrounding you.

Tomorrow : I will cry, and hate this decision. I will resent everyone and thing around me - and wish I had some help, and some clarity.

The day after that : I will pick myself back up, dust off, and keep going.

I am not stopping. I am not giving in. I deserve to be happy, I have earned that much. Misery loves company, and I am happier being alone.

ugly

curled up tightly in a ball, after a quick glimpse in the mirror. this must be explained, but for me and not for you. I look sad, I look tired, I look worn - but most of all, it makes me feel like an ugly person. Physically, this has no weight. Mentally? I don't like me on the inside. I critically analyze my movement's, actions and reactions - and it pulls me under. Under the sheets of my unmade bed that, part time, acts as my solitary confinement.  I am holding strong to the notion that today is an off day. Anxiety is a crippling and exhausting demon to live with - and though I have more on days than off, the off still break my knees from the pressure placed on my shoulders. The little voices saying "you should be doing x,y,z" or "what if a,b,c happens because you didn't do x,y,z right now?" or worse off... "you didn't do x,y,z good enough, you fail". So this ball is my way of holding it all in before it spills out on the floor. I pat myself on the back, for another day of social awkwardness and discomfort. For getting out of bed, and sending the girls off to school and holding Liam extra tight before I dropped him off at Christine's. I remind myself that the dishes will wait, and that I won't fail university because I am choosing not to pour over that reading immediately, and if I can't do everything perfectly today ... there is always tomorrow. Long enough to stretch out, cry a little, and write this down. To get it off my mind, to put it somewhere that I can visually collect these thoughts and say... sometimes it isn't so okay... some days will hurt more than others. and some days, I feel like an ugly person.

this time of year

Eyes closed shut, lips pursed tightly together, breath held in like the most valuable thing on earth. I am swept back to bad decisions, nights cold and lonely - surrounded by people I used to know. This time of year, despite the weather or temperature, always drags me back. A rebirth of all the decisions I've made, like watching old video clips of a time so long ago. I wander through the memories, giving them each my acknowledgment. Walking down the long, dusty corridor to where the demon's wait. They've been expecting me. It won't be long now, till the warmth of the sun and the smell of the air has me closing the doors and opening up the windows. Reminding myself I knew better, and got here somehow, and some day's will just be harder. Summer is on it's way, willing to ease my broken mind some... and carry me back home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZI5xUDElgk

logic vs. emotion

It's only a matter of time before the world ends, and we start back up from nothing. Sometimes you need that sort of redo. I look to the part of me that makes it all happen, when my emotions are overriding and letting all the hard work slip away. You've come to far for this, Katie. Don't let go now, don't give in. When you've been dealt everything that doesn't work, that won't satisfy your needs - you create new expectations, new guide lines. For the love of all that is good and just, I will not let go again. There is more to this than what meet's the eye, there is more to what is written on the page. Starting from nothing, got nothing to lose.